Francis Porkloin – Page 26 – Chattanooga Bystander

Local man commemorates 50th anniv. of MLK’s “Dream” speech by eating shrimp at Lamar’s

Published on August 28, 2013

Lamar's Restaurant on MLK Blvd. — Lamar’s Restaurant on MLK Blvd.

Fifty years ago today, Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr. delivered his immortal “I Have a Dream” speech as part of the March on Washington, and Chattanooga resident, UTC senior and lacrosse team goalie Preston Maxwell Rawlings III commemorated the occasion by eating enormous fried shrimp at the MLK Blvd. restaurant Lamar’s.

“Thank you, Rev. King,” said Rawlings, after devouring a giant shrimp and taking a sip of a stiff whiskey sour. “I salute you.”

“I just felt like I had to stand in solidarity with my figurative brothers and sisters, here on MLK Blvd. on this special day,” said Rawlings, after feeding the jukebox in order to play the entirety of Prince’s 1984 album Purple Rain. “Racism really really sucks.”

Mayor Berke solves late-night event hall problem: “After-party at my crib, y’all”

Published on August 26, 2013

Culture/Politics

(Used under the CC-BY-SA-3.0 license. Source: http://tinyurl.com/mr5grat)

Chattanooga event halls, which currently do not require licenses like nightclubs or bars, have received intense scrutiny lately due to numerous police calls and late-night, after-hours violence, including several shootings and two fatalities, but at a press conference, Mayor Andy Berke announced a relatively simple solution to a troubling issue that has plagued the city this summer.

“This violence must end immediately, and the event hall problem needs an answer that is both effective and practical,” said Berke. “I have come up with a solution that will work, without any additional cost to taxpayers: after-party at my crib, y’all.”

“That’s right, I am opening up my sweet-ass party pad and baller mansion to the public,” said Berke, who was met with thunderous applause.

Berke’s safe and secure after-hours party mansion features 8,000 square feet of space, a lagoon-style salt-water swimming pool with two spas, and numerous specialty rooms, including a hookah room, a jungle room with exotic animals including two Komodo dragons, and a screening room that shows on a continuous loop the film Boogie Nights, which is reportedly Berke’s favorite movie.

However, the centerpiece of Berke’s celebration station is a spacious dance floor which features four American Apparel models who serve as go-go dancers, Berke’s resident DJ Zizzurp, who is also the soundman for Major Lazer, and a female Hungarian acrobat/contortionist who performs suspended from the ceiling.

“You may have heard stories about my legendary parties, and now you’ll see for yourself,” said Berke. “Welcome to Cirque du Berke!”

Exposed jock straps: Trendy or Tacky?

Published on August 25, 2013

Culture

(Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/cGxcB9)

Are exposed jock straps trendy or tacky?

Do you think it’s okay?

Ridgedale Church accepts Kat Cooper’s family after viewing The Sapphic Sorority Sisters of Lesbos

Published on August 24, 2013

Culture

Women kissing (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/62Eveo)

The Ridgedale Church of Christ in Chattanooga made national news this week after its leaders asked the relatives of openly gay detective Kat Cooper to either repent and seek forgiveness for accepting Cooper’s homosexuality or to leave the church.

Cooper’s family decided to leave the church, but the leadership and congregation of the Ridgedale Church of Christ has since recanted its ultimatum and accepted the family back into the church after a group screening of the erotic softcore direct-to-video 1992 movie The Sapphic Sorority Sisters of Lesbos.

“We had this whole lesbian thing all wrong,” said congregation member Otto Eisenbiel. “This movie opened our eyes to smokin’ hot girl-on-girl action and carpet munching. It’s only right and natural.”

Far-right religious conservatives have often been critical towards gays, with figures such as the Rev. Jerry Falwell even declaring in 1997 that “this homosexual steamroller will literally crush all decent men, women and children.”

“In the book of Matthew, Jesus says the two greatest commandments are ‘Love the Lord with all your heart, soul and mind,’ and ‘Love your neighbor as yourself,'” Eisenbiel said. “We accept the Cooper family back into the fold, and we love all lesbians, from the most coy lipstick lesbian to the most militant, buzzcut-wearing bulldyke.”

Rep. Scott DesJarlais tells 11-year-old girl there is no Santa Claus

Published on August 20, 2013

Politics

At a Rutherford County town hall meeting last week, U.S. Rep. Scott DesJarlais told an 11-year-old girl that Santa Claus doesn’t exist, as part of a bizarre rant that began after she asked DesJarlais if anything could be done to stop her father, an undocumented immigrant, from being deported.

Responding to the girl’s question, DesJarlais said, “We have laws, and we need to follow those laws, and that’s where we’re at,” which was met with cheers and applause from the audience.

