Culture - Page 15

Christian band Newsboys banned from Riverbend after offensive performance

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Newsboys, from Australia (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/9HWkmo)
Newsboys, from Australia (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/9HWkmo)

The headlining act of the 2013 Riverbend Festival’s Family & Faith Night, the Australian Christian rock band Newsboys, has been banned from performing at future Riverbend Festivals after a controversial Tuesday night performance.

The band members, clad in black leather clothing, gave a performance filled with gratuitous nudity, onstage drinking and copious profanity.

“We received very, very, very many disgruntled emails,” said head Riverbend organizer Ginger Dewarr. “Those Vegemite-munching koala-humpers won’t be coming back.”

The quartet began the performance with an enthusiastic rendition of the group’s hit song “F-ck You, Satan!” before playing another fan-favorite, “Crazy (Like a Motherf-cker about Jesus).”

Newsboys lead singer Michael Tait, also known as a founding member of DC Talk, then began the sacrament of Holy Communion onstage by throwing loaves of bread into the audience while saying, “Jesus said, ‘This is my body, broken for you. Do this in remembrance of me.'”

Tait proceeded to grab his shirt with both hands and rip it off his body, revealing his six-pack abs, saying, “And this is my body. My awesome, ripped body, for you.”

Tait then mooned the audience.

Continuing the sacrament, Tait poured a generous helping of communion wine into a large silver chalice and drank it in one gulp, before swiftly pouring another serving and imbibing it.

“We have written their management a stern letter, and it’s safe to say they won’t be coming back,” said Dewarr. “Where’s your savior now, Jesus-boys?”

Officials Announce Bessie Smith Strut Now a “Profanity Free Zone”

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In an effort to keep the wholesome family friendly image that Riverbend is known for, officials announced that today’s Bessie Smith Strut will become a “profanity free zone.” The news comes a day after the controversial decision to ban dropped; yet rehired singer Cee Lo Green after a profanity filled performance at the festival on Saturday.

The Bessie Smith Strut, which takes place on Martin Luther King Boulevard every year during Riverbend week, is known for its barbecue and blues music. Event planners hope families, who employ a more “traditional” standard of decency, will take notice and choose to attend the event this year.

bessieNo longer can the phrases: “fuck, this corn dog is the shit”, or “shit, that son of a bitch has a gun” be uttered without immediate dismissal from the event.

Due to the new policy, the private security hired to police the festival has called in 30 extra officers as reinforcements. Armed with high-powered microphones, personnel will be placed upon rooftops along the strut to listen for those in violation of the new policy.

“I think it’s wonderful that sanctions have been put in place to keep the strut in line with Riverbend being a family friendly event,” said Mayor Berke, when informed of the new policy. “Come to think of it, this is a big fucking ass deal.”

(image courtesy of Bessie Smith Cultural Center. http://www.bessiesmithcc.org/)

Strut renamed “Bessie and Will Smith Strut”

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Will Smith (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/9Q1f4h)
Will Smith (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/9Q1f4h)
At a press conference Friday afternoon, it was announced by representatives of the Bessie Smith Cultural Center that the Bessie Smith Strut—the popular annual street party event held on ML King Blvd. as part of Riverbend—was to be renamed “The Bessie and Will Smith Strut,” by unanimous decision of the organizers.

The new name comes one year after several notable changes were made to the festival, including charging an admission fee for the formerly free event, beefing up security and enclosing the grounds of the Strut with fencing.

Head organizer Pat Loorey explained that the name change was made in an attempt to draw a bigger audience and be more accessible by appealing to fans of Will Smith, known as a star of many blockbuster films including Men in Black and Independence Day and as a rapper with the moniker “The Fresh Prince.”

Will Smith is not related to the legendary blues singer Bessie Smith nor has any formal connection to Chattanooga.

“Bessie Smith was rightfully called ‘The Empress of the Blues,’ and her rich, soulful voice lives on,” said Loorey. “But parts of her life are frightful and not exactly family-friendly, like her alcoholism and promiscuity.”

“She had some depressing and disturbing songs, with titles like ‘Send Me to the ‘Lectric Chair’ and ‘Wasted Life Blues,'” continued Loorey. “Have you heard ‘St. Louis Blues‘? It’s goddamn creepy.”

“Now Will Smith—there’s an entertainer that every man, woman and child in Chattanooga can get behind,” said Loorey, who also pointed out that Will Smith will not be in attendance.

“Come on down Monday and raise an oversized turkey leg to Bessie and Will, and any other successful black people who have the last name ‘Smith,'” said Loorey.

Bessie Smith (Credit: Carl Van Vechten)
Bessie Smith (Credit: Carl Van Vechten)

The Paul Barys Jazz Explosion Announces Debut Show at Riverbend

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Local weatherman and apparent Jazz enthusiast Paul Barys announced today that his Jazz group, “The Paul Barys Jazz Explosion” will make their debut at the upcoming 2013 Riverbend Festival.

