Riverbend Festival ’16 – Prohibited and Allowed Items

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Riverbend (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/4UqSDB)
Riverbend (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/4UqSDB)

Planning on enjoying the sweet, sweet sounds of Riverbend ’16 on the Chattanooga riverfront this year?

If so, please take note of the festival policies, including the following lists of prohibited and allowed items.

 

PROHIBITED ITEMS:
* Backpacks
* Pets
* Skateboards
* Bicycles
* Laser pointers
* Coolers
* Camcorders
* Audio equipment
* Outside food
* Outside beverages
* Refillable containers
* Water gun filled with vodka
* Water gun filled with warm beer
* Water gun filled with pickle juice
* Water gun filled with water

ALLOWED ITEMS:
* Handguns (with carry permit)
* Blankets and lawn chairs

ENJOY THE FESTIVAL!

Riverbend makes deal to present 2016 Bonnaroo lineup 25 years from now

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Bonnaroo (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/bWXzV4)
Bonnaroo (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/bWXzV4)

Organizers of the annual 9-day Chattanooga music festival Riverbend have signed a historic deal to present every act performing at the Bonnaroo festival this weekend at a future Riverbend Festival, 25 years from now.

“We just saved ourselves a ton of effort,” said head Riverbend organizer Ginger Dewarr. “We can’t afford those fancy-pants Bonnaroo headliners today, but since we locked in this deal, we’re paying pennies on the dollar to have them play Riverbend in 2041.”

“It’s kind of like buying day-old bread for half-price,” said Dewarr.

The Bonnaroo Music and Arts Festival in Manchester, Tenn. begins today and features many established artists such as Pearl Jam, Jason Isbell and LCD Soundsystem alongside hot, newer acts like Haim, CHVRCHES and Tame Impala.

Riverbend begins this weekend with headliners who packed arenas decades ago, including Heart, REO Speedwagon, 38 Special and Blood, Sweat & Tears.

“Eddie Vedder of Pearl Jam is 51 years old now, and he’s headlining Bonnaroo,” said Dewarr. “How thrilling and more meaningful will it be to hear him sing, ‘Oh I’m still alive’ when he’s 76 years old, at Riverbend?”

Service entrance of local Mexican restaurant named top new make-out spot

After a poll given to local participants with shit-filled underpants, a local Mexican restaurant’s service entrance was named the area’s best new make-out spot. 

The restaurant’s service entrance beat out past favorite make-out spots, including a climate-controlled storage facility in Cleveland. 

Since Chattanooga was named “Best Town Ever” this past year, experts believe the new make-out spot will be a must visit for tourists, including the TBI. 

“Whenever I take a lady there, the smell of discarded Mexican food really gets us in the mood,” said one local romancer about the new make-out spot.” I always hope I can get her to go all the way, or as I call it, install a bike lane.” 

Riverbend organizers wake from 19-year cryogenic hibernation, book hottest bands from 1996

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Stone Temple Pilots (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/9phUDn)
Stone Temple Pilots (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/9phUDn)
At a press conference yesterday afternoon, organizers of the annual Riverbend summer music festival announced the final lineup for this year’s event, after being cryogenically frozen for nearly two decades.

“We listened to all of you who said to us, ‘Show me the money!'” said Riverbend organizer Joselyn Boykinns. “We are confident you will think this year’s lineup is all that and a bag of chips.”

The 2015 Riverbend Festival, which is scheduled for June 5-13, will feature many acts that were popular in the early-to-mid ’90s, including Stone Temple Pilots, Melissa Etheridge, Chubb Rock, Doug E. Fresh and Slick Rick.

“We tried our best to get Spin Doctors and Hootie & The Blowfish, but it didn’t work out,” said Boykinns, who has recently emerged from a 19-year state of cryopreservation.

“Whatever,” said Boykinns, while forming the letter “W” with her thumbs and index fingers. “If you don’t like the lineup, well, you can just talk to the hand, ’cause the face ain’t listening!”

Faith and Family Night headliner TobyMac revealed to be CeeLo Green in disguise.

Riverbend’s Faith and Family night headliner TobyMac was discovered this afternoon to be none other than singer CeeLo Green in disguise. Mr. Green was banned by festival organizers last year after a profanity-laden performance that upset many Riverbend attendees.

ceelotoby“We noticed something was amiss when Mr Mac arrived a bit heavier and not dressed like an 18 year old mallrat with a soul patch,” explained Faith and Family night organizer Thomas Sanderson.

“I like faith, family, and saying the P word a bunch,” said Green.

Sanderson announced plans to go ahead and let Green perform as TobyMac.

