Riverbend organizers wake from 19-year cryogenic hibernation, book hottest bands from 1996

Stone Temple Pilots (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/9phUDn)

At a press conference yesterday afternoon, organizers of the annual Riverbend summer music festival announced the final lineup for this year’s event, after being cryogenically frozen for nearly two decades.

“We listened to all of you who said to us, ‘Show me the money!'” said Riverbend organizer Joselyn Boykinns. “We are confident you will think this year’s lineup is all that and a bag of chips.”

The 2015 Riverbend Festival, which is scheduled for June 5-13, will feature many acts that were popular in the early-to-mid ’90s, including Stone Temple Pilots, Melissa Etheridge, Chubb Rock, Doug E. Fresh and Slick Rick.

“We tried our best to get Spin Doctors and Hootie & The Blowfish, but it didn’t work out,” said Boykinns, who has recently emerged from a 19-year state of cryopreservation.

“Whatever,” said Boykinns, while forming the letter “W” with her thumbs and index fingers. “If you don’t like the lineup, well, you can just talk to the hand, ’cause the face ain’t listening!”

Francis Porkloin
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