Sports/Rec - Page 3

Commuter waterslide to link downtown, Enterprise South

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Commuter waterslide (Images modified under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Sources: flic.kr/p/5ME1cW and flic.kr/p/pbCHiv)
Commuter waterslide (Images modified under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Sources: flic.kr/p/5ME1cW and flic.kr/p/pbCHiv)
Chattanooga city officials announced at a press conference this afternoon that the city would pursue plans to create a giant commuter waterslide, connecting downtown and the Enterprise South industrial park.

“Once again, Chattanooga is leading the way,” said Chattanooga Transportation Director Martha Hearrin. “It’s a safe, economical and green method of transportation that just makes sense, in this day and age.”

“Downtown residents can get to and from work without using a car, and what’s more fun than a waterslide?” said Hearrin.

Hearrin mentioned that the inspiration for the idea of a commuter waterslide came after hearing about the “Slide the City” event scheduled for July 25, which will convert over 1,000 feet of Chattanooga’s downtown streets into a giant waterslide.

“Screw light rail,” said Hearrin. “Buses and cars can go bite a dick. Waterslides are where it’s at.”

“Escape from Dalton Experience” coming soon

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Escape from Dalton Experience
Escape from Dalton Experience

Following the success of the new Escape Experience Chattanooga attraction, where a group of two to six people is challenged to find clues and solve puzzles in order to escape a room within 60 minutes, it has been announced that an “Escape from Dalton Experience” will come soon to Chattanooga.

The census bureau recently ranked Dalton, Georgia, as the least educated city in the South and the second least educated city in the entire nation.

“This is like no other ‘Escape Experience’ in the world,” said Escape from Dalton Experience spokesperson Tessie Wyliecorn. “Here’s the scenario: you and your team members are teenagers in Dalton and have to figure out how to get a quality education and land an out-of-town job so you can get the hell out, before you are doomed to work in a carpet factory and live in a trailer park in a loveless marriage with your meth-addicted spouse, in a town where everything closes at 5 PM so there’s nothing to do but drink and shoot holes in highway signs.”

“Some can’t even manage to get that soul-crushing carpet factory job, because of the lack of jobs,” said Wyliecorn.

It was reported that Dalton’s unemployment rate fell recently, but unfortunately it was because the workforce shrank rather than jobs being created.

“We’ve come up with some terrifying escape scenarios before, like being trapped in a flooded prison with homicidal maniacs during a zombie apocalypse, or having to escape Guantanamo Bay which has been taken over by blood-thirsty aliens, or fleeing an excruciating sing-along screening of Frozen surrounded by two hundred sugar-crazed little girls while dressed as Elsa,” said Wyliecorn. “But none is as terrifying as our new ‘Escape from Dalton Experience.'”

TN Amendment 1.5 could prevent men from removing bowling balls from rectum for 9-month period

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Bowling ball (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/7zBSmp)
Bowling ball (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/7zBSmp)

This election cycle, Tennessee voters will vote on Amendment 1.5 to the state Constitution, which could prevent men from removing bowling balls that have been lodged in their rectums for a 9-month period.

The proposed amendment would read:

“Nothing in this Constitution secures or protects a right for a man to remove a bowling ball from his rectum before a 9-month period has elapsed or requires the funding of such removal. The people retain the right through their elected state representatives and state senators to enact, amend, or repeal statutes regarding bowling-ball-from-rectum removal, including, but not limited to, circumstances resulting from voluntary or involuntary activities, such as severe bouncy bowling mishaps or fraternity hazing rituals.”

Public opinion has varied wildly on Amendment 1.5, sparking fiery debates and significant campaigning on both sides of the issue.

“If a man didn’t want a bowling ball in his rectum, well, he should have kept his legs shut,” said Chattanooga resident Eulas Kampfield. “I’m voting ‘Yes’ on Amendment 1.5.”

“No matter how careful you are when you’re bowling, statistically, some men are going to end up with bowling balls up their rectums,” said resident Jonas Clyftul. “And, you can’t expect bowling abstinence programs to work. It’s just human nature to want to bowl.”

“I am 18 years old and just starting college,” said UTC student Devon Tillsenn. “I am just not ready to have a bowling ball in my rectum for nine months. Maybe some day, but not now. I don’t think the government should have their hands in my rectum.”

Other constituents were confused about Amendment 1.5 and its implications.

“Amendment 1.5? I don’t know. Does this have to do with that woman who was trying to raise $800 to pay for a roadside bomb to be put in her uterus?” said resident Pat Cullems.

