Specials – Page 4 – Chattanooga Bystander

Obama Storms Offices of TFP, Issues Executive Swirly on Social Media Director

Published on July 30, 2013

During his tour of Chattanooga this afternoon, President Obama and his motorcade stopped by the offices of the Times Free Press in response to the recent hate-baiting questions asked on the publication’s Facebook page.

The President, who had been following the posts since last Thursday, considered almost not coming to Chattanooga after seeing terrible comments local citizens made about him.

“He (Obama) busted in and yelled ‘Which one of you fine folks heads the social networking department?'” explained TFP employee Harvey Scarf. “Then some guys in black suits grabbed the person, carried him to the hallway bathroom, and proceeded to shove his head in the toilet while Mr. Obama stepped on the handle to flush.”

“That’s how you administer an executive swirly,” shouted Obama, as he knocked over a printing press and exited the building.

photo by cb staff/Rex Hardass

Obama halts anti-obesity “Let’s Move!” campaign after visit to Bea’s

Published on July 30, 2013

Food/Drink/Obamanooga '13

“Let’s Move!” logo

During a long lunch at the beloved Chattanooga southern home-cooking buffet restaurant Bea’s, President Barack Obama announced that he was going to ask the First Lady Michelle Obama to end her “Let’s Move!” campaign, which she started in 2010 to fight obesity and promote healthy eating.

Bea’s Restaurant on Dodds Avenue, a local favorite since 1950 and dining destination popular with truckers, offers an unusual type of buffet by serving customers family-style at circular tables each with a lazy Susan, onto which the servers continuously place fresh bowls of food for as long as the customers are willing to eat.

“The beauty of this idea,” said Obama with a mouthful of potato salad, “is that when you think you’ve had so much that you can’t even stand up to get more food, the servers just bring the food right to you. You don’t have to move an inch.”

“That’s American ingenuity for you,” said Obama, whose lips were covered with barbeque sauce. “‘More mac and cheese,’ I said!”

Regarding putting an end to the “Let’s Move!” campaign, Obama said, “I just can’t imagine denying a child unlimited amounts of this sweet, sweet peach cobbler.”

“Moving is so overrated,” said Obama, who had become noticeably rotund during the three-hour binge. “Maybe Michelle can just change ‘Let’s Move!’ to ‘Let’s Roll!’ or something.”

Obama visits Normal Park school, lets honor student conduct drone strike

Published on July 30, 2013

Education/Obamanooga '13/Politics

During President Barack Obama’s one-day visit to Chattanooga, he stopped by the Normal Park Museum Magnet School in North Chattanooga to speak with students about maintaining peace in the world, even allowing one honor student to conduct a remote drone strike in Pakistan.

“As the recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize in 2009, I know a thing or two about peace,” said Obama to the auditorium full of elementary and middle school students. “And it is a great paradox of life that you must make war to have peace.”

“Now who in here likes video games?” asked Obama, who was met with an enthusiastic room full of raised hands.

The school principal led the top 7th grade honor student, Toby McBartleby, toward the stage, where multiple video screens and control joysticks were set up, to the sound of cheers and applause from his fellow classmates.

“Now Toby, this is just like playing a game on your Xbox, only this is a real aircraft flying over Pakistan that you’re piloting, thousands of miles away,” explained Obama. “See that speck? Now move the crosshairs over that speck, and then pull the trigger.”

“Got him!” said Obama. “Congratulations, Toby, that was probably a terrorist that you just killed.”

Obama heard the sound of someone clearing his throat and looked behind him, at two Secret Service agents wearing dark suits and sunglasses, who were both shaking their heads from side-to-side.

“I mean, that terrorist you just…tickled,” said Obama. “To death.”

President Obama Stops By Rock City, Calls Bullshit on Seeing Seven States

Published on July 30, 2013

Business/Obamanooga '13

During a stop today at Chattanooga tourism mainstay Rock City, President Obama was overheard commenting about the park’s main attraction of “seeing seven states” as “complete bullshit.”

“I believe the great citizens of Chattanooga are being ass fed a shit bag of lies,” said President Obama. “I paid my goddamn quarter and couldn’t see a fucking thing, let alone seven damn states!”

It was reported the President proceeded to shake the swinging bridge while others crossed and laugh at those who failed the fat man squeeze.

“The only thing worse would be to look down upon Chattanooga and view a hunk of shit cars or visit a man made cave with a mediocre waterfall,” said Obama.

