Health - Page 2

Ala. lawmakers declare life begins when stork kisses bee in cabbage patch

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Alabama state legislators passed a controversial bill today declaring that human life begins when a stork kisses a bee in a cabbage patch.

“According to our best male scientists, who have a deep understanding of the human reproductive system, a baby is created when a man and a woman love each other very much, and they hold hands,” said state legislator Bud Holleren. “Watching from Heaven, Jesus sees this and sends a stork down to earth, where it kisses a honeybee in a cabbage patch, and wham, you’ve got yourself a baby – a precious little sugar dumpling.”

“Human life begins right at that moment, in the cabbage patch,” said Holleren. “Someone told me you can make a baby by carving a hole into a head of cabbage and then sticking your wang-dang-doodle in the hole, but I tried it, and although it was fun, it didn’t work.”

School closings blamed on children not vaccinated for cooties

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Hamilton County Schools were closed today due to illness, and an outbreak of cooties was to blame, despite the wide availability of a vaccine.

“It may look like innocent hand-holding, but let me tell you, boys and girls, spreading cooties is no laughing matter,” said school nurse Pat Grundersen. “And if you’re not vaccinated, don’t even think about sharing a milkshake, even while facing each other with two separate straws, like you’re in a dang Norman Rockwell painting.”

Experts point to the anti-vaccination movement and the misconception that vaccines cause autism, which has long been debunked, as the root cause of this local cooties epidemic.

This year, there has been a measles outbreak in Washington state, and according to the CDC, up to 56,000 flu-associated deaths can occur annually in the United States alone.

“You know all those Precious Moments angel figurines? You ever wonder why they’re in heaven?” said Grundersen. “Cooties.”

Encroaching armadillos inspire yoga trend

With armadillo sightings on the rise in southeast Tennessee, due to the nocturnal mammals’ attraction to warm climates, yoga enthusiasts have found a way to incorporate the animals into their sessions.

This follows a national trend, which has been embraced by Chattanoogans, to involve various animals in yoga classes, including horses, goats, kittens and puppies.

“Armadillos are adorable creatures, and we think that yoga is mutually beneficial for humans and armadillos, as well,” said yoga teacher Buttercup Sunshower. “Armadillos are like humans, as both can have troubled souls that reside inside hardened exteriors.”

“Like the armadillos’ armored shells, humans can build up psychological and emotional walls, which can be just as tough and impenetrable,” said Sunshower. “Did I just blow your mind?”

Scientists have pointed out that armadillos should be avoided, since they can spread leprosy to humans.

“Yes, the risk is there, but it’s a small price to pay for inner peace,” said Sunshower, before cuddling with an armadillo.

Satan opens up portal next to Broad Street Walgreens in hopes to score some good drugs

In an effort to score some great earthling medications, resident Hell spokesman Satan opened up a sinkhole right next to the Broad Street Walgreens with a path directly to his lair. 

Sources a new loophole in the system has caused freshly deceased hell bound souls to leave any sort of prescription medications on earth while departing for the lake of fire. 

“You may dispose of any sensitive HIPPA information in a designated bin, but please send the good shit down to me,” explained Satan. “It’s hard keeping focused with all these fresh souls, so send down some Adderall ASAP.”

“Coyotes are motherfuckers” warns Tenn. Wildlife Dept.

The Tennessee Wildlife Department warned today at a press conference that coyote sightings have been on the rise around Chattanooga and that coyotes are a bunch of bloodthirsty motherfuckers.

“These assholes won’t think twice about ripping apart your precious little chihuahua or fluffy kitty cat,” said Rita Viscobb, a representative from the Tennessee Wildlife Department. “Coyotes are total douchebags who suck balls, so keep your tiny friends inside at night.”

“Coyotes will fuck up a little bunny rabbit just for a little snack,” said Viscobb. “I mean, what kind of a dick move is that?”

Viscobb recommended that residents should avoid keeping uneaten pet food outside, pointing out that coyotes will eat almost anything, including rotting food scraps or Taco Bell’s Beefy Crunch Burritos.

“If you see one of these rat bastard coyotes, try to scare them away by screaming ‘Go away, you coyote motherfucker!’ at them while flipping them the bird, or throw pinecones that have been covered with glitter at them,” said Viscobb. “They hate pinecones, and they hate flair.”

“If that doesn’t work, then try to publicly shame the coyotes by posting their photos on Facebook,” said Viscobb, who has a personal vendetta against coyotes.

“A coyote ate my baby,” said Viscobb, with a thick Australian accent.

Harrison Keely not selected as sexiest male alive once again

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In a decision many saw as somewhat heartbreaking, former Chattanooga news personality Harrison Keely once again failed to be named sexiest male alive. 

