Health - Page 4

State legislators propose 9-month waiting period for abortions

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Pregnant woman (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/nL2KaW)
Pregnant woman (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/nL2KaW)
After the Tennessee Senate approved a bill that would require a 48-hour waiting period for women seeking abortions, some legislators proposed extending the length of the waiting period to nine months.

“We just want to make sure women have really, really thought this through before having an abortion,” said State Senator Geoff Fedherr. “Once, on a whim, I bought a pair of red leather pants, which turned out to be a mistake. If I had taken a day or two to really think about it, I could’ve avoided it.”

The 48-hour waiting period measure passed on Wednesday, although proposed amendments did not, including providing exceptions for victims of rape or incest or additionally requiring the woman to carry around an audio player that would play a child’s voice saying “I love you Mommy” on a continuous loop for the 48-hour period.

Pro-choice legislators suggested instead that the audio player should use the sound of an infant crying and screaming.

“Nine months is a totally arbitrary length of time,” said Fedherr. “We just felt like that was a long enough period of time to make a big decision.”

State Sen. Gardenhire unveils new “Insure the Assholes” plan

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TN State Senator Todd Gardenhire
TN State Senator Todd Gardenhire

After Governor Bill Haslam’s “Insure Tennessee” plan to provide coverage for approximately 280,000 uninsured Tennesseeans was voted down for a second time on Tuesday, State Senator Todd Gardenhire announced that he had drafted a bill called “Insure the Assholes” and is seeking bipartisan support.

Gardenhire received criticism from progressives for voting against “Insure Tennessee” twice, and after voting on Tuesday, when asked by an uninsured constituent if he would give up his publicly financed health insurance, Gardenhire called the man an “asshole.”

“I’m no fan of Obamacare, and I had more than a couple of concerns with ‘Insure Tennessee,'” said Gardenhire. “So, I got to work on a brand new plan to close the coverage gap for all those dickwads, cockfarmers and shitheads who don’t have insurance.”

“I call it ‘Insure the Assholes,'” said Gardenhire. “This shows that I really do care about all of those hundreds of thousands of uninsured goat-fuckers in Tennessee.”

Rossville to ban abortion, may also ban miscarriages and “pulling out”

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Rossville City Hall
Rossville City Hall

After the city council of Rossville, GA unanimously gave preliminary approval earlier this week to an ordinance that bans abortion, it announced that it is considering expanding the language to ban any obstructions to the reproductive process, such as miscarriages and the “pulling out” method of birth control.

Although law experts have deemed the ordinance unconstitutional, violating the U.S. Supreme Court case ruling “Roe v. Wade” in 1973, Rossville officials anticipate the ordinance passing into law at the next council meeting on December 8.

With the proposed new scope of the ordinance, having a miscarriage–commonly referred to as a “spontaneous abortion” before the 1980s–would be illegal, with women expected to turn themselves in to authorities.

“We thought, ‘Why stop there?'” said councilman Jethro Grobbes. “Once the procreative wheels are in motion, there should be nothing in place to stop them.”

The new language of the ordinance would also ban the act of coitus interruptus, also known as the “withdrawal method” or colloquially as “pulling out,” which is withdrawing the penis during intercourse before ejaculation.

“Remember, in the Book of Genesis, God killed Onan after he ‘spilled his seed on the ground’ while nailing his brother’s widow, refusing to impregnate his sister-in-law,” said Grobbes. “Life is precious, y’all.”

TN Amendment 1.5 could prevent men from removing bowling balls from rectum for 9-month period

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Bowling ball (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/7zBSmp)
Bowling ball (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/7zBSmp)

This election cycle, Tennessee voters will vote on Amendment 1.5 to the state Constitution, which could prevent men from removing bowling balls that have been lodged in their rectums for a 9-month period.

