Sports/Rec - Page 4

Cleveland State Lady Cougars change name to Lady MILFs

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Cleveland State Lady MILFs
Cleveland State Lady MILFs

At a press conference yesterday afternoon at Cleveland State Community College, it was announced that the women’s basketball team had changed its name from Lady Cougars to Lady MILFs, soon after the opening of its 2013-2014 season.

“The name ‘Lady Cougars’ didn’t bring to mind the image we wanted,” said women’s basketball coach Pam Wassermann. “When you think of a female cougar, you think of a withered middle-aged lady wearing too much make-up and an animal print top, smelling of the stench of desperation and a cheap Chanel No. 5 knock-off you’d find in a truck stop bathroom, haunting the line-dancing floor at the Electric Cowboy.”

“We wanted to convey a woman who was a little younger, yet just as feisty,” said Wassermann.

“Now a MILF, that’s different,” said Wassermann. “A MILF is a strong, active, fertile creature, ready to pick up junior from daycare after a busy day of hot yoga, shopping at the farmer’s market and selling homemade jewelry online on Etsy.”

Wassermann clarified that it was not required for a team member to have given birth or to be sexually attractive.

BREAKING: Deceased prostitute discovered in trunk during Rossville area “Trunk or Treat” event

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According to witnesses, a deceased prostitute was discovered during a local “Trunk or Treat” event at an unnamed Rossville area church.

TRUNKBystanders reported the prostitute was discovered under a KFC bucket of candy in the trunk of an unmanned vehicle during the event.

“One minute you’re dressing your kid up as their favorite Duck Dynasty character, the next you’re sheltering them from the sight of a dead hooker,” explained local parent Terry Jeffers.

New climbing wall complex to be crawling ramp complex instead

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Crawling ramp (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/7VBtig)
Crawling ramp (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/7VBtig)

At a press conference yesterday held by the River City Co., it was announced that the former Bijou theater downtown, originally slated to become one of the largest American climbing wall complexes, will now be home to the largest crawling ramp complex in the United States.

“It was a tough decision,” said Gretchen Staplemont, the director of River City Co. “We crunched the numbers over and over again and came to the realization that we were kidding ourselves. Chattanooga just doesn’t have enough physically fit people to make a huge climbing wall complex a sustainable venture.”

“Sure, the Ironman Chattanooga triathlon competition sold out in three minutes, but those were all out-of-towners,” said Staplemont. “Remember, Chattanooga is the birthplace of the Moon Pie and the Krystal burger.”

Originally, the facility was to be called “The Block,” but now, the River City Co. is calling the new complex “The Ramp,” which is set to open this Saturday.

“We have all kinds of ramps, for the novice crawler to the most experienced speed-crawler, plus some specialty ramps,” said Staplemont.

“The Slippery Slope” features a lickable surface covered with movie theater-style butter, to motivate crawlers to reach their destination.

“Maybe some day, a giant climbing wall complex can be sustainable in Chattanooga, but we’re taking baby steps,” said Staplemont. “We’ve got to crawl before we can climb.”

The Ramp logo
The Ramp logo

 

LAZYMAN Chattanooga sells out in two minutes

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lazy-man-300x199LAZYMAN Chattanooga spots sold out in two minutes after registration opened around 11:00 am this morning.

LAZYMAN, which is the common man’s answer to the Ironman triathlon, is the first of its kind for the scenic city.

The prize purse for the event will include a $35 dollar gift certificate to Ryan’s Steakhouse and a one-on-one meet-and-greet with Chattanooga’s own Dennis Haskins.

Activities for LAZYMAN will include: a 26.2-mile ride in a Ford Aerostar, a sponge bath and a 10 minute quiet session to think about purchasing a bike.

The event will take place sometime in September of 2014, if weather permits.

BREAKING: Lake Winnepesaukah Announces Partnership with Six Flags Over Georgia for World’s Longest Water Park

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sixflagslakeDuring a press conference this morning at Lake Winnepesaukah’s “Wet Spot” location of Soak Ya, a representative from the amusement park announced a partnership with Six Flags to build the world’s longest waterpark.  The announcement came just a few days after Six Flags Over Georgia unveiled plans to open its own water park in 2014.

The joint water park will span a total of 120 miles from Rossville to Atlanta and feature many slides, lazy rivers and sewage system plunges, and entrance to the park can be accessed from either existing location.

Six Flags season pass holders can gain access to the park for a $10 upgrade to their season pass, and Lake Winnepesaukah visitors can upgrade their normal day pass for $750 for access.

Officials from the state of Georgia said the new water park will replace any plans for a bullet train from Chattanooga to Atlanta.

