Culture - Page 16

Chattanooga Whiskey Makers decide to keep operations in Indiana


After the historic passing of Bills of 102 and 129 in the Tennessee House and Senate respectively, Chattanooga Whiskey co-founders Joe Ledbetter and Tim Piersent announced they have decided to keep distillery operations in Indiana.

“It’s really due to a variety of reasons” Ledbetter said, “plus, can you imagine the pain in the ass moving a distillery would be?”

The bill passed the Tennessee House and Senate with wide margins, which currently awaits Governor Haslam’s signature.

Distilleries have been illegal in the Chattanooga area due to laws dating back the prohibition era. Many months of debating within Tennessee lawmakers proved to be an emotional rollercoaster for the Whiskey duo. “It was quite the ride! Too bad it really was for nothing,” Piersant laughed.


Photo courtesy of Chattanooga Times Free Press

“Ever since we started this Chattanooga thing, we decided to grow out some facial hair,” Ledbetter grumbled, “it is going to feel great to finally be able to rid our faces of this shit.”

With Chattanooga recently overthrowing Austin, TX as the number one hipster city in the states, Ledbetter saw this as a deterrent. “We all know that hipsters tend to gravitate to the High Lifes and the PBRs. Our high quality product just couldn’t compete with the lower price, and lower taste option,” Ledbetter cried.

When asked about the 30,000 square-foot building the pair were planning to occupy, Piersant replied, “Fuck it! Let it develop into some more expensive apartments or a Red Lobster.”

CreateHere’s ArtsMove program replaced by new “TakeTheMoneyAndRun” program

TakeTheMoneyAndRun logo
TakeTheMoneyAndRun logo

At a press conference yesterday afternoon, a new grant program was unveiled, intended to take the place of Chattanooga’s ArtsMove grant program which was implemented in 2006 to encourage talented artists of all varieties to move to Chattanooga to stimulate the cultural growth of the city.

Artists who agreed to live in Chattanooga for a certain minimum length of time and who purchased housing in specific areas would be rewarded by having a significant portion of their mortgages essentially paid by the grant.

The grant program was enacted by the non-profit funding organization Allied Arts before moving to CreateHere in 2007; after CreateHere experienced its planned conclusion at the end of the year 2011, its so-called “White Dwarf,” administration of the ArtsMove program moved to the organization Choose Chattanooga.

As spokesperson Sandra Lautonne explained, program administrators noticed that a significant number of the grant recipients decided to move away from Chattanooga after fulfilling the minimum requirements of the grant.

“We discussed this phenomenon and thought, ‘Why not streamline the whole process?'” said Lautonne.  “Let’s award valuable grants to out-of-town artists, let them move to Chattanooga and exhaust all local opportunities and resources as quickly as possible, and make it easy for them to swiftly move away, with little-to-no accountability.”

Thus, the TakeTheMoneyAndRun grant program was born.

Lautonne described how the program will challenge artists who have been loyal Chattanooga residents for years or decades to be more resourceful, careful and economical, since the TakeTheMoneyAndRun grant recipients will usurp the already meager local funding opportunities.

Additionally, after the TakeTheMoneyAndRun grant recipients move away from Chattanooga, they can become ambassadors for the city; Lautonne spoke about one ArtsMove grant recipient who has since moved to Brooklyn and wrote an article about her experience for the New York Times, entitled, “‘See ya, suckers!’: How I escaped the Chattanooga hell-hole.”

Rock City to change slogan to “See Seven Shootings”


In reaction to the many months of gang-related shootings, and the need for a new tourist attraction, Rock City is changing their slogan to “See Seven Shootings”. “While seeing seven states has been a staple in bringing in customers for many years, we realized we must get with the times,” said Rock City representative, Steven Borash. “Changes will come to the park over the next few months, in which more unfortunate events will more than likely raise interest in the new attraction.”