The proposed amendment would read:

“Nothing in this Constitution secures or protects a right for a man to remove a bowling ball from his rectum before a 9-month period has elapsed or requires the funding of such removal. The people retain the right through their elected state representatives and state senators to enact, amend, or repeal statutes regarding bowling-ball-from-rectum removal, including, but not limited to, circumstances resulting from voluntary or involuntary activities, such as severe bouncy bowling mishaps or fraternity hazing rituals.”

Public opinion has varied wildly on Amendment 1.5, sparking fiery debates and significant campaigning on both sides of the issue.

“If a man didn’t want a bowling ball in his rectum, well, he should have kept his legs shut,” said Chattanooga resident Eulas Kampfield. “I’m voting ‘Yes’ on Amendment 1.5.”

“No matter how careful you are when you’re bowling, statistically, some men are going to end up with bowling balls up their rectums,” said resident Jonas Clyftul. “And, you can’t expect bowling abstinence programs to work. It’s just human nature to want to bowl.”

“I am 18 years old and just starting college,” said UTC student Devon Tillsenn. “I am just not ready to have a bowling ball in my rectum for nine months. Maybe some day, but not now. I don’t think the government should have their hands in my rectum.”

Other constituents were confused about Amendment 1.5 and its implications.

“Amendment 1.5? I don’t know. Does this have to do with that woman who was trying to raise $800 to pay for a roadside bomb to be put in her uterus?” said resident Pat Cullems.

Benevolent UTC fraternities encourage sororities to take Ice Bucket Challenge

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Ice Bucket Challenge (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/oybzJp)
Ice Bucket Challenge (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/oybzJp)

In a remarkable show of altruism, fraternities at the University of Tennessee Chattanooga (UTC) have challenged local sororities to take the Ice Bucket Challenge to promote awareness of ALS, also known as Lou Gehrig’s disease.

“There has been some confusion about the Ice Bucket Challenge, with some people not knowing that it’s about ALS awareness,” said fraternity member and UTC senior Toby Glennerster. “That’s why we have made these special white t-shirts for the sorority sisters to wear during the challenge, that read ‘The ALS Ice Bucket Challenge gets me wet.'”

“We recommend that the sisters don’t wear colored or patterned bras under the shirts, because they can make the words hard to read,” said Glennerster. “It’s best to just not wear a bra. We want the message to be perfectly clear.”

“Also, the t-shirt maker only had petite-sized shirts,” said Glennerster. “Hope that’s OK.”

The Ice Bucket Challenge involves benefactors dumping buckets of ice water on themselves while pledging a donation toward ALS research and challenging others to do the same.

“Of course, having video documentation of these young women participating in philanthropy is absolutely essential,” said Glennerster. “A shaky smartphone video just won’t cut it. An occasion like this deserves multiple ultra high definition cameras, capturing every angle, so it can be played back in slow-motion with a Marvin Gaye soundtrack.”

“It’s all about charity,” said Glennerster.

Mayor Berke to shave entire body for charity

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Andy Berke
Andy Berke

At a press conference today, Mayor Andy Berke committed to shaving his entire body to help raise funds for charity.

The local charity Jack’s Chattanoggins has scheduled its annual event at the Chattanooga Market for June 1, at which time the participants will shave their heads to show support for cancer patients and raise funds to fight childhood cancer.

Berke has pledged to not only shave his head but also to completely remove any hair from his body in order to support the cause.

“It’s time to mow the lawn,” said Berke. “I’m talking every nook and cranny. When I get done, my huevos will be as smooth as summer cherries.”

“This will take me back to my Stanford days,” said Berke. “Let’s just say that my fraternity’s initiation involved a car wash and a bottle of Nair.”

Old Man Winter to crap all over Chattanooga one more time

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(Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/8WQfjG)
(Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/8WQfjG)

At a press conference this afternoon, Old Man Winter announced that he was going to take a massive dump all over Chattanooga one last time this season, with weather forecasters predicting the area to reach freezing temperatures tonight after days of enjoyably warm and sunny weather.

“I mean that in a figurative sense,” said Winter. “In reality, when I poop, it comes out like icicles and slush. I’m just going to make things really frickin’ cold and windy tonight, because I can.”

