Politics - Page 3

Southside violence problem solved by new signs

In a stunning development, it was revealed that a few new signs posted at the parking lot near the Southside nightclub Coyote Jacks completely solved the area’s ongoing late-night violence problem.

“There. All better,” said a representative from the community. “All you have to do is ask politely, and people will behave.”

One sign reads “If it is between midnight and 6 a.m., shouldn’t you be at home in bed, getting a good night’s rest so that you are refreshed and ready to tackle the challenges of a new day, by golly?”

Another sign reads “Hope you are having a pleasant evening, and, oh, by the way, do us a big favor and please don’t murder anyone here”.

One suggestion to force Coyote Jacks to only play the song “Don’t Take Your Guns to Town” by Johnny Cash over and over was shot down.

Southside sign #2

Pence to talk with Rep. Marsha Blackburn through hole in sheet

Vice President Mike Pence made a vow to only talk with Republican Senate candidate Marsha Blackburn through a hole in a sheet today at a fundraiser in Chattanooga.

Pence told The Hill in 2002 that he never dines alone with a woman who isn’t his wife and that he won’t attend an event where alcohol is served unless his wife is with him.

Republican U.S. Representative Blackburn has pledged to support President Trump’s agenda, and she is running for the Senate seat that Bob Corker will vacate, facing former Tennessee governor Phil Bredesen in the race.

Pence also made a vow to solemnly eat only graham crackers and drink only whole milk at the fundraising reception.

Developers urge city to address vacation-homeless issue

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Local housing developers have urged the city government to address the vacation-homeless issue that has plagued Chattanooga – that is, the issue of homeowners who only have a primary residence and do not own a vacation home.

“Can you believe that the majority of Chattanooga homeowners only have one house and no vacation home?” said local developer Cyril Brimble-Scrivener. “No beach house, summer home on the lake, or even a measly pied-à-terre in Manhattan.”

The issue of vacation-homelessness has come to the forefront of Chattanooga politics in a time when a panhandling ordinance has been proposed and a new council was formed to tackle homelessness.

“It’s the American dream to raise a family in a beautiful house,” said Brimble-Scrivener. “And what’s twice as American as that? Having two beautiful houses.”

“Please, for heaven’s sake, let’s help these poor dirt-eating peasants who only have the one house,” said Brimble-Scrivener.

Chattanooga Police app includes “Hot Cop” slideshow feature

The Chattanooga Police Department (CPD) unveiled its new mobile app this afternoon on Facebook Live and demonstrated several of its features, including the ability to submit anonymous tips, use crime maps and view a “Hot Cop” slideshow of alluring local officers.

“You have the right to remain sexy,” said Chattanooga Police Chief Pat Murkaster to a photo on the mobile phone in his hand, during the live demonstration of the app. “There are some things – or people – you wouldn’t mind being held against you in a court of law.”

“We are proud to have many brave officers on our police force, who all happen to have smokin’ hot bods,” said Murkaster.

“Now, get a load of these guns,” said Murkaster, who pointed to a row of male officers who ripped off their shirts, revealing their chiseled torsos, and started writhing to the sounds of “Hot Cop” by Village People.

Hipster lanes to be added to MLK Boulevard

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The Chattanooga Department of Transportation announced today that eastbound and westbound hipster lanes would be added to a section of East M.L. King Boulevard as part of its repaving project.

“It’s no secret that hipsters have overrun Chattanooga,” said Kelly Dowdeshell, the Chattanooga Department of Transportation’s administrator. “Adding hipster lanes will only improve the traffic flow on East M.L. King, as hipsters go from one craft beer bar to the next.”

Dowdeshell explained that the enforcement of hipster lanes will be aided by cameras, similar to the way some carpool lanes are monitored to ensure that only high-occupancy vehicles are using them.

“It’s not enough to simply ride a bike in these hipster lanes,” said Dowdeshell. “Your bike must be a fixie, a unicycle or one of those old-timey bikes with the giant front wheel.”

“And if you’re riding an old-timey bike, then you must have either a Grizzly Adams beard or a handlebar mustache, sculpted with artisanal mustache wax,” said Dowdeshell. “Minimum two inches long.”

Hipster lanes are also open to hipsters wearing roller skates – quad skates or rollerblades – or even hipsters who choose to walk, as long as they are power-walking, prancercising or wearing ’80s-style neon leggings or skinny jeans that make their legs resemble engorged sausage casings.

“We can’t reveal our dress-code standards for hipster women, because poseurs will totally steal our latest styles,” said Dowdeshell. “But let me give you a hint: think blue-haired manic pixie dreamgirl or Grimes bangs, and you’ll do fine.”

Trump rushes to Dalton High to disarm teacher

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Two days after President Donald Trump said that he would have run unarmed into the Florida high school where the Parkland mass shooting occurred, he stormed into Dalton High School to disarm a teacher who had shot a bullet out a window using only his bare hands.

