Health - Page 4

Benevolent UTC fraternities encourage sororities to take Ice Bucket Challenge

Ice Bucket Challenge (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:
Ice Bucket Challenge (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:

In a remarkable show of altruism, fraternities at the University of Tennessee Chattanooga (UTC) have challenged local sororities to take the Ice Bucket Challenge to promote awareness of ALS, also known as Lou Gehrig’s disease.

“There has been some confusion about the Ice Bucket Challenge, with some people not knowing that it’s about ALS awareness,” said fraternity member and UTC senior Toby Glennerster. “That’s why we have made these special white t-shirts for the sorority sisters to wear during the challenge, that read ‘The ALS Ice Bucket Challenge gets me wet.'”

“We recommend that the sisters don’t wear colored or patterned bras under the shirts, because they can make the words hard to read,” said Glennerster. “It’s best to just not wear a bra. We want the message to be perfectly clear.”

“Also, the t-shirt maker only had petite-sized shirts,” said Glennerster. “Hope that’s OK.”

The Ice Bucket Challenge involves benefactors dumping buckets of ice water on themselves while pledging a donation toward ALS research and challenging others to do the same.

“Of course, having video documentation of these young women participating in philanthropy is absolutely essential,” said Glennerster. “A shaky smartphone video just won’t cut it. An occasion like this deserves multiple ultra high definition cameras, capturing every angle, so it can be played back in slow-motion with a Marvin Gaye soundtrack.”

“It’s all about charity,” said Glennerster.

Mayor Berke to shave entire body for charity

Andy Berke
Andy Berke

At a press conference today, Mayor Andy Berke committed to shaving his entire body to help raise funds for charity.

The local charity Jack’s Chattanoggins has scheduled its annual event at the Chattanooga Market for June 1, at which time the participants will shave their heads to show support for cancer patients and raise funds to fight childhood cancer.

Berke has pledged to not only shave his head but also to completely remove any hair from his body in order to support the cause.

“It’s time to mow the lawn,” said Berke. “I’m talking every nook and cranny. When I get done, my huevos will be as smooth as summer cherries.”

“This will take me back to my Stanford days,” said Berke. “Let’s just say that my fraternity’s initiation involved a car wash and a bottle of Nair.”

Old Man Winter to crap all over Chattanooga one more time

(Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:
(Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:

At a press conference this afternoon, Old Man Winter announced that he was going to take a massive dump all over Chattanooga one last time this season, with weather forecasters predicting the area to reach freezing temperatures tonight after days of enjoyably warm and sunny weather.

“I mean that in a figurative sense,” said Winter. “In reality, when I poop, it comes out like icicles and slush. I’m just going to make things really frickin’ cold and windy tonight, because I can.”

“For f-ck’s sake, is it summer or is it winter?” said local resident Marshall Dulles. “I just packed away all my winter clothing into storage. Seriously, what the hell?”

“It’s mid-April, and my garden is totally going to be screwed,” said resident Monica Herndohn. “I just spent all weekend on it, too. I don’t want to even think about cold weather anymore, and if my daughter sings ‘Let It Go’ one more time I might lose my mind.”

Silverdale inmate who gave birth while shackled accidentally invented new fetish

(Left used and modified under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license; source: Right used and modified under the CC-BY-2.0 license; source:
(Left used and modified under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license; source: Right used and modified under the CC-BY-2.0 license; source:

While a former Silverdale correctional facility inmate is suing Silverdale, Corrections Corporation of America and the sheriff of Hamilton County for being shackled last year to a hospital bed while giving birth, local perverts and the adult entertainment industry are praising her for inadvertently inventing a new fetish.

The lawsuit alleges that being chained up constituted cruel and unusual punishment and put the pregnant mother at risk during labor, which was a unique scenario that combined elements from “Women in Prison” exploitation films, bondage, medical fetishism and maiesiophilia, also known as pregnancy fetishism.

“Justice needs to be served, and we demand to learn more details,” said local degenerate Demitri Stackpohl. “We need to know if the warden was a sadistic Nazi named Ilsa. Was the inmate given a bath afterwards or did they turn a firehose on her?”

“Were the nurses naughty?” said Stackpohl. “These are things we need to know.”

Local pub uses Kickstarter to raise funds to pass health inspection

(Used under the CC-BY-SA-3.0 license. Source:
(Used under the CC-BY-SA-3.0 license. Source:

Last week, local Irish pub Shane MacGowan’s Teeth closed its doors after failing two inspections by the Tennessee Division of General Environmental Health, which cited several critical violations involving food handling practices.

