Are you one of many parents looking for answers on why the flu outbreak was so bad this past winter? Look no further than the electronics department of the Hamilton Place Wal-Mart.
The Hamilton County Police Department and city scientists have traced the flu source to a Apple display that prominently features one of its flagship products, the iPad.
“There’s at least 300 to 400 little snot-nosed shits touching all over that thing” electronics department day shift associate Ken Michaels declared, “it’s like a canvas for these kids, if one were to use snot instead of finger paint.”
The 2012-2013 Flu season is on track to become one of the worst outbreaks in history. Many schools were forced to close their doors due to the sheer numbers of students, teachers, and bus drivers that had been diagnosed with the virus. Some school districts even had school buses that had previously transported flu-infected passengers incinerated.
“After many man hours and fine detective work, we have come to the conclusion that this iPad is the culprit of the influenza outbreak.” Detective Joe Rodreguz explained, while pointing to the iPad in question. “The only way can assure the fine people of Chattanooga that this doesn’t happen again is for all little snot-nosed shits to be fully sanitized when entering our stores, or for parents to quit dumping their kids off while shopping.”