Renovations to the new attraction include changing the famous seven state markers to different neighborhoods of Chattanooga, including: Highland Park, Orchard Knob, St Elmo, etc. “We plan on charging $1 per session our view-finders, in which some of the proceeds will help fund a possible Rock City Chattanooga Gang Task Force,” said Borash.


image provided by Rock City

Other changes that will come with the attraction change include:

  • The famous “See Rock City” birdhouses will now include bullet holes.
  • Park hours will now extend till 4AM
  • A “wall tagging” station for the kids
  • Customer choice of Chattanooga gang colored souvenir t-shirt

“All of these changes are needed because with the invention of Google Earth, people don’t really give a shit about seeing seven states from atop of Lookout Mountain,” explained Borash, “we hope this change will keep Rock City fresh and current”.

Missy Crutchfield negotiates deal for Human Centipede sequels to be shot in Chattanooga

Still from the original Human Centipede film (Used under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported license. Source:
Still from the original Human Centipede film (Used under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported license. Source:

In recent years, several Hollywood films have been partially shot in Chattanooga, including Leatherheads starring George Clooney, Water for Elephants with Reese Witherspoon and Robert Pattinson, and the Jackie Robinson biopic 42 starring Harrison Ford, with another film, Will To Succeed featuring Helen Hunt, scheduled to start filming later this year.

Marking another victory for the film industry in Chattanooga, Founding Administrator Missy Crutchfield of the City of Chattanooga’s Department of Education, Arts & Culture announced at a press conference yesterday that she had successfully negotiated a deal with Dutch film director Tom Six and his studio Six Entertainment to have the fourth and fifth installments of the Human Centipede series filmed in Chattanooga.

“This will not only bring a great deal of work for those in the film industry here in Chattanooga, but also the local hospitality, tourism, and food-service industries will benefit as well, pouring as much as $1.4 million dollars into the area,” said Crutchfield.

The first film of the series, The Human Centipede (First Sequence) gained notoriety for its incredibly disturbing subject matter, about a deranged German doctor who kidnaps three tourists–two American women and one Japanese man–and surgically attaches the three of them together, connecting the mouth of one to the anus of the other, forming the titular creature.

It was followed by The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence), which many critics considered to be even more revolting than the original, and the third installment, The Human Centipede 3 (Final Sequence) is currently in production.

Although the third film was originally intended to be the last film of a trilogy, Six was inspired by talks with Crutchfield to keep the franchise going for at least two more films, enjoying financial incentives provided by the City of Chattanooga but with one stipulation: the films must be uplifting in some way.

Scheduled to be filmed in the fall of 2013 in Chattanooga, The Human Centipede 4 (Small Hadron Shitcollider) will tell the story of a group of scientists who connect twenty people, human-centipede-style, into a ring-shaped configuration after feeding them some bad salmon, causing the resulting fecal matter to be propelled at astronomically high speeds around and around, allowing the scientists to test various theories about particle physics.

Following in 2014 will be the filming of The Human Centipede 5 (Assholes Across America), which involves a billionaire philanthropist who devises a plan to have volunteers form a human centipede that spans the entire continental United States, from coast-to-coast, to raise money for charity.

“I haven’t read any of the scripts or seen any of Tom Six’s films or even know anything about the plots of the movies, but the director asked me if I would like to be in one of the ‘segments,’ which was incredibly flattering, so I signed up right on the spot,” said Crutchfield.  “It’s been almost three decades since I starred as ‘Anne #1’ in Model Behavior, but I think this might be my return to the big screen!”

“We’re connecting people together, one at a time, to form an Unbroken Centipede of Compassion,” said Crutchfield.

Retro “Megoteca” analog Internet service provider to feature ’90s-style dial-up access

Analog acoustic coupler modem (Used under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 2.0 Generic license. Source:
Analog acoustic coupler modem (Used under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 2.0 Generic license. Source:

The music venue Discoteca enjoyed a year-long existence between January 2010 and January 2011, being Chattanooga’s “all analogue bar” which only allowed vinyl records or cassettes to be played and featuring notable indie music acts such as Will Oldham, Lambchop, and Monotonix.

