Culture - Page 13

Fired police Emmer and Cooley to star in wacky sitcom as crime-fighting duo

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Former Chattanooga police Sean Emmer and Adam Cooley
Former Chattanooga police Sean Emmer and Adam Cooley

After an incident caught on video in June 2012 involving halfway house inmate Adam Tatum, which left him with two broken legs, Chattanooga Police Officers Sean Emmer and Adam Cooley were terminated from their positions for using force that was deemed excessive.

However, administrative law Judge Kim Summers ruled that Emmer and Cooley should be reinstated as officers, saying that they were following Chattanooga Police policy and behaving according to their training, to apprehend a violent criminal on cocaine.

Mayor Andy Berke, all City Council members and police Chief Bobby Dodd opposed the ruling, but new developments have emerged which give the pair of former policemen options for their future.

This past Monday, news was released that Emmer and Cooley were offered jobs at the Guantánamo Bay detention camp, where their “dedicated, unrelenting vigor” would be useful when interrogating international prisoners, outside U.S. legal jurisdiction, but the federal government shutdown put the job offerings on hold.

This proved to be a minor setback, since at a press conference yesterday afternoon, it was announced that Emmer and Cooley would star as themselves as a crime-fighting duo in a scripted sitcom pilot episode for the Spike cable network.

“Fun for the whole family, the new show Emmer and Cooley: Cuffs and Hollers presents the hilarious antics of the two cops as fish out of water: two good ol’ Southern boys on the mean streets of New York City,” said Spike representative, Martin Willstom.

“Cooley will star as a fictionalized adaptation of himself, playing the chatty, wisecracking Adam ‘The Cooler’ Cooley,” said Willstom. “He’s a former bouncer with a Master’s degree in literature who quotes from classic novels and poetry at unexpected times, for comedic effect.”

“Emmer stars as Sean ‘The Freezer’ Emmer, a former Tennessee Titans linebacker, known for his hulking figure and droll, chilly demeanor,” said Willstom. “When he’s fed up with his partner’s hijinks, he says ‘Cool it, Cooley!’ which is a catchphrase that you will never get tired of hearing.”

The pilot episode, which has yet to be filmed, features a story where Emmer and Cooley bust an international jewel-smuggling ring, which culminates in a side-splitting scene where the two employ their catfish noodling skills to retrieve stolen diamonds swallowed by large exotic fish in a millionaire playboy’s giant aquarium.

“Emmer and Cooley will use their ‘Good Cop, Bad Cop’ routine to gain valuable information from suspects,” said Willstom. “However, it’s not entirely clear if they’re good cops, strictly following police procedures and training guidance, or bad cops, using excessive force with bloodcurdling brutality.”

Emmer and Cooley: Cuffs and Hollers is a laugh-out-loud, wacky comedy that’ll tickle your funny bone, right before it breaks it,” said Willstom.

Human altar sacrifices becoming popular among area high school football coaches

The warmth of the hot Friday night lights isn’t the only heat one may soon feel during a local weekly high school Football game. Area High School Football coaches are upping the ante in pre-game rituals by performing human altar sacrifices in hopes to come out on top.

footballsacrificeRecent polls have shown that many coaches and players are turning to pre game prayer for the Lord God to bless them with a big win over the opposing team. According to local assistant coach Jim Standifer, sometimes prayer just isn’t enough.

“After losing our first few games of the season, we questioned if locker room prayer was truly helping,” said Standifer, while lighting a bundle of kindle for use as a torch. “We hope The Lord almighty will accept our human sacrifice of fullback number 23: Matthew Lewis, and bestow upon us a win over our arch rivals this Friday.”

Parents and fans of many local football teams believe prayer and sacrifices are still not enough. Some are calling for the construction of biblical temples in end zones and player’s helmets display a copy of the 10 commandments.

“If it comes down to it, we’re not above slaughtering a string of first born Quarterbacks,” exclaimed Standifer.

