Business - Page 13

GIGTANK 2013: “That’s What She Said” app to revolutionize texting

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"That's What She Said" app screenshot
“That’s What She Said” app screenshot

GIGTANK’s “Demo Day” on August 6 brings together in “Gig City” Chattanooga some of America’s brightest, perkiest and most promising entrepreneurs, who will pitch their technologies to a panel of experts. Who will emerge from the GIGTANK victorious and who will get tanked? The Chattanooga Bystander profiles the startups and their ground-breaking, innovative ideas.

“It is safe to say that the ‘That’s What She Said’ mobile app will dramatically change the way we communicate,” said TWSS Technologies founder Cynthia Kerautty to the expert panel.

“That’s what she said,” said TWSS Technologies software developer Sylvester Chundler while pointing to Kerautty, eliciting laughter from the entire room.

“Studies have shown that if you reply to any statement with ‘That’s what she said,’ then 29% of the time, it will be funny,” explained Kerautty. “Statistically speaking, those are good odds, which we wanted to exploit with our new app that will surely revolutionize texting.”

“After you install our app, whenever you receive an incoming text message, the app will automatically and indiscriminately reply back with the text ‘That’s what she said,'” said Kerautty. “Sometimes, it won’t make any sense, but when it works, put on your earmuffs because big laughs are coming.”

Regarding the future of the app, Chundler explained that his team of developers has been working diligently on the next version of the app that will respond to incoming text messages with the phrase ‘Don’t go there.'”

GIGTANK 2013: Turn your website into a $328,000 CHATASITE

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GIGTANK’s “Demo Day” on August 6 brings together in “Gig City” Chattanooga some of America’s brightest, perkiest and most promising entrepreneurs, who will pitch their technologies to a panel of experts. Who will emerge from the GIGTANK victorious and who will get tanked? The Chattanooga Bystander profiles the startups and their ground-breaking, innovative ideas.

chatasite

“Are you one of the thousands of people who are looking to spruce up your website into a Chattanooga government approved web orgasm,” asked CHATASITE CEO Derek Peters, to a panel of GIGTANK 2013 judges. “Well look no further than our new startup entitled: CHATASITE!”

CHATASITE is a local startup that uses the same technology and logic behind the controversial Chattanooga.gov $328,000 makeover several years ago. Customers can input the URL of their existing website via a web form, pay the measly $328,000 and receive a custom makeover within 6 to 8 months.

“CHATASITE has the amazing ability to take all text, even those included in pictures, and convert them to Chattanooga’s own Chatype font,” explained Peters, to a roar of applause from the audience. “We even have the spectacular technology to include moving background images and links to the client’s Facebook and Twitter accounts!”

“What CHATASITE has to offer is really astonishing,” said GIGTANK attendee and GPS student McKinsey Adams. “My parents have the 328 grand, and I have the Twilight fan page that is right up its alley.”

TFP fires entire staff except Harrison Keely

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Harrison Keely
Harrison Keely

In a written statement, the management of the Chattanooga Times Free Press announced that after carefully reviewing its numerous policies, it has terminated the employment of its entire staff with the exception of Harrison Keely, who is left to carry the workload of his departed co-workers.

The firing of Free Press editor Drew Johnson over the modification of a headline for an editorial about President Barack Obama’s employment plan led the paper’s management to scour the 1,692 pages of its policies, including its ethics policy, and it managed to find every single writer, editor, contributor and supporting staff member in violation of at least one policy, except for Harrison Keely.

“We were troubled to learn that Arts and Entertainment writer Casey Phillips received a free promotional CD from a musical group about which he wrote, yet, although it has been four weeks, he has still not donated that CD to charity,” said the statement. “We gave him the boot. Mighty Casey has struck out.”

“It came to our attention that reporter Joan Garrett accepted a piece of chewing gum from a local organization while covering a story, without providing the proper monetary reimbursement,” said the statement. “That is nothing short of bribery and a flagrant violation of our ethics policy.”

“Now Harrison Keely,” said the statement. “We couldn’t find any dirt on Harrison. We questioned his soul patch, but there’s nothing in the rulebook that says that soul patches aren’t allowed. He is as pure as the driven snow and just the sweetest little angel.”

Keely will continue to handle social media for the Times Free Press and create the daily “Top 5 things to know in the Chattanooga area today” videos, and in addition to those duties, he will perform all reporting, writing, editing and content creation for the paper, including taking over Clay Bennett’s role as political cartoonist.

Incomprehensible political cartoon
Incomprehensible political cartoon

 

TFP upholds “No Johnny Paycheck quotes” policy

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"Take This Job and Shove It" by Johnny Paycheck
“Take This Job and Shove It” by Johnny Paycheck

At a press conference yesterday held by the Chattanooga Times Free Press, Managing Editor Ashley Sechalles explained that the recent firing of Free Press editor Drew Johnson was simply an enforcement of the longstanding policy that strictly disallows the use of Johnny Paycheck quotes or references in any articles for the paper.

Johnson had altered the headline for an editorial, critical of President Barack Obama, from “Keep your jobs plan to yourself, Mr. President” to “Take your jobs plan and shove it, Mr. President,” making a reference to country music star Johnny Paycheck’s 1977 hit recording of the David Allen Coe song “Take This Job and Shove It.”

“Time and time again, we have made it clear to our writers and reporters that no Johnny Paycheck references or quotes are to ever be used,” said Sechalles. “Doing so goes against both the AP Stylebook and The Chicago Manual of Style, and even Strunk and White’s The Elements of Style has an entire chapter about avoiding Johnny Paycheck quotes.”

“This firing is not unprecedented,” said Sechalles. “We had to fire one reporter ten years ago for the title of an article about weddings for morbidly obese people, called ‘Will you take this blob and love it?'”

