Health - Page 3

TEMA apologizes for “You are going to die soon” test alerts

The Tennessee Emergency Management Agency (TEMA) apologized after bombarding mobile phone users with a barrage of test alerts that told the recipients that they were going to die horrible deaths in the near future.

The graphic alerts, none of which bothered to explicitly say that it was just a test to kick off National Preparedness Month, went into extreme detail about the excruciating pain that was imminent, due to a variety of simultaneous disasters, and they even described the types of wildlife that would feed on the recipients’ carcasses.

Several alerts expressed an existential anguish, chiding recipients who believed they were at death’s door that they spent too much time working rather than playing with their children, while other alerts encouraged Tennessee residents to be adventurous and go wild with abandon in the last few minutes of their lives.

“We are so, so sorry for the confusion and misunderstandings,” said TEMA director, Jerred Yeardley. “But on the bright side, my wife and I just had the best sex of our lives.”

Insurers to create GoFundMe campaigns for policy holders before price hikes

Health insurers in Tennessee have announced that they will automatically create individual GoFundMe campaigns for each ObamaCare exchange plan policy holder for convenience, after it was announced that Tennessee regulators had approved large increases in individual rates for 2017.

Tennessee’s largest health insurer, BlueCross BlueShield of Tennessee, was approved for a 62 percent increase in individual rates for next year, while Cigna and Humana were approved for 46.3 percent and 44.3 percent, respectively.

Proponents of the Affordable Care Act, also known as “ObamaCare,” have praised the program for encouraging people to obtain insurance, which can be subsidized, while opponents have cited increases such as these as evidence that ObamaCare is faulty.

The Temptations song “Ain’t too Proud too Beg” was played at a press conference earlier today, before insurance company representatives made the announcement.

“Crowdsourcing platforms such as GoFundMe have made it easy and socially acceptable to essentially beg,” said Lester Gileadd, an insurance industry representative. “We’ve all decided to automatically create these GoFundMe fundraising campaigns for our individual policy holders, ’cause after these upcoming price hikes, you’re going to need every penny.”

“The best thing to do is to just try not to get sick, y’all,” said Gileadd.

Local gangs agree to truce over bathroom bread thawing


After weeks of relentless violence, representatives from Chattanooga area gangs have agreed to a cease fire. Members say the shocking revelation of a local restaurant thawing out their sandwich bread in bathrooms have rendered members in a disgusted state where the willpower to continue drive-by shootings and stabbings has stopped.

“Shooting up a house over claiming public property to be yours must be done on a full stomach,” explained local gang member Jeffrey Stephens. “Just the thought of enjoying a tasty sandwich that has been exposed to poo-particles, leaves me without an appetite to continue my childish and moronic profession.”

Local girlfriends release study linking semen consumption with cancer

Research lab (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source:
Research lab (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source:

The results of a scientific study were released today by a group of local girlfriends, in cooperation with the UT College of Medicine in Chattanooga, linking the consumption of semen with an increased risk of cancer.

The study’s results were published on the same day that a completely different study was published in the medical journal The Lancet, which concluded that the consumption of processed and red meat led to a greater risk of colon cancer.

“The bitter truth may be hard to swallow, but we have found sufficient evidence that semen can be a carcinogen when consumed,” said lead researcher Dr. Sylvie Wellyns. “It’s a sticky situation, to be sure.”

Local boyfriends disputed the outcome of the study, alleging that the research was flawed and that the results were inconclusive.

Wellyns announced that her research team would soon be able to report the results of two other studies which draw connections between contact with semen and skin cancer of the face, and between shaving a woman’s pubic region and hepatitis.

VW offers pumpkin-spice emissions system for rigged diesel cars


VW_pumpkinJust in time for the fall season, automaker Volkswagen announced today that it would offer a pumpkin-spice emissions system as a stopgap measure for its controversial diesel cars that were programmed to only use full emissions controls during official testing.

“Sure, these diesel cars may emit up to 40 times the acceptable limit of unhealthy pollutants, but now, you’ll also get a whiff of a delightful pumpkin spice fragrance,” said a Volkswagen spokesperson. “It’ll make you think of Mom’s pumpkin pie or taking a brisk walk through a forest with beautiful fall colors.”

