Pat Benatar forms union for Chattanooga Volkswagen auto workers

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Pat Benatar and Volkswagen auto workers
Pat Benatar and Volkswagen auto workers

All eyes are on automaker Volkswagen’s Chattanooga plant after the company announced that it is talking with United Auto Workers (UAW) about the idea of a German-style works council, rather than a more traditional American labor union.

Tennessee is one of twenty-four right-to-work states in the U.S.A., and the National Right to Work Legal Defense Foundation has entered the ring, offering free legal advice to Volkswagen workers in case they are pressured to join the UAW.

In the meantime, 80s pop singer Pat Benatar took quick action and brought solidarity to Volkswagen’s auto workers by forming a union here in Chattanooga, which was announced at a press conference earlier today.

“We are strong,” Benatar said at a ceremony in front of Volkswagen’s Chattanooga plant, to a crowd of reporters and Volkswagen employees.

Benatar, a featured act at the 2005 Riverbend Festival, then said, “No one can tell us we’re wrong.”

When asked about wage negotiations and performance-based bonuses, Benatar simply replied, “No promises, no demands.”

Benatar then stepped away from the podium and led the plant’s 3,500 auto workers in a dance, with all shaking their shoulders from side to side vigorously as they walked away.

“Whoa-oo-whoa-oo-whoa-oo-whoa-oo-whoa-oo-whoa-oo-whoa-oo-whoa-oo-waaaaah,” concluded Benatar.

Chattanooga Area Schools Winter Flu Outbreak Traced to Wal-Mart iPad Display

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Are you one of many parents looking for answers on why the flu outbreak was so bad this past winter? Look no further than the electronics department of the Hamilton Place Wal-Mart.

 

The Hamilton County Police Department and city scientists have traced the flu source to a Apple display that prominently features one of its flagship products, the iPad.

 

“There’s at least 300 to 400 little snot-nosed shits touching all over that thing” electronics department day shift associate Ken Michaels declared, “it’s like a canvas for these kids, if one were to use snot instead of finger paint.”

 

ipadThe 2012-2013 Flu season is on track to become one of the worst outbreaks in history. Many schools were forced to close their doors due to the sheer numbers of students, teachers, and bus drivers that had been diagnosed with the virus. Some school districts even had school buses that had previously transported flu-infected passengers incinerated.

“After many man hours and fine detective work, we have come to the conclusion that this iPad is the culprit of the influenza outbreak.” Detective Joe Rodreguz explained, while pointing to the iPad in question. “The only way can assure the fine people of Chattanooga that this doesn’t happen again is for all little snot-nosed shits to be fully sanitized when entering our stores, or for parents to quit dumping their kids off while shopping.”

D-Dawg’s Guide to Chattown: Chili’s

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When hitting up the hottest Chattanooga nightspots, ya gotta go where shit is the tightest. My name is Desmond “D-Dawg” Cooper, and I’m a UTC frat guy and “go-to” brah when suggesting the best places to hit up after hours in the down-t. I’ve found one of the best places to truly capture the atmosphere of the C-town is the Chili’s on Market Street.

Chili’s is located within reasonable drunken stumbling distance of the frat house, which makes it a great place to get your drink on, while saving dad’s money rather than catchin’ a cab. It sits in a prime location that is adjacent to another local favorite, the Applebee’s, and the Hairy Dog.

Upon entry, you’re greeter by either some hawt babe with big ol T’s, or some skinny brah that I could easily beat up. I mean this guy is a pipsqueek and probably isn’t even man enough to pledge. One-on-one with me on the beer pong and this dude would go crying back to his mamma.

The best time to visit Chili’s is during game time. The Bud-L and Miller-L is usually damn cheap, and you can get torn up in no time. With so many flat tv’s up in this bitch, you will never miss a play when it is game time. The mild wings are definitely a fav for my frat bros and I. If you’re looking to make the evening more enjoyable, shots can be obtained on the cheap. Obtaining said shots from a hot bar tender makes the experience even better.

chili-s-bar-and-grill

 

Photo courtesy of tripadvisor.com

I believe the Chili’s has the best of what Chattanooga has to offer: local flare, beer, shots, wings, and sports. If you and your bros ever decide to hit up the Chattown Chili’s, let em that D-Dawg sent you.

