Education - Page 2

Tenn. defunds UT diversity office, establishes Office of Conformity

Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source:
Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source:

After the Tennessee General Assembly passed a bill to defund the University of Tennessee’s Office for Diversity and Inclusion, it announced that in its place, it would establish an “Office of Conformity.”

“One of the most important developments of industrial manufacturing is interchangeable parts, which made mass production possible,” said Adam Whitener, the new director of the Office of Conformity. “If we humans were to become more like interchangeable parts, then the world would become a lot more efficient, and efficiency is always a good thing, right?”

“You are not a special snowflake,” said Whitener. “That’s our slogan, actually.”

“We encourage conformity among students and citizens to make things easier, from speaking the same language to wearing the same clothes,” said Whitener. “People are overwhelmed with choices nowadays, anyway. Just look at the toothpaste aisle at a store. We don’t need 65 different types of toothpaste.”

“We are all Tennesseans. We are all Vols. Orange lives matter,” said Whitener.

The bill also affects the UT Pride Center, which may have to consider making some changes to its operation and also its name.

“Pride is one of the seven deadly sins,” said Whitener. “If we have a Pride Center, then what’s next, a Gluttony Center?”

Another result of the bill is that UTK’s event Sex Week, funded using student fees and private contributions, may have to change its name to “Matrimonial Intercourse in the Missionary Position Week.”

“Let’s just keep it simple: one ding-a-ling, one hoo-ha, and one position,” said Whitener.

Gun-carrying professors must provide “trigger warning” before shooting students


Gun (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source:
Gun (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source:
A controversial new Tennessee law passed earlier this week, allowing educators to carry handguns at public state universities and colleges starting July 1, but an amendment yesterday to the legislation requires that they must provide “trigger warnings” before shooting students.

“Trigger warnings are typically provided before frank discussions of potentially traumatic subjects, such as abuse and rape,” said law expert Netta Gertson. “With this new law, it’s only fair that a professor provides a warning before discharging a firearm into a student, for whatever reason.”

Supporters of the law argue that it provides extra safety on campuses and allows people to defend themselves, while opponents – including students, faculty, administrators and police chiefs – disagree and say it would interfere with how active shooter situations are handled by the police.

This amendment came on the 46th anniversary of the shootings at Kent State, where four students were killed by guardsmen and nine others were wounded.

“This special type of trigger warning is essentially saying, ‘Something violent is going to happen real soon, in your face, sucka,'” said Gertson. “Maybe the student is always late for class, or doesn’t participate in class discussions enough.”

New Tenn. bill makes transgender students wear adult diapers


After the “bathroom bill” passed in a Tennessee House panel that would require transgender students to use bathrooms that correspond with the gender on their birth certificates, new legislation was proposed that would make transgender students wear adult diapers instead of using bathroom facilities.

Civil rights and LGBT advocacy groups have opposed the bathroom bill, which has also raised concerns about the possibility of losing federal education funding, and the new “diaper bill” has proven to be even more controversial.

“We just want everyone to be comfortable,” said Rep. Pat Augusteen, the House sponsor of the diaper bill. “I believe that it would be hard to take a tinkle if RuPaul is standing next to you at a row of urinals.”

“Besides, think of the convenience and all the time those transgender students would save,” said Augusteen. “They could drop a load, right during a class, and just keep on taking notes like nothing happened.”

“This isn’t like having separate water fountains,” said Augusteen. “It’s like transgender people would each be getting their own personal, portable water fountain.”

Superintendent Rick Smith to provide clear, prompt communication about vacation plans

Rick Smith on spring break (Modified under CC-BY-SA-2.0. Source:
Rick Smith on spring break (Modified under CC-BY-SA-2.0. Source:

Hamilton County Schools Superintendent Rick Smith announced today at a press conference that he would provide clear, prompt communication to the school board about his vacation plans.

“It is my solemn duty to keep the school board and the public informed about how I spend my vacation,” said Smith, who would be on leave before retiring on July 1. “I’ll post selfies every day to Facebook and Instagram, whether I am on the beach in Cancun or riding my four-wheeler through the mud in my backyard.”

“At the end of each day, I will provide metrics regarding how many beers I drank and how many chicken wings I ate,” said Smith, who was wearing sunglasses, shorts and a Kid Rock t-shirt.

“My personal best is 62 wings in one sitting,” said Smith proudly. “And those were hot wings. Breaded.”

Smith was criticized for waiting over two and a half weeks before holding a news conference to inform the public about the Ooltewah High School basketball team rape case and withholding from the school board for several months a highly critical report from the Tennessee Department of Education about the poor academic progress of the five lowest-performing Hamilton County schools.

Last week, the school board voted to not grant a $269,000 buy-out of Smith’s contract, and even without a buy-out package, Smith will receive a pension of approximately $95,000 a year, plus more than $234,000 in vacation pay.

“Spring break starts early for this guy,” said Smith, while pointing at himself with his thumbs. “After this press conference, I’m heading down to Daytona Beach to work on my tan.”

“Spring break! Woo!” said Smith, before pulling up his shirt to reveal his chest.

