Politics - Page 4

Ala. lawmakers declare life begins when stork kisses bee in cabbage patch

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Alabama state legislators passed a controversial bill today declaring that human life begins when a stork kisses a bee in a cabbage patch.

“According to our best male scientists, who have a deep understanding of the human reproductive system, a baby is created when a man and a woman love each other very much, and they hold hands,” said state legislator Bud Holleren. “Watching from Heaven, Jesus sees this and sends a stork down to earth, where it kisses a honeybee in a cabbage patch, and wham, you’ve got yourself a baby – a precious little sugar dumpling.”

“Human life begins right at that moment, in the cabbage patch,” said Holleren. “Someone told me you can make a baby by carving a hole into a head of cabbage and then sticking your wang-dang-doodle in the hole, but I tried it, and although it was fun, it didn’t work.”

Police recommend putting nacho cheese in pockets to thwart pickpockets

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After video footage was released of a pickpocket stealing a woman’s phone at a convenience store, Chattanooga Police recommended that people put nacho cheese in their pockets to discourage theft.

“Don’t be a victim, especially to some douchebag thief who dresses like Silent Bob’s friend Jay,” said officer Terry Maptrost. “The best way to thwart would-be pickpockets is to fill your pockets with nacho cheese.”

Maptrost advised that any liquid cheese would do the job and said that using slices of American cheese was not recommended.

“You’ll also want to avoid hard cheeses, like Pecorino, cheddar or Gouda,” said Maptrost. “Ladies, just squirt a few pumps of nacho cheese into your purse, and you’re good to go.”

“Imagine the look on some jerkwad’s face when he withdraws his hand from your pocket, not holding a wallet, but covered with warm, gooey nacho cheese,” said Maptrost. “Busted! This is na-cho lucky day, sucka.”

Fleischmann changes stance on border wall after listening to Pink Floyd’s “The Wall”

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Congressman Chuck Fleischmann withdrew his support for the proposed Mexican border wall after listening to the concept album “The Wall” created by the British rock band Pink Floyd.

The change occurred while Rep. Fleischmann and Tennessee Governor Bill Lee were roadtripping from Washington, D.C. back to Tennessee, after Lee was Fleischmann’s guest at last night’s State of the Union Address from President Trump.

“Bill and I wanted to get some quality bro-time in, so we decided to roadtrip back together,” said Fleischmann. “Bill grabbed a stack of tapes, a few bags of Takis and a 6-pack of Faygo, and we were good to go.”

“After a Creedence tape, we got to Pink Floyd’s ‘The Wall,’ which I had never heard before,” said Fleischmann. “Man, that album blew my mind.”

“It got me thinking: is this proposed Mexican border wall really for protection, or is it merely the reflection of our troubled psyche, bearing scars of humiliating childhood traumas, betrayal and relationship turmoil?” said Fleischmann. “Maybe the combination of Takis and Faygo had something to do with it, but listening to that album made me realize that each of us is building a wall, right inside our soul.”

Fleischmann announced plans to have another spiritual quest, involving eating large amounts of spicy corn chips and listening to Pink Floyd’s “Money,” in order to help develop a new economic policy.

City bans IPAs to address racial displacement issue

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After Chattanooga Organized for Action (COA) released a report about racial displacement in and around the downtown area, the city passed an ordinance to temporarily ban craft beers of the India Pale Ale (IPA) variety.

In the last year alone, local craft breweries introduced over 300 new IPA varieties, and social scientists commonly use the number of local IPAs as a metric when determining the level of gentrification that has occurred in a specific area.

“It’s a complicated issue, but you can’t argue with statistics,” said local sociologist Cris Tutweill. “Affluent, educated people can’t get enough of those hoppy Pine-Sol bong-water brews.”

COA’s report pointed out that one of the largest declines in African-American homeownership in the country happened in Chattanooga between 2005 and 2015, and neighborhoods that saw an influx of over 5,000 white residents simultaneously lost over 2,500 African-Americans.

“This seems like a drastic measure, but surveys have shown that 85% of craft beer drinkers are white, and by golly, we’ve got to try something,” said Tutweill. “If this doesn’t work, maybe we can ban saisons.”