Upcoming Lake Winnepesaukah water park to feature adults-only island, The Wet Spot

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Lake Winnepesaukah (Used under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic License. Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/milst1/5935526489/)
Lake Winnepesaukah
(Used under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic License. Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/milst1/5935526489/)

At a news conference, Lake Winnepesaukah Amusement Park in Rossville, GA announced a new expansion project, which will build upon the planned water park called “SoakYa” scheduled to be open for the Summer 2013 season.

While SoakYa, which derives its name from the last two syllables of “Winnepesaukah,” is intended to be an all-ages, family-oriented water park, the addition will only be open to persons aged 18 and older and will be located on an island on the outskirts of SoakYa.

The island, to be called The Wet Spot, will be clothing-optional and feature adult-oriented rides and entertainment for adults only.

Lake Winnepesaukah spokesperson Donny Kreymer said, “Amsterdam doesn’t have a thing on us!  The Wet Spot will feature bars, swinger clubs and erotic food stands.  Adults of all ages will be sure to get a thrill on rides such as Willie the One-Eyed Wonder Worm, Over Bukkake Falls in a Barrel and Sybian: The Ride. Prepare to get soaked!”

“There are watersports, and then, there are watersports, if you know what I mean,” said Kreymer with a wink.  “Urine therapy is not only fun, it’s good for you, too.  Reportedly, Gandhi would slash into his own mouth every morning.  Remember: you can’t say ‘Winnepesaukah’ without saying ‘pee soak ya.'”

Kreymer continued, “If you want a break from all the anonymous, consequence-free hookups and genital-busting rides, you can enjoy an erotic cake at Punani Annie’s – be sure to ask for some Annie Sprinkles on that cupcake!  Or, sample some fine north Georgia wines in our wine tasting room, ‘Spit or Swallow.'”

“At The Wet Spot, you’ll feel like a kid in a candy store.  And by ‘kid’ I mean ‘consenting adult,’ and by ‘candy store’ I mean ‘fuck wonderland,'” said Kreymer.

Sofa King Juicy Burger inspires other edgy restaurants

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Sofa King Juicy Burger logo
Sofa King Juicy Burger logo
The new restaurant Sofa King Juicy Burger in Red Bank, which officially opened its doors on March 12, has already garnered national attention from media outlets such as the Huffington Post for its name which contains a hidden expletive. Seemingly inspired by this idea, other Chattanooga restauranteurs have announced upcoming eateries that also feature edgy, memorable names.
  • Crêpe Fantasy Crêperie – In a television commercial for the Frazier Avenue crêperie called Crêpe Fantasy, a perky waitress asks a customer, “Are you ready to be crêped in the mouth?  You just look like you’re asking for it!” as she brings him a plate full of strawberry-covered crêpes, dusted with powdered sugar.  Rubbing his palms together in anticipation, the customer enthusiastically says, “Crêpe me!”  Crêpe Fantasy will offer a variety of both sweet and savory crêpes, including its own house specialty which features a special filling made from imported Bejjou and Gousbi dates, called the “Date Crêpe.”
  • Special Kneads Bakery – With a staff entirely composed of people with developmental and physical disabilities and disorders such as Tourette Syndrome, this Bluff View Art District bakery and coffee shop will offer artisanal bread, pastries and fresh-roasted coffee with colorful names such as “Shortbus Shortbread,” “Pineapple Upside-Down Syndrome Cake” and “Schwarzwälder Kirschtorte FICK! FICK! FICK! FICK!”
  • Burritos So Good You’ll Literally Shit Yourself – Vincent Sackster, founder and owner of Burritos So Good You’ll Literally Shit Yourself, is quick to point out that the Mexican food prepared at his restaurant uses freshly prepared ingredients (locally grown, whenever possible) but does not actually contain any laxatives.  “When people bite into my burritos, they will be so overwhelmed by the vibrant scents and flavors that they might possibly lose all control of their bodily functions,” commented Sackster.  The Main Street restaurant’s appearance is unique, with individual seats that resemble commodes and rolls of paper napkins mounted on the wall, as if they were toilet tissue.

