Prison (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:

Hamilton County starts locking prison doors after business hours

After shocking revelations emerged that ankle monitors on offenders in Hamilton County aren’t being tracked after business hours and that one criminal escaped house arrest after removing his ankle monitor, the corrections department announced that it would start locking its prison doors during evenings and weekends.

“Be assured that our new policy will come at no cost to taxpayers,” said Pat Forharrel, a representative for the Hamilton County Corrections Department. “The locks on the prison doors already exist. We’re just going to start locking them, outside business hours.”

“So far, we’ve just been on the honor system,” said Forharrel. “It’s like in professional wrestling, when a referee gets distracted or perhaps gets in a prolonged conversation with a wrestler’s manager during a match. While the referee isn’t looking, it’s just assumed that everyone will play fair. No shenanigans.”

“The prisoners probably think that when the doors are closed, that they automatically lock,” said Forharrel. “Thank goodness nobody has previously leaned on their cell doors outside business hours, ’cause they would have swung wide open and somebody could have fallen down and gotten hurt.”

Prison (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:
Prison (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:

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