Education - Page 3

New museum to document struggle to open Chattanooga History Center


Screen capture of Chattanooga History Center website in 2012
Screen capture of Chattanooga History Center website in 2012
At a press conference yesterday afternoon, it was announced that a new museum would open in Chattanooga next month that would tell the story of the struggle to complete the yet-to-be-opened Chattanooga History Center.

The new museum, called the Chattanooga History Center Center (CHCC), will document the ups and downs of the grueling, long-drawn-out ordeal to finance, build and open the new Chattanooga History Center that has been going on since 2009.

According to the Times Free Press, the updated Chattanooga History Center, located near the Tennessee Aquarium, was slated to open in 2012, but the opening date has been delayed several times and is now unknown, with current efforts seeking an additional $3.2 million in financing, above the initial $10.5 million goal.

“Visitors to the CHCC will be captivated by the tale of a true, modern-day epic struggle of a museum that is making history, literally,” said CHCC spokesperson Allyson Wheadin.

While the Chattanooga History Center has hired the prestigious and costly New York-based Ralph Appelbaum Associates for $1.86 million for exhibits that have yet to be made, the CHCC employed local sources for design and construction, resulting in a museum that was created ahead of schedule and under-budget.

Like the Chattanooga History Center, the CHCC hired actor and former Chattanooga resident Samuel L. Jackson to provide narration for exhibits.

At the entrance of the CHCC, visitors will be greeted by the voice of Jackson saying, “The Chattanooga History Center: when will this motherf-cking museum finally be open?”

Benevolent UTC fraternities encourage sororities to take Ice Bucket Challenge

Ice Bucket Challenge (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:
Ice Bucket Challenge (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:

In a remarkable show of altruism, fraternities at the University of Tennessee Chattanooga (UTC) have challenged local sororities to take the Ice Bucket Challenge to promote awareness of ALS, also known as Lou Gehrig’s disease.

“There has been some confusion about the Ice Bucket Challenge, with some people not knowing that it’s about ALS awareness,” said fraternity member and UTC senior Toby Glennerster. “That’s why we have made these special white t-shirts for the sorority sisters to wear during the challenge, that read ‘The ALS Ice Bucket Challenge gets me wet.'”

“We recommend that the sisters don’t wear colored or patterned bras under the shirts, because they can make the words hard to read,” said Glennerster. “It’s best to just not wear a bra. We want the message to be perfectly clear.”

“Also, the t-shirt maker only had petite-sized shirts,” said Glennerster. “Hope that’s OK.”

The Ice Bucket Challenge involves benefactors dumping buckets of ice water on themselves while pledging a donation toward ALS research and challenging others to do the same.

“Of course, having video documentation of these young women participating in philanthropy is absolutely essential,” said Glennerster. “A shaky smartphone video just won’t cut it. An occasion like this deserves multiple ultra high definition cameras, capturing every angle, so it can be played back in slow-motion with a Marvin Gaye soundtrack.”

“It’s all about charity,” said Glennerster.

Study: Chattanooga is most gullible city in nation

Chattanooga (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:
Chattanooga (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:

A study recently published in the American Journal of Psychology concluded that Chattanooga was the most gullible city in the nation.

The study was conducted over five years with over 9000 adult participants who resided in cities with populations of 100,000 or greater, with the cooperation of 35 colleges and universities, and it involved having the participants reading completely fictional news articles on websites and asking them if they believed that they were factual or not.

“We took the craziest conspiracy theories, the most ridiculous home remedies with absolutely no scientific basis, and also invented some of the most outrageously false political claims for this study,” said lead researcher Dr. Sandra Appleton. “And for some reason, Chattanoogans believed them all.”

“Apparently, if you put some statistics in an article, make the article’s syntax sound somewhat professional, and throw it up on a website, then people from Chattanooga will swear on their mothers’ graves that it’s true,” said Appleton.

“Celine Dion invented crack cocaine, Sriracha sauce enemas can cure prostate cancer, Vladimir Putin had a tail that was surgically removed ten years ago,” said Appleton. “At one point, we just pointed them to a ‘Chuck Norris facts’ website, and they still believed it all.”

“The interesting thing is, it didn’t matter if the participant was rich or poor, conservative or liberal, white or a person of color – everyone from Chattanooga was pretty gullible,” said Appleton. “Also, all Chattanooga participants were willing to sign a petition to have the word ‘gullible’ put into dictionaries.”