Mystery man Don Bigfield chides Mayor-Elect Andy Berke at public forum

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Outgoing Mayor Ron Littlefield, who was not in attendance at the public forum
Outgoing Mayor Ron Littlefield, who was not in attendance at the public forum

At a public forum hosted by Mayor-Elect and former 10th District State Senator Andy Berke regarding issues including economic development, public safety and education, a mysterious man by the name of Don Bigfield spouted harsh criticism for Berke, well before Berke’s inauguration date of April 15.

Five minutes into the forum, Bigfield, who wore a wig with long, black dreadlocks and over-sized Harry Potter-style glasses, blurted out, “So far, I haven’t heard one word about property taxes and storm water fees. How are you going to ensure that they aren’t too low?”

Holding a fingerstache to his upper lip, Bigfield loudly asked, “Why have you not developed a plan to establish an official Ron Littlefield Day yet?” referring to Chattanooga’s current mayor, who was not in attendance.

“Now there’s a good man,” Bigfield continued. “He sent me a Christmas card.”

After commenting that Chattanooga’s top priority is establishing a centralized resource center for homeless people, Bigfield pointed at Berke and said, with spittle flying from his lips, “You better get your act together, or people will try to recall you.”

Bigfield then pulled his cape over his face, threw a smoke bomb onto the ground, and disappeared.

Amazon, Chattanooga State to make city hub of expertise for “Walking Around and Picking Up Stuff”

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Amazon logo
Amazon logo

Following the success of the two Amazon Distribution Centers established in 2011 in Chattanooga and Cleveland, Tenn., which employ over two-thousand workers, Chattanooga State Community College has announced a new two-year degree, developed with the cooperation of Amazon, in order to keep up with the demand for specially skilled employees in the area.

Chattanooga State Provost Dr. Annise J. Zaffre explained at a press conference yesterday afternoon that the two-year degree, Associate of Walking Around and Picking Up Stuff (AWAPUS), features an intense, accelerated curriculum.

The first-year coursework concentrates on the finer points of the core competency of walking around, drawing from both the Stuttgart school of thought on the subject, and the opposing methods outlined by Danish walking expert Morten Sørensen-Rasmussen in his controversial 1980 treatise Kunsten at Gå: Et Skridt Fører til en Anden.

The second-year coursework expands upon the techniques and philosophies explored in the student’s first year, adding the proficiency of picking up stuff with weekly lab sessions, allowing students to practice their picking-up skills in a controlled laboratory environment before attempting them in a real industrial setting.

“Silicon Valley is known for its billion-dollar high-tech businesses. Dalton, Georgia is known for its vast carpeting expertise,” said Zaffre. “We hope, a few years from now, when people think about walking around and picking up stuff, they’ll think of Chattanooga.”

Students interested in registering for the degree program may visit the Chattanooga State campus and pick up a course catalog, featuring a stock photograph of a smiling female wearing business casual attire on its cover.

PSY to Headline 2013 Riverbend Music Festival

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In a press release by Friends of the Festival spokesman Terry Sphinx, Internet music sensation PSY is set to headline the 31st annual Riverbend Music Festival.

PSY came into the public eye in mid 2012 on the Internet with his hit song “Gangnam Style”‘, which is apparently about rich people and their horses or something. It has since become the highest viewed video in the history of YouTube.

psy
We spoke to Mr. Sphinx about obtaining PSY to headline the award winning festival.

“It was quite funny actually” Sphinx laughed, “the rest of the FOF guys and I were in an intense brainstorming session on who we should book for the ‘Bend 013. Someone had suggested “the chick who does the Friday song”. I said no way man, lets take it up to the next level, and up a million more YouTube views. All it took was an email and a fax and he was in.”

Riverbend funnel cake vendor Todd Stewman was elastic about the news of PSY. “I love that guy and his silly horse dance!” Stewman said. “Hopefully, he’s still revelant come Riverbend.”

“We can only pray that we has more songs than the smash hit Gangnam Style” said Sphinx,”or hopefully he can stretch it out for about an hour and a half.

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