Dirk Savage

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BREAKING: City Council rules all businesses must include “nooga” in their name

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After weeks of controversial debates over the new ordinance, members of the Chattanooga City Council unanimously voted to require all area businesses to include the word “nooga” in their name.

Sources say the new ordinance will include a fee that new businesses must pay, which will go towards renewing the license on the Chatype font, including this website.

“My wife and I opened our Northshore store selling everything from codpieces to douches labeled with “nooga” ever since we moved to the fast internet gig city over 10 weeks ago,” explained business owner Darryl Noog. “I think it’s great that small business owners are forced to show their love for the hashtag noogastrong city.”

Mayor Berke apologizes for forgetting to pay the city’s internet bill yesterday

After tens of people took to social media to voice their complaints of not having internet for two hours for video gaming, Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke stepped up and admitted his mistake of forgetting to pay the city’s internet bill, which was due by 5pm on Jun 25th.

“It must have slipped my mind,” explained Berke, while rushing to a mailbox to drop in the payment slip. “Looks like a good gig for “gig city” would be reminding me to pay our internet bill, lol.”

Riverbend influence is seen at Bonnaroo as stages are raised 50 feet into the air

As the gates opened for the Bonnaroo music festival in Manchester, Tennessee this past week, festival attendees were pleased to discover the world famous and highly admired insanely high stages of Chattanooga’s Riverbend music festival had made their way to the farm.

Experts believe organizers for the up and coming Bonnaroo music festival searched high and low for inspiration to create the ultimate music festival experience, and were shocked to find such inspiration just a few miles down the road in Chattanooga.

“We first discovered those festival goers really long for a neck-straining stage height where the ultimate experience requires a set of binoculars,” explained Bonnaroo VP of Music, Todd Bonnaroo.”Luckily, we were able to swing by a home improvement store and jack up the stage heights just minutes before the gates opened.”

Sources say Bonnaroo attendees for next year’s festival can look forward to more hot tub salesmen, street preachers screaming about eternal damnation, and shootings.

All 2145 CFC owners vote to switch team to curling

During the first meeting of Chattanooga Football Club owners since the initial offering, a vote among members unanimously decided to switch the team to the sport of curling. Experts are unsure why a team with literally the word football in the name would change to curling. Some members of the beloved Chatthooligans fan group have already begun spraypainting “Curlahooligan” on their chests in preperation.

“I was watching tv one day and saw curling and thought it was neat, then realized I paid my $125 to part own a sports team, so might as well turn it into curling,” explained CFC part-owner owner Don Sanders.

“We expect to have Finley stadium fully iced over and ready for slidin’ the rocks by the first game later this month,” explained Finley stadium field manager Todd Kelly.

TVA accidentally releases the Kraken during flood preparations

During preparations for possible historic flooding this week, it was announced that TVA engineers accidentally released the Kraken while emptying out water reservoirs.

Sources say that while TVA was working with the Army Corps of Engineers to prepare for excessive water levels, the Navy, Air Force, Marines, and new Space Force have been additionally called in to deal with the recently released Kraken.

“Things are running rather smoothly as we being emptying the locks in prepOHHH SHHITTTTT”, explained TVA engineer Randy Davis, while being dragged into the depths of Lake Chickamauga by the mythical Kraken.

Guy Fieri purchases Food City, will incorporate into Flavortown

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During the grand opening announcement for the new Fort Oglethorpe Food City, onlookers were shocked when television personality and celebrity chef Guy Fieri appeared announced he has purchased all local Food Citys and will relocate them to Flavortown. 

“The Rockin’ Chattanooga and beyond Red Food, er Bi-Lo, ah Food Cities are greasin’ their way to Flavortown,” explained Fieri, while downing a plate of cheese fries. “Be sure to stock up on 69 cent donkeysauce and four for twenty noogastrongbows before this Food City gets rockvacuated!”

MAGA teen asshole arrives in Chattanooga to smirk at Riverfront Trail of Tears monument

After making a spectacle of himself last Friday during the Washington D.C. Indigenous Peoples March, the unnamed teenage “Make America Great Again” hat wearing shit head was spotted this weekend staring down Chattanooga’s monument to the Trail of Tears.

Sources say that once the little sack of shit is named, he will receive an atomic wedgie when he returns to whatever douchebag generating school he returns to.


Chattanooga Moxy to rebrand after learning no one has had sex there

Just months after opening as the new hip “hook up” hotel in downtown Chattanooga, managers of the Moxy were disappointed to learn that zero acts of sexual intercourse have taken place within its 108 rooms or public restrooms.

Sources say renovations have begun to replace large pictures of millennials drinking and having fun with laughing families eating pancakes and the aquarium.

“The night was going great, and I felt like the mood was getting right for the sexy time, but after ordering a simple cosmopolitan at the bar, waiting 20 minutes to receive it, and the loud crashing sound of some jack-ass playing oversized Janga, the window was closed,” explained one Moxy guest.

“We were so close to, you know, doin’ it, but then my date slid just 6 inches off the bed and gashed their head on the doorknob, so the night ended in the Erlanger intensive care unit,” explained another Moxy patron.

TDOT advising everyone to just stay home during I-75/24 split construction

This week during a press conference discussing the plans of the upcoming I-75 and I-24 split construction, a representative for the Tennessee Department of Transportation announced that motorists should probably just stay home during the project. The construction, which will begin this summer, will bring devastation to the area that residents haven’t seen since the tornados of 2011.

“It would be wise for everyone to just stay at home and wait for the shitstorm to pass,” explained TDOT spokesman Scott Browns. “You could take an alternate route, but that would be like cutting off an arm instead of a leg.”

“I’ve already quit my job and stocked up on ramen and powdered milk in preparation,” explained East Ridge resident Jason Matthews. “I would be sitting in traffic from 8 to 5 anyway, unless I want to do something stupid like wake up at 5am.”

John Wise begins rebuilding all properties after last weeks devastating earthquakes

Just one week after devastating earthquakes rocked the Tennessee Valley area, local developer John Wise announced rebuilding has begun after every one of his buildings was destroyed. Sources say the actual dollar value of buildings destroyed will total into the hundreds and possibly even thousand.

Experts were stunned after literally every other structure in the area was left unharmed after the earthquake took place.

“We will rebuild better and stronger than before, but probably not really,” explained Wise, while standing in front of a pile of dilapidated particleboard.