The group, which features Barys on Piano, Fats Colman on the bass, Skeeter McDuffin on the Drums, and rival news station reporter Calvin Sneed on tambourine and woodblock, hope to make a name for themselves with their fresh licks and cool sounds.

17147033_BG2“Like forecasting the weather, Jazz was something that always came naturally to me,” explained Barys, while performing a four octave Piano run. “I hope my Jazz explosion will show Chattanoogans another side of myself and the beard.”

Although the band hasn’t officially booked a time, day, or stage for the festival, Barys hopes when the group shows up with their equipment and his celebrity status, finding a place to “let loose” will not be an issue.

“Our sound is somewhat like a torrential downpour, except the rain has been replaced with the sweet sounds of smooth and free flowing Jazz,” said Barys.

Riverbend drops Cee Lo, citing ban on “current, popular and relevant” acts

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Cee Lo (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/5bADEf)
Cee Lo (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/5bADEf)

To the disappointment of many Chattanooga music fans, it was announced today at a press conference by the Friends of the Festival, the group that organizes the Riverbend music festival, that unfortunately Cee Lo Green was dropped from the 2013 Riverbend lineup.

The reason behind the cancellation was a rule that has been in effect for the entire 31-year history of the annual nine-day summer music festival, which states that acts that are “current, popular and relevant” are barred from playing the festival.

“We deeply regret the error,” said head festival organizer Ginger Dewarr. “We thought enough years had passed since ‘Crazy’ by Gnarls Barkley was a smash hit, but we totally forgot about Cee Lo’s ‘Forget You.'”

Riverbend Festival regulations state that a performer must not have had a bona fide hit song within the last five years, and Cee Lo Green’s “Forget You,” also known in an unbowdlerized form as “F-ck You,” was both a commercial and critical success in 2010.

“Brandy was able to stay on the bill, because her star had fallen enough in the last few years with her last couple of albums,” explained Dewarr.

“’80s one-hit wonders, past-their-prime rock dinosaurs milking the county fair circuit, ’60s acts with only one original member left: that is the true spirit and bread-and-butter of Riverbend,” said Dewarr.

The current 2013 Riverbend Festival lineup includes the bands Lynyrd Skynyrd, Psychedelic Furs, and 10,000 Maniacs without Natalie Merchant.

“Although Cee Lo fans may be disappointed,” said Dewarr, “we are pleased to announce that the money that would have gone to Cee Lo was used to put seventeen more acts on the lineup, including the ’70s British rock band Foghat, Marcy Playground, Fred Durst Unplugged and a Guttermouth cover band called ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Guttermouth!'”

2013 Monster Truck Jam Event to be Held at Tivoli Theater.

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In an effort to recoup some of the losses attributed to the city owned venue, event coordinators have announced this years annual Chattanooga Monster Truck Jam will be held at the Historic Tivoli Theater.

The Monster Truck Jam, which is normally held at UTC’s McKenzie Arena, is one of Chattanooga’s top grossing events of the year. Officials hope the venue change will bring the profitability back to the ailing Tivoli Theater after a reported near million dollar loss in 2012.

“I plan on getting front row seats to this bad boy,” exclaimed Chattanooga Monster truck enthusiast Roy Cooper, after hearing the news of the venue change.” It’s about time they got something worthwhile to see in that fancy shithole.”

The event, which will be held on a TBD Sunday, will bring the awe-inspiring spectacle of Monster trucks, such as Bigfoot, Grave Digger, and Mother Puncher, to the near 100-year-old theater, normally reserved for classical music concerts and the Chattanooga Boys Choir singing Christmas Tree.

“We plan on most of the exciting action to be held on the Tivoli’s 19 by 17 foot stage, but we can’t promise that some trucks will not spill into the first few rows,” said Monster Jam spokesmen Ray Phillips. “We’re ironing out the details with the insurance company at this time.”

tivolimonster

“We hope that many more events like this will be relocated to the Tivoli,” said Tivoli spokeswoman Cheryl Chester. “We would love to accommodate Ringling Brothers Circus, Pro Wrestling, or the Harlem Globetrotters to our beautiful theater.”

Red Bank Officials Elect to Resurrect Controversial Traffic Cameras, in Stunning High Definition

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In a move that critics are calling “a frivolous waste of the tax payers money”, Red Bank government officials have announced plans to bring back the uber-controversial traffic cameras, but this time in beautiful high definition.

traffic camera“We believe a majority of the complaints stemmed from the low resolution images the previous cameras produced,” said Red Bank traffic videographer Steven Metz, holding a low quality black and white image of a Honda Civic running a red-light. “The good people of Red Bank can now rest assure their complaints were heard, and we have a solution in the form of jaw dropping 1080p quality traffic cameras.”

After years of complaints from business owners and Red Bank residents, the existing cameras were removed last January, and met with much celebration. Locals were shocked to learn of the enormous price tag that came along with the new high definition cameras, especially when previous ones failed to sale in an eBay auction.

