Culture - Page 7

Confused Gov. Haslam blocks band Foreigner from state

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Gov. Bill Haslam (CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/bkNNrS)
Gov. Bill Haslam (CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/bkNNrS)

Several months after Governor Bill Haslam asked the federal government to stop sending Syrian refugees to Tennessee, he took measures today to block the rock band Foreigner from entering the state, before the group was scheduled to play Chattanooga’s Tivoli Theater.

“It’s a matter of security to be careful regarding who we take into our state,” said Haslam, who appeared to be confused about the situation. “This Foreigner is coming here from a long, long way from home.”

“I don’t want to be as cold as ice, but we must proceed with caution,” said Haslam. “We have to take action now, to prevent potential radical Islamists from entering the state.”

“It’s urgent,” said Haslam. “Urgent. Emergency.”

Downtown IMAX debuts $1.2 million LaserDisc player

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After a series of setbacks and being unable to find the proper composite cables and adapters, the Tennessee Aquarium finally unveiled its $1.2 million LaserDisc player to a group of confused onlookers. The change comes after a much needed upgrade to existing IMAX facilities and a recent yard sale LaserDisc lot score from a local yard sale.

Officials hope the cutting edge technology, which was originally from the 1980s and early 90s, will be a hit and draw a croud to the downtown IMAX location.

Some future titles for the new LaserDisc projection include: Vanilla Ice presents Penguins, Safarin’ with Kato Kaelin, and Hubble: Pixelated

“We plan to keep the old IMAX technology around to play short videos to audiences while we switch or flip discs every 30 minutes or so,” explained IMAX spokesmen Larry Sanderman.

“I could have sold them one from my parents attic for 5 bucks,” said onlooker Jerry Heed.

Chattacon presents seminar on writing Cleveland Police slash fiction

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Former Cleveland Police Chief Wes Snyder (l) / Spock (r)
Former Cleveland Police Chief Wes Snyder (l) / Spock (r)

The local genre fiction convention Chattacon, happening this weekend at the Chattanooga Choo Choo, will present a special seminar about the hot new writing trend: slash fiction involving the Cleveland Police Department, which has been criticized for several sex scandals in the last few years.

The seminar at Chattacon, which brings together fans of science fiction, fantasy and horror, is centered on “slash fiction,” which is unsanctioned fan-written fiction that presents romantic situations between members of the same sex, which originated in the late ’70s with “Kirk/Spock” stories in the Star Trek world.

“There’s no doubt about it. The Cleveland Police Department has had its share of horny bastards,” said Blake Brasson, a writer and co-presenter of the seminar, entitled “Pop Pop with the Po Po: Cleveland Police Slash Fiction.”

“Whether it’s Battlestar Galactica or steampunk or Harry Potter that floats your boat, we’ll give you some tips on injecting your favorite musclebound, defrocked Cleveland Police officers into your favorite fictional universe,” said Brasson.

“When news broke in 2013 that Police Chief Wes Snyder was carrying on an affair with his mistress in a storage unit lovenest, it captured our imaginations and made our hearts race,” said Brasson. “Now, here’s an idea: imagine Snyder having a passionate love affair with Chewbacca in an airlock on the Millennium Falcon, unbeknownst to Han Solo, who secretly has an intense crush on Snyder. Wouldn’t that be an interesting love triangle?”

East Ridge bucket list has one item: “Leave East Ridge”

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East Ridge, TN
East Ridge, TN
After a local blogger’s “Chattanooga Bucket List” received attention recently for spotlighting “must see/do” things, including “Brunch downtown” and “Track 29,” local residents put together a bucket list for East Ridge that ended up having just one item: “Leave East Ridge.”

“A bucket list is a list of things to do or see before you die, or ‘kick the bucket,'” said resident Conrad Rynann. “To the people of East Ridge: for heaven’s sake, leave this place before you die here.”

“Some people live their whole lives here and die within a mile from where they were born. Some are content to never travel outside the U.S., or even the region,” said Rynann. “Christ on a crutch, just get out there and see the world. It’s not all just strip malls and fast food places and people cooking meth and cheap hotels.”

Harrison Keely leaving Chattanooga to become Las Vegas Showgirl

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It’s a sad day for Chattanooga and quite possibly the country as Times Free Press internet spokesmen Harrison Keely has announced he is leaving the publication and city to become a Las Vegas morning Showgirl that you need to know for today.