Bearded hipster community tapped for Civil War reenactment

Left: Bearded hipster (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license, source: flic.kr/p/aaZRFD). Right: Civil War soldiers (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license, source: flic.kr/p/5uv9hK)
Left: Bearded hipster (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license, source: flic.kr/p/aaZRFD). Right: Civil War soldiers (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license, source: flic.kr/p/5uv9hK)

Local historian Lester Goggin, one of the head organizers of the reenactment of the American Civil War Battle of Chickamauga, scheduled to commemorate its 150th anniversary, was facing a crisis several weeks ago.

“We were looking at the number of participants, and we were nowhere close to having enough authentic-looking reenactors to properly stage the Battle of Chickamauga,” said Goggin, speaking of the event that will be held this weekend at Mountain Cove Farms in Chickamauga, GA.

“The unusually low participation rate among the local bearded community was totally unexpected,” said Goggin. “Apparently, much of our base this season is either following around ZZ Top on their latest tour or engaged in intense Duck Dynasty viewing marathons.”

Then, Goggin got an idea while walking past the Flying Squirrel Bar one evening, which changed everything.

“I saw this young man standing outside smoking a cigarette, with an outrageous beard, wearing skinny jeans, plastic neon-green rimmed sunglasses and a trucker cap that had a rebel flag and the words ‘Heritage not hate’ on it,” said Goggin. “There were dozens more like him inside.”

“At first, I thought, ‘What a douche,'” said Goggin. “Then I thought, ‘These hipsters just might be the solution to our Civil War reenactment problem.'”

With the promise of free Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, Goggin recruited around twenty bearded hipsters for the Battle of Chickamauga reenactment before encountering another problem: word spread quickly on Facebook and Tumblr that doing Civil War reenactments was becoming too mainstream.

“I had to think fast and not lose this pool of hipsters,” said Goggin. “So, I planted the idea that although doing Civil War reenactments was becoming mainstream, a hipster could do it ironically and still keep his hipster cred.”

It worked, and Goggin was able to successfully recruit thousands of local bearded hipsters for this weekend’s reenactment.

“They’re fine with wearing the uniforms, running around with bayonets and speaking with ridiculous southern drawls,” said Goggin. “Now, the only problem I have is keeping them from looking at their damn smartphones all the time.”

BREAKING: EPB announces free dial up internet service for 4th anniversary.

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epb4In celebration of their 4th year of providing world renowned Internet service, EPB officials announced they will begin offering 56k dial up, free of charge.

“We are using our state of the art smart grid technology to ensure every customer has unprecedented access to our wonderful new dial up internet service,” explained EPB spokesman John Pless. “We believe this to be some next level shit for what the Gig City has to offer.”

EPB also announced for the 4 year celebration an additional free email account for internet subscribers and RFDTV in high definition for the Fi TV lineup.

 

R. Kelly to debut new album “Black Depends” about senior fetish at Track 29

R. Kelly (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/6fGpBz)
R. Kelly (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/6fGpBz)

R&B singer and recording artist R. Kelly has announced that next month, at the Chattanooga venue Track 29, he will debut his new album, Black Depends, by performing it in its entirety.

The controversial, court-embattled singer is known for his intense fetishes for elderly women and urolagnia, which are the two passions combined on his upcoming twelfth studio album, Black Depends, which takes its name from the absorbent undergarment.

Kelly is one of the most successful R&B artists of the last two decades, having sold over 54 million albums worldwide, and in 1994, the shocking news was revealed that Kelly had wed poet Maya Angelou, although the marriage was annulled soon afterwards.

Black Depends will feature fourteen new tracks, including “Assisted Loving,” “Gin and Prune Juice,” “GILF Hunter” and “Ride Me Like A Rascal.”

LAZYMAN Chattanooga sells out in two minutes

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lazy-man-300x199LAZYMAN Chattanooga spots sold out in two minutes after registration opened around 11:00 am this morning.

LAZYMAN, which is the common man’s answer to the Ironman triathlon, is the first of its kind for the scenic city.

The prize purse for the event will include a $35 dollar gift certificate to Ryan’s Steakhouse and a one-on-one meet-and-greet with Chattanooga’s own Dennis Haskins.

Activities for LAZYMAN will include: a 26.2-mile ride in a Ford Aerostar, a sponge bath and a 10 minute quiet session to think about purchasing a bike.