Trump rally extended for one hour while he tries to pronounce Thongnopnua

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A representative from the Trump caravan announced tonight’s rally will be extended one hour after the president saw a “Joda Thongnopnua for House District 30” sign during his flight to the area. As with words like “anonymous,” the president will need more time to try and pronounce the district 30 candidate’s name.

“Is it thongnooga, tongchuga, tubthumping, thangruba, we have to find out what the hell is going on,” questioned Trump, as he downed a whole bucket of KFC while passing over the scenic city.

Experts believe Trump will give Thongnopuna one of his signature nicknames. A source close to the president thinks we might be hearing about “Juicy Joda” this evening.

 

Trump to kick off “Shutdown Week” with bankruptcy seminar

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The White House announced that President Trump will kick off “Shutdown Week” with a bankruptcy seminar, as part of his Sunday visit to Chattanooga.

Trump has received criticism for having gone through four bankruptcies involving various hotels, casinos and resorts, and although claimed to be a self-made billionaire, Trump received hundreds of millions of dollars from his father’s real estate empire and engaged in dubious tax schemes and fraud according to the New York Times.

Local shutdown agency and decomposition chamber CO.LON will present the seminar to kick off “Shutdown Week,” which comes one week after the annual “Startup Week” series of events.

“Nobody knows bankruptcies better than me,” said Trump. “On a scale from one to ten, I’m an 11 when it comes to Chapter 11.”

Project to turn Highway 27 into parking lot almost complete

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After years of construction work and millions of dollars, officials announced that the project to turn the downtown Chattanooga section of U.S. Route 27 into a parking lot is almost complete.

“Many people have complained about the lack of parking downtown, so this is a win-win situation,” said Kelly Sothton, a representative for the project.

“Previously, we had a massive construction project to move the traffic bottleneck from the Signal Mountain Road exit up to the Olgiati Bridge,” said Sothton. “In a brilliant move, we retained the congestion but just moved it to a different place.”

“However, traffic was still moving, although slowly,” said Sothton. “We told ourselves, ‘We can do better than this. We can make traffic come to a complete stop.'”

New Miller Park praised for pavement, lack of shade

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Chattanooga residents raved with delight about the newly redesigned Miller Park, which officially opened today, citing features including its white-brick pavement and lack of shade from the sun.

“There isn’t as much tree coverage as before, but you know what? Screw trees,” said resident Kelly Altmink. “And people who want to sit in the shade on a hot, sunny day like today are just pussies.”

“When I think of the word ‘park’ this is exactly the picture that pops into my mind: a big, flat area of grass surrounded by pavement and a covered stage and some rampy stone thingies,” said Altmink.

“The beauty of the new Miller Park is just exquisite,” said Altmink while slowly nodding his head. “Exquisite.”

Blackburn, Bredesen agree to debate about soccer team names

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After plans had fizzled out regarding a possible October 1 debate in Chattanooga, U.S. Senate race candidates Marsha Blackburn and Phil Bredesen finally agreed to an impromptu Chattanooga debate yesterday as long as the topic was limited to selecting a name for the new Chattanooga Pro Soccer team.

“Dear God, can we all agree that all of these names are pretty horrible?” said Blackburn. “I mean, Express? Generals? Ironhorses? Red Wolves? Sporting Chattanooga? Are you fucking kidding me?”

“This is the one and only topic in which we are in total agreement,” said Bredesen. “The shit is weak.”

“Why should the public vote on this? This is democracy at its worst,” said Blackburn, with Bredesen nodding his head.

“It’s like a kick in the balls, pun intended,” said Bredesen.

Online voting on the Chattanooga Pro Soccer website ends today.

Rep. Diane Black blames porn for defeat

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After underdog and outsider Bill Lee won the Republican gubernatorial primary election yesterday, in a highly competitive race with several contenders, Representative Diane Black blamed her loss on pornography.

Black had attracted criticism in May after remarking that pornography was a root cause of school shootings.

In a stunning upset, Black came in third in the primary election, despite leading in most polls until Bill Lee’s recent surge, having the endorsement of Vice President Mike Pence, and spending millions of dollars of her own money.

It was not clear if Black’s criticism of pornography was regarding its depiction of fornication, or regarding the decline in quality since the “Golden Age of Porn” in the ’70s.

Sources say that after conceding defeat, Black dropped an ice cream cone she was eating and blamed it on porn.

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