Education - Page 4

Samuel L. Jackson addresses motherf-cking snake problem at Brainerd High School

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Samuel L. Jackson (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/5d5Lww)
Samuel L. Jackson (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/5d5Lww)

One week ago, it was reported that Brainerd High School experienced sightings of snakes, after a replacement of the facility’s heating and air conditioning system had spurred rodents to enter the school to search for food, followed by snakes who hunted for rodents.

One former Chattanooga resident has been unhappy and vocal about the situation, prompting the Hamilton County School system to take quick action with exterminators to eliminate the snake problem.

“Enough is enough,” said actor Samuel L. Jackson, who was raised in Chattanooga. “I have had it with these motherf-cking snakes in this motherf-cking school!”

Some residents opposed the use of exterminators to kill the snakes, citing alternate, more humane methods, but Jackson expressed a hardline stance against the snakes.

“Yes they deserve to die,” said Jackson. “And I hope they burn in hell!”

Jackson, who serves as narrator for an orientation film for the new Chattanooga History Center slated to open in 2014, offered to help with the extermination efforts himself.

“I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers,” said Jackson. “And you will know my name is Samuel L. Motherf-cking Jackson when I lay my vengeance upon thee.”

Hamilton County schools update sex ed with masturbation curriculum

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Sex education (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/9bdKPW)
Sex education (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/9bdKPW)

For decades, sex education has been entrenched in public schools for adolescent students, addressing topics including teenage pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases and birth control, and with a new initiative, the subject of efficient masturbation will also be taught as part of the curriculum in Hamilton County schools.

The program, entitled “Get Off and Get On with Your Life,” teaches male and female students how to perform swift, efficient and satisfying self-gratification, so that the students have more free time for other activities.

“Studies have shown that, on average, teenagers spend 41% of their spare time masturbating,” said Hamilton County Schools Director of Health Dr. Muffy Hardin to The Chattanooga Bystander. “These studies have also shown that most teenagers are doing it in a grossly inefficient manner. This is time that could be spent playing sports, studying or socializing.”

“There are also environmental benefits to this initiative,” said Hardin. “Millions of gallons of water are wasted every year by teenagers who either take unnecessarily long showers or turn on the faucet in order to drown out the sounds of masturbation.”

Masturbation has long been a highly controversial topic in public discourse. Former Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders drew criticism in 1994 and was fired for suggesting that masturbation be promoted, saying, “I think that it is part of human sexuality, and perhaps it should be taught,” and the Chattanooga Times Free Press refused to publish a column last month written by former editor Drew Johnson which described the benefits of online pornography, including reduced occurrences of rape and sexual assault and lower rates of divorce and teenage pregnancy.

“While most parents have the ‘birds and the bees’ talk with their children at some point, almost all are understandably reluctant to discuss the topic of masturbation,” said Hardin.

Dr. Hardin received her medical degree from Johns Hopkins University and was a researcher at the Kinsey Institute for six years, and under the stage name “Sindee McPooncooter,” Hardin has starred in adult films including The League of Extraordinarily Large Gentlemen, Tricks Up the Wizard’s Sleeve 34 and The Curious Case of Benjamin Butthole.

“The curriculum will be the first of its kind in a public-school setting in the United States, and the coursework is extensive,” said Hardin. “Girls will be taught the benefits of using the proper equipment, such as a Hitachi Magic Wand, Vibrating Egg or Magic Bullet. I hope no girl in this country will ever use a hairbrush handle instead of a proper simulacrum.”

“Boys will be taught proper grip technique,” said Hardin. “We will teach why the ‘death grip’ should be avoided, unless the student wants a nickname such as ‘Captain Hook’ in later life.”

“Teenagers also waste valuable hours scouring the web for pictures and videos, when perfectly serviceable material is often right at hand,” said Hardin. “Our curriculum will demonstrate that your mother’s Lane Bryant catalog on the coffee table will do in a pinch.”