“For f-ck’s sake, is it summer or is it winter?” said local resident Marshall Dulles. “I just packed away all my winter clothing into storage. Seriously, what the hell?”

“It’s mid-April, and my garden is totally going to be screwed,” said resident Monica Herndohn. “I just spent all weekend on it, too. I don’t want to even think about cold weather anymore, and if my daughter sings ‘Let It Go’ one more time I might lose my mind.”

Silverdale inmate who gave birth while shackled accidentally invented new fetish

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(Left used and modified under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license; source: flic.kr/p/c2W1WW. Right used and modified under the CC-BY-2.0 license; source: flic.kr/p/7zD1Kj)
(Left used and modified under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license; source: flic.kr/p/c2W1WW. Right used and modified under the CC-BY-2.0 license; source: flic.kr/p/7zD1Kj)

While a former Silverdale correctional facility inmate is suing Silverdale, Corrections Corporation of America and the sheriff of Hamilton County for being shackled last year to a hospital bed while giving birth, local perverts and the adult entertainment industry are praising her for inadvertently inventing a new fetish.

The lawsuit alleges that being chained up constituted cruel and unusual punishment and put the pregnant mother at risk during labor, which was a unique scenario that combined elements from “Women in Prison” exploitation films, bondage, medical fetishism and maiesiophilia, also known as pregnancy fetishism.

“Justice needs to be served, and we demand to learn more details,” said local degenerate Demitri Stackpohl. “We need to know if the warden was a sadistic Nazi named Ilsa. Was the inmate given a bath afterwards or did they turn a firehose on her?”

“Were the nurses naughty?” said Stackpohl. “These are things we need to know.”

Local pub uses Kickstarter to raise funds to pass health inspection

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(Used under the CC-BY-SA-3.0 license. Source: tinyurl.com/kk7va7d)
(Used under the CC-BY-SA-3.0 license. Source: tinyurl.com/kk7va7d)

Last week, local Irish pub Shane MacGowan’s Teeth closed its doors after failing two inspections by the Tennessee Division of General Environmental Health, which cited several critical violations involving food handling practices.

However, the pub has started a crowd-sourcing Kickstarter campaign in order to raise money to pay for renovations in order to pass future health inspections so that it may open for business again.

The Kickstarter campaign hopes to raise $20,000 to fund the changes necessary to allow the restaurant to be compliant with health standards in addition to paying for several unrelated enhancements.

“I can’t wait for us to open our doors again, so all you magnificent freaks, rednecks, creepers, perverts, assholes and shitheads can come back and enjoy our grub,” said pub owner Avery Mountbatter.

“It’s sad that ‘The Man’ is trying to keep us down by making us jump through all these bureaucratic hoops that they claim will keep our customers safe and not suffering from food poisoning and opening the sluices at both ends,” said Mountbatter.

“It’s true that we could theoretically apply for a small business loan or tap into our own private funds,” said Mountbatter. “But with Kickstarter, we have an easy and widely accepted way to essentially beg for money and take advantage of kind and generous people’s goodwill and feeling of fraternal obligation.”

“Never let a good crisis go to waste,” said Mountbatter.

Tenn. Poison Control and Miley Cyrus unveil new warning sticker design

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"Miley Yuk" poison warning sticker
“Miley Yuk” poison warning sticker

Coinciding with Nashville-born pop star Miley Cyrus’ 21st birthday, it was announced at a press conference yesterday afternoon by the Tennessee Poison Center that Cyrus had teamed up with the organization to make a new warning sticker design.

The stickers are intended to be placed on containers which hold poisonous household materials, to warn children to not ingest them.

“The old Mr. Yuk design was just getting outdated,” said Tennessee Poison Center director Pat Baldacci. “Now kids these days, they pay attention to Miley. And, she’ll get her face plastered on thousands of containers all across the state, so it’s a win-win situation.”

Mr. Yuk did not respond to the Chattanooga Bystander‘s request for comments.

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