Bryan College requires staff to sacrifice first-born sons.

In a news release by Bryan College President Stephen Livesay, it was announced that all staff members must vow to sacrifice their first-born sons to stay employed by the school. Livesay explained the new requirement comes with Bryan’s new “bible or bust” policy.

Many believe the policy stems from the recent public Creationism vs. Evolution debates, featuring Creationist Museum founder Ken Ham and TV personality Bill Nye.

“I expect all faculty and staff to conduct themselves in a biblical manner, and we’re taking this shit old testament”, said Livesay.

Bryan staff has been given a March 31st deadline, in which they must bring their first-born sons to the school’s sacrifice grounds and complete the offering to President Livesay.


UTC to hold “Fuck Month” in April

In response to UT’S “sex week” controversy in recent weeks, a University of Tennessee Chattanooga spokesman announced plans for the school to host its first ever “fuck month” this April. UTC

“We all know college is pretty much a giant fuckfest with some studying in between, so why officially celebrate it for just a week? said UTC Fuck Month organizer Summer Nastanovich.

UTC event organizers announced large purchases of tarps, lube, saddles, and flavorful condoms have been made in preparation for upcoming festivities.

UTC to provide free megaphones to professors, students

Megaphone (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:
Megaphone (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:

In response to numerous requests for the administration of the University of Tennessee, Chattanooga (UTC) to deal with the issue of evangelical preacher Angela Cummings, a self-declared “saint” who has caused a stir with her outdoor, on-campus sermons, considered by many to be excessively loud and disruptive for nearby classes, UTC has implemented a new program to provide the use of megaphones for professors and students, free of charge.

“Our hands are pretty much tied,” said UTC provost Dr. Braden Hunniford at a press conference yesterday afternoon. “Rev. Cummings is exercising her First Amendment freedom-of-speech rights, so right now, we can’t do a thing to remove her from our campus or to shut her piehole.”

“But what we can do is give everyone these police-grade megaphones,” said Hunniford. “If it gets difficult to hear a professor’s lecture over this screeching harpy’s self-righteous yappings, then have the professor use one of these megaphones in order to be heard. It’s that simple.”

The issue received national attention in the last week after 24-year-old Colton Montvalo was arrested for disorderly conduct and other charges, who attempted to speak with Cummings after breaching a barricade surrounding her with his bicycle.

In addition to this, Hunniford described an effort to propose a new Constitutional Amendment which is gaining considerable traction, which would improve the original text of the First Amendment, by clarifying that “Congress shall make no law abridging the freedom of speech, unless it is that of Angela Cummings.”

Hamilton County Schools may turn to capital punishment if corporal punishment is dropped.

In a press conference this morning with Hamilton County Schools superintendent Rick Smith, it was announced that Chattanooga area schools would employ a capital punishment policy if forced to give up corporal punishment.

punishmentThe announcement comes after a recent nationwide debate on whether or not school officials should still be able to issue corporal punishment to rowdy and unruly students.  It was uncovered that Chattanooga area schools were using corporal punishment techniques such as bare-assed cat o’ nine tail whips and atomic wedgies.

“We must provide swift punishment to these shithead students who break the rules during school hours with their MTV twerking and facetagramming tweets,” explained Hamilton county superintendent Smith. “I believe students will think twice if faced with a trip to the gas chamber or an electric chair.”

Some parents of local students are all for the new capital punishment techniques. Many believe the old system of corporal punishment just wasn’t enough.

“My son Jeremy started looking forward to being called a slut and slapped around by his principal in front of the whole school,” said Hixson High School parent Sherry Miller. “I can only pray that the threat of standing before a firing squad will make him think twice before sagging his Levi’s”

Samuel L. Jackson addresses motherf-cking snake problem at Brainerd High School

Samuel L. Jackson (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source:
Samuel L. Jackson (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source:

One week ago, it was reported that Brainerd High School experienced sightings of snakes, after a replacement of the facility’s heating and air conditioning system had spurred rodents to enter the school to search for food, followed by snakes who hunted for rodents.

One former Chattanooga resident has been unhappy and vocal about the situation, prompting the Hamilton County School system to take quick action with exterminators to eliminate the snake problem.

“Enough is enough,” said actor Samuel L. Jackson, who was raised in Chattanooga. “I have had it with these motherf-cking snakes in this motherf-cking school!”