Man Xpo about sports, trucks and perpetuating patriarchal hegemony

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"Macho Man" Randy Savage (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/6To3sn)
“Macho Man” Randy Savage (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/6To3sn)

Man Xpo, called “Chattanooga’s first manly man event,” will celebrate sports, hunting, trucks, cigars, beer and the perpetuation of the patriarchal hegemony today at Finley Stadium and the First Tennessee Pavilion.

“James Brown sang, ‘It’s a Man’s Man’s Man’s World,’ and no truer words have been sung,” said Man Xpo spokesperson Kent Broadchest. “Every day is a man’s day, 365 days a year, so to shine an extra-bright spotlight on men at the Man Xpo is just rubbing it in, regarding male dominance worldwide.”

“Hey women, get a Y chromosome!” said Broadchest.

All male attendees at the phallocratic extravaganza will receive a Man Xpo 2014 “man-sack” filled with goodies, including a sample of cigar-smoke-infused elk-jerky-flavored whiskey and a Mary Daly swimsuit poster.

This inaugural Man Xpo event will feature guest speakers and seminars, covering topics such as “How to name your beard,” “15 new beer pong strategies,” “Duct tape and WD-40: from the garage to the bedroom” and “Manscaping with a survival knife.”

There will also be a panel discussion on the issue of gender wage disparity in the porn industry.

“This is a hot-button issue, pun intended, in the adult film world right now,” said male pornstar advocate Nobby Cox. “A female star could receive one thousand dollars or more for a 30-minute shoot, while her male counterpart will typically get $20 and a coupon for a free sandwich.”

All nine Chattanooga soccer fans gather to watch World Cup

Soccer (Used under the CC-BY-SA-3.0 license. Source: tinyurl.com/pksshq2)
Soccer (Used under the CC-BY-SA-3.0 license. Source: tinyurl.com/pksshq2)

Last evening at the local Irish pub Shane MacGowan’s Teeth, all nine soccer fans in Chattanooga gathered to watch the U.S.A. team defeat Ghana in a 2-to-1 victory at the 2014 World Cup in Brazil.

“We did it! We did it!” said resident Corbin Wegner, a longtime fan of the sport, in which the competitors don’t use their hands, which is just the most darling thing.

U.S.A. team member Clint Dempsey, a name only familiar to a few dozen people across the nation, scored a stunning goal, just 29 seconds into the precious little game.

“Ja wohl!” said Volkswagen employee Stefan Beckmann, one of the three German fans in attendance, who adorably call the game “Fußball,” which just makes you want to pat them on the head and touch the tips of their noses.

“We eventually want to have the number of Chattanooga soccer fans in the double-digits,” said local Ashley Shugart, an aficionado of the delightful sport. “Where’s Brandi Chastain when you need her?”

Little Debbie adds competitive eating to Ironman Chattanooga

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Ironman competition (Modified under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/fw6sWK)
Ironman competition (Modified under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/fw6sWK)

After officially becoming the title sponsor of the inaugural Chattanooga Ironman competition, snack food company Little Debbie and its parent company McKee Foods announced that it would add a competitive eating section to the race.

“The Ironman triathlon is an institution in the world of athletics,” said Little Debbie spokesperson Samantha Dettus. “And competitive eating is one of the fastest growing sports in the United States, so this new incarnation of the Ironman event is the next step in the inevitable evolution of athletic competitions.”

For the newly enhanced Chattanooga Ironman, competitors will first swim 2.4 miles, bicycle 112 miles, eat two dozen Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pies and finally run the length of a marathon, which is 26.2 miles.

This type of race is not unprecedented, with such races as the “Krispy Kreme Challenge” held every year in Raleigh, N.C., where competitors run four kilometers to a Krispy Kreme doughnut shop, eat one dozen glazed doughnuts and run an additional four kilometers to the finish line.

The Little Debbie Ironman Chattanooga will differ from traditional competitive eating events by not disqualifying competitors who experience a “reversal of fortune” – a spontaneous regurgitation of ingested food – and garbage receptacles will be placed along the marathon path in preparation for such occurrences.

Slated to compete at the 2014 Little Debbie Ironman Chattanooga are 2012 Ironman World Championship winner Pete Jacobs from Australia, women’s Ironman Championship course record holder Mirinda Carfrae and that skinny Japanese competitive eater Takeru Kobayashi.

“We Buy Golf Clubs” ad to be featured during Super Bowl

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Mike's Golf Shop ad
Mike’s Golf Shop ad

The world-famous advertisement for Mike’s Golf Shop in Chattanooga, featuring proprietor Mike Mixson’s clear declaration of “We buy golf clubs,” is slated to be featured during this Sunday’s Super Bowl broadcast.

