Health

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene owns stock in vaccines, Jewish space lasers

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Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene

After it was reported that U.S. Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene owned stock in three COVID-19 vaccine makers earlier this month, despite being critical of vaccines and vaccine mandates, further disclosures have revealed that Greene also owns stock in Jewish space lasers.

Scrutiny of Greene’s financial disclosures shows ownership of stock in the Goldfarbstein conglomerate, which makes diverse products including matzo, chocolate coins, dreidels, and high-powered space lasers.

Some have speculated that these Goldfarbstein space lasers could have terrifying capabilities, such as starting wildfires, vaporizing gentiles, or making a laser light show extravaganza based on the music of Neil Diamond.

“Representative Greene’s hypocrisy is disturbing, especially knowing that these Jewish space lasers can cause such mass destruction,” said north Georgia resident Finn Showalter. “It’s frightening to think that after a laser attack, your anguished cries would be said to no one there. And no one heard at all.”

“Not even the chair,” said Showalter. “Oy vey.”

Dying Covid patients asking for vaccine and refund on Riverbend tokens

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As hospital ICUs reach max capacity, mostly with unvaccinated Covid-19 patients, many doctors and nurses are reporting patients are asking if they can get the vaccine and a refund on previously purchased Riverbend tokens that were never spent due to a two year cancellation of the festival, only to be told it’s too late.

Sources are saying local hospitals such as Erlanger and Memorial have seen an uptick in patients complaining of extreme breathing issues, and carrying a large dusty sack of unused Riverbend tokens is not helping.

“My 58 year old unvaccinated Uncle Karl only wanted a single Miller light in 2018, but was forced to purchase 10 dollars worth of non-refundable Riverbend tokens, now he’s gasping for air with a tube down his throat after hours of watching Tucker Carlson only to be told it’s too late for a vaccination or any sort of Token refund,” explained one local resident, while grasping onto a shoebox full of Riverbend tokens.

Dunlap “Unvax 4 old Penthouse Magazines” sweepstakes beginning soon

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After Chattanooga Mayor Tim Kelly announced sweepstakes giving vaccinated individuals a chance to win $1000, a representative from Chattanooga area city Dunlap, TN announced their own sweepstakes giving unvaccinated individuals a chance to win roughly $1000 worth of dirty old Penthouse magazines found under a local trailer.

Experts believe the giveaway might be a waste of perfectly good old Penthouse magazines as Sequatchie County has one of the lowest vaccination rates in the state of Tennessee.

“Hell yeah if I can get my hand on these filthy titty magazines just by not taking no Bill Gates Fauci tracking device, you can sign me up, or not sign up, or whatever gets me them things,” explained Dunlap resident, Dusty Shitkicker.

Sources say the small percentage of residents in the area who happened to get the vaccine were seen trying to “siphon the Fauci curse out of my asshole with an old garden hose” just for a chance to snag the magazine collection prize.

Megachurch to add snake handling, live tigers to packed, maskless services

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After receiving criticism for holding indoor church services with hundreds of people without distancing or mask requirements, a Cleveland megachurch decided to step up their faith by adding snake handling and live tigers to their services, during a time when Tennessee was ranked first in the nation for new COVID-19 cases per capita.

“Jesus taught us to turn the other cheek, but he also taught us not to be pussies,” said churchgoer Clyde Tamrenn. “Man, having these tigers just roam free is taking my faith to the next level, even though they’re kind of spooked by the loud music and all the jumping and singing and people falling down crying.”

“Y’all, dig on this double dog determinism from my main man John Calvin: God already knows if each of us is preordained to eternal life or eternal damnation, along with the interpretation of divine foreknowledge and omniscience that can be compatible with metaphysical free will,” said Tamrenn. “So even if we choose to party with these rattlesnakes and wild tigers, whether or not we get poisoned and horribly mauled is up to God’s will.”

“So likewise, I can choose to walk across a busy highway without looking, and if I die, then hey, God’s will,” said Tamrenn. “At least I’m not a pussy, like Satan.”

Editorial: I have COVID-19 and I’m JACKED for the Chattanooga freedom rally

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If you’re like me and love freedom, you’re probably getting sick and tired of having to stay home and doing your reps in your shitty one-car garage. It seems like only yesterday I was in the gym getting swole with my bros. This is probably where I got this so-called “COVID-19”.

My bro, who I will call J-Dawg for privacy purposes, was complaining of some fever and shortness of breath bullshit. We all know Jake isn’t a wuss, so he hit the garage gym anyway. Because we are all fuckin’ jacked and ripped, we like to lift with our mouths. Now we usually wipe down the bars in between turns, but a bunch of fuckin’ Karens bought up all the wipes at the Food City so the blood, sweat, urine, and saliva had to remain.

