Culture - Page 16

In what some may call the meshing of two recent headlines, Chattanooga’s own Bigfoot was arrested on charges of supplying alcohol to 18 Signal Mountain teenagers over the weekend.

Police responded to a disturbance call of a “large drunken hairy bastard” groaning and hiding behind a tree. Neighbors spotted the creature just as police were leaving from the noise complaint just an hour before.

“We believed it to be just another horseshit drunken redneck Bigfoot sighting,” said Signal Mountain Police Chief Boyd Veal, “but the call came from within two blocks of the private school brat slosh fest that officers had just shut down.

The Bigfoot, who recently appeared in news reports about his four plus decades of sightings, is currently being held on accusations of contributing to the delinquency of minors.

“I was like, totally freaked out at first.” said 17 year old GPS student, escaped party goer, and Signal Mountain resident Gabby Westerman, “but then we knew he was super cool when he handed us all Bud Lights.”

No stranger to the charges brought against it, records from 1988 show the Chattanooga Bigfoot was accused of providing a group of teenagers some methamphetamine and LSD. Witnesses said the Bigfoot caused no bodily injury, as history would suggest, it only wanted to prove that it was “hip”.

photo taken from Wikipedia.com. Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license.

Organizers of the Chattanooga-based annual 2013 Southern Creative Panhandling Convention have announced its final lineup of speakers, workshops and discussion forums, for this year’s event, featuring veteran downtown panhandlers Serpentine Belt Guy and Poem Lady being the keynote speakers.

The compelling, award-winning storyteller Serpentine Belt Guy will speak about the challenges of keeping the same story he has told for over a decade fresh.

An estimated 18,000 Chattanoogans and tourists have heard Serpentine Belt Guy’s tale, about being from out-of-town and needing the remaining funds to pay for an emergency serpentine belt replacement for his car; it is learned that, unfortunately, he has left his wallet on the dresser of his hotel room, but he offers a faded, dog-eared handwritten receipt as evidence for the veracity of his story.

Poem Lady’s lecture, entitled “Shiny Change for Shoddy Product” will educate and enlighten about the technique of being so annoying that people will pay you to shut up.

A venerable downtown mainstay, Poem Lady offers, in exchange for a modest payment, the spontaneous creation of poetry, which is of consistently poor quality.

The convention, which typically draws two-thousand panhandlers from across the nation and Canada, will be held at the Electric Shuttle stop in front of the downtown Buffalo Wild Wings.

Panhandler (Used under the CC-BY-ND-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/aSp4ux)

  In a poll taken by the Chattanooga Board of the web, Chattanooga Times Free Press social media manager Harrison Keely was voted sexiest Chattanoogan on the Internet.

Keely, who has been known in recent months for his weekly news updates via the Times Free Press webpage, won by a unanimous decision.

“It was pretty much a landslide,” said Chattanooga Board of the web spokesmen Peter Howell. “The guy is a natural panty dropper. When that goatee and those rosy cheeks hit your computer screen each morning, it’s   quite difficult to refrain from going into sexy convulsions.”

Keely joins the ever-growing prestigious list of sexiest Internet Chattanoogans, such as the correctional officer who botched the National Anthem and failed Congressional hopeful Weston Wamp.

“I like to think that he’s out all night romancing the ladies in a maroon or blue shirt, sports coat, and striped tie.” Said Chattanooga Board poll voter cougarlookouts69. “I can smell the sweat and sexy oozing off of him  from the previous night and into his webcam.”

Before this article, Mr Keely has not been notified of his victory. On behalf of the Chattanooga Bystander staff, Congratulations Harrison, you did it!

 photo taken from Chattanooga Times Free Press

Country-rock singer/songwriter Corey Smith and Chattanooga music venue Track 29 had a rocky start to their relationship, with his September 2, 2011 show being cut short after Smith began to play his controversial fan-favorite “F-ck the Po-Po” despite being asked before the show by the venue owners to not play that song.

