Amazon, Chattanooga State to make city hub of expertise for “Walking Around and Picking Up Stuff”

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Amazon logo
Amazon logo

Following the success of the two Amazon Distribution Centers established in 2011 in Chattanooga and Cleveland, Tenn., which employ over two-thousand workers, Chattanooga State Community College has announced a new two-year degree, developed with the cooperation of Amazon, in order to keep up with the demand for specially skilled employees in the area.

Chattanooga State Provost Dr. Annise J. Zaffre explained at a press conference yesterday afternoon that the two-year degree, Associate of Walking Around and Picking Up Stuff (AWAPUS), features an intense, accelerated curriculum.

The first-year coursework concentrates on the finer points of the core competency of walking around, drawing from both the Stuttgart school of thought on the subject, and the opposing methods outlined by Danish walking expert Morten Sørensen-Rasmussen in his controversial 1980 treatise Kunsten at Gå: Et Skridt Fører til en Anden.

The second-year coursework expands upon the techniques and philosophies explored in the student’s first year, adding the proficiency of picking up stuff with weekly lab sessions, allowing students to practice their picking-up skills in a controlled laboratory environment before attempting them in a real industrial setting.

“Silicon Valley is known for its billion-dollar high-tech businesses. Dalton, Georgia is known for its vast carpeting expertise,” said Zaffre. “We hope, a few years from now, when people think about walking around and picking up stuff, they’ll think of Chattanooga.”

Students interested in registering for the degree program may visit the Chattanooga State campus and pick up a course catalog, featuring a stock photograph of a smiling female wearing business casual attire on its cover.

PSY to Headline 2013 Riverbend Music Festival

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In a press release by Friends of the Festival spokesman Terry Sphinx, Internet music sensation PSY is set to headline the 31st annual Riverbend Music Festival.

PSY came into the public eye in mid 2012 on the Internet with his hit song “Gangnam Style”‘, which is apparently about rich people and their horses or something. It has since become the highest viewed video in the history of YouTube.

psy
We spoke to Mr. Sphinx about obtaining PSY to headline the award winning festival.

“It was quite funny actually” Sphinx laughed, “the rest of the FOF guys and I were in an intense brainstorming session on who we should book for the ‘Bend 013. Someone had suggested “the chick who does the Friday song”. I said no way man, lets take it up to the next level, and up a million more YouTube views. All it took was an email and a fax and he was in.”

Riverbend funnel cake vendor Todd Stewman was elastic about the news of PSY. “I love that guy and his silly horse dance!” Stewman said. “Hopefully, he’s still revelant come Riverbend.”

“We can only pray that we has more songs than the smash hit Gangnam Style” said Sphinx,”or hopefully he can stretch it out for about an hour and a half.

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