Politics - Page 3

Bloomberg announces Monopoly Man as VP running mate

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At a rally today at the Bessie Smith Cultural Center in Chattanooga, Democratic billionaire presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg announced that he has selected the Monopoly Man as his running mate.

“This was a tough decision to make,” said Bloomberg, the former mayor of New York City who is the ninth richest person in the U.S.A. “But, he was the most qualified candidate for Vice President I could find, and by ‘most qualified’ I mean ‘most filthy stinking rich.'”

“Every night, he sleeps on a giant mountain of gold coins, and it’s true that he named his oldest daughter ‘Capital Gains,'” said Bloomberg about the Monopoly Man, also known as Rich Uncle Pennybags.

Bloomberg said that the Monopoly Man beat out other worthy Vice Presidential candidates that were under consideration, including Scrooge McDuck, Richie Rich, and a tiny metal top hat.

Repurposing Hershey’s syrup bottle as water bottle best thing a Republican has done in years

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Using a repurposed Hershey’s chocolate syrup bottle as a water bottle by Tennessee State Representative Kent Calfee has been widely recognized as the best thing a Republican has done in years.

“This is a grade A life-hack, my friends,” said local environmentalist Summer Starlight. “We should all be inspired to repurpose things that would otherwise end up in a landfill.”

“Bravo, Mr. Calfee, bravo, you magnificent nature-loving cheapskate,” said Starlight.

Calfee was later seen using an old sock as a reusable coffee filter.

Women’s Rally seeks men to manage next year’s event after low turnout

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After the Chattanooga Women’s Rally on Saturday experienced a low turnout of around 80 people, controversially changing its direction from a protest march to a non-activist event including a conservative speaker, organizers announced that it would be seeking men to manage next year’s event.

“Sometimes you just need a big, strong, smart man to open a jar or lift a heavy box or organize a women’s rally,” said rally coordinator Cheryl Harnland. “I get dizzy just thinking about it!”

This year’s controversial Women’s Rally was a spinoff of the International Women’s Marches, which were events protesting President Trump, and in 2017, the Chattanooga Women’s March had around 3,000 participants.

The organizers changed the focus of the event this year to commemorate the centennial of the 19th Amendment, rather than having a protest march, and this change received significant criticism, since it included having state Representative Robin Smith (R-Hixson) speak, whose non-progressive voting record on social issues including LGBT rights, abortion and health care was considered to be anti-feminist.

“We’ll let the boys figure it out for next year’s rally, but one thing we definitely want next time is a big singalong version of ‘Kumbaya’ while everyone holds hands,” said Harnland. “Someone also suggested a wet t-shirt contest, which might be fun.”

Heartwarming: Hwy 27 workers pass down skills to kids, grandkids so they can complete Hwy 27 project

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Like a father teaching his son how to shave, construction workers on the delayed Highway 27 project have started teaching their children and grandchildren the skills they will need to complete the project.

Although the work was scheduled to have a January 28, 2020 completion date, that deadline will not be met, and an extension was granted, citing several unforeseen issues such as unusually pleasant weather in December, the release of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare, and Kayne West dropping his surprise album Jesus Is Born on Christmas Day.

“Don’t rightly know when we’ll finish this highway, but by gum, I’m going to teach my boys how to mix a mean batch of concrete, just like my daddy taught me when he began this project,” said construction worker Travis Rillner.

All city areas to be renamed after New York City neighborhoods

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An agreement between the city of Chattanooga and local developers was made to gradually rename all parts of Chattanooga after New York City neighborhoods.

“The ‘West Village’ of Chattanooga was our test run, and it has been a resounding success,” said local developer Trudy Bendberry. “When you stroll past the outdoor ‘ARTSY’ word sculpture, you feel like you are transported to the urban bohemia of west Greenwich Village, but without the jazz clubs or bustling art scene or beatnik coffeehouses or really any cultural identity.”

It was clarified that any area that already bears the name of a New York City neighborhood, past or present, is exempt from the ordinance, such as the “Five Points” apartment complex on the Northshore.

“We are going to have fun with this,” said Bendberry. “Miller Park will be renamed ‘Central Park,’ the area near Market and Main Street will be ‘Times Square,’ and the Innovation District will be renamed ‘Battery Park,’ because, you know, tech gadgets and smartphones run off batteries.”

“SoHo, the Bowery, Tribeca, Harlem, Chinatown,” said Bendberry. “All just ripe for the pickin’.”

BREAKING: City Council rules all businesses must include “nooga” in their name

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After weeks of controversial debates over the new ordinance, members of the Chattanooga City Council unanimously voted to require all area businesses to include the word “nooga” in their name.