At a press conference yesterday afternoon, the proprietors of Discoteca have unveiled a new business called Megoteca based on a similar concept, allowing customers to access the Internet only by using outdated, slow analog technology, including land-line phones, acoustic-coupler modems, and dial-up phone numbers.

Co-owner Dewey Blackwell explained, “Listening to your favorite album on vinyl can’t be beat, for all the warmth and richness of that analog format.  Similarly, nothing compares to surfing the Internet the retro, old-school way, using dial-up connections and 300-baud acoustic modems.  Who can forget the thrill of anticipation of slowly loading up in Netscape a grainy .GIF file of Cindy Margolis in a bikini?”

“‘Gig City’ my ass,” continued Blackwell, referring to the nickname bestowed upon Chattanooga due to the one-gigabit-per-second fiber-optic Internet service provided by competitor EPB.   “This is Meg City!  We are talking about some sweet-ass Internet, here.”

Subscribers to Megoteca’s Internet service will receive a starter kit with installation software on a 5.25-inch floppy disk (compatible with Windows 3.1), a free Megoteca email account with a 5 MB storage limit, and a free Geocities web page.

D-Dawg’s Guide to Chattown: Chili’s


When hitting up the hottest Chattanooga nightspots, ya gotta go where shit is the tightest. My name is Desmond “D-Dawg” Cooper, and I’m a UTC frat guy and “go-to” brah when suggesting the best places to hit up after hours in the down-t. I’ve found one of the best places to truly capture the atmosphere of the C-town is the Chili’s on Market Street.

Chili’s is located within reasonable drunken stumbling distance of the frat house, which makes it a great place to get your drink on, while saving dad’s money rather than catchin’ a cab. It sits in a prime location that is adjacent to another local favorite, the Applebee’s, and the Hairy Dog.

Upon entry, you’re greeter by either some hawt babe with big ol T’s, or some skinny brah that I could easily beat up. I mean this guy is a pipsqueek and probably isn’t even man enough to pledge. One-on-one with me on the beer pong and this dude would go crying back to his mamma.

The best time to visit Chili’s is during game time. The Bud-L and Miller-L is usually damn cheap, and you can get torn up in no time. With so many flat tv’s up in this bitch, you will never miss a play when it is game time. The mild wings are definitely a fav for my frat bros and I. If you’re looking to make the evening more enjoyable, shots can be obtained on the cheap. Obtaining said shots from a hot bar tender makes the experience even better.



Photo courtesy of

I believe the Chili’s has the best of what Chattanooga has to offer: local flare, beer, shots, wings, and sports. If you and your bros ever decide to hit up the Chattown Chili’s, let em that D-Dawg sent you.

PSY to Headline 2013 Riverbend Music Festival


In a press release by Friends of the Festival spokesman Terry Sphinx, Internet music sensation PSY is set to headline the 31st annual Riverbend Music Festival.

PSY came into the public eye in mid 2012 on the Internet with his hit song “Gangnam Style”‘, which is apparently about rich people and their horses or something. It has since become the highest viewed video in the history of YouTube.

We spoke to Mr. Sphinx about obtaining PSY to headline the award winning festival.

“It was quite funny actually” Sphinx laughed, “the rest of the FOF guys and I were in an intense brainstorming session on who we should book for the ‘Bend 013. Someone had suggested “the chick who does the Friday song”. I said no way man, lets take it up to the next level, and up a million more YouTube views. All it took was an email and a fax and he was in.”

Riverbend funnel cake vendor Todd Stewman was elastic about the news of PSY. “I love that guy and his silly horse dance!” Stewman said. “Hopefully, he’s still revelant come Riverbend.”

“We can only pray that we has more songs than the smash hit Gangnam Style” said Sphinx,”or hopefully he can stretch it out for about an hour and a half.

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