While rampant speculation remains about whether or not developer John Wise intends to facilitate the move of the Pilgrim’s Pride chicken plant from downtown to property he purchased in Dade County, Georgia, it was announced today that four new chicken plants would open in downtown Chattanooga to meet the high demand for chicken sandwiches.
“People are going batshit crazy over Popeye’s new chicken sandwiches, which became an instant sensation and have quickly sold out,” said Manny Brurchil, a local chicken industry expert. “They’re so popular, people are auctioning them off on eBay, and one Chattanooga man is suing Popeye’s because they ran out before he could get one.”
“We might be heading toward a recession, so business investors are looking at industries that are recession-proof,” said Brurchil. “If people are unemployed, they still want to drink beer, maybe even more than they used to because they’re sad and have spare time.”
“The same goes for fried chicken sandwiches. Sad people don’t reach for healthy salads,” said Brurchil. “Building more chicken processing plants, right in the middle of downtown, is smart money.”
“Lots of people complain about the smell of chicken plants, but it’s not the stench of failure,” said Brurchil. “It’s the stench of success.”
“That, my friends, is the smell of money,” said Brurchil. “And putrid chicken shit.”