Photo courtesy of CB Staff/Harold Hardass

Clerical error blamed for Presidential tour of North Shore barge

Published on July 30, 2013

Business/Obamanooga '13

A disappointed Barack Obama (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/bqBWPu)

The City of Chattanooga has blamed a clerical error for a mix-up regarding President Barack Obama’s visit, which led the Presidential entourage to tour the infamous deteriorating North Shore barge—widely considered to be an eyesore and embarrassment—instead of the flourishing Amazon fulfillment center as expected.

After Obama stepped out of the presidential limousine and onto the creaky, dilapidated barge—which has been moored across from the Tennessee Aquarium and unused since 2009—he said, “Well, this…is…uh…interesting,” while clearly confused.

“This is a symbol of…progress?” said Obama, speaking extemporaneously without a teleprompter. “No wait. This is a monument to Chattanooga’s rich history. No, not that either. What is this, again?”

As Obama spoke, Mayor Andy Berke ran frantically toward the barge, flailing his arms, screaming, “Noooo! Noooo! Look away! Look at our beautiful bridge instead!”

The presidential itinerary was corrected and the entourage was directed toward the Amazon fulfillment center instead of the next destination on the original, erroneous route, Chuck’s Condom Shop on Main Street.

Secret Service Seen Dragging Vice President Joe Biden from Local Gentlemens Club Diamonds and Lace

Published on July 30, 2013

Obamanooga '13

After arriving a day before President Barack Obama in Chattanooga, Vice President Joe Biden was seen entering Chattanooga’s own Diamonds and Lace show bar in a drunken stupor. It was reported that members of Vice President Biden’s secret service team were seen dragging the intoxicated Vice President out of the night club this morning around 2AM, where he proceeded to urinate on Brainerd Road.

“This place is a big fucking deal, along with the breasts”, exclaimed Biden, while vomiting on his shoes.

While there were no formal plans for Biden to attend President Obama’s speech today at the Amazon Fulfillment Center, he was reported to want to see “what this choo choo hoopla shit was all about.”

Riverbend organizers give up, outsource Insane Clown Posse

Published on June 18, 2013

Culture/Riverbend

Insane Clown Posse (Used under the CC-BY-ND-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/9xUQ1D)

At a press conference yesterday afternoon it was announced that Friends of the Festival, the organization that coordinates the annual Riverbend music festival, has outsourced next year’s event and all future events to the Michigan horrorcore hip-hop duo Insane Clown Posse.

“We give up,” said head Riverbend organizer Ginger Dewarr. “We are sick of it, busting our butts all year long, volunteering our time and effort, to put on this huge festival that draws tens of thousands of attendees and is an incredible bargain, and people just whine like entitled, ungrateful little shits.”

“From this point forward, our board of directors has unanimously agreed to employ the services of Insane Clown Posse to organize and curate all future Riverbend Festivals,” said Dewarr. “This is a win-win situation, taking the responsibility and blame off our hands and saving us money, since we only have to pay them with a dozen cases of Faygo.”

Dewarr explained that Riverbend would now be a southern extension of the annual “Gathering of the Juggalos” outdoor festival presented by Insane Clown Posse since 2000.

Representatives DJ Clay and Sugar Slam then took the podium while shouting out “Whoop whoop!” and spraying the soft drink Faygo onto the first row in the audience.

“What up ninjas! We are bringing the Dark Carnival to this backwoods bitch-ass town,” said DJ Clay. “The whole Psychopathic Records family, yo, plus wrestling, the Neden Game, wet t-shirt Juggalette contests, and more.”

“We’ll have magicians, jugglers, dudes on stilts, a giant water slide, real Midway games, and other things you might expect to see at a five-year-old’s birthday party,” said Sugar Slam.

Insane Clown Posse member Violent J appeared via a remote video link on a giant screen and explained that while the original Midwest “Gathering of the Juggalos” event is like Mecca for Juggalos—the nickname for fans of the band—the new Chattanooga event will be like Medina.

Violent J announced that the 2014 Riverbend lineup will include Kanye West, Daft Punk, Jack White, Wu-Tang Clan, Radiohead, Katy Perry, Tom Waits, Dirty Projectors and Vanilla Ice.

Christian band Newsboys banned from Riverbend after offensive performance

Published on June 12, 2013

Culture/Riverbend

Newsboys, from Australia (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/9HWkmo)

The headlining act of the 2013 Riverbend Festival’s Family & Faith Night, the Australian Christian rock band Newsboys, has been banned from performing at future Riverbend Festivals after a controversial Tuesday night performance.