However, the pub has started a crowd-sourcing Kickstarter campaign in order to raise money to pay for renovations in order to pass future health inspections so that it may open for business again.

The Kickstarter campaign hopes to raise $20,000 to fund the changes necessary to allow the restaurant to be compliant with health standards in addition to paying for several unrelated enhancements.

“I can’t wait for us to open our doors again, so all you magnificent freaks, rednecks, creepers, perverts, assholes and shitheads can come back and enjoy our grub,” said pub owner Avery Mountbatter.

“It’s sad that ‘The Man’ is trying to keep us down by making us jump through all these bureaucratic hoops that they claim will keep our customers safe and not suffering from food poisoning and opening the sluices at both ends,” said Mountbatter.

“It’s true that we could theoretically apply for a small business loan or tap into our own private funds,” said Mountbatter. “But with Kickstarter, we have an easy and widely accepted way to essentially beg for money and take advantage of kind and generous people’s goodwill and feeling of fraternal obligation.”

“Never let a good crisis go to waste,” said Mountbatter.

Tenn. Poison Control and Miley Cyrus unveil new warning sticker design

"Miley Yuk" poison warning sticker
“Miley Yuk” poison warning sticker

Coinciding with Nashville-born pop star Miley Cyrus’ 21st birthday, it was announced at a press conference yesterday afternoon by the Tennessee Poison Center that Cyrus had teamed up with the organization to make a new warning sticker design.

The stickers are intended to be placed on containers which hold poisonous household materials, to warn children to not ingest them.

“The old Mr. Yuk design was just getting outdated,” said Tennessee Poison Center director Pat Baldacci. “Now kids these days, they pay attention to Miley. And, she’ll get her face plastered on thousands of containers all across the state, so it’s a win-win situation.”

Mr. Yuk did not respond to the Chattanooga Bystander‘s request for comments.

Hamilton County schools update sex ed with masturbation curriculum

Sex education (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source:
Sex education (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source:

For decades, sex education has been entrenched in public schools for adolescent students, addressing topics including teenage pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases and birth control, and with a new initiative, the subject of efficient masturbation will also be taught as part of the curriculum in Hamilton County schools.

The program, entitled “Get Off and Get On with Your Life,” teaches male and female students how to perform swift, efficient and satisfying self-gratification, so that the students have more free time for other activities.

“Studies have shown that, on average, teenagers spend 41% of their spare time masturbating,” said Hamilton County Schools Director of Health Dr. Muffy Hardin to The Chattanooga Bystander. “These studies have also shown that most teenagers are doing it in a grossly inefficient manner. This is time that could be spent playing sports, studying or socializing.”

“There are also environmental benefits to this initiative,” said Hardin. “Millions of gallons of water are wasted every year by teenagers who either take unnecessarily long showers or turn on the faucet in order to drown out the sounds of masturbation.”

Masturbation has long been a highly controversial topic in public discourse. Former Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders drew criticism in 1994 and was fired for suggesting that masturbation be promoted, saying, “I think that it is part of human sexuality, and perhaps it should be taught,” and the Chattanooga Times Free Press refused to publish a column last month written by former editor Drew Johnson which described the benefits of online pornography, including reduced occurrences of rape and sexual assault and lower rates of divorce and teenage pregnancy.

“While most parents have the ‘birds and the bees’ talk with their children at some point, almost all are understandably reluctant to discuss the topic of masturbation,” said Hardin.

Dr. Hardin received her medical degree from Johns Hopkins University and was a researcher at the Kinsey Institute for six years, and under the stage name “Sindee McPooncooter,” Hardin has starred in adult films including The League of Extraordinarily Large Gentlemen, Tricks Up the Wizard’s Sleeve 34 and The Curious Case of Benjamin Butthole.

“The curriculum will be the first of its kind in a public-school setting in the United States, and the coursework is extensive,” said Hardin. “Girls will be taught the benefits of using the proper equipment, such as a Hitachi Magic Wand, Vibrating Egg or Magic Bullet. I hope no girl in this country will ever use a hairbrush handle instead of a proper simulacrum.”

“Boys will be taught proper grip technique,” said Hardin. “We will teach why the ‘death grip’ should be avoided, unless the student wants a nickname such as ‘Captain Hook’ in later life.”

“Teenagers also waste valuable hours scouring the web for pictures and videos, when perfectly serviceable material is often right at hand,” said Hardin. “Our curriculum will demonstrate that your mother’s Lane Bryant catalog on the coffee table will do in a pinch.”

