“Make America White Again” candidate seeks to ban tanning salons

Independent candidate Rick Tyler, who is in the race for Tennessee’s 3rd Congressional District, generated controversy due to a campaign billboard that read, “Make America White Again,” and he unveiled his plan to keep Tennesseans as pale as possible by first banning tanning salons.

“I long to see the day when I look around and just see a bunch of people who look like Edgar Winter, smiling back at me,” said Tyler.

“Tanning salons are an abomination,” said Tyler. “How can you improve upon a beautiful, pasty white ass, like mine? When I moon people, they say it’s like staring into the goddamn sun.”

Tyler has vowed to ban both traditional and bronze-spray tanning salons, along with any other skin-darkening method, with an exception made for blackface makeup.

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.

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