White House staffers said that upon hearing the news about the teacher, Trump demanded that Air Force One fly him to Dalton, Ga. so he could deal with the situation singlehandedly.

On Air Force One, Trump’s wife Melania begged him not to go, saying, “Donnie, don’t be a hero.”

“It’s too late,” said Trump, right before he parachuted out of Air Force One, landing outside the window of the classroom where the Dalton High School teacher had barricaded himself.

According to school surveillance cameras, the 71-year-old Trump did a series of aerial cartwheels before jumping through the window, shattering the glass and ending with a perfectly executed dive roll.

Before the teacher realized what was happening, Trump grabbed a history textbook and threw it at his stomach, saying, “You’re history, Teach.”

Trump then used his Muay Thai kickboxing skills to deliver a fierce jump kick to the teacher’s face, followed by a spinning backfist punch.

“Class dismissed,” said Trump.

Mayor Berke changes name to “Andy Bitcoin”

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At a press conference yesterday, Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke announced that he had changed his name to “Andy Bitcoin.”

“Boom!” said Berke, who arrived at the press conference riding a hoverboard and wearing futuristic wrap-around sunglasses and a shiny suit made of Mylar-like material. “Now that’s what I call the sound of a disruptive re-branding!”

“Whenever there’s something, like the cryptocurrency Bitcoin, that makes lots of money and isn’t easily understood, people think it’s sexy,” said Berke. “Just like me. Andy Bitcoin. Boom!”

Berke’s name change comes at a time when cryptocurrencies based on blockchain technology like Bitcoin have captured the public’s attention, and several businesses have begun to take advantage of this, including the company Long Island Iced Tea Corp. which changed its name to Long Blockchain Corp.

“You see, with the Innovation District, I simply re-named an area of town that already had a high concentration of innovative companies and facilities, like EPB, the Public Library and the Edney Building,” said Berke. “Similarly, with my new name, I’m riding high on an already existing giant wave, just like I rode in here on this sick hoverboard.”

“People ask, is this growth sustainable? How high will rent prices get?” said Berke. “All I know is that it’s unstoppable, just like me! Just like a big bubble that keeps growing and growing.”

Trump names The Brian Joyce as his favorite Twitter account

After viewing a series of shitty posts towards peers by a local Chattanooga radio personality, President Donald Trump announced he has named The Brian Joyce his favorite twitter account.

Experts believe Joyce might secretly be someone’s creepy uncle, complete with skewed political views, but way into Starbucks and massive amounts of kale due to some internal malfunction. This and way overblown narcissism is what many believe brought the account to Trump’s attention.

“The way he blows himself with self-written biographies and use of the word pussy makes me poop tweet even harder at 4:00 in the morning,” explained Trump. “What’s even better is the way he regurgitates the same days old liberal talking points, but in a way that sounds like he came up with them. I don’t even have to look at multiple places to get my material. Truly big league!”

Station Street renamed Vomit Alley after open-container ordinance passes

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After the Chattanooga City Council passed an ordinance yesterday allowing people of legal drinking age to carry open containers on Station Street next to the Choo-Choo, another measure was approved to change the name of the street to “Vomit Alley.”

“We just wanted to be honest with what we’re getting into,” said the Council in a written statement. “After a seemingly endless night of downing brightly colored margaritas, it’s inevitable that at least a few heavy drinkers will let out some liquid laughter, adding to a rainbow river that flows down the street.”

“It’s just more fun to drink outside,” said resident Carl Fetsing. “Kind of like peeing outside is more fun. And with this new ordinance, we’ll definitely be seeing more of both.”

Roy Exum defends Roy Moore as member of “Brotherhood of Roys”

Chattanoogan.com commentator Roy Exum defended Roy Moore, the Alabama Republican nominee for the U.S. Senate, amid accusations that Moore initiated sexual contact with a 14-year-old girl in 1979, citing solidarity as a member of a centuries-old secret society called “The Brotherhood of Roys.”

This comes in the wake of a bombshell story published by the Washington Post about alleged encounters Moore had with four teenagers when Moore was in his early 30s, which Moore denies.

“We Roys need to stick together, through the thick and thin,” said Exum, who was wearing a long, purple velvet cloak.

“If Roy said that the story about him wearing tighty-whities and fondling a 14-year-old girl is completely false, well, I just have to believe him,” said Exum, who was carrying an ornate, bejeweled scepter with a live falcon perched on it. “Because that’s what we do in the Brotherhood, after we’ve gone through all 23 Roy Rites.”

Exum tied a small vial to one of the falcon’s talons and launched the falcon into the air, saying, “Fly! Fly this potion of strength to our Alabama brother!” before closing his eyes, lowering his head and making an “X” with his forearms.

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