Dirk Savage

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Mayoral candidate Christopher Dahl unloads boatload of Rush Limbaugh death memes in an effort to gain attention

After a leading candidate for Chattanooga Mayor was spotted sharing a post supposedly celebrating the death of conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh, Libertarian candidate Christopher Dahl took to social media to unload a collection of pro-death Limbaugh memes in hopes to snag some attention.

Experts believe Mr. Dahl hopes to gain some publicity with a copycat scandal that earned even more press for a leading candidate while those outside the top four have failed to gain any sort of noterity.

“He was spotted posting a “We have God-given free will to smoke cigars while denying lung cancer existed and then dying and going straight to hell” quote with a golden microphone floating in a lake of fire meme,” exclaimed a local Facebook police officer Donnie Covey. ‘This is shameful and I will contact the Chattanoogan at once.”

“I don’t know who he was but I’m still not going to vote for him,” explained Chattanooga voter Gary Plummer. “Posting a meme saying Mr. Limbaugh died choking on a fart covered cigar is the last straw for me.”

Marjorie Taylor Greene named the new leader of the Yellow Deli and Twelve Tribes after the founder dies

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After the death of the original leader from the Twelve Tribes, a cult that operates downtown Chattanooga’s Yellow Deli restaurant, a representative from the group announced they have found a suitable replacement in Georgia Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene.

Greene, a freshman U.S. representative from Georgia’s 14th congressional district, has made recent headlines for her wack-job beliefs in the far right conspiracy theory group or cult called “QAnon”, which many are saying puts her in a perfect position to lead the Twelve Tribes group.

“The first order of business is to rename ourselves the Thirteen Tribes because rightful President Donald J Trump should be his own tribe,” explained Greene to a group of high supporters. “Make that 14 when Q arrives”.

Experts believe Greenes will get right to work putting her own touch on the Yellow Deli menu. Sources say patrons, which are now called “patriotons” of the restaurant can look forward to new menu items such as the “Q-euben” and the “Jewish Space Sandwich” to enjoy.

Rep Fleischmann spotted at local adult store preparing for next encounter with Trump

After news broke that Representative Chuck Fleischmann would join in objecting to President-Elect Joe Biden’s certification, it was reported the congressman was spotted at a local adult store purchasing BDSM supplies in preparation for his next run-in with Trump. A bystander spotted Chucky trying on different outfits and talking to himself in a mirror.

“Please don’t say mean things on the internet about me daddy Trump, I promise I’ll be good and do whatever you want,” exclaimed Fleischmann into a mirror, while placing a MAGA bondage mask on his head and fastening on orange nipple clamps.

Sources have also discovered secret service was made aware the congressman’s safe word is “Fleshmann”, just in case things got a little out of hand with the departing losing president.

Times Square New Year’s Eve Ball also running for City of Chattanooga Mayor

Since everyone else is, a representative of the New York City Times Square New Year’s Eve celebration ball announced the inanimate object is throwing its name in the hat to become the City of Chattanooga Mayor in 2021. A spokesman says the ball plans to roll on down to the scenic city around 12:01est tonight.

“New Year’s Eve Ball will be fighting for working families while “dropping” the crime rates around the city, get it?”, explained New Year’s Eve ball campaign manager Todd Smith, while trying to social distance away from a large growing group of more mayoral candidate campaign managers.

I may have herpes, but at least I don’t have COVID-19 – by Twisty

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As we head into month whatever of the pandemic shit of COVID-19, I am proud to say I have been coronavirus free. “How is this so Twisty?” Well, as I don’t require a condom, I do require a mask.

You see, doctors have been tellin us to keep 6ft away from each other to keep the coronavirus at bay. If you’ve lived in Chattanooga in the last few years, you’ll know some private information about myself has been posted around the city. “Twisty got herpes” is one of gigcities most popular tags, along with “CARTA” and “trump69”. So with this type of reputation, it’s easy to social distance!

I do think Dr Fauci should look into distributing herpes instead of a vaccine since it appears to keep the covid away. Herpes is here now, while a vaccine is months or ever years away!

