Health - Page 3

Local girlfriends release study linking semen consumption with cancer

Research lab (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source:
Research lab (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source:

The results of a scientific study were released today by a group of local girlfriends, in cooperation with the UT College of Medicine in Chattanooga, linking the consumption of semen with an increased risk of cancer.

The study’s results were published on the same day that a completely different study was published in the medical journal The Lancet, which concluded that the consumption of processed and red meat led to a greater risk of colon cancer.

“The bitter truth may be hard to swallow, but we have found sufficient evidence that semen can be a carcinogen when consumed,” said lead researcher Dr. Sylvie Wellyns. “It’s a sticky situation, to be sure.”

Local boyfriends disputed the outcome of the study, alleging that the research was flawed and that the results were inconclusive.

Wellyns announced that her research team would soon be able to report the results of two other studies which draw connections between contact with semen and skin cancer of the face, and between shaving a woman’s pubic region and hepatitis.

VW offers pumpkin-spice emissions system for rigged diesel cars


VW_pumpkinJust in time for the fall season, automaker Volkswagen announced today that it would offer a pumpkin-spice emissions system as a stopgap measure for its controversial diesel cars that were programmed to only use full emissions controls during official testing.

“Sure, these diesel cars may emit up to 40 times the acceptable limit of unhealthy pollutants, but now, you’ll also get a whiff of a delightful pumpkin spice fragrance,” said a Volkswagen spokesperson. “It’ll make you think of Mom’s pumpkin pie or taking a brisk walk through a forest with beautiful fall colors.”

VW halts “inflatable passenger” option for carpool lane users

Inflatable passenger (l), VW logo (r)
Inflatable passenger (l), VW logo (r)

Automaker Volkswagen has halted plans to offer an “inflatable passenger” option in new cars for carpool lane users after allegations emerged from the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) that the software running on 482,000 diesel cars – including the 2014 and 2015 Passat manufactured in Chattanooga – was essentially a “defeat device” for emissions testing.

The inflatable passenger option would allow the driver, when driving alone, to activate a freon canister to inflate a blow-up doll in the passenger seat and to avoid scrutiny when using the High Occupancy Vehicle lanes during weekday morning and afternoon commutes, which by law can only be used by vehicles with two or more occupants.

High Occupancy Vehicle lanes are designed to reduce congestion and encourage people to carpool in order to reduce the pollution caused by car emissions.

According to investigators, Volkswagen admitted that the defeat device was installed, which would recognize when an official emissions test was occurring and turn on full emissions controls only during that time.

Emissions testing has measurably improved the air quality in Hamilton County since 2004, when it did not meet the Federal Standard.

Volkswagen CEO Martin Winterkorn offered an apology for breaking the trust of their customers and added, “You win this round, Mother Nature. Just watch your back, granola queen.”

Weston Wamp rescued from hot, locked car


Weston Wamp
Weston Wamp
A local woman was hailed as a hero this afternoon after rescuing former Congressional candidate Weston Wamp from a locked car in 88-degree weather in the Hamilton Place Mall parking lot.

“I was on my way back to my car, and I saw him, just sitting there in the back seat of a car, completely drenched in sweat with a sad look on his face,” said Chattanooga resident Vanessa Ormundy.

Ormundy ran to her car and retrieved a tire iron, with which she shattered the passenger-side window before unlocking the door and pulling Wamp out of the car.

The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration has advised that it can take as few as 10 minutes for the temperature inside a car to jump around 20 degrees, even if the windows are open.

A small group of people applauded Ormundy after witnessing the rescue.

“I thought to myself, ‘If I don’t do something, this little guy is going to die,'” said Ormundy. “Anybody would have done the same thing.”

New law requires 48-hr. waiting period before having sex with Rep. DesJarlais


Rep. Scott DesJarlais (R-Tenn.)
Rep. Scott DesJarlais (R-Tenn.)
One day after Tennessee Governor Bill Haslam signed a bill requiring a 48-hour waiting period before a woman can obtain an abortion, state lawmakers passed a piece of legislation that requires women to wait 48 hours before having sex with U.S. Representative Scott DesJarlais.

“We just want to make sure women have really thought this through, before they bump uglies with Scott,” said State House Speaker Beth Harwell. “They need to really think about the consequences, such as the deep, deep shame. Or, a possible unwanted pregnancy.”

Rep. DesJarlais, a physician in Jasper, Tenn., received criticism for having multiple affairs with his patients and has been called a hypocrite for maintaining a staunch pro-life stance although previously urging one of his mistresses to seek an abortion and supporting his ex-wife’s abortions before their 1995 marriage.

Women seeking to have sex with DesJarlais must now first visit a special clinic for in-person counseling with a doctor who will describe what to expect, so that they may make an informed decision about the risks of having sex with DesJarlais.

Physicians are also required to provide a list of public and private agencies to women that are available to assist them with counseling after having intercourse with DesJarlais.