“It might be slower, but what beats a lazy river?” said a Georgia representative.

 

 

Chattanooga Roller Boys struggling to find audience

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Men's roller derby (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/csrVrE)
Men’s roller derby (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/csrVrE)

It is undeniable that roller derby has made a huge comeback in recent years, but you wouldn’t know it by attending a local Chattanooga Roller Boys bout.

“We are completely baffled,” said Chattanooga Roller Boys team captain and founder Justin McCloskie, looking at an audience of six people at their game Saturday evening at the VFW on Amnicola Highway. “And this is the largest crowd we’ve had so far.”

McCloskie formed the Chattanooga Roller Boys six months ago after witnessing a match featuring the Chattanooga Roller Girls at the downtown Marriott Convention Center, competing in front of a packed, sold-out audience.

“It blew my mind,” said McCloskie. “It was such an exciting game, and everyone in the audience was totally into it, cheering non-stop. I thought to myself: men’s sports are more popular than women’s sports—just look at professional basketball—so men’s roller derby should be even more popular than women’s roller derby.”

“I was wrong, apparently,” said McCloskie, who also goes by the alias “Terence Trent Derby.”

The Chattanooga Roller Boys currently has a membership of 20 skaters, aged between 18 and 35, who compete in flat-track quad-skate roller derby bouts across Tennessee.

“What are we doing wrong?” asked blocker Regin Plesson, a.k.a. “Reginald Cattermaul,” to The Chattanooga Bystander after the bout. “We’re doing our best to make a dynamic, exhilarating competition. That’s what people want to see, right?”

In addition to participating in bouts, the Chattanooga Roller Boys performs a significant amount of charity work. In particular, the team is focused on raising money to fund testicular cancer research, and the last project involved selling brownish-purple-ribbon car magnets for the “Save the Nutsacks” campaign.

“I don’t know how long we can go on like this without more support,” said jammer Wes Granwood, known by his derby name “Wesley Crush-Him.” “Now I kind of regret getting this lower-back ‘CRB’ tattoo.”

Bike Chattanooga to introduce jetpack rentals in 2014

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Jetpack (Used under the GFDL v1.2 license. Source: Fir0002/Flagstaffotos)
Jetpack (Used under the GFDL v1.2 license. Source: Fir0002/Flagstaffotos)

Bike Chattanooga, the group that administers Chattanooga’s bike-sharing program, has received scrutiny lately, with concerns that it will be able to be profitable, after exhausting most of a $2 million federal grant yet only generating a small fraction of that in revenue so far.

At a press conference today, Bike Chattanooga director Taylor Vettellini unveiled a bold, new plan on the cutting edge of technology that seeks to make Bike Chattanooga sustainable by offering next year at its existing 31 bike-rental stations the additional option of renting a jetpack.

“The future is now,” said Vettellini. “Jetpacks have long captured the imagination in science fiction movies, and although it may be hard to believe, this mode of transportation will be available to Chattanoogans within one year.”

“We have the technology,” said Vettellini. “It is mind-boggling what science has brought us today. Google has developed a car that can drive itself, medical researchers are capable of building replacement human tissue from scratch and the smartphone that you are holding in your hand has more computing power than all the computers NASA had in 1969 for its moon landing program.”

“Imagine being at the Chattanooga Market, strapping on a jetpack, and 30 seconds later, being at Coolidge Park on the North Shore,” said Vettellini.

“Our pilot program—pun intended—has so far been a resounding success,” said Vettellini. “We have only had two fatalities so far.”

“This is 100% green technology, using state-of-the-art Lithium Silicon Polymer battery packs,” explained Vettellini. “Propelling a jetpack through the air takes huge amounts of energy, and we considered the situation where a pilot might have exhausted all the battery power in the middle of a flight. So, we have added a hand crank to the jetpack, so the pilot simply needs to vigorously crank away to generate enough electricity to complete the flight.”

Vettellini explained that the jetpacks to be introduced in 2014 are designed for solo pilots, although future models may be available to accommodate children, pets or even tandem flights.

“How romantic would that be? An exhilarating flight under the moonlight on a jetpack built for two,” said Vettellini.

Bike Chattanooga rental station
Bike Chattanooga rental station

 

2013 Monster Truck Jam Event to be Held at Tivoli Theater.

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In an effort to recoup some of the losses attributed to the city owned venue, event coordinators have announced this years annual Chattanooga Monster Truck Jam will be held at the Historic Tivoli Theater.

The Monster Truck Jam, which is normally held at UTC’s McKenzie Arena, is one of Chattanooga’s top grossing events of the year. Officials hope the venue change will bring the profitability back to the ailing Tivoli Theater after a reported near million dollar loss in 2012.