So next time you see “Twisty has…” spray painted under a bridge or on a trash can somewhere, you can rest assure it’s not COVID-19.

Coffee News to pick up publishing Right2Know after TFP drops it

After the Chattanooga Times Free Press announced it would stop publishing mugshots on its Right2Know website, a representative from local publication Coffee News announced they will take over issuing the popular series beginning with next week’s issue.

Experts believe the inclusion of the Right2Know service will be a meat and three restaurant waiting area patrons one-stop-shop for farmers market locations, Buddhist monk quotes, and names of those arrested for domestic assault.

“We are making a few tweaks to the service to make it more reader-friendly,” explained Coffee News writer Rusty Erics. “We will change the “2” to spell out “to” and include the astrological sign of each arrestee.”

Satan announces SFEST after JFEST is officially canceled

Just hours after concert organizers announced the yearly Christian music festival JFEST was canceled due to the COVID-19 pandemic, Dark Lord and ruler of Hell Satan announced plans to replace the gathering with his very own SFEST.

Experts believe the announcement comes after a multi-century battle of good vs evil.

“While Jehovah’s plans have been foiled once again, the ground will open and the gates of hell will rise upon the Tennessee Riverpark and SFEST will reign supreme,” explained Satan, while releasing a belly laugh full of fire and brimstone. “The fires of Hell are just hot enough to burn away the Coronavirus, and be sure to purchase a keepsake SFEST pentagram koozie from one of my demons in the merch tent.”

LOCAL FREEDOM FIGHTER: This lady only angry reacts to every Andy Berke video broadcast

While many people across the country are taking to the streets protesting state and city-mandated stay at home orders, Chattanooga woman Sally Thanderfield is doing her part by only providing an “angry” reaction to every video post that Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke has made.

Many residents have criticized the Mayor for what they believe are infringements on their constitutional rights by not allowing them to gather in large places and lick public doorknobs.

We spoke with Sally Thanderfield, who internet freedom activists are calling a hero for her willingness and preparedness to always send red angry face reactions whenever Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke is providing an update to constituents via social media video.

“He is saying my salon cannot reopen when he probably knows damn well my perm has gone to hell,” explained Mrs. Thanderfield, while shuffling a mask around her face. “My truck is out of gas and I was told I can get the corona from gas pumps, so take my angry reaction Mayor Andy Buttke!”

Friends of the Festival hoping COVID-19 sticks around long enough to blame it on low Riverbend turnout

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After many music festivals around the globe are canceling upcoming events due to the COVID-19 outbreak, a spokeswoman for Friends of the Festival announced they believe the outbreak will probably, or I’m sure most definitely cause a low turnout for this years Riverbend festival.

“Oh man, it’s really too bad that :cough cough: I won’t be able to make it to Riverbend this year :cough cough: really sad, yeah,” explained Riverbend executive director Mickey McCamish festival attendee Charlie Bendsmen. “I know there’s hundreds more that feel the same, probably even tens of thousands, really sad, bummer.”

“We knew that knocking off a few days will bring down the turnout, explained Friends of the Festival spokeswomen Karen Sanders, “I’m pretty sure this Coronavirus or whatever will cause us to limit the festival to probably 1 day, or maybe just 30 minutes.”

Blue Orleans owners say “screw it”, will transform the restaurant into a Cicis

After going thru a massive transformation courtesy of the hit television series “Restaurant: Impossible”, Blue Orleans owners Mike Adams and Cherita Bloodwirth announced plans to abandon the New Orleans style restaurant and open a Cicis instead.

Sources say patrons of the newly made-over restaurant were shocked to hear of the news, but we’re pretty excited because they like cheap pizza.

“We knew that taking down our large diving curtains would open up many possibilities in the future,” explained owner and chef Mike Adams.”Little did we know those possibilities would bring a 40-foot pizza buffet!”

“Now our children will never want to leave because we have pizza, and you know kids love pizza,” explained Bloodwirth.