Education - Page 2

After the Tennessee General Assembly passed a bill to defund the University of Tennessee’s Office for Diversity and Inclusion, it announced that in its place, it would establish an “Office of Conformity.”

“One of the most important developments of industrial manufacturing is interchangeable parts, which made mass production possible,” said Adam Whitener, the new director of the Office of Conformity. “If we humans were to become more like interchangeable parts, then the world would become a lot more efficient, and efficiency is always a good thing, right?”

“You are not a special snowflake,” said Whitener. “That’s our slogan, actually.”

“We encourage conformity among students and citizens to make things easier, from speaking the same language to wearing the same clothes,” said Whitener. “People are overwhelmed with choices nowadays, anyway. Just look at the toothpaste aisle at a store. We don’t need 65 different types of toothpaste.”

“We are all Tennesseans. We are all Vols. Orange lives matter,” said Whitener.

The bill also affects the UT Pride Center, which may have to consider making some changes to its operation and also its name.

“Pride is one of the seven deadly sins,” said Whitener. “If we have a Pride Center, then what’s next, a Gluttony Center?”

Another result of the bill is that UTK’s event Sex Week, funded using student fees and private contributions, may have to change its name to “Matrimonial Intercourse in the Missionary Position Week.”

“Let’s just keep it simple: one ding-a-ling, one hoo-ha, and one position,” said Whitener.

Hamilton County Schools Superintendent Rick Smith announced today at a press conference that he would provide clear, prompt communication to the school board about his vacation plans.

“It is my solemn duty to keep the school board and the public informed about how I spend my vacation,” said Smith, who would be on leave before retiring on July 1. “I’ll post selfies every day to Facebook and Instagram, whether I am on the beach in Cancun or riding my four-wheeler through the mud in my backyard.”

“At the end of each day, I will provide metrics regarding how many beers I drank and how many chicken wings I ate,” said Smith, who was wearing sunglasses, shorts and a Kid Rock t-shirt.

“My personal best is 62 wings in one sitting,” said Smith proudly. “And those were hot wings. Breaded.”

Smith was criticized for waiting over two and a half weeks before holding a news conference to inform the public about the Ooltewah High School basketball team rape case and withholding from the school board for several months a highly critical report from the Tennessee Department of Education about the poor academic progress of the five lowest-performing Hamilton County schools.

Last week, the school board voted to not grant a $269,000 buy-out of Smith’s contract, and even without a buy-out package, Smith will receive a pension of approximately $95,000 a year, plus more than $234,000 in vacation pay.

“Spring break starts early for this guy,” said Smith, while pointing at himself with his thumbs. “After this press conference, I’m heading down to Daytona Beach to work on my tan.”

“Spring break! Woo!” said Smith, before pulling up his shirt to reveal his chest.

After several months of turmoil, Ooltewah High School announced that it would change its name to “Oolte-WTF High School.”

“Sweet Jesus, this has been a wild ride,” said principal Tracy Cayrns while walking amid chaos that resembled a scene from the film Red Dawn. “We’re just going to be honest with everyone and change our name to reflect what a batshit-crazy place this school has become.”

In addition to the high-profile Ooltewah basketball team rape case, last week the majority of students was absent due to three shooting threats that were written on bathroom walls, and yesterday, a police report was filed regarding an Ooltewah football coach who allegedly sent nude pictures to a 17-year-old student and made plans to have sexual intercourse.

“I’m sure one day, things will be back to normal, but until then, just call us Oolte-WHAT…THE…FUUUU,” said Cayrns as a group of bears had just been spotted running into the school.

The Hamilton County Board of Education announced yesterday afternoon that it would seek a replacement for Superintendent Rick Smith by using a local temp agency.

Smith was criticized for his handling of the Ooltewah High School rape case, and his attorney negotiated a half-million-dollar buyout package that was opposed by several board members including Rhonda Thurman who believed that Smith could be fired.

“We are sick of this buyout bullshit,” said one school board member. “Next time, we are going with a temp worker, so if they royally screw up, we’ll just hand them an empty cardboard box and tell them to gather their things and hit the bricks, pal. Welcome to Unemployment City. Population: you.”

“You’ve got to make sure they don’t take a handful of pens right before they leave,” said another board member. “Or touch Karitsa’s stash of La Croix in the communal fridge.”

A previous Hamilton County superintendent, Jim Scales, was offered a $282,000 buyout in 2011.

Some local leaders have called for the new interim superintendent to be an outsider, to place distance between the Ooltewah scandal and the school administration, and the strategy to go with a temp worker is in line with that idea.

“We will have high standards for the new superintendent,” said the school board. “He or she must be able to use Microsoft Word and type at least 40 words-per-minute. No exceptions.”