It was announced at a press conference today that Chattanooga’s annual Riverbend Festival would be shortened from nine days to four days, and to fit the same amount of material in a shorter time, music acts would be required to perform their songs twice as fast.
“Half as long, twice as fast, baby!” said Riverbend representative Tracy Gatbond. “That’s not a comment about male inadequacy and premature ejaculation. We’re talking about the new and improved Riverbend!”
“You have our solemn guarantee that it’ll feature 100% of the goodness you love and expect from Riverbend, but crammed into four days, with everyone singing their songs at double speed, sounding like a bunch of auctioneers on cocaine,” said Gatbond.
“No more masturbatory 30-minute jam-band guitar solos here,” said Gatbond. “All songs will be played at a minimum of 200 beats-per-minute, even a specially recorded version of the National Anthem, which will get people’s asses shaking with a sick, thumping techno beat.”
“Faster! Faster!” said Gatbond, while cracking a bullwhip. “There’s just one thing we’re living for…speeeeeeed!”