I believe traffic law violators will appreciate the enhancements that come along with the new high definition cameras,” said Red Bank city representative Michael Shuman. “Not only will the mailed citation include a full color high resolution picture, but the violator will also receive a ravishing high definition Blu-Ray disc that includes a digital download for the desktop or handheld device.”

“We can only hope the threat of traffic cameras will not drive away potential customers,” said Red Bank small business owner Thomas Marr. “It is a shame they couldn’t have sprung for the 3-D option.”

Local NRA Chapter calls for the Arming of Bald Eagles

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After receiving news of a pair bald eagles being shot in the Tennessee Valley, local National Rifle Association members have called for the armament of our national bird.

The Bald and Golden Eagle Protection Act, which protects the bald eagle against harm with a maximum of a $250,000 fine or 2 years jail time against the perpetrator, is not enough, according to local NRA chapter president Kelly Stevens.

NRA-logo“We believe that all of Gods creatures, whether human, dog, rattlesnake, woman, or bird, should not have their God given second amendment rights taken away from them,” said Stevens. “The bald eagle, an icon of our American freedoms, must have the chance to fight back against those who try to terminate it. It’s like taking justice into its own hands, or talons.”

Uncovered NRA plans show the bald eagle outfitted with two riffles. Critics pan the idea as an emotional and irrational reaction to an isolated incident.

“Uh, I’m not really sure how their plan it going to work out,” explained Chattanooga bald eagle expert Rick Harris. “I’d say the only plausible option would be to strap machine guns with laser sights to the eagle, which could be controlled by someone from below.”

“Machine guns with lasers that can be controlled from the ground? That sounds so American bad-assed!” Exclaimed Stevens.

Manny Rico makes amends with Chris Anderson after hot night of dancing at Alan Golds

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Alan Golds Nightclub
Alan Golds Nightclub

Former Chattanooga City Councilman Manny Rico sounded like a sore loser after his contender, the openly gay candidate Chris Anderson, defeated Rico for the District 7 City Council seat in the election earlier this year.

Rico stated, “Maybe we want a gay councilman. That’s what he ran on. That’s what disappoints me the most. It seems like we’re losing our morals,” as documented by the Chattanooga Times Free Press in a March 6 article.

According to staff reports, Rico made amends with Anderson early Sunday morning after the two spent a long night partying together at Alan Golds, a Chattanooga dance club that is known for being welcome to gay, bisexual, transgendered and straight clientele.

“I was completely wrong and just way out of line,” said Rico, wearing a torn Morrissey t-shirt while riding on the shoulders of a shirtless, muscle-bound black dancer with a shaved head. “Chris Anderson is a man who knows where it’s at.”

Rico and Anderson reportedly buried the hatchet after inadvertently meeting each other on the Alan Golds dance floor, right after Erasure’s “Always” began playing on the club’s sound system, and the two found common ground over a shared appreciation of the song.

“Jesus said to ‘Love thy neighbor as thyself,’ and I needed to be reminded of that. We are all brothers and sisters, after all,” said Rico to all present at Alan Golds, earning enthusiastic applause from a group of women wearing long, sequined evening gowns with conspicuously large Adam’s apples.

Anderson, wearing a tight, neon pink mesh vest, smiled and nodded as Rico held Anderson’s hand high in the air, striking a pose of strength and solidarity.

“Maybe it’s just the Jäger bombs talking, but I am thinking of changing my company, Rico Monuments, so that it is dedicated to making monuments to brotherhood,” said Rico, just past the 4 AM hour. “Chris Anderson may be gay by birth, but he is fabulous by choice.”

Tennessee Agrees to Trade Tennessee River Access for Cast of Small Town Security.

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After months of deliberation and litigation, Georgia lawmakers have reached an agreement with Tennessee officials for access to parts of the Tennessee River, in exchange for the cast of the AMC reality series “Small Town Security”.

Earlier this year, Georgia lawmakers passed a resolution to claim back what they believe is rightfully the states, land with access to the Tennessee River that was taken away due to a miscalculated survey performed some 200 years ago.

Tennessee’s Governor Bill Haslam sparked the idea after catching last weeks Season two premiere. “Loved it”, exclaimed Governor Haslam, “The show makes for excellent television, and I wholeheartedly believe what Tennessee needs is a reality show based around a security company with a chick-dude to call its own.”

“We’ve actually got reality shows cotennesseeriverstsming out of our ass,” said Georgia Senator Saxby Chambliss,” I mean, is it really going to hurt us to lose just one for a sweet ass taste of that Tennessee River water?”

In one condition of the deal made, filming of the show and series cast members must move from their current Northwest Georgia location to just north of the Tennessee and Georgia border. Experts believe the city of Red Bank is in top running for the relocation.

“Hell, I’d give up a tributary if the woman/man would just move across the state line,” laughed Haslam, “that alone will show Tennessee is moving towards a state of acceptance of all life, uh, choices.”

“I don’t believe the deals will stop here,” said Senator Chambliss, “we have drawn up proposals to trade season four of “The Walking Dead” for Memphis’ own Graceland.

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