A week later, I’m sitting here on my lift seat, typing this out with a fever, and I can’t taste a damn thing in this protein shake. It’s bullshit. A fellow bro told me I should get tested for this coronavirus or whatever so I drove my sweet ass 2009 Mustang Convertable thru a drive thru testing place. Some doctor stuck a long ass qtip in my nose then called me later and told me I was sick. I told them of course I’m fuckin siccckk, but they said I have the coronavirus or ‘rona if you’re cool and i should stay home or some bullshit.

All this time in isolation without being able to hit up Planet Fitness, Buds, GNC, Disney World, the former Electric Cowboy to pay my respects, and Hamilton Skate Place made me realize the government is holding us down. What can only be called a miracle, I heard there was a rally happening today to protest the government’s tyrannical ways. I may feel like shit, but you bet my swole ass ill be there.

Now I keep hearing things about flattening the curve. The only curve being flattened is my biceps from not lifting. The government WILL NOT take this away from me. I will be at this protest. I WILL demand my rep to allow me to rep.

To all my brothers and sisters in freedom. I’ll see you out there. I won’t need a mask because it hurts to breathe and the only gloves i’ll be wearing are the fingerless ones when I’m lifting 900 pounds over my head.

Keep lifting for freedom,

Sly

Everyday heroes: adult bookstore donates 1,000 gimp masks to local hospitals

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A Chattanooga adult bookstore has responded to the issue of limited supplies of face masks for medical personnel and caretakers, in the middle of the COVID-19 pandemic, by donating 1,000 gimp masks to hospitals.

“It warms my heart to see such an outpouring of kindness and generosity during this challenging time,” said local bondage enthusiast Ashley Umswig. “And these are high-quality gimp masks, too, made of genuine full-grain black leather.”

This donation comes at a time when local residents have volunteered to create homemade masks for medical professionals, in preparation for possible shortages.

Medical experts do not recommend using ball-gags for protection against communicable diseases such as COVID-19, because they do not provide adequate coverage.

10-person gathering limit devastates local orgy community

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Shockwaves were felt throughout Chattanooga’s orgy community after Tennessee Governor Bill Lee signed Executive Order 17, which prohibits social gatherings of more than 10 people.

“How am I supposed to get off by having sex with less than 10 people?” said local swinger and orgy enthusiast Kelly Tristhem. “All I’m asking for, and this isn’t much, is to have my wildest fantasies fulfilled by bathing in a giant ocean of flesh and genitals, all flopping around, while everyone is greased up and wearing masquerade masks, moaning and making animal noises and writhing with ecstasy and orgasmic pleasure.”

Citizens are currently strongly advised to stay at home and avoid contact with other people while COVID-19 cases are swiftly increasing unless absolutely necessary, due to health and safety reasons, and state authorities have unveiled their new pro-masturbation campaign with the slogan: “Masturbation: it’s sex with someone you love.”

Monday forecast: sunny 70 degrees, then snow, floods, blood rain, plagues of locusts, frogs, chicken parts

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Forecasters are predicting Monday’s weather in Chattanooga to include sunny, 70-degree weather, then a snowstorm, then flash flooding, then a torrent of blood rain, then plagues of locusts, frogs and chicken parts.

“Don’t stow away your galoshes just yet! It’s been a wild week, and it’s just going to get wilder,” said local weather forecaster Pat Valdasto. “Bring your umbrella, because we’re expecting to see locusts and frogs and random chicken parts, just flying around everywhere.”

“I’m just a meteorologist, and there’s no need to panic,” said Valdasto. “But in my expert opinion, I think God or Shiva or Cthulhu is angry with us, and we are all going to die horrible, painful deaths soon.”

David Blaine to return to Chattanooga to drink glass of unboiled tap water

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After performing last year at Chattanooga’s Tivoli Theatre, street magician and death-defying endurance artist David Blaine said that he would be making a surprise return to Chattanooga this weekend to perform one of the riskiest stunts of his career: to drink an entire glass of tap water that has not been boiled, despite Tennessee American Water’s precautionary “boil water advisory” in effect after a major water main had broken and was repaired.

“David is off the chain with this stunt,” said local fan Wendy Tudanna. “This is a guy who shot himself in the mouth on purpose, catching the bullet in a metal cup held between his teeth. He was suspended over the River Thames for 44 days in a Plexiglas case. But I’m genuinely afraid for him with this stunt.”

Residents urged to conserve water except hospitals, bikini car washes

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In response to a water outage caused by a 36-inch water main break, Chattanooga residents are urged to conserve water while service is being restored, except for hospitals and bikini car washes.

“Please, let’s all try to be responsible citizens during this challenging time, and only use water for the most important reasons, like when there is an urgent medical need, or if you are running a smokin’ hot bikini car wash,” said local officials.

“Emergency supplies of water are being delivered to local hospitals, for those with medical conditions, and bikini car washes, to ensure that there are enough pails of soapy water to wet down those slippery, magnificent curves on hot, sweaty bods, scrubbing away at dirty cars under the sweltering sun, on these last days of summer, before our youth wastes away and is but a faint memory, like the fading scent of honeysuckle as we danced barefoot in the forest with wildflowers in our hair,” officials said.

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