The Westside Shop

City eliminates all crime by closing one convenience store

In one astounding move, the City of Chattanooga eliminated all crime, including gang activity and drug deals, by closing down a single convenience store: the Westside Shop.

“Why didn’t we think of this earlier?” said a representative from the Hamilton County District Attorney’s office. “Who would’ve thought it would be this easy?”

“Curses! After the closing of the Westside Shop, we have no choice but to give up our lives of crime and become honest, law-abiding citizens,” said one gang member who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “It’s not like we can just walk one block down the street and carry on our illegal activities there.”

The petition from the Hamilton County District Attorney mentioned that over a 27-month period, Chattanooga Police officers were called to the store’s area over 200 times for suspicious activity, fights, robberies, drug-related activity and other offenses.

Critics of the closure claimed that it was unfair to the business owners and that the closure would punish low-income families by reducing access to groceries, but they were silenced after hearing about the immediate and total elimination of crime in the entire city.

“We want to take our revolutionary crime-fighting idea of closing down businesses beyond Chattanooga,” said a city representative. “Did you know that 100% of bank robberies take place at banks? If you just close down all the banks, then you will completely eliminate bank robberies.”

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.

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