The ad rose to prominence last autumn, when it was featured on CBS Sports, Forbes, MSN, AdWeek and many other media outlets, and it was praised for its economy of words and persistent, memorable message.

While the original advertisement was 41 seconds long, Mixson filmed a new, extended version of the ad for the Super Bowl broadcast, clocking in at 60 seconds and allowing Mixson to say “We buy golf clubs” an additional seven times.

The rate for commercial advertising during this year’s Super Bowl is approximately $4 million for a 30-second ad.

Mixson’s ad is considered to be a front-runner for Clio and Cannes Lions awards, which recognize excellence in the advertising field, and one advertising industry analyst is quoted as saying, “I haven’t seen an ad so vibrant and alive since those ‘Head On – apply directly to the forehead’ ads.”

Film critics have also applauded Mixson’s hand-held, minimalist cinematography for its artistic qualities and naturalistic film-making style, clearly influenced by the French New Wave and Dogme 95 manifesto.

Marion County to install traffic cams to track aggressive bicyclists

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Bicycle camera (Modified, used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/2X7nYi)
Bicycle camera (Modified, used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/2X7nYi)

Residents of Marion County were rocked by the news that two teens in a truck were terrorized by what could only be described as a deranged bicyclist who wielded a camera-phone and touched the truck’s bumper with his hand, and inspired by the Lookout Mountain community, which recently raised money to install license-plate-reading cameras to combat burglaries, Marion County is planning on installing cameras in order to specifically track aggressive bicyclists.

“Those poor kids,” said Marion County resident Reba Sillvagh. “They were just out for a leisurely Saturday drive on Raccoon Mountain, pleasantly cozying up to bicyclists really close on the road and warmly greeting them by revving the engine and tooting air horns, and then this one bicyclist just goes nuts and starts calling the cops and taking pictures of them.”

“They must have been so afraid,” said Sillvagh. “So afraid, that they went home, picked up some more friends, got in another vehicle, found the bicyclist and then pepper-sprayed him.”

“These traffic cameras are state-of-the-art, able to zero in on renegade bicyclists – and only bicyclists – with pinpoint accuracy,” said Marion County Police Chief Derek Druckerson.

“We’ll be able to track their every move and see every detail on them,” said Druckerson. “These high-resolution cameras can even pick up that disturbing pelvic bulge visible through their cycling skinsuit.”

Trampoline lane proposed for downtown streets

Broad Street with trampoline lanes (Used under the CC-BY-SA-3.0 license. Source: streetmix.net)
Broad Street with trampoline lanes (Used under the CC-BY-SA-3.0 license. Source: streetmix.net)

Trampoline enthusiasts in Chattanooga are eagerly anticipating the opening of three trampoline parks planned in the next several months – Jump Park Chattanooga, Superfly Trampoline Park and Jump Park Ooltewah – but now they have another reason to jump for joy, with a proposal to add a “trampoline lane” to downtown streets.

City Transportation Director Dana Wakemouth said that Chattanooga would be the first city in the American South to have municipal trampoline lanes, if it is awarded a $20 million state grant this summer.

“Trampoline lanes are a revolutionary new idea, and Chattanooga is happy to lead the way,” said Wakemouth. “The lanes are made from a network of durable metal springs covered by a space-age spongy rubber material that was used by NASA on its Mars landing rover.”

“Jumping is faster and healthier than walking, and having separate lanes would make sure that jumpers don’t collide with pedestrians, bicyclists or motor vehicles,” said Wakemouth. “Also, at intersections, jumpers don’t need to wait for the stoplight to change color, since they can simply just jump over the entire road, if they are good enough.”

Broad Street with trampoline lanes (Used under the CC-BY-SA-3.0 license. Source: streetmix.net)
Broad Street with trampoline lanes (Used under the CC-BY-SA-3.0 license. Source: streetmix.net)

 

Marion County football coach tattoos rival’s logo on forehead to inspire his team

Marion County High School assistant football coach Michael Schmitt
Marion County High School assistant football coach Michael Schmitt

Earlier this week, Marion County High School assistant football coach Michael Schmitt was arrested and charged with vandalizing his own school by surreptitiously spray painting the logo of rival South Pittsburg High School and derogatory names in an attempt to rally and energize his own team before a game between the two schools two weeks ago.

Although that scheme didn’t work – the South Pittsburgh High team defeated the Marion County High team, 35 to 17 – Schmitt has gone even further, defacing himself by tattooing the logo and pirate mascot of South Pittsburg High School to his forehead, apparently trying to inspire his team.

Schmitt, who has stated previously that his favorite film is Fast Times at Ridgemont High, has more plans involving offbeat techniques, including personally defiling the Marion County High mascot, the Warrior.