Some residents opposed the use of exterminators to kill the snakes, citing alternate, more humane methods, but Jackson expressed a hardline stance against the snakes.

“Yes they deserve to die,” said Jackson. “And I hope they burn in hell!”

Jackson, who serves as narrator for an orientation film for the new Chattanooga History Center slated to open in 2014, offered to help with the extermination efforts himself.

“I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers,” said Jackson. “And you will know my name is Samuel L. Motherf-cking Jackson when I lay my vengeance upon thee.”

Hamilton County schools update sex ed with masturbation curriculum

Sex education (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source:
Sex education (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source:

For decades, sex education has been entrenched in public schools for adolescent students, addressing topics including teenage pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases and birth control, and with a new initiative, the subject of efficient masturbation will also be taught as part of the curriculum in Hamilton County schools.

The program, entitled “Get Off and Get On with Your Life,” teaches male and female students how to perform swift, efficient and satisfying self-gratification, so that the students have more free time for other activities.

“Studies have shown that, on average, teenagers spend 41% of their spare time masturbating,” said Hamilton County Schools Director of Health Dr. Muffy Hardin to The Chattanooga Bystander. “These studies have also shown that most teenagers are doing it in a grossly inefficient manner. This is time that could be spent playing sports, studying or socializing.”

“There are also environmental benefits to this initiative,” said Hardin. “Millions of gallons of water are wasted every year by teenagers who either take unnecessarily long showers or turn on the faucet in order to drown out the sounds of masturbation.”

Masturbation has long been a highly controversial topic in public discourse. Former Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders drew criticism in 1994 and was fired for suggesting that masturbation be promoted, saying, “I think that it is part of human sexuality, and perhaps it should be taught,” and the Chattanooga Times Free Press refused to publish a column last month written by former editor Drew Johnson which described the benefits of online pornography, including reduced occurrences of rape and sexual assault and lower rates of divorce and teenage pregnancy.

“While most parents have the ‘birds and the bees’ talk with their children at some point, almost all are understandably reluctant to discuss the topic of masturbation,” said Hardin.

Dr. Hardin received her medical degree from Johns Hopkins University and was a researcher at the Kinsey Institute for six years, and under the stage name “Sindee McPooncooter,” Hardin has starred in adult films including The League of Extraordinarily Large Gentlemen, Tricks Up the Wizard’s Sleeve 34 and The Curious Case of Benjamin Butthole.

“The curriculum will be the first of its kind in a public-school setting in the United States, and the coursework is extensive,” said Hardin. “Girls will be taught the benefits of using the proper equipment, such as a Hitachi Magic Wand, Vibrating Egg or Magic Bullet. I hope no girl in this country will ever use a hairbrush handle instead of a proper simulacrum.”

“Boys will be taught proper grip technique,” said Hardin. “We will teach why the ‘death grip’ should be avoided, unless the student wants a nickname such as ‘Captain Hook’ in later life.”

“Teenagers also waste valuable hours scouring the web for pictures and videos, when perfectly serviceable material is often right at hand,” said Hardin. “Our curriculum will demonstrate that your mother’s Lane Bryant catalog on the coffee table will do in a pinch.”

Obama visits Normal Park school, lets honor student conduct drone strike


During President Barack Obama’s one-day visit to Chattanooga, he stopped by the Normal Park Museum Magnet School in North Chattanooga to speak with students about maintaining peace in the world, even allowing one honor student to conduct a remote drone strike in Pakistan.

“As the recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize in 2009, I know a thing or two about peace,” said Obama to the auditorium full of elementary and middle school students. “And it is a great paradox of life that you must make war to have peace.”

“Now who in here likes video games?” asked Obama, who was met with an enthusiastic room full of raised hands.

The school principal led the top 7th grade honor student, Toby McBartleby, toward the stage, where multiple video screens and control joysticks were set up, to the sound of cheers and applause from his fellow classmates.

“Now Toby, this is just like playing a game on your Xbox, only this is a real aircraft flying over Pakistan that you’re piloting, thousands of miles away,” explained Obama. “See that speck? Now move the crosshairs over that speck, and then pull the trigger.”

“Got him!” said Obama. “Congratulations, Toby, that was probably a terrorist that you just killed.”

Obama heard the sound of someone clearing his throat and looked behind him, at two Secret Service agents wearing dark suits and sunglasses, who were both shaking their heads from side-to-side.

“I mean, that terrorist you just…tickled,” said Obama. “To death.”