Sports/Rec - Page 5

2013 Monster Truck Jam Event to be Held at Tivoli Theater.

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In an effort to recoup some of the losses attributed to the city owned venue, event coordinators have announced this years annual Chattanooga Monster Truck Jam will be held at the Historic Tivoli Theater.

The Monster Truck Jam, which is normally held at UTC’s McKenzie Arena, is one of Chattanooga’s top grossing events of the year. Officials hope the venue change will bring the profitability back to the ailing Tivoli Theater after a reported near million dollar loss in 2012.

“I plan on getting front row seats to this bad boy,” exclaimed Chattanooga Monster truck enthusiast Roy Cooper, after hearing the news of the venue change.” It’s about time they got something worthwhile to see in that fancy shithole.”

The event, which will be held on a TBD Sunday, will bring the awe-inspiring spectacle of Monster trucks, such as Bigfoot, Grave Digger, and Mother Puncher, to the near 100-year-old theater, normally reserved for classical music concerts and the Chattanooga Boys Choir singing Christmas Tree.

“We plan on most of the exciting action to be held on the Tivoli’s 19 by 17 foot stage, but we can’t promise that some trucks will not spill into the first few rows,” said Monster Jam spokesmen Ray Phillips. “We’re ironing out the details with the insurance company at this time.”

tivolimonster

“We hope that many more events like this will be relocated to the Tivoli,” said Tivoli spokeswoman Cheryl Chester. “We would love to accommodate Ringling Brothers Circus, Pro Wrestling, or the Harlem Globetrotters to our beautiful theater.”

Sandy the Flower Man wins USA Cycling Championship

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Sandy the Flower Man (Source: http://tinyurl.com/sandyflowerman)
Sandy the Flower Man (Source: http://tinyurl.com/sandyflowerman)

In a stunning victory, defeating dozens of seasoned, professional cyclists, local celebrity Sandy the Flower Man won the USA Cycling Professional Time Trial Championship, held for the first time in Chattanooga over the weekend after starting in Philadelphia in 1985 and being held for the last seven years in Greenville, S.C.

Sandy the Flower Man, whose real name is Oterius Bell, unintentionally won the championship race because he was strongly compelled to travel to the downtown area immediately, but he was told by race officials that the roads were blocked off because of the event and that the only way he could make his way downtown unimpeded was to officially enter the competition.

“I just had this feeling that, right at that time, there were two young lovers somewhere downtown who needed to be brought together, and my giving the young lady a daffodil was going to be the catalyst for this budding romance,” said Sandy the Flower Man, after winning the race. “I had to do everything within my ability to make this happen.”

Sandy the Flower Man is a Chattanooga mainstay, often seen riding his bicycle and wearing his trademark black cowboy hat and sleeveless vest during the evening and late-night hours around downtown establishments, handing out flowers with a gentle, welcoming smile.

The U.S. Marine Corps veteran works as a handyman during the daytime hours and is a cancer survivor, leading some spectators to make comparisons to cancer survivor and cyclist Lance Armstrong, if Armstrong gave away flowers and didn’t illegally use performance enhancing drugs and didn’t disappoint millions of people.

After Sandy the Flower Man fiercely pedaled his way past the finish line, he was presented with a medal and a bouquet of flowers, to which he replied, “Oh my!” expressing both surprise and delight.

Sandy immediately threw down his bicycle and began to dismantle the flower bouquet, handing out the blossoms to couples as he made his way through the cheering crowd on his determined matchmaking quest.

Sandy the Flower Man
Sandy the Flower Man

 

Chattanooga Police considers adopting UFC rules

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UFC logo (source: http://tinyurl.com/ufclogo)
UFC logo (source: http://tinyurl.com/ufclogo)

At a press conference yesterday afternoon, Chattanooga Police Chief Wilfred Leistershire announced that the department is strongly considering adopting rules of the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, as guidelines for officers when apprehending criminals.

The police has endured criticism over the last few years with accusations of police brutality, with one prominent case involving suspect Adam Tatum, who suffered multiple fractures to both of his legs at the hands of Officers Sean Emmer and Adam Cooley, both of whom were fired after the incident.

“Being a police officer is incredibly challenging and both physically and mentally demanding, and in the heat of a struggle with a criminal, it can be easy to get lost in the moment, focusing on making sure that the criminal offers no threat to any officers or people around him,” said Leistershire. “Whether it’s slamming a suspect’s skull into the pavement five times or fifty times, it’s hard to draw the line at what is and isn’t acceptable.”

“UFC rules for mixed martial arts fighting matches are well-defined, and most of our officers are already familiar with them,” explained Leistershire. “In fact, we recruited many of our officers at UFC competitions.”

“Among the rules: no biting, no eye-gouging, no cock-punching, no hair-pulling and no oil-canning,” said Leistershire. “That last one, if you aren’t familiar with wrestling, means putting your thumb where the sun don’t shine.”

The proposal has not yet been approved, but Leistershire explained that if it passes, then officers will be issued loose-fitting shorts as their uniforms and will be encouraged to adopt intimidating names, such as Officer Kenneth “Thunderpants” Jinnem or Officer Stacy “Nutcracker Unsweet” Doyleen.

Upcoming Lake Winnepesaukah water park to feature adults-only island, The Wet Spot

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Lake Winnepesaukah (Used under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic License. Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/milst1/5935526489/)
Lake Winnepesaukah
(Used under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic License. Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/milst1/5935526489/)

At a news conference, Lake Winnepesaukah Amusement Park in Rossville, GA announced a new expansion project, which will build upon the planned water park called “SoakYa” scheduled to be open for the Summer 2013 season.

While SoakYa, which derives its name from the last two syllables of “Winnepesaukah,” is intended to be an all-ages, family-oriented water park, the addition will only be open to persons aged 18 and older and will be located on an island on the outskirts of SoakYa.

The island, to be called The Wet Spot, will be clothing-optional and feature adult-oriented rides and entertainment for adults only.

Lake Winnepesaukah spokesperson Donny Kreymer said, “Amsterdam doesn’t have a thing on us!  The Wet Spot will feature bars, swinger clubs and erotic food stands.  Adults of all ages will be sure to get a thrill on rides such as Willie the One-Eyed Wonder Worm, Over Bukkake Falls in a Barrel and Sybian: The Ride. Prepare to get soaked!”

“There are watersports, and then, there are watersports, if you know what I mean,” said Kreymer with a wink.  “Urine therapy is not only fun, it’s good for you, too.  Reportedly, Gandhi would slash into his own mouth every morning.  Remember: you can’t say ‘Winnepesaukah’ without saying ‘pee soak ya.'”

Kreymer continued, “If you want a break from all the anonymous, consequence-free hookups and genital-busting rides, you can enjoy an erotic cake at Punani Annie’s – be sure to ask for some Annie Sprinkles on that cupcake!  Or, sample some fine north Georgia wines in our wine tasting room, ‘Spit or Swallow.'”

“At The Wet Spot, you’ll feel like a kid in a candy store.  And by ‘kid’ I mean ‘consenting adult,’ and by ‘candy store’ I mean ‘fuck wonderland,'” said Kreymer.

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