Keely, who became synonymous of being the first damn thing you see when logging onto Facebook in the morning and believing Las Vegas is a west coast city, made headlines in recent years by being voted the sexiest Chattanoogan on the internet, sole TFP survivor after a massive house clearing, a victim of leaked topless photos, and a failed attempt as a new Subway spokesmen. Other things have happened as well (do a search).

As a new Las Vegas showgirl, Keely plans to incorporate his charming voice, personality, and soul patch into his act. The former Lee College graduate with a major in fancy singing/dancing, has always believed the life for him was on the Vegas strip.

“Ever since my Lee roommates and I downed about 2 to 3 Mountain Dews, stayed up past 8:30, and caught a showing of “Showgirls” on TNT, I knew Showgirl life was the life for me.” explained Keely.

A replacement for the Times Free Press morning anchor has not been announced at this time. Possible candidates include Basil Marceaux dot com and Stratton Tingle’s dreadlocks. 

On behalf of the Chattanooga Bystander, we wish Harrison Keely good luck and thanks for taking all our shit.

Mayor Berke advises citizens to put bread and milk on tires

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After a wave of icy rain and sleet wreaked havoc over the Tennessee valley this morning causing wrecks and collisions on many road ways, Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke issued a statement advising residents to coat the tires of their vehicles in bread and milk.

“While stores around the area have been selling bread and milk like milky bread hot cakes, I see no reason why these items can’t be applied to the tires of vehicles,” explained Berke. “Bread and milk will help gain traction to tires on icy roads while people check their phones for the latest in school and business closings while driving.”

Soddy-Daisy Militia seize Coolidge Park Restrooms

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In an effort to protest the somewhat recent removal of the Delta Queen boat and hotel, an anti-government group from Soddy-Daisy has occupied the restrooms in Chattanooga’s Coolidge Park. The movement comes some days after a militia group took control of an Oregon National Wildlife refuge.

militiaThe militia from Soddy-Daisy has been known to follow the teachings of local resident Basil Marceaux, as well as post repetitive memes on local news organization’s Facebook pages.

“We demand the government big wigs return the Delta Queen to it’s rightful place on the shores of Coolidge Park”, exclaimed Militia leader Alvin Bondy. “We’ve got the poopin’ removal part covered, but we are asking for supporters to bring us some more TP and snacks from Clumpies.”

Lee University recognized as hotbed for National Karaoke Winners

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Lee University, the college located in Cleveland, Tennessee, has made news again for producing another nationally recognized prize winning karaoke singing boy. Jordan Smith, who previously was apart of the famous “Lee Karaoke Singers”, defeated a number of other Karaoke hot shits to win top prize of $100,000 and a brand new Karaoke machine with 6″ LCD screen.

“Ever since I laid eyes on him, I knew he was going places,” said Cleveland area bowling alley Karaoke leeorganizer Jeffrey Bradson. “He used to amaze us with a glorious heart-felt rendition of “Carry of My Wayward Son.”

Lee University has announced plans to offer more karaoke based course offerings. Partnerships were formed with Sing it or Wing it and Buds Sports Bar to scout more talent for classes.

Strippers, Pawn Shop owners preparing for ROSSVILLEBLVDx24

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Business owners and stripping professionals have been preparing for the yearly ROSSVILLEBLVDx24, a celebration of local businesses and activities located on Rossville Boulevard. Not to be confused with the competing MAINx24, ROSSVILLEBLVDx24 offers a complete greasy family friendly experience, according to Pawn Shop owner Cloudus White.

rossville“ROSSVILLEBLVDx24 shows the fun side of Rossville Boulevard that families never get to truly experience,” explained White. “Parents can bring their children to touch an acne covered ass or make a down payment on a used power drill.”

Food and watered down liquor will be served from a number of boarded up restaurants. Matinee showings of classic adult flicks will be shown at the adult theater, along with a cakewalk and corn hole.

Syrian refugees refuse Chattanooga due to Noodles and Co. closure

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After news that thousands of Syrian refugees would be making their way to the United States, much to the chagrin of many southern residents, a representative of the Syrian refugee placement department announced plans have been scraped to settle many folks in Chattanooga. All due to the recent closure of the local Noodles and Co restaurant.

IMG_8482Many hoped local attractions, such as the aquarium, incline, and endless gang violence would bring the displaced human beings to the city.

“Escaping our war torn country is possibly the greatest thing that has happened to my family and me” explained Syrian refugee Victor Sayid. “Too bad Chattanooga has become a shit hole where I cannot score some delicious noodles.”

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