The event will take place sometime in September of 2014, if weather permits.

Local businesses suffer tech support crisis while nerds attend Dragon Con

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Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/dsG2wz
Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/dsG2wz

Many Chattanooga businesses have found themselves in the middle of a collective technical support crisis this weekend, with the temporary mass exodus of nerds from the city.

All computer and Information Technology nerds in Chattanooga and surrounding areas are simultaneously attending the annual Atlanta event Dragon Con, which gathers over 50,000 aficionados of science fiction, fantasy, anime, comics, horror, role-playing and video games.

“Our DNS server is down and our lead computer tech Wendell is down in Atlanta with his whole team, getting their photo taken with Xena, Warrior Princess,” said local CEO Timothy Chasington.

“I’ve been trying to get our firewall administrator Silvia to talk me through changing the VLAN trunk configuration, but she just keeps texting me back, ‘I just hugged the Fifth and Seventh Doctors!'” said Technical Manager Kris Terblanche. “Or she sends me photos of her dressed up as some character called ‘Hit Girl.'”

“We really should just temporarily shut down our business every year at this time,” said Terblanche.

ERRATUM (9/5/13, 10:46 am): We at the Chattanooga Bystander were informed that “DragonCon,” with no space between “Dragon” and “Con,” is an incorrect spelling of the event’s name. The proper event name is “Dragon Con: A Gathering For Nerds.” The Chattanooga Bystander regrets the error.

Chattanooga area Moms react to Miley Cyrus’ VMA performance.

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Last night at the 2013 MTV Video Music Awards, Pop Music sensation Miley Cyrus gave a performance that many are calling “somewhat controversial”. The performance caused quite a stir on Twitter and left the thousands in attendance for the awards show in shock and disgust. We took to the streets and asked several mothers from around the Tennessee Valley area what they thought of Ms. Cyrus’ performance:

“Our own Lauren Alaina would have never pulled that crap!” – Becky Sanders. Rossville.

“The only “twerking” she needs to do is shake her little tush into a pew at the Crossing.” – Donna Williams. Chattanooga.

“How am I supposed to explain to my 7 year old daughter that Hannah Montana is now a whore?” – Susan Beekman. Red Bank

“Why would she do such a thing to Alan Thicke? Isn’t he like four times her age?” – Karen McGillicutty. East Ridge.

“This is the straw that finally told her fathers achey brakey heart.” – Sally Childers. Hixson.

“Pure Shit” – Monique Berke. Chattanooga

Mayor Berke solves late-night event hall problem: “After-party at my crib, y’all”

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(Used under the CC-BY-SA-3.0 license. Source: http://tinyurl.com/mr5grat)
(Used under the CC-BY-SA-3.0 license. Source: http://tinyurl.com/mr5grat)

Chattanooga event halls, which currently do not require licenses like nightclubs or bars, have received intense scrutiny lately due to numerous police calls and late-night, after-hours violence, including several shootings and two fatalities, but at a press conference, Mayor Andy Berke announced a relatively simple solution to a troubling issue that has plagued the city this summer.

“This violence must end immediately, and the event hall problem needs an answer that is both effective and practical,” said Berke. “I have come up with a solution that will work, without any additional cost to taxpayers: after-party at my crib, y’all.”

“That’s right, I am opening up my sweet-ass party pad and baller mansion to the public,” said Berke, who was met with thunderous applause.

Berke’s safe and secure after-hours party mansion features 8,000 square feet of space, a lagoon-style salt-water swimming pool with two spas, and numerous specialty rooms, including a hookah room, a jungle room with exotic animals including two Komodo dragons, and a screening room that shows on a continuous loop the film Boogie Nights, which is reportedly Berke’s favorite movie.

However, the centerpiece of Berke’s celebration station is a spacious dance floor which features four American Apparel models who serve as go-go dancers, Berke’s resident DJ Zizzurp, who is also the soundman for Major Lazer, and a female Hungarian acrobat/contortionist who performs suspended from the ceiling.

“You may have heard stories about my legendary parties, and now you’ll see for yourself,” said Berke. “Welcome to Cirque du Berke!”
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