Sources say the new ordinance will include a fee that new businesses must pay, which will go towards renewing the license on the Chatype font, including this website.

“My wife and I opened our Northshore store selling everything from codpieces to douches labeled with “nooga” ever since we moved to the fast internet gig city over 10 weeks ago,” explained business owner Darryl Noog. “I think it’s great that small business owners are forced to show their love for the hashtag noogastrong city.”

Ala. lawmakers declare life begins when stork kisses bee in cabbage patch

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Alabama state legislators passed a controversial bill today declaring that human life begins when a stork kisses a bee in a cabbage patch.

“According to our best male scientists, who have a deep understanding of the human reproductive system, a baby is created when a man and a woman love each other very much, and they hold hands,” said state legislator Bud Holleren. “Watching from Heaven, Jesus sees this and sends a stork down to earth, where it kisses a honeybee in a cabbage patch, and wham, you’ve got yourself a baby – a precious little sugar dumpling.”

“Human life begins right at that moment, in the cabbage patch,” said Holleren. “Someone told me you can make a baby by carving a hole into a head of cabbage and then sticking your wang-dang-doodle in the hole, but I tried it, and although it was fun, it didn’t work.”

Police recommend putting nacho cheese in pockets to thwart pickpockets

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After video footage was released of a pickpocket stealing a woman’s phone at a convenience store, Chattanooga Police recommended that people put nacho cheese in their pockets to discourage theft.

“Don’t be a victim, especially to some douchebag thief who dresses like Silent Bob’s friend Jay,” said officer Terry Maptrost. “The best way to thwart would-be pickpockets is to fill your pockets with nacho cheese.”

Maptrost advised that any liquid cheese would do the job and said that using slices of American cheese was not recommended.

“You’ll also want to avoid hard cheeses, like Pecorino, cheddar or Gouda,” said Maptrost. “Ladies, just squirt a few pumps of nacho cheese into your purse, and you’re good to go.”

“Imagine the look on some jerkwad’s face when he withdraws his hand from your pocket, not holding a wallet, but covered with warm, gooey nacho cheese,” said Maptrost. “Busted! This is na-cho lucky day, sucka.”

Fleischmann changes stance on border wall after listening to Pink Floyd’s “The Wall”

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Congressman Chuck Fleischmann withdrew his support for the proposed Mexican border wall after listening to the concept album “The Wall” created by the British rock band Pink Floyd.

The change occurred while Rep. Fleischmann and Tennessee Governor Bill Lee were roadtripping from Washington, D.C. back to Tennessee, after Lee was Fleischmann’s guest at last night’s State of the Union Address from President Trump.

“Bill and I wanted to get some quality bro-time in, so we decided to roadtrip back together,” said Fleischmann. “Bill grabbed a stack of tapes, a few bags of Takis and a 6-pack of Faygo, and we were good to go.”

“After a Creedence tape, we got to Pink Floyd’s ‘The Wall,’ which I had never heard before,” said Fleischmann. “Man, that album blew my mind.”

“It got me thinking: is this proposed Mexican border wall really for protection, or is it merely the reflection of our troubled psyche, bearing scars of humiliating childhood traumas, betrayal and relationship turmoil?” said Fleischmann. “Maybe the combination of Takis and Faygo had something to do with it, but listening to that album made me realize that each of us is building a wall, right inside our soul.”

Fleischmann announced plans to have another spiritual quest, involving eating large amounts of spicy corn chips and listening to Pink Floyd’s “Money,” in order to help develop a new economic policy.

City bans IPAs to address racial displacement issue

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After Chattanooga Organized for Action (COA) released a report about racial displacement in and around the downtown area, the city passed an ordinance to temporarily ban craft beers of the India Pale Ale (IPA) variety.

In the last year alone, local craft breweries introduced over 300 new IPA varieties, and social scientists commonly use the number of local IPAs as a metric when determining the level of gentrification that has occurred in a specific area.

“It’s a complicated issue, but you can’t argue with statistics,” said local sociologist Cris Tutweill. “Affluent, educated people can’t get enough of those hoppy Pine-Sol bong-water brews.”

COA’s report pointed out that one of the largest declines in African-American homeownership in the country happened in Chattanooga between 2005 and 2015, and neighborhoods that saw an influx of over 5,000 white residents simultaneously lost over 2,500 African-Americans.

“This seems like a drastic measure, but surveys have shown that 85% of craft beer drinkers are white, and by golly, we’ve got to try something,” said Tutweill. “If this doesn’t work, maybe we can ban saisons.”

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