Turmoil-ridden Ooltewah High changes name to Oolte-WTF

After several months of turmoil, Ooltewah High School announced that it would change its name to “Oolte-WTF High School.”

“Sweet Jesus, this has been a wild ride,” said principal Tracy Cayrns while walking amid chaos that resembled a scene from the film Red Dawn. “We’re just going to be honest with everyone and change our name to reflect what a batshit-crazy place this school has become.”

In addition to the high-profile Ooltewah basketball team rape case, last week the majority of students was absent due to three shooting threats that were written on bathroom walls, and yesterday, a police report was filed regarding an Ooltewah football coach who allegedly sent nude pictures to a 17-year-old student and made plans to have sexual intercourse.

“I’m sure one day, things will be back to normal, but until then, just call us Oolte-WHAT…THE…FUUUU,” said Cayrns as a group of bears had just been spotted running into the school.

School board to hire new superintendent from temp agency

Office temp workers (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source:
Office temp workers (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source:

The Hamilton County Board of Education announced yesterday afternoon that it would seek a replacement for Superintendent Rick Smith by using a local temp agency.

Smith was criticized for his handling of the Ooltewah High School rape case, and his attorney negotiated a half-million-dollar buyout package that was opposed by several board members including Rhonda Thurman who believed that Smith could be fired.

“We are sick of this buyout bullshit,” said one school board member. “Next time, we are going with a temp worker, so if they royally screw up, we’ll just hand them an empty cardboard box and tell them to gather their things and hit the bricks, pal. Welcome to Unemployment City. Population: you.”

“You’ve got to make sure they don’t take a handful of pens right before they leave,” said another board member. “Or touch Karitsa’s stash of La Croix in the communal fridge.”

A previous Hamilton County superintendent, Jim Scales, was offered a $282,000 buyout in 2011.

Some local leaders have called for the new interim superintendent to be an outsider, to place distance between the Ooltewah scandal and the school administration, and the strategy to go with a temp worker is in line with that idea.

“We will have high standards for the new superintendent,” said the school board. “He or she must be able to use Microsoft Word and type at least 40 words-per-minute. No exceptions.”

Gatlinburg detective to host new TV show “Kids Do the Stupidest Things”


Gatlinburg Police Detective Rodney Burns, who became a controversial figure in the Ooltewah High School basketball hazing case for his statement that what happened was not sexual assault but “something stupid kids do,” announced that he accepted a job as a host of a new television show called “Kids Do the Stupidest Things.”

“It’s going to be a cross between ‘Kids Say the Darndest Things,’ ‘America’s Funniest Home Videos,’ and [the prison drama] ‘Oz,'” said Burns. “Three of my favorite comedy shows.”

Burns was sharply criticized by many in the community, including Police Chief Fred Fletcher and State Senator Todd Gardenhire, for his viewpoint that rape must involve sexual gratification, which does not align with Tennessee law.

“You’re going to see a lot of horsing around and shenanigans on my new show,” said Burns. “Get a load of those stupid kids!”

Coaches believed accused Ooltewah basketball players “just really bad at pool”

Pool table (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source:
Pool table (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source:

Before charges against Ooltewah High School boys’ basketball coaches and athletic director were sent today to the Hamilton County Grand Jury, due to the failure to report suspected child abuse that occurred last December, including the alleged sexual assault of a freshman by three of his teammates involving a pool cue stick, the coaches stated that they initially believed that the basketball players were “just really bad at pool.”

“We didn’t report any child abuse to the Department of Children’s Services, because we just thought they were playing some pool,” said one of the officials. “Statistically, if you play a lot of pool, it’s just a matter of time before a cue stick accidentally ends up where the sun don’t shine.”

Critics have pointed out the “code of silence” perpetuated by school administrators within a culture of negligence, to discourage faculty from reporting child abuse.

“Look, these players are really good at basketball, but frankly, they absolutely suck at pool,” said another official. “It’s an honest mistake.”

Transgender comedian Ann Coulter entertains UTC campus

Comedian Ann Coulter (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source:
Comedian Ann Coulter (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source:

The popular transgender comedian Ann Coulter (born Andrew Hart Coulter in 1961) entertained the campus of the University of Tennessee Chattanooga (UTC) today, delivering her edgy stand-up act as a satirical ultra-conservative figure, in the same vein as Stephen Colbert of The Colbert Report television show and columnist Ed Anger of the Weekly World News tabloid.

Originally slated to appear at the Comedy Catch, Coulter’s set was relocated to the UTC campus, and one day after the Tennessee Valley LGBT Pride march, her brave appearance served as a milestone in UTC’s history, marking the first time a transgender comedian has appeared at the university.

During her riotous stand-up set, Coulter addressed a heckler by saying, “Grow a pair, babycakes,” while gesturing toward her own real testicles, which are purportedly the size of avocados.

Coulter frequently incorporates her transgender identity into her stand-up act, once saying, “I’m more of a man than any liberal,” and her side-splitting caricature of a hardcore right-wing pundit caused the audience to erupt with laughter throughout the performance.