Recently fired TFP writer Drew Johnson lands job at North Georgia Busy Shopper

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Just 24 hours after his dismissal from the Chattanooga Times Free Press for his controversial headline about President Obama’s visit to Chattanooga, writer Drew Johnson announced he has been hired by the North Georgia Busy Shopper weekly publication.

9ae173b7e441f11c503bee41b0b292a432132“It’s been a dream of mine to write for a paper whose main objective is to find great deals on useless shit,” exclaimed Johnson. “I cannot thank the Times Free Press enough for canning my ass and allowing me to take this opportunity.”

Many believe Johnson’s firing was a consequence of his strong anti-Obama views, contrary to the Times Free Press’s reason of his changing the originally approved headline. Likewise, Johnson has become somewhat of a hero in the conservative news world, appearing on celebrity Mormon Glenn Beck’s House of Fun program and Fox News’s Fox and Pals.

Johnson hopes to get right to work with the Busy Shopper, as soon as he returns from his media circuit.

“We’re really excited for Mr. Johnson to join our team,” said Busy Shopper editor Nancy Bowls. “Here, there is no man to keep him down, mostly because we’re a predominantly female staff.”
photo: contributed

BREAKING: TFP’s Johnson fired for changing approved headline of “Suck My fu*king d*ck Obama” to “Take your jobs plan and shove it.”

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Times Free Press reporter Drew Johnson was reportedly fired today after changing the approved headline on his critical review of President Obama’s recent trip to Chattanooga. The original title of “Suck my Fucking Dick Obama,” was approved by Free Press editors, but changed to “Take your jobs plan and shove it, Mr President: Your policies have harmed Chattanooga enough,” before publication.

The original article included a picture of President Obama from Tuesday’s Amazon visit with a sizable penis drawn into his mouth, but was subsequently removed before being posted to the Times Free Press website. “We have zero tolerance for reporters going against our approval,” said one TFP editor, “especially when dicks and dick drawings are involved.”

 

President Obama Stops By Rock City, Calls Bullshit on Seeing Seven States

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During a stop today at Chattanooga tourism mainstay Rock City, President Obama was overheard commenting about the park’s main attraction of “seeing seven states” as “complete bullshit.”

obama-rock-city“I believe the great citizens of Chattanooga are being ass fed a shit bag of lies,” said President Obama. “I paid my goddamn quarter and couldn’t see a fucking thing, let alone seven damn states!”

It was reported the President proceeded to shake the swinging bridge while others crossed and laugh at those who failed the fat man squeeze.

“The only thing worse would be to look down upon Chattanooga and view a hunk of shit cars or visit a man made cave with a mediocre waterfall,” said Obama.

 

 

 

 

 

Photo courtesy of CB Staff/Harold Hardass

Clerical error blamed for Presidential tour of North Shore barge

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A disappointed Barack Obama (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/bqBWPu)
A disappointed Barack Obama (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/bqBWPu)

The City of Chattanooga has blamed a clerical error for a mix-up regarding President Barack Obama’s visit, which led the Presidential entourage to tour the infamous deteriorating North Shore barge—widely considered to be an eyesore and embarrassment—instead of the flourishing Amazon fulfillment center as expected.

After Obama stepped out of the presidential limousine and onto the creaky, dilapidated barge—which has been moored across from the Tennessee Aquarium and unused since 2009—he said, “Well, this…is…uh…interesting,” while clearly confused.

“This is a symbol of…progress?” said Obama, speaking extemporaneously without a teleprompter. “No wait. This is a monument to Chattanooga’s rich history. No, not that either. What is this, again?”

As Obama spoke, Mayor Andy Berke ran frantically toward the barge, flailing his arms, screaming, “Noooo! Noooo! Look away! Look at our beautiful bridge instead!”

The presidential itinerary was corrected and the entourage was directed toward the Amazon fulfillment center instead of the next destination on the original, erroneous route, Chuck’s Condom Shop on Main Street.

BREAKING: Whirlpool Announces It Has Been Successfully Shamed

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BREAKING: A representative from the Whirlpool Corporation announced this morning that the company has successfully and sufficiently been shamed.

“We will now attempt to awaken the two gentlemen, who have been at our necks for many months, and comply with whatever shaming they have in mind,” exclaimed Whirlpool PR spokesmen Todd Harris.

It is believed that Lupton Company will follow suit. More as it breaks…

Tennessee Aquarium Announces Opening of Recycled Seafood Restaurant

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In an effort to further advocate Chattanooga’s green movement, Tennessee Aquarium officials announced plans to open a seafood restaurant within the coming months.

After admitting deceased animals were ultimately being tossed into the Tennessee River, Aquarium officials have decided to make use of the dead animals by deep frying and serving them within a 2000 sq. ft. restaurant near the building’s gift shop.

“We know that a majority of visitors have their own favorite animal attraction at the Aquarium,” said Aquarium spokesman Jeffrey Marcus. “We believe the ability to chow down on a past visit’s favorite shark, penguin, and/or stingray in a battered and deep fried state, will be an experience that can’t be passed up.

800px-TennesseeaquariumExperts believe this new form of “green” recycling of food trend will pick up at other popular Chattanooga attractions, such as the Chattanooga Zoo opening a fine dining steak house in the coming months.

“We’re proud to announce that all catches served will be fresh from local sources,” said new head master chef Jerrim Bodling. “Guests can expect tasty local menu items, such as carp from Lake Winnepesaukah and radioactive catfish from our very own river sources.”

Officials hope the idea of a fully recycled menu will entice customers to visit the new seafood restaurant. “We’re going green on the whole shebang,” said Marcus, “right down to the unfiltered infant tainted drinking water sourced from the stream out front.”

 

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