Traffic jam in snow (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:

City Council bans snow

Traffic jam in snow (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:
Traffic jam in snow (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:

Tuesday’s unexpected snowfall disrupted Chattanooga with a mere two inches of snow, prompting early school and business closings and causing widespread traffic jams, and facing widespread discontent regarding how the crisis was handled, the City Council of Chattanooga held an emergency meeting yesterday evening to draft an ordinance to ban any future snow, which passed by unanimous vote.

In a written statement, the City Council said, “Tuesday’s massive Snowpocalypse clusterf-ck could have been avoided, and it’s important to be proactive, not reactive, and tackle difficult problems at the source.”

“That’s why we have decreed that snow is no longer welcome in Chattanooga, and there will be stiff penalties for any violators,” said the City Council. “We’ve got our eyes on you, snow, and don’t think that you’re off the hook just yet, sleet and hail.”

“Mother Nature can go suck a lemon,” said the City Council.

Mother Nature was not available for comment.

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.

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