Riverbend attendees urged to pretend they’re at Bonnaroo, not shower to conserve water

After Tennessee American Water asked customers east of Missionary Ridge to curb water usage, due to major repair work on a broken valve, Riverbend attendees were urged to pretend they’re at Bonnaroo by not showering.

“Some consider Riverbend to be the cheaper, county-fair-style alternative to the more renowned Bonnaroo,” said resident Damon Jesbedder. “But tonight, Riverbend audiences can use their imagination and pretend they’re at Bonnaroo, among thousands of filthy neo-hippies, simply by not washing themselves.”

“If you inhale enough body odor fumes, then George Thorogood starts to look like Bono,” said Jesbedder.

Francis Porkloin
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Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.