Experts believe Mr Green will tailor some of his songs for the event. “Satan, Fuck You”, among others will be played for the thousands in attendance for Faith and Family night this evening.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Basil Marceaux makes surprise appearance at Riverbend’s Silent Disco

To much surprise for many in attendance at tonight’s Silent Disco during Riverbend, former Tennessee Republican gubernatorial nominee and entrepreneur Basil Marceaux added DJ to his ever growing repertoire.

djbasilMarceaux explained to Riverbend officials he hopes his beats will “make the people of the silent disco feel freer than they did yesterday.”

“It’s… it’s time to drop the Bass..il. DJBasilMarceauxdotcom”, exclaimed Marceaux, while pressing the play button on his laptop computer.

Riverbend to suck 15% less this year, say organizers

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Riverbend Festival (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/4UqNjT)
Riverbend Festival (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/4UqNjT)

Friends of the Festival, the presenters of the annual Riverbend Music Festival, have announced that they guarantee that this year’s festival, which runs from June 6 until June 14, will suck at least 15% less than in previous years.

“We have been paying attention to your comments, angry and confused phone calls and emails, and satire, and we have worked extra hard this year so that Riverbend sucks less than before,” said Ginger Dewarr, head festival organizer. “Instead of ’80s one-hit wonders, we have made sure that our ’80s acts have no fewer than two hits.”

One of the festival’s victories was securing a set by Widespread Panic, a band of huge stature in the jam-band genre which has a clause in its contracts that says it cannot play festivals that completely suck.

Mayor Berke upset that Obama stopped “Liking” his Facebook posts

Mayor Andy Berke
Mayor Andy Berke

Eight weeks after President Obama’s trip to Chattanooga to visit the Amazon fulfillment center, Mayor Andy Berke expressed disappointment that Obama has apparently stopped “Liking” his posts on the Facebook social network.

“I don’t understand it,” said Berke, getting choked up while attempting to remain composed. “I thought we really hit it off, during that presidential limo ride together from the airport to the Amazon facility.”

“We had a great conversation. We talked about how crazy and awesome that new Kanye West album is,” said Berke. “Then we chatted about the new season of Arrested Development, and he told me about a bunch of obscure jokes and references on the show that I didn’t get upon first viewing.”

“It blew my mind,” said Berke.

Berke said that soon after the visit, he sent a “Friend” request to Obama on Facebook, which was accepted within minutes.

“For those first few weeks, Barack liked almost everything I posted to Facebook,” said Berke. “Selfies, Grumpy Cat pics, that weird video where they removed all the music from that Miley Cyrus video.”

Berke noticed that Obama gradually began to “Like” fewer and fewer posts, until there was practically no online interaction on Facebook, to his dismay.

“Yesterday I posted a clip from The Big Lebowski that I know Barack loves,” said Berke. “Nothing. I even tagged him in the post.”

“I was thinking that we should try to get Amazon to open up another facility here in Chattanooga, so that Barack can come visit again,” said Berke, with hope.

BREAKING: TFP’s Johnson fired for changing approved headline of “Suck My fu*king d*ck Obama” to “Take your jobs plan and shove it.”

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Times Free Press reporter Drew Johnson was reportedly fired today after changing the approved headline on his critical review of President Obama’s recent trip to Chattanooga. The original title of “Suck my Fucking Dick Obama,” was approved by Free Press editors, but changed to “Take your jobs plan and shove it, Mr President: Your policies have harmed Chattanooga enough,” before publication.

The original article included a picture of President Obama from Tuesday’s Amazon visit with a sizable penis drawn into his mouth, but was subsequently removed before being posted to the Times Free Press website. “We have zero tolerance for reporters going against our approval,” said one TFP editor, “especially when dicks and dick drawings are involved.”

 

Obama Storms Offices of TFP, Issues Executive Swirly on Social Media Director

During his tour of Chattanooga this afternoon, President Obama and his motorcade stopped by the offices of the Times Free Press in response to the recent hate-baiting questions asked on the publication’s Facebook page.

obama-swirlyThe President, who had been following the posts since last Thursday, considered almost not coming to Chattanooga after seeing terrible comments local citizens made about him.

“He (Obama) busted in and yelled ‘Which one of you fine folks heads the social networking department?'” explained TFP employee Harvey Scarf. “Then some guys in black suits grabbed the person, carried him to the hallway bathroom, and proceeded to shove his head in the toilet while Mr. Obama stepped on the handle to flush.”

“That’s how you administer an executive swirly,” shouted Obama, as he knocked over a printing press and exited the building.

 

photo by cb staff/Rex Hardass