The band members, clad in black leather clothing, gave a performance filled with gratuitous nudity, onstage drinking and copious profanity.

“We received very, very, very many disgruntled emails,” said head Riverbend organizer Ginger Dewarr. “Those Vegemite-munching koala-humpers won’t be coming back.”

The quartet began the performance with an enthusiastic rendition of the group’s hit song “F-ck You, Satan!” before playing another fan-favorite, “Crazy (Like a Motherf-cker about Jesus).”

Newsboys lead singer Michael Tait, also known as a founding member of DC Talk, then began the sacrament of Holy Communion onstage by throwing loaves of bread into the audience while saying, “Jesus said, ‘This is my body, broken for you. Do this in remembrance of me.'”

Tait proceeded to grab his shirt with both hands and rip it off his body, revealing his six-pack abs, saying, “And this is my body. My awesome, ripped body, for you.”

Tait then mooned the audience.

Continuing the sacrament, Tait poured a generous helping of communion wine into a large silver chalice and drank it in one gulp, before swiftly pouring another serving and imbibing it.

“We have written their management a stern letter, and it’s safe to say they won’t be coming back,” said Dewarr. “Where’s your savior now, Jesus-boys?”

Officials Announce Bessie Smith Strut Now a “Profanity Free Zone”

Published on June 10, 2013

Culture/Riverbend

In an effort to keep the wholesome family friendly image that Riverbend is known for, officials announced that today’s Bessie Smith Strut will become a “profanity free zone.” The news comes a day after the controversial decision to ban dropped; yet rehired singer Cee Lo Green after a profanity filled performance at the festival on Saturday.

The Bessie Smith Strut, which takes place on Martin Luther King Boulevard every year during Riverbend week, is known for its barbecue and blues music. Event planners hope families, who employ a more “traditional” standard of decency, will take notice and choose to attend the event this year.

No longer can the phrases: “fuck, this corn dog is the shit”, or “shit, that son of a bitch has a gun” be uttered without immediate dismissal from the event.

Due to the new policy, the private security hired to police the festival has called in 30 extra officers as reinforcements. Armed with high-powered microphones, personnel will be placed upon rooftops along the strut to listen for those in violation of the new policy.

“I think it’s wonderful that sanctions have been put in place to keep the strut in line with Riverbend being a family friendly event,” said Mayor Berke, when informed of the new policy. “Come to think of it, this is a big fucking ass deal.”

(image courtesy of Bessie Smith Cultural Center. http://www.bessiesmithcc.org/)

Strut renamed “Bessie and Will Smith Strut”

Published on June 9, 2013

Culture/Riverbend

Will Smith (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/9Q1f4h)

At a press conference Friday afternoon, it was announced by representatives of the Bessie Smith Cultural Center that the Bessie Smith Strut—the popular annual street party event held on ML King Blvd. as part of Riverbend—was to be renamed “The Bessie and Will Smith Strut,” by unanimous decision of the organizers.

The new name comes one year after several notable changes were made to the festival, including charging an admission fee for the formerly free event, beefing up security and enclosing the grounds of the Strut with fencing.

Head organizer Pat Loorey explained that the name change was made in an attempt to draw a bigger audience and be more accessible by appealing to fans of Will Smith, known as a star of many blockbuster films including Men in Black and Independence Day and as a rapper with the moniker “The Fresh Prince.”

Will Smith is not related to the legendary blues singer Bessie Smith nor has any formal connection to Chattanooga.

“Bessie Smith was rightfully called ‘The Empress of the Blues,’ and her rich, soulful voice lives on,” said Loorey. “But parts of her life are frightful and not exactly family-friendly, like her alcoholism and promiscuity.”

“She had some depressing and disturbing songs, with titles like ‘Send Me to the ‘Lectric Chair’ and ‘Wasted Life Blues,'” continued Loorey. “Have you heard ‘St. Louis Blues‘? It’s goddamn creepy.”

“Now Will Smith—there’s an entertainer that every man, woman and child in Chattanooga can get behind,” said Loorey, who also pointed out that Will Smith will not be in attendance.

“Come on down Monday and raise an oversized turkey leg to Bessie and Will, and any other successful black people who have the last name ‘Smith,'” said Loorey.

Specials - Page 4