Education - Page 3

A study recently published in the American Journal of Psychology concluded that Chattanooga was the most gullible city in the nation.

The study was conducted over five years with over 9000 adult participants who resided in cities with populations of 100,000 or greater, with the cooperation of 35 colleges and universities, and it involved having the participants reading completely fictional news articles on websites and asking them if they believed that they were factual or not.

“We took the craziest conspiracy theories, the most ridiculous home remedies with absolutely no scientific basis, and also invented some of the most outrageously false political claims for this study,” said lead researcher Dr. Sandra Appleton. “And for some reason, Chattanoogans believed them all.”

“Apparently, if you put some statistics in an article, make the article’s syntax sound somewhat professional, and throw it up on a website, then people from Chattanooga will swear on their mothers’ graves that it’s true,” said Appleton.

“Celine Dion invented crack cocaine, Sriracha sauce enemas can cure prostate cancer, Vladimir Putin had a tail that was surgically removed ten years ago,” said Appleton. “At one point, we just pointed them to a ‘Chuck Norris facts’ website, and they still believed it all.”

“The interesting thing is, it didn’t matter if the participant was rich or poor, conservative or liberal, white or a person of color – everyone from Chattanooga was pretty gullible,” said Appleton. “Also, all Chattanooga participants were willing to sign a petition to have the word ‘gullible’ put into dictionaries.”

In a news release by Bryan College President Stephen Livesay, it was announced that all staff members must vow to sacrifice their first-born sons to stay employed by the school. Livesay explained the new requirement comes with Bryan’s new “bible or bust” policy.

Many believe the policy stems from the recent public Creationism vs. Evolution debates, featuring Creationist Museum founder Ken Ham and TV personality Bill Nye.

“I expect all faculty and staff to conduct themselves in a biblical manner, and we’re taking this shit old testament”, said Livesay.

Bryan staff has been given a March 31st deadline, in which they must bring their first-born sons to the school’s sacrifice grounds and complete the offering to President Livesay.

In response to UT’S “sex week” controversy in recent weeks, a University of Tennessee Chattanooga spokesman announced plans for the school to host its first ever “fuck month” this April.

“We all know college is pretty much a giant fuckfest with some studying in between, so why officially celebrate it for just a week? said UTC Fuck Month organizer Summer Nastanovich.

UTC event organizers announced large purchases of tarps, lube, saddles, and flavorful condoms have been made in preparation for upcoming festivities.

In response to numerous requests for the administration of the University of Tennessee, Chattanooga (UTC) to deal with the issue of evangelical preacher Angela Cummings, a self-declared “saint” who has caused a stir with her outdoor, on-campus sermons, considered by many to be excessively loud and disruptive for nearby classes, UTC has implemented a new program to provide the use of megaphones for professors and students, free of charge.

“Our hands are pretty much tied,” said UTC provost Dr. Braden Hunniford at a press conference yesterday afternoon. “Rev. Cummings is exercising her First Amendment freedom-of-speech rights, so right now, we can’t do a thing to remove her from our campus or to shut her piehole.”

“But what we can do is give everyone these police-grade megaphones,” said Hunniford. “If it gets difficult to hear a professor’s lecture over this screeching harpy’s self-righteous yappings, then have the professor use one of these megaphones in order to be heard. It’s that simple.”

The issue received national attention in the last week after 24-year-old Colton Montvalo was arrested for disorderly conduct and other charges, who attempted to speak with Cummings after breaching a barricade surrounding her with his bicycle.

In addition to this, Hunniford described an effort to propose a new Constitutional Amendment which is gaining considerable traction, which would improve the original text of the First Amendment, by clarifying that “Congress shall make no law abridging the freedom of speech, unless it is that of Angela Cummings.”

In a press conference this morning with Hamilton County Schools superintendent Rick Smith, it was announced that Chattanooga area schools would employ a capital punishment policy if forced to give up corporal punishment.

The announcement comes after a recent nationwide debate on whether or not school officials should still be able to issue corporal punishment to rowdy and unruly students.  It was uncovered that Chattanooga area schools were using corporal punishment techniques such as bare-assed cat o’ nine tail whips and atomic wedgies.

“We must provide swift punishment to these shithead students who break the rules during school hours with their MTV twerking and facetagramming tweets,” explained Hamilton county superintendent Smith. “I believe students will think twice if faced with a trip to the gas chamber or an electric chair.”

Some parents of local students are all for the new capital punishment techniques. Many believe the old system of corporal punishment just wasn’t enough.

“My son Jeremy started looking forward to being called a slut and slapped around by his principal in front of the whole school,” said Hixson High School parent Sherry Miller. “I can only pray that the threat of standing before a firing squad will make him think twice before sagging his Levi’s”

One week ago, it was reported that Brainerd High School experienced sightings of snakes, after a replacement of the facility’s heating and air conditioning system had spurred rodents to enter the school to search for food, followed by snakes who hunted for rodents.

One former Chattanooga resident has been unhappy and vocal about the situation, prompting the Hamilton County School system to take quick action with exterminators to eliminate the snake problem.

“Enough is enough,” said actor Samuel L. Jackson, who was raised in Chattanooga. “I have had it with these motherf-cking snakes in this motherf-cking school!”

Some residents opposed the use of exterminators to kill the snakes, citing alternate, more humane methods, but Jackson expressed a hardline stance against the snakes.

“Yes they deserve to die,” said Jackson. “And I hope they burn in hell!”

Jackson, who serves as narrator for an orientation film for the new Chattanooga History Center slated to open in 2014, offered to help with the extermination efforts himself.

“I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers,” said Jackson. “And you will know my name is Samuel L. Motherf-cking Jackson when I lay my vengeance upon thee.”