Health - Page 5

The Bystander extends TFP’s “The View” boycott: “We will never jack off to Jenny McCarthy again”

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Jenny McCarthy (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/dLjXF)
Jenny McCarthy (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/dLjXF)

Yesterday, the Chattanooga Times Free Press published an editorial asking readers to boycott the ABC network daytime television talk show The View after it recently announced it was adding co-host Jenny McCarthy—Playboy Playmate, television host and actress. McCarthy has been widely criticized for continuing to spread the myth that vaccinating children can lead to autism, a notion which has absolutely no scientific basis and was started because of a fraudulent 1998 study that used manipulated data by the since-defrocked researcher Andrew Wakefield.

We, the writers of The Chattanooga Bystander, are in complete agreement with the Chattanooga Times Free Press on this matter, and we are even taking the boycott one step further by pledging to never masturbate to any photo, video footage or likeness of Jenny McCarthy again.

Never again will we firmly grasp our junk and vigorously wank rhythmically to McCarthy’s October 1993 Playboy pictorial, with her long-flowing flaxen hair, ample and soft bosom and coy yet mischievous smile.

Never again will we squeeze one off in the office restroom stall during our lunch break while staring at a pic on our iPhone of McCarthy’s infamous Candie’s shoe advertisement, where she’s sitting on a toilet with her panties around her ankles.

No, no, we will never bring ourselves to climax copiously into an old tube sock while looking at the inviting blonde tuft of hair on the mound of Venus belonging to Jenny McCarthy, who has instilled an unmerited fear of vaccines into the minds of parents because of stubborn ignorance, perpetuating a myth that has been called “the most damaging medical hoax of the last 100 years.”

By extension, The Chattanooga Bystander will also refrain from jacking off to pictures of Barbara Walters and all other co-hosts on The View.

Rep. Scott DesJarlais pre-pays fines for future sex with patients

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Rep. Scott DesJarlais (R-Tenn.)
Rep. Scott DesJarlais (R-Tenn.)

Rep. Scott DesJarlais (R-Tenn.), who represents Tennessee’s 4th congressional district and also practices medicine in Jasper, Tenn., was fined $500 Thursday by the Tennessee Board of Medical Examiners for “unprofessional conduct,” citing sexual relationships he had with two of his patients in the year 2000.

Critics have deemed the fine to be a slap on the wrist, for DesJarlais’s acts which went against Tennessee law and could have resulted in suspension and revocation of his medical license.

The $500 fine—$250 for each of the two incidents—was levied to DesJarlais at the Nashville headquarters of the Tennessee Board of Medical Examiners, with the board members giving DesJarlais stern looks while wagging their fingers and saying, “Bad Scott. Bad Scott.”

“Hell, if I knew it would have been this easy, I would have nailed more of my patients,” said DesJarlais, who decided to pre-pay fines for similar planned offenses in the future. “The price is $250 a pop, right? $250 and all night I can shag her rotten?”

“What the hay, this round is on me,” said DesJarlais, as he pulled out his checkbook and waved his arm around. “Who do I make this out to?”

“All y’all doctors here, I’ve got you covered. Each of you can bang one of your patients,” said DesJarlais as he filled out a check. “Dr. Love is in the house!  Woop woop!”

Chattanooga Area Schools Winter Flu Outbreak Traced to Wal-Mart iPad Display

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Are you one of many parents looking for answers on why the flu outbreak was so bad this past winter? Look no further than the electronics department of the Hamilton Place Wal-Mart.

 

The Hamilton County Police Department and city scientists have traced the flu source to a Apple display that prominently features one of its flagship products, the iPad.

 

“There’s at least 300 to 400 little snot-nosed shits touching all over that thing” electronics department day shift associate Ken Michaels declared, “it’s like a canvas for these kids, if one were to use snot instead of finger paint.”

 

ipadThe 2012-2013 Flu season is on track to become one of the worst outbreaks in history. Many schools were forced to close their doors due to the sheer numbers of students, teachers, and bus drivers that had been diagnosed with the virus. Some school districts even had school buses that had previously transported flu-infected passengers incinerated.

“After many man hours and fine detective work, we have come to the conclusion that this iPad is the culprit of the influenza outbreak.” Detective Joe Rodreguz explained, while pointing to the iPad in question. “The only way can assure the fine people of Chattanooga that this doesn’t happen again is for all little snot-nosed shits to be fully sanitized when entering our stores, or for parents to quit dumping their kids off while shopping.”

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