“I plan on getting front row seats to this bad boy,” exclaimed Chattanooga Monster truck enthusiast Roy Cooper, after hearing the news of the venue change.” It’s about time they got something worthwhile to see in that fancy shithole.”

The event, which will be held on a TBD Sunday, will bring the awe-inspiring spectacle of Monster trucks, such as Bigfoot, Grave Digger, and Mother Puncher, to the near 100-year-old theater, normally reserved for classical music concerts and the Chattanooga Boys Choir singing Christmas Tree.

“We plan on most of the exciting action to be held on the Tivoli’s 19 by 17 foot stage, but we can’t promise that some trucks will not spill into the first few rows,” said Monster Jam spokesmen Ray Phillips. “We’re ironing out the details with the insurance company at this time.”

tivolimonster

“We hope that many more events like this will be relocated to the Tivoli,” said Tivoli spokeswoman Cheryl Chester. “We would love to accommodate Ringling Brothers Circus, Pro Wrestling, or the Harlem Globetrotters to our beautiful theater.”

Sandy the Flower Man wins USA Cycling Championship

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Sandy the Flower Man (Source: http://tinyurl.com/sandyflowerman)
Sandy the Flower Man (Source: http://tinyurl.com/sandyflowerman)

In a stunning victory, defeating dozens of seasoned, professional cyclists, local celebrity Sandy the Flower Man won the USA Cycling Professional Time Trial Championship, held for the first time in Chattanooga over the weekend after starting in Philadelphia in 1985 and being held for the last seven years in Greenville, S.C.

Sandy the Flower Man, whose real name is Oterius Bell, unintentionally won the championship race because he was strongly compelled to travel to the downtown area immediately, but he was told by race officials that the roads were blocked off because of the event and that the only way he could make his way downtown unimpeded was to officially enter the competition.

“I just had this feeling that, right at that time, there were two young lovers somewhere downtown who needed to be brought together, and my giving the young lady a daffodil was going to be the catalyst for this budding romance,” said Sandy the Flower Man, after winning the race. “I had to do everything within my ability to make this happen.”

Sandy the Flower Man is a Chattanooga mainstay, often seen riding his bicycle and wearing his trademark black cowboy hat and sleeveless vest during the evening and late-night hours around downtown establishments, handing out flowers with a gentle, welcoming smile.

The U.S. Marine Corps veteran works as a handyman during the daytime hours and is a cancer survivor, leading some spectators to make comparisons to cancer survivor and cyclist Lance Armstrong, if Armstrong gave away flowers and didn’t illegally use performance enhancing drugs and didn’t disappoint millions of people.

After Sandy the Flower Man fiercely pedaled his way past the finish line, he was presented with a medal and a bouquet of flowers, to which he replied, “Oh my!” expressing both surprise and delight.

Sandy immediately threw down his bicycle and began to dismantle the flower bouquet, handing out the blossoms to couples as he made his way through the cheering crowd on his determined matchmaking quest.

Sandy the Flower Man
Sandy the Flower Man

 

Chattanooga Police considers adopting UFC rules

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UFC logo (source: http://tinyurl.com/ufclogo)
UFC logo (source: http://tinyurl.com/ufclogo)

At a press conference yesterday afternoon, Chattanooga Police Chief Wilfred Leistershire announced that the department is strongly considering adopting rules of the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, as guidelines for officers when apprehending criminals.

The police has endured criticism over the last few years with accusations of police brutality, with one prominent case involving suspect Adam Tatum, who suffered multiple fractures to both of his legs at the hands of Officers Sean Emmer and Adam Cooley, both of whom were fired after the incident.

“Being a police officer is incredibly challenging and both physically and mentally demanding, and in the heat of a struggle with a criminal, it can be easy to get lost in the moment, focusing on making sure that the criminal offers no threat to any officers or people around him,” said Leistershire. “Whether it’s slamming a suspect’s skull into the pavement five times or fifty times, it’s hard to draw the line at what is and isn’t acceptable.”

“UFC rules for mixed martial arts fighting matches are well-defined, and most of our officers are already familiar with them,” explained Leistershire. “In fact, we recruited many of our officers at UFC competitions.”

“Among the rules: no biting, no eye-gouging, no cock-punching, no hair-pulling and no oil-canning,” said Leistershire. “That last one, if you aren’t familiar with wrestling, means putting your thumb where the sun don’t shine.”

The proposal has not yet been approved, but Leistershire explained that if it passes, then officers will be issued loose-fitting shorts as their uniforms and will be encouraged to adopt intimidating names, such as Officer Kenneth “Thunderpants” Jinnem or Officer Stacy “Nutcracker Unsweet” Doyleen.

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