Vodka mistakenly served instead of Holy Water during Riverbend’s Faith and Family night

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In what some are calling an error of biblical proportions, drink vendors during Riverbend’s Faith and Family night served festival-goers Vodka instead of the usual holy water on the sacred rocks.

Experts on the matter believe there should be no cause for alarm as both liquids lead those who partake to Jesus anyway.

“I am shocked and appalled that Friends of the Festival would allow my unvaccinated son to drink the devil’s juice instead of the blood of the lamb while he sees Switchfeet or whatever,” explained Riverbend attendee Deborah Smith. “They could have at least had the vodka blessed!”

“Don’t worry, I have blessed it,” explained Father Basil Marceaux.

Toby Keith cancels Riverbend performance to join Church of Urth

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Just hours before his performance at the 2017 Riverbend Festival, country music star Toby Keith announced plans to cancel the gig and join the Church of Urth. Sources say the newly formed church has cleared a path for Keith’s tour buses to pull into their some to be evicted home at the Mercy Junction.

Experts believe the Church will take refuge in one of Keith’s many tour buses, where they will continue to post their weird cult-like videos with backing tracks by Toby Keith kicking non-Urth believer ass for America.

“We’ll put a completely asinine mythical belief up your ass, it’s the Urth way,” explained Church of Urth lay leader/country music star Toby Keith.

Riverbend attendees urged to pretend they’re at Bonnaroo, not shower to conserve water

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After Tennessee American Water asked customers east of Missionary Ridge to curb water usage, due to major repair work on a broken valve, Riverbend attendees were urged to pretend they’re at Bonnaroo by not showering.

“Some consider Riverbend to be the cheaper, county-fair-style alternative to the more renowned Bonnaroo,” said resident Damon Jesbedder. “But tonight, Riverbend audiences can use their imagination and pretend they’re at Bonnaroo, among thousands of filthy neo-hippies, simply by not washing themselves.”

“If you inhale enough body odor fumes, then George Thorogood starts to look like Bono,” said Jesbedder.

Bryan College President Stephen Livesay forcing faith and family night performers to sign statement of belief

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While acts were arriving for Riverbend’s annual Faith and Family night, Bryan College President Stephen Livesay was spotted forcing artists so sign a statement of belief, an act he was highly scrutinized for some years ago.

Sources say Livesay quickly approached headliner Crowder as he arrived at the festival grounds, who became so startled that his trucker hat flew into the river.

“The representatives of Christian music should be 100% committed to Christianity and 0% to Satan,” explained Livesay.”The only evolution here should be from the keyboard to the keytar.”

Bessie Smith descendants recall her favorite hipster craft beer bars during Strut

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While hundreds crowd Martin Luther King Jr Boulevard for Riverbend’s Bessie Smith Strut, descendants of the late Chattanooga singer reflect of her favorite hipster craft beer spots.

Reporters caught up with Smith’s descendants as they enjoyed the Strut’s fried chicken offerings while surrounded by a group of drunk caucasians.

“When Bessie wasn’t chomping down on a 5 lb turkey leg or a stick of deep-fried butter wrapped in a funnel cake, she was enjoying a refreshing small batch IPA by a local microbrewery,” explained Bessie Smiths great great great nephew, Nessie Smith.

Singing man shocks Riverbend Festival attendees with profanity-ridden performance (NOT REAL)

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During his Saturday night performance at the 2017 Riverbend Festival, former Eagles member song singing man sent attendances home shocked and upset with his profanity-laced lyrics. All of this happened just an hour before the 9:30 headliner Ludacris took the stage with his family friendly show.

The night began to take a turn for Riverbend attendees after man’s rendition of Hotel California included the lines “Welcome to the h*llhole that is Hotel California, such a shi**y place, and I will f**k your face.”

The night became even more obscene after manguy brought out former Riverbend performer and now banned Cee Lo Green, who began to vulgarly trash former Eagles members, Don Henley and Glenn Frey, then proceeded to paint the River Gorge Explorer gold.

(edited for cease and desist)

Riverbend headliner Toby Keith investigated for sharing secret guitar riffs with Saudis

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Three weeks after country music star and Riverbend headliner Toby Keith performed in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia to an all-male audience, taking place during President Trump’s first overseas trip, it was reported that Keith was being investigated for sharing secret guitar riffs with the Saudi government.

“We need to get to the bottom of this,” said political analyst Abe Tolhirst. “We are talking about some sick riffs, like, some absolutely killer riffage that should only be in American hands.”

“These riffs are military-grade riffs that can make people lose their minds and incessantly hoot and holler and make poor fashion decisions, involving denim abuse and flag motifs,” said Tolhirst.

It is unknown whether or not Keith will use these riffs at his June 16 performance at Riverbend.

Andy Berke caught kissing reflection in mirror after re-election

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Shocking allegations have emerged that Mayor Andy Berke was caught kissing his own reflection in a mirror after being re-elected last night, according to sources.

“It was totally weird,” said one anonymous witness. “First, he was talking to his reflection in this kind of high, baby voice, saying, ‘Who’s a big, strong two-term mayor?'”

“Then, he changed his voice into a deep, manly voice and said, ‘Andy wants some candy,'” said the witness. “Then he closed his eyes and just started kissing his reflection, like, really going to town.”

“There are some things that you just can’t un-see,” said the witness.

Last year, Berke was accused of having an inappropriate relationship with his senior adviser, and her husband allegedly caught the two kissing.

“Let me be clear: the allegations are absolutely false. I do not and never had an inappropriate relationship with that mirror,” said Berke at a press conference today.

The mirror has not returned multiple requests for comment.

Berke wears mesh shirt at Pride Parade to show transparency

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Mayor Andy Berke strutted down Riverside Drive wearing a white mesh shirt at yesterday’s Chattanooga Pride Parade in order to demonstrate a commitment to transparency, after criticism about previously using an encrypted smartphone messaging app to communicate with his staff.

“I’ve got nothing to hide,” said Berke, as he lifted up his mesh shirt to slowly rub baby oil all over his chiseled, hairless chest. “Why would I, when you’ve got these rock-hard, six-pack abs like mine?”

Berke surprised parade watchers with multiple outfit changes during the event, featuring a variety of see-through apparel, including a clear plastic vest with the words “BOY TOY” printed on it.

“I’ll comply with any open records request,” said a shirtless Berke, wearing suspenders and a bow tie.

“I’ll open my records, all right. Wide. Wide open, baby,” said Berke, before tearing his eyeglasses from his face and winking an eye.

Berke admits to giving secret decoder rings to staff

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Mayor Andy Berke admitted at a press conference this afternoon that he had previously given secret decoder rings to members of his staff for communication purposes, raising concerns about transparency and the ability to fulfill open records requests.

“Although we stopped using the rings and threw them away, as far as I know, the city of Chattanooga has no policy that disallows the use of such decoder rings,” said Berke.

Each member of Berke’s staff was assigned a different colored ring, and to begin each daily staff meeting, members would bring their hands together so that their rings would form a rainbow, according to an inside source.

Berke would then declare, “Berke Team Rainbow Seven, commence!” and the staff would clap their hands once in unison, before making an “X” with their forearms and tilting their heads down briefly.

Berke also admitted to using lemon juice as ink for certain written communications and encouraging the use of “leetspeak.”

At the end of the press conference, Berke said some words that were undecipherable by the audience.

“Etslay etgay theway ellhay outway ofway erehay, acystay,” said Berke.

Secret decoder ring (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/bXtoMA)
Secret decoder ring (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/bXtoMA)