VW halts “inflatable passenger” option for carpool lane users

Inflatable passenger (l), VW logo (r)
Inflatable passenger (l), VW logo (r)

Automaker Volkswagen has halted plans to offer an “inflatable passenger” option in new cars for carpool lane users after allegations emerged from the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) that the software running on 482,000 diesel cars – including the 2014 and 2015 Passat manufactured in Chattanooga – was essentially a “defeat device” for emissions testing.

The inflatable passenger option would allow the driver, when driving alone, to activate a freon canister to inflate a blow-up doll in the passenger seat and to avoid scrutiny when using the High Occupancy Vehicle lanes during weekday morning and afternoon commutes, which by law can only be used by vehicles with two or more occupants.

High Occupancy Vehicle lanes are designed to reduce congestion and encourage people to carpool in order to reduce the pollution caused by car emissions.

According to investigators, Volkswagen admitted that the defeat device was installed, which would recognize when an official emissions test was occurring and turn on full emissions controls only during that time.

Emissions testing has measurably improved the air quality in Hamilton County since 2004, when it did not meet the Federal Standard.

Volkswagen CEO Martin Winterkorn offered an apology for breaking the trust of their customers and added, “You win this round, Mother Nature. Just watch your back, granola queen.”

Weston Wamp rescued from hot, locked car


Weston Wamp
Weston Wamp
A local woman was hailed as a hero this afternoon after rescuing former Congressional candidate Weston Wamp from a locked car in 88-degree weather in the Hamilton Place Mall parking lot.

“I was on my way back to my car, and I saw him, just sitting there in the back seat of a car, completely drenched in sweat with a sad look on his face,” said Chattanooga resident Vanessa Ormundy.

Ormundy ran to her car and retrieved a tire iron, with which she shattered the passenger-side window before unlocking the door and pulling Wamp out of the car.

The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration has advised that it can take as few as 10 minutes for the temperature inside a car to jump around 20 degrees, even if the windows are open.

A small group of people applauded Ormundy after witnessing the rescue.

“I thought to myself, ‘If I don’t do something, this little guy is going to die,'” said Ormundy. “Anybody would have done the same thing.”

New law requires 48-hr. waiting period before having sex with Rep. DesJarlais


Rep. Scott DesJarlais (R-Tenn.)
Rep. Scott DesJarlais (R-Tenn.)
One day after Tennessee Governor Bill Haslam signed a bill requiring a 48-hour waiting period before a woman can obtain an abortion, state lawmakers passed a piece of legislation that requires women to wait 48 hours before having sex with U.S. Representative Scott DesJarlais.

“We just want to make sure women have really thought this through, before they bump uglies with Scott,” said State House Speaker Beth Harwell. “They need to really think about the consequences, such as the deep, deep shame. Or, a possible unwanted pregnancy.”

Rep. DesJarlais, a physician in Jasper, Tenn., received criticism for having multiple affairs with his patients and has been called a hypocrite for maintaining a staunch pro-life stance although previously urging one of his mistresses to seek an abortion and supporting his ex-wife’s abortions before their 1995 marriage.

Women seeking to have sex with DesJarlais must now first visit a special clinic for in-person counseling with a doctor who will describe what to expect, so that they may make an informed decision about the risks of having sex with DesJarlais.

Physicians are also required to provide a list of public and private agencies to women that are available to assist them with counseling after having intercourse with DesJarlais.

State legislators propose 9-month waiting period for abortions


Pregnant woman (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source:
Pregnant woman (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source:
After the Tennessee Senate approved a bill that would require a 48-hour waiting period for women seeking abortions, some legislators proposed extending the length of the waiting period to nine months.

“We just want to make sure women have really, really thought this through before having an abortion,” said State Senator Geoff Fedherr. “Once, on a whim, I bought a pair of red leather pants, which turned out to be a mistake. If I had taken a day or two to really think about it, I could’ve avoided it.”

The 48-hour waiting period measure passed on Wednesday, although proposed amendments did not, including providing exceptions for victims of rape or incest or additionally requiring the woman to carry around an audio player that would play a child’s voice saying “I love you Mommy” on a continuous loop for the 48-hour period.

Pro-choice legislators suggested instead that the audio player should use the sound of an infant crying and screaming.

“Nine months is a totally arbitrary length of time,” said Fedherr. “We just felt like that was a long enough period of time to make a big decision.”