Politics - Page 2

Chattanooga Bystander endorses Mayor Andy Berke for Mayor and a third term

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The Chattanooga Bystander is proud to endorse current City of Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke for the upcoming 2021 City of Chattanooga Mayorship election. While this isn’t legally possible, we will lay out a few reasons why we think it should happen anyway.

Saving the taxpayers’ money: he’s been in office for a while now. We’re sure he’s accumulated quite a few knickknacks around the office so it would take many moving trucks to get everything out. It will cost quite a bit to change all the names painted, printed, or embossed on various things in the city, and that shit ain’t cheap

2020 really didn’t count: Zoom is bullshit and not real life.

There is like 300 people running: We all know there is going to be runoffs, and we can’t deal with these signs anymore. Just give him the damn thing

We all know Andy has had his ups and downs, but who hasn’t? He’s managed to get our town voted best down ever by people who have never been anywhere else, plus the internet is good. So when you head to the poll, be sure to write in Andy 2021. If you already voted, just show back up and see if you can change your vote. Not sure if that’s legal but worth a shot.

Marjorie Taylor Greene named the new leader of the Yellow Deli and Twelve Tribes after the founder dies

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After the death of the original leader from the Twelve Tribes, a cult that operates downtown Chattanooga’s Yellow Deli restaurant, a representative from the group announced they have found a suitable replacement in Georgia Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene.

Greene, a freshman U.S. representative from Georgia’s 14th congressional district, has made recent headlines for her wack-job beliefs in the far right conspiracy theory group or cult called “QAnon”, which many are saying puts her in a perfect position to lead the Twelve Tribes group.

“The first order of business is to rename ourselves the Thirteen Tribes because rightful President Donald J Trump should be his own tribe,” explained Greene to a group of high supporters. “Make that 14 when Q arrives”.

Experts believe Greenes will get right to work putting her own touch on the Yellow Deli menu. Sources say patrons, which are now called “patriotons” of the restaurant can look forward to new menu items such as the “Q-euben” and the “Jewish Space Sandwich” to enjoy.

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene purchases bullshit detector on Craigslist

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Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene

After receiving wide criticism for her support of wild conspiracy theories on social media, North Georgia Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene announced that she purchased a bullshit detector from someone on Craigslist.

This bullshit detector, which resembles a waffle iron glued to a lava lamp wrapped with Christmas string lights, was purchased by Greene from a man known as “Lortab Larry” for $5000, paid in Applebee’s gift cards.

Greene, who in the last few years has supported allegations that the Parkland and Sandy Hook shootings were “false flag” events and that Democrats are part of a global cabal of Satanic, cannibalistic pedophiles, will use the bullshit detector to determine the veracity of claims from her constituents.

“I just got this email from one of my supporters that as a child, AOC was possessed by the devil and could rotate her head all the way around and also that she once rigged a bus so that it would explode if it went below 50 mph, and also she was responsible for the Rwandan genocide and participated in a human centipede in college, just for fun,” said Greene, before feeding a printout into her bullshit detector.

“Well what do you know, it’s all true,” said Greene, nodding solemnly.

D.C. rioters upset by Kanye, Kim breakup, suggests Rep. Fleischmann

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After rioters carrying Trump flags stormed the U.S. Capitol yesterday, Congressman Chuck Fleischmann told a WDEF reporter “I don’t know what is motivating these people” and then later added that maybe the possible impending divorce between Kanye West and Kim Kardashian was the reason.

“It’s really heartbreaking, because I’ve been pulling for those two wacky lovebirds on their crazy rollercoaster ride of life, love and laughter,” said Fleischmann. “I had to listen to Yeezus on vinyl in my underground bunker to console myself.”

“I’m upset too, but I will always condemn violence, whether it comes from the right, the left, the center, or rabid Kanye and Kim fans,” said Fleischmann.

Trump finds missing 11,780 ballots in Ark of the Covenant in Dalton

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At a rally today in Dalton, Georgia, one day before the state’s runoff elections for its U.S. Senate seats, President Trump announced that he found 11,780 missing Presidential election ballots, hidden inside the legendary Ark of the Covenant, buried under a pile of discarded carpet samples.

Trump drew fierce criticism after a conversation leaked in which he asked Georgia secretary of state Brad Raffensperger, a Republican, to “find 11,780 votes” that would tilt Georgia to favor Trump rather than the President-elect, Joe Biden.

“If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself,” said Trump to thousands of followers at Dalton’s regional airport. “Sad!”

As Trump read the ballots, one by one, he was pleased to discover that all of them were votes for him.

“I had Pence open the Ark for me, because I saw what happened in that Indiana Jones documentary to those Nazis,” said Trump.

Rep Fleischmann spotted at local adult store preparing for next encounter with Trump

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After news broke that Representative Chuck Fleischmann would join in objecting to President-Elect Joe Biden’s certification, it was reported the congressman was spotted at a local adult store purchasing BDSM supplies in preparation for his next run-in with Trump. A bystander spotted Chucky trying on different outfits and talking to himself in a mirror.