Formerly the online news producer for the Chattanooga Times Free Press, Keely moved to Las Vegas where he believed chances of becoming the sexiest man alive would be much higher. 

“What you need to know for today is it’s just not fair, but there’s always next calendar year,” explained Keely, while removing his Vegas showgirl attire.

“From all the pictures I’ve seen of him on my phone, I was sure he would take home the grand prize” explained new Times Free Press online personality Lesley Dale. “It was troubling the number of skin moisturizers and stabbed pictures of Blake Shelton I had to throw away from his old desk.”

TEMA bans Wind and Fire from upcoming Earth, Wind & Fire concert

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The Tennessee Emergency Management Agency (TEMA) announced that it has banned Wind and Fire from the upcoming Earth, Wind & Fire concert scheduled for March 15, 2017 at Chattanooga’s Memorial Auditorium.

“We can’t take any chances,” said TEMA representative Kelly Conpuro. “Wind and fire is a deadly combination, as we have seen with the Gatlinburg wildfires that spread rapidly due to high winds that were up to 87 miles an hour.”

For this concert, Earth, Wind & Fire will be billed as “Earth, Wind & Fire Minus Wind & Fire” to reflect the change.

“This kind of preventative action is not unprecedented,” said Conpuro. “The Tennessee Department of Health banned Blood from concerts by Blood, Sweat and Tears during the ’80s AIDS epidemic.”

Experts warn of Southside “condom desert” after closing of Chuck’s

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Urban planning experts have warned city officials that the upcoming closing of the Main Street nightclub Chuck’s, a.k.a. “The Condom Shop,” would leave a “condom desert” in the Southside after October 22.

Much like an urban “food desert,” which is a location that lacks convenient access to grocery stores, a “condom desert” would be a location that lacks ample access to prophylactics.

“Let’s say you are a young, single male who is partying on the Southside late one night, and you find yourself getting hot-and-heavy with a honey who is ready to go,” said urban planner Grace Solvowitz. “You’ve got to wrap that junk. But where do you go, after Chuck’s is gone? And let’s not forget dental dams, for the ladies.”

“In this day and age of diseases, coitus interruptus is not an option,” said Solvowitz, who then began to sing the chorus of “Don’t Pull Your Love,” the song popularized by Hamilton, Joe Frank & Reynolds.

Study: 40% of all local businesses to be yoga-related by 2020

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A study released today by the Tennessee Department of Commerce predicted that by the year 2020, approximately 40% of all Chattanooga businesses will be yoga-related.

“It’s blowing up!” said local yoga expert, Rain Summerberry. “Back in August, we had the debut of the Southern Bend Yoga Festival, and two weeks ago, we had the Divine Fire Yoga Festival. There are twenty-seven more yoga festivals scheduled here in the next month alone, taking place in parks, resorts, event venues, bars, alleyways, basements and vacant gravel lots.”

“Really, anywhere you can lay down a yoga mat,” said Summerberry.

“When you think about it, yoga can have a huge impact on local commerce,” said Kris Fogley of the Tennessee Department of Commerce. “Yoga people need yoga clothes, yoga paraphernalia, expensive food and drink from Whole Foods or Fresh Market and lots of crappy hippie-type music made by white people with dreadlocks.”

“Most people just drink water when they feel like they are thirsty,” said Fogley. “But yoga people have these fancy water bottles that come in pretty colors that glow when you need to take a drink of water. Those cost good money.”

“Last month, Chattanooga had its first Rage Yoga class, which mixes yoga with swearing, drinking beer and blaring rock music,” said Summerberry. “In East Ridge next month, there’s going to be a ‘Meth Yoga’ class, which we are looking forward to.”

“There are so many new varieties and niches, like ‘Insult Yoga,’ ‘Bare-Knuckle Yoga’ and ‘Toga Yoga,’ where everyone pretends that they are at the toga party in the movie Animal House,” said Summerberry. “Did I mention ‘Dexys Midnight Yoga’? You do yoga at midnight while listening to the song ‘Come On Eileen’ over and over, wearing clothing from the ’80s.”

Yoga (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/J9CcVh)
Yoga (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/J9CcVh)

Guy who eats 13 Little Debbie snack cakes a day wins IRONMAN

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In a shocking turn of events at this years Chattanooga IRONMAN, participant and 350lb Little Debbie enthusiast Todd Linderman came in first place over all. Linderman’s win puts to rest the irony thought by many of having a fatty junk food maker the sponsor of a world class triathlon.

“He was trailing behind the last athlete by about 3 hours,” said one spectator. “Then someone informed him of unlimited Little Debbies at the finish line and the rest is now history.”