State legislators propose 9-month waiting period for abortions


Pregnant woman (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source:
Pregnant woman (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source:
After the Tennessee Senate approved a bill that would require a 48-hour waiting period for women seeking abortions, some legislators proposed extending the length of the waiting period to nine months.

“We just want to make sure women have really, really thought this through before having an abortion,” said State Senator Geoff Fedherr. “Once, on a whim, I bought a pair of red leather pants, which turned out to be a mistake. If I had taken a day or two to really think about it, I could’ve avoided it.”

The 48-hour waiting period measure passed on Wednesday, although proposed amendments did not, including providing exceptions for victims of rape or incest or additionally requiring the woman to carry around an audio player that would play a child’s voice saying “I love you Mommy” on a continuous loop for the 48-hour period.

Pro-choice legislators suggested instead that the audio player should use the sound of an infant crying and screaming.

“Nine months is a totally arbitrary length of time,” said Fedherr. “We just felt like that was a long enough period of time to make a big decision.”

State Sen. Gardenhire unveils new “Insure the Assholes” plan

TN State Senator Todd Gardenhire
TN State Senator Todd Gardenhire

After Governor Bill Haslam’s “Insure Tennessee” plan to provide coverage for approximately 280,000 uninsured Tennesseeans was voted down for a second time on Tuesday, State Senator Todd Gardenhire announced that he had drafted a bill called “Insure the Assholes” and is seeking bipartisan support.

Gardenhire received criticism from progressives for voting against “Insure Tennessee” twice, and after voting on Tuesday, when asked by an uninsured constituent if he would give up his publicly financed health insurance, Gardenhire called the man an “asshole.”

“I’m no fan of Obamacare, and I had more than a couple of concerns with ‘Insure Tennessee,'” said Gardenhire. “So, I got to work on a brand new plan to close the coverage gap for all those dickwads, cockfarmers and shitheads who don’t have insurance.”

“I call it ‘Insure the Assholes,'” said Gardenhire. “This shows that I really do care about all of those hundreds of thousands of uninsured goat-fuckers in Tennessee.”

Rossville to ban abortion, may also ban miscarriages and “pulling out”

Rossville City Hall
Rossville City Hall

After the city council of Rossville, GA unanimously gave preliminary approval earlier this week to an ordinance that bans abortion, it announced that it is considering expanding the language to ban any obstructions to the reproductive process, such as miscarriages and the “pulling out” method of birth control.

Although law experts have deemed the ordinance unconstitutional, violating the U.S. Supreme Court case ruling “Roe v. Wade” in 1973, Rossville officials anticipate the ordinance passing into law at the next council meeting on December 8.

With the proposed new scope of the ordinance, having a miscarriage–commonly referred to as a “spontaneous abortion” before the 1980s–would be illegal, with women expected to turn themselves in to authorities.

“We thought, ‘Why stop there?'” said councilman Jethro Grobbes. “Once the procreative wheels are in motion, there should be nothing in place to stop them.”

The new language of the ordinance would also ban the act of coitus interruptus, also known as the “withdrawal method” or colloquially as “pulling out,” which is withdrawing the penis during intercourse before ejaculation.

“Remember, in the Book of Genesis, God killed Onan after he ‘spilled his seed on the ground’ while nailing his brother’s widow, refusing to impregnate his sister-in-law,” said Grobbes. “Life is precious, y’all.”

TN Amendment 1.5 could prevent men from removing bowling balls from rectum for 9-month period

Bowling ball (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:
Bowling ball (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:

This election cycle, Tennessee voters will vote on Amendment 1.5 to the state Constitution, which could prevent men from removing bowling balls that have been lodged in their rectums for a 9-month period.

The proposed amendment would read:

“Nothing in this Constitution secures or protects a right for a man to remove a bowling ball from his rectum before a 9-month period has elapsed or requires the funding of such removal. The people retain the right through their elected state representatives and state senators to enact, amend, or repeal statutes regarding bowling-ball-from-rectum removal, including, but not limited to, circumstances resulting from voluntary or involuntary activities, such as severe bouncy bowling mishaps or fraternity hazing rituals.”

Public opinion has varied wildly on Amendment 1.5, sparking fiery debates and significant campaigning on both sides of the issue.

“If a man didn’t want a bowling ball in his rectum, well, he should have kept his legs shut,” said Chattanooga resident Eulas Kampfield. “I’m voting ‘Yes’ on Amendment 1.5.”

“No matter how careful you are when you’re bowling, statistically, some men are going to end up with bowling balls up their rectums,” said resident Jonas Clyftul. “And, you can’t expect bowling abstinence programs to work. It’s just human nature to want to bowl.”

“I am 18 years old and just starting college,” said UTC student Devon Tillsenn. “I am just not ready to have a bowling ball in my rectum for nine months. Maybe some day, but not now. I don’t think the government should have their hands in my rectum.”

Other constituents were confused about Amendment 1.5 and its implications.

“Amendment 1.5? I don’t know. Does this have to do with that woman who was trying to raise $800 to pay for a roadside bomb to be put in her uterus?” said resident Pat Cullems.