Obama visits Normal Park school, lets honor student conduct drone strike

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Drone
Drone

During President Barack Obama’s one-day visit to Chattanooga, he stopped by the Normal Park Museum Magnet School in North Chattanooga to speak with students about maintaining peace in the world, even allowing one honor student to conduct a remote drone strike in Pakistan.

“As the recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize in 2009, I know a thing or two about peace,” said Obama to the auditorium full of elementary and middle school students. “And it is a great paradox of life that you must make war to have peace.”

“Now who in here likes video games?” asked Obama, who was met with an enthusiastic room full of raised hands.

The school principal led the top 7th grade honor student, Toby McBartleby, toward the stage, where multiple video screens and control joysticks were set up, to the sound of cheers and applause from his fellow classmates.

“Now Toby, this is just like playing a game on your Xbox, only this is a real aircraft flying over Pakistan that you’re piloting, thousands of miles away,” explained Obama. “See that speck? Now move the crosshairs over that speck, and then pull the trigger.”

“Got him!” said Obama. “Congratulations, Toby, that was probably a terrorist that you just killed.”

Obama heard the sound of someone clearing his throat and looked behind him, at two Secret Service agents wearing dark suits and sunglasses, who were both shaking their heads from side-to-side.

“I mean, that terrorist you just…tickled,” said Obama. “To death.”

Chattanooga Area Schools Winter Flu Outbreak Traced to Wal-Mart iPad Display

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Are you one of many parents looking for answers on why the flu outbreak was so bad this past winter? Look no further than the electronics department of the Hamilton Place Wal-Mart.

 

The Hamilton County Police Department and city scientists have traced the flu source to a Apple display that prominently features one of its flagship products, the iPad.

 

“There’s at least 300 to 400 little snot-nosed shits touching all over that thing” electronics department day shift associate Ken Michaels declared, “it’s like a canvas for these kids, if one were to use snot instead of finger paint.”

 

ipadThe 2012-2013 Flu season is on track to become one of the worst outbreaks in history. Many schools were forced to close their doors due to the sheer numbers of students, teachers, and bus drivers that had been diagnosed with the virus. Some school districts even had school buses that had previously transported flu-infected passengers incinerated.

“After many man hours and fine detective work, we have come to the conclusion that this iPad is the culprit of the influenza outbreak.” Detective Joe Rodreguz explained, while pointing to the iPad in question. “The only way can assure the fine people of Chattanooga that this doesn’t happen again is for all little snot-nosed shits to be fully sanitized when entering our stores, or for parents to quit dumping their kids off while shopping.”

Amazon, Chattanooga State to make city hub of expertise for “Walking Around and Picking Up Stuff”

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Amazon logo
Amazon logo

Following the success of the two Amazon Distribution Centers established in 2011 in Chattanooga and Cleveland, Tenn., which employ over two-thousand workers, Chattanooga State Community College has announced a new two-year degree, developed with the cooperation of Amazon, in order to keep up with the demand for specially skilled employees in the area.

Chattanooga State Provost Dr. Annise J. Zaffre explained at a press conference yesterday afternoon that the two-year degree, Associate of Walking Around and Picking Up Stuff (AWAPUS), features an intense, accelerated curriculum.

The first-year coursework concentrates on the finer points of the core competency of walking around, drawing from both the Stuttgart school of thought on the subject, and the opposing methods outlined by Danish walking expert Morten Sørensen-Rasmussen in his controversial 1980 treatise Kunsten at Gå: Et Skridt Fører til en Anden.

The second-year coursework expands upon the techniques and philosophies explored in the student’s first year, adding the proficiency of picking up stuff with weekly lab sessions, allowing students to practice their picking-up skills in a controlled laboratory environment before attempting them in a real industrial setting.

“Silicon Valley is known for its billion-dollar high-tech businesses. Dalton, Georgia is known for its vast carpeting expertise,” said Zaffre. “We hope, a few years from now, when people think about walking around and picking up stuff, they’ll think of Chattanooga.”

Students interested in registering for the degree program may visit the Chattanooga State campus and pick up a course catalog, featuring a stock photograph of a smiling female wearing business casual attire on its cover.

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