“Please don’t say mean things on the internet about me daddy Trump, I promise I’ll be good and do whatever you want,” exclaimed Fleischmann into a mirror, while placing a MAGA bondage mask on his head and fastening on orange nipple clamps.

Sources have also discovered secret service was made aware the congressman’s safe word is “Fleshmann”, just in case things got a little out of hand with the departing losing president.

Rhonda Thurman ceremonially shaves opponent’s head after election win

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After being re-elected to represent District 1 on the Hamilton County school board, Rhonda Thurman ceremonially shaved the head of her opponent, Stephen Vickers, to mark the victory.

In a hidden chamber accessible from the school board meeting room through a secret passageway, Thurman first kneeled on the tiled floor wearing a large black robe and a tall and wide-brimmed hat that obscured her face.

With slow, methodical movements, she poured water from a silver pitcher into an ornamental silver bowl resembling a clam shell, moistening a washcloth before wiping the face of Vickers, who had disrobed and kneeled solemnly.

Thurman used scissors to cut away Vickers’ light brown hair before cleanly shaving his scalp with a set of antique manually operated hair clippers; she held his freshly bald head in the palm of her hand, thus signalling the end of the ritual that the Hamilton County school board has held every election season for centuries.

The owner of a beauty salon, Thurman was a center of controversy in April regarding comments about opening small businesses during the COVID-19 pandemic.

To further celebrate her victory, Thurman offered free “bowl cut” haircuts at her beauty salon.

“Moe Moe Moe! How do you like it, how do you like it?” sang Thurman, as she quickly snipped her scissors, making willing men and women resemble Moe Howard from the Three Stooges.

“B.Y.O.B. y’all!” said Thurman. “Bring your own bowl!”

City Council schedules 143 Zoom meetings to hear citizens’ police concerns

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After a marathon 7-hour City Council meeting on Zoom, including statements from over 250 citizens, the City Council scheduled an additional 143 7-hour Zoom meetings in order to hear all of the concerns from citizens regarding the police budget, after 10 days of protests and marches in the aftermath of George Floyd’s death.

“We’ve got thousands more statements to listen to, and we’ll listen to them all, by gum,” said one councilperson. “We’ve got a case of Diet Coke. We’ve got packs of NoDoz. We’ve even got those eye clamp things to force our eyes to stay open, like in the movie ‘A Clockwork Orange.'”

“We do want to suggest that people talk as fast as they can, and if possible, take speed-talking or auctioneer classes on the web,” said the councilperson.

“Also, try to be economical with your words,” said the councilperson. “Like, instead of saying, ‘police brutality is a motherfucker,’ you could simply say, ‘police brutality is a fucker,’ and save yourself two syllables.”

10-person gathering limit devastates local orgy community

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Shockwaves were felt throughout Chattanooga’s orgy community after Tennessee Governor Bill Lee signed Executive Order 17, which prohibits social gatherings of more than 10 people.

“How am I supposed to get off by having sex with less than 10 people?” said local swinger and orgy enthusiast Kelly Tristhem. “All I’m asking for, and this isn’t much, is to have my wildest fantasies fulfilled by bathing in a giant ocean of flesh and genitals, all flopping around, while everyone is greased up and wearing masquerade masks, moaning and making animal noises and writhing with ecstasy and orgasmic pleasure.”

Citizens are currently strongly advised to stay at home and avoid contact with other people while COVID-19 cases are swiftly increasing unless absolutely necessary, due to health and safety reasons, and state authorities have unveiled their new pro-masturbation campaign with the slogan: “Masturbation: it’s sex with someone you love.”

Police data storage failure results in loss of dashcam footage, funny cat videos

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The Hamilton County Sheriff’s Office experienced “catastrophic data loss” on its 13-year-old data storage servers, resulting in the loss of over a year’s worth of dashboard camera footage for 130 patrol deputies and the department’s massive stash of funny cat videos.

“I can’t believe it,” said the office’s information technology administrator, Ashley Zernot. “Our collection of funny cat videos was legendary, and now they’re all gone.”

“About half of these videos weren’t ever on YouTube or Facebook,” said Zernot. “They were traded on the dark web, which is where you find the absolute funniest, cutest cat videos out there.”

“You’ve got to dig and know the right people to find the good stuff,” said Zernot. “These cats are so cute, they make Keyboard Cat look like a clump of moist hairballs in comparison.”

“We also had this great collection of dashcam bloopers, and that’s lost forever, too,” said Zernot. “My favorite is one where an officer is pulling over this gorgeous lady, and as he bends over to talk through the driver’s window, he accidentally lets rip this thunderous fart.”

“Next time, I guess I’ll backup everything on floppy disks or Jaz drives or something,” said Zernot.

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