Soon afterward, Smith penned a new track entitled “Chattanooga” about the incident, but since then Smith and Track 29 have buried the hatchet, with Smith even returning to Track 29 for a second performance one year after his first and releasing the concert as the album Live in Chattanooga.

At a press conference yesterday afternoon, Smith announced that he would make a third appearance this summer at Track 29 to debut several new songs, including the track “Firefighters Are Pussies.”

“I just want to make it perfectly clear that any controversy is long behind us,” said Smith. “I am proud of these new songs, and I believe that Track 29 is the perfect venue for me to present them to the world.”

When asked about the song “Firefighters Are Pussies,” Smith said, “I have nothing but respect for the good, honest, hard-working firefighters who protect us and save lives. But when I was eleven years old, I had a run-in with one bad apple, who took away my sparklers and bottle rockets at a Fourth-of-July barbecue.”

“He was a pussy,” Smith added.

“Firefighters Are Pussies” will be the first single off Smith’s upcoming album, entitled 9/11 Was an Inside Job, which will include other tracks such as “The Moon Landing Was Faked,” “Charles Manson Was a Spy for the F.B.I.” and “Joe Biden Was Born in Canada.”

This article is satire and fictional.

In recent years, several Hollywood films have been partially shot in Chattanooga, including Leatherheads starring George Clooney, Water for Elephants with Reese Witherspoon and Robert Pattinson, and the Jackie Robinson biopic 42 starring Harrison Ford, with another film, Will To Succeed featuring Helen Hunt, scheduled to start filming later this year.

Marking another victory for the film industry in Chattanooga, Founding Administrator Missy Crutchfield of the City of Chattanooga’s Department of Education, Arts & Culture announced at a press conference yesterday that she had successfully negotiated a deal with Dutch film director Tom Six and his studio Six Entertainment to have the fourth and fifth installments of the Human Centipede series filmed in Chattanooga.

“This will not only bring a great deal of work for those in the film industry here in Chattanooga, but also the local hospitality, tourism, and food-service industries will benefit as well, pouring as much as $1.4 million dollars into the area,” said Crutchfield.

The first film of the series, The Human Centipede (First Sequence) gained notoriety for its incredibly disturbing subject matter, about a deranged German doctor who kidnaps three tourists–two American women and one Japanese man–and surgically attaches the three of them together, connecting the mouth of one to the anus of the other, forming the titular creature.

It was followed by The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence), which many critics considered to be even more revolting than the original, and the third installment, The Human Centipede 3 (Final Sequence) is currently in production.

Although the third film was originally intended to be the last film of a trilogy, Six was inspired by talks with Crutchfield to keep the franchise going for at least two more films, enjoying financial incentives provided by the City of Chattanooga but with one stipulation: the films must be uplifting in some way.

Scheduled to be filmed in the fall of 2013 in Chattanooga, The Human Centipede 4 (Small Hadron Shitcollider) will tell the story of a group of scientists who connect twenty people, human-centipede-style, into a ring-shaped configuration after feeding them some bad salmon, causing the resulting fecal matter to be propelled at astronomically high speeds around and around, allowing the scientists to test various theories about particle physics.

Following in 2014 will be the filming of The Human Centipede 5 (Assholes Across America), which involves a billionaire philanthropist who devises a plan to have volunteers form a human centipede that spans the entire continental United States, from coast-to-coast, to raise money for charity.

“I haven’t read any of the scripts or seen any of Tom Six’s films or even know anything about the plots of the movies, but the director asked me if I would like to be in one of the ‘segments,’ which was incredibly flattering, so I signed up right on the spot,” said Crutchfield.  “It’s been almost three decades since I starred as ‘Anne #1’ in Model Behavior, but I think this might be my return to the big screen!”

“We’re connecting people together, one at a time, to form an Unbroken Centipede of Compassion,” said Crutchfield.