The Bystander extends TFP’s “The View” boycott: “We will never jack off to Jenny McCarthy again”

Jenny McCarthy (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source:
Jenny McCarthy (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source:

Yesterday, the Chattanooga Times Free Press published an editorial asking readers to boycott the ABC network daytime television talk show The View after it recently announced it was adding co-host Jenny McCarthy—Playboy Playmate, television host and actress. McCarthy has been widely criticized for continuing to spread the myth that vaccinating children can lead to autism, a notion which has absolutely no scientific basis and was started because of a fraudulent 1998 study that used manipulated data by the since-defrocked researcher Andrew Wakefield.

We, the writers of The Chattanooga Bystander, are in complete agreement with the Chattanooga Times Free Press on this matter, and we are even taking the boycott one step further by pledging to never masturbate to any photo, video footage or likeness of Jenny McCarthy again.

Never again will we firmly grasp our junk and vigorously wank rhythmically to McCarthy’s October 1993 Playboy pictorial, with her long-flowing flaxen hair, ample and soft bosom and coy yet mischievous smile.

Never again will we squeeze one off in the office restroom stall during our lunch break while staring at a pic on our iPhone of McCarthy’s infamous Candie’s shoe advertisement, where she’s sitting on a toilet with her panties around her ankles.

No, no, we will never bring ourselves to climax copiously into an old tube sock while looking at the inviting blonde tuft of hair on the mound of Venus belonging to Jenny McCarthy, who has instilled an unmerited fear of vaccines into the minds of parents because of stubborn ignorance, perpetuating a myth that has been called “the most damaging medical hoax of the last 100 years.”

By extension, The Chattanooga Bystander will also refrain from jacking off to pictures of Barbara Walters and all other co-hosts on The View.

Rep. Scott DesJarlais pre-pays fines for future sex with patients

Rep. Scott DesJarlais (R-Tenn.)
Rep. Scott DesJarlais (R-Tenn.)

Rep. Scott DesJarlais (R-Tenn.), who represents Tennessee’s 4th congressional district and also practices medicine in Jasper, Tenn., was fined $500 Thursday by the Tennessee Board of Medical Examiners for “unprofessional conduct,” citing sexual relationships he had with two of his patients in the year 2000.

Critics have deemed the fine to be a slap on the wrist, for DesJarlais’s acts which went against Tennessee law and could have resulted in suspension and revocation of his medical license.

The $500 fine—$250 for each of the two incidents—was levied to DesJarlais at the Nashville headquarters of the Tennessee Board of Medical Examiners, with the board members giving DesJarlais stern looks while wagging their fingers and saying, “Bad Scott. Bad Scott.”

“Hell, if I knew it would have been this easy, I would have nailed more of my patients,” said DesJarlais, who decided to pre-pay fines for similar planned offenses in the future. “The price is $250 a pop, right? $250 and all night I can shag her rotten?”

“What the hay, this round is on me,” said DesJarlais, as he pulled out his checkbook and waved his arm around. “Who do I make this out to?”

“All y’all doctors here, I’ve got you covered. Each of you can bang one of your patients,” said DesJarlais as he filled out a check. “Dr. Love is in the house!  Woop woop!”

Chattanooga Area Schools Winter Flu Outbreak Traced to Wal-Mart iPad Display


Are you one of many parents looking for answers on why the flu outbreak was so bad this past winter? Look no further than the electronics department of the Hamilton Place Wal-Mart.


The Hamilton County Police Department and city scientists have traced the flu source to a Apple display that prominently features one of its flagship products, the iPad.


“There’s at least 300 to 400 little snot-nosed shits touching all over that thing” electronics department day shift associate Ken Michaels declared, “it’s like a canvas for these kids, if one were to use snot instead of finger paint.”


ipadThe 2012-2013 Flu season is on track to become one of the worst outbreaks in history. Many schools were forced to close their doors due to the sheer numbers of students, teachers, and bus drivers that had been diagnosed with the virus. Some school districts even had school buses that had previously transported flu-infected passengers incinerated.

“After many man hours and fine detective work, we have come to the conclusion that this iPad is the culprit of the influenza outbreak.” Detective Joe Rodreguz explained, while pointing to the iPad in question. “The only way can assure the fine people of Chattanooga that this doesn’t happen again is for all little snot-nosed shits to be fully sanitized when entering our stores, or for parents to quit dumping their kids off while shopping.”