Then DesJarlais proceeded to deliver a seemingly interminable stream of pointed statements, directed at the little girl.

“Oh yeah, there’s no Santa Claus, too,” said DesJarlais. “You know who sets out those Christmas presents and eats those cookies you lay out? Your mother and father. Well, this next Christmas, it’ll just be your mother.”

“Also, you know what?” said DesJarlais. “Even if you study hard all through school and do your best, there’s a chance that in a couple of years you might just get knocked up by a deadbeat boyfriend. Or you might be forced into a loveless, soul-crushing marriage.”

“Is your favorite film Good Will Hunting?” asked DesJarlais. “Because it looks like you’ve been hunting at Goodwill for that dress you’re wearing.”

“In your face, little girl!” said DesJarlais. “BOO-YEAH!”

Hamilton County schools update sex ed with masturbation curriculum

Published on August 18, 2013

Education/Health

Sex education (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/9bdKPW)

For decades, sex education has been entrenched in public schools for adolescent students, addressing topics including teenage pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases and birth control, and with a new initiative, the subject of efficient masturbation will also be taught as part of the curriculum in Hamilton County schools.

The program, entitled “Get Off and Get On with Your Life,” teaches male and female students how to perform swift, efficient and satisfying self-gratification, so that the students have more free time for other activities.

“Studies have shown that, on average, teenagers spend 41% of their spare time masturbating,” said Hamilton County Schools Director of Health Dr. Muffy Hardin to The Chattanooga Bystander. “These studies have also shown that most teenagers are doing it in a grossly inefficient manner. This is time that could be spent playing sports, studying or socializing.”

“There are also environmental benefits to this initiative,” said Hardin. “Millions of gallons of water are wasted every year by teenagers who either take unnecessarily long showers or turn on the faucet in order to drown out the sounds of masturbation.”

Masturbation has long been a highly controversial topic in public discourse. Former Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders drew criticism in 1994 and was fired for suggesting that masturbation be promoted, saying, “I think that it is part of human sexuality, and perhaps it should be taught,” and the Chattanooga Times Free Press refused to publish a column last month written by former editor Drew Johnson which described the benefits of online pornography, including reduced occurrences of rape and sexual assault and lower rates of divorce and teenage pregnancy.

“While most parents have the ‘birds and the bees’ talk with their children at some point, almost all are understandably reluctant to discuss the topic of masturbation,” said Hardin.

Dr. Hardin received her medical degree from Johns Hopkins University and was a researcher at the Kinsey Institute for six years, and under the stage name “Sindee McPooncooter,” Hardin has starred in adult films including The League of Extraordinarily Large Gentlemen, Tricks Up the Wizard’s Sleeve 34 and The Curious Case of Benjamin Butthole.

“The curriculum will be the first of its kind in a public-school setting in the United States, and the coursework is extensive,” said Hardin. “Girls will be taught the benefits of using the proper equipment, such as a Hitachi Magic Wand, Vibrating Egg or Magic Bullet. I hope no girl in this country will ever use a hairbrush handle instead of a proper simulacrum.”

“Boys will be taught proper grip technique,” said Hardin. “We will teach why the ‘death grip’ should be avoided, unless the student wants a nickname such as ‘Captain Hook’ in later life.”

“Teenagers also waste valuable hours scouring the web for pictures and videos, when perfectly serviceable material is often right at hand,” said Hardin. “Our curriculum will demonstrate that your mother’s Lane Bryant catalog on the coffee table will do in a pinch.”

Chattanooga Police deploys anti-chicken strike force

Published on August 15, 2013

Politics

Chickens (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/feqikU)

It’s a summer afternoon in North Chattanooga, and a man in a wool, slate-gray pinstriped double-breasted suit stands unflinchingly in the 90-degree heat; his commanding figure is completed by an ink-black necktie and a matching silk display handkerchief, and below his obsidian sunglasses, his lips slowly kiss his Dunhill cigarette like it was his bride on their wedding day and liberate a series of perfect smoke rings, which wax steadily before dissipating in the still, dry air.

With one graceful motion, he flicks the spent cigarette butt into oblivion and says to his team of three police officers, “Let’s cock-a-doodle-do this.”

He nods his head to the poised officers, who suddenly descend upon a Tremont St. house like bats out of hell.

“Police! Police! Chicken strike force!” barks the man, while holding out a badge toward the house’s front door.

“I’m cool, man, I ain’t got no chickens,” says a wavering voice from within the house.

“Wanna play chicken, do ya?” replies the man in the suit.

An officer at the side of the house yells out, “Coop spotted! Coop spotted!” as the other officers join him and run into the backyard.

The man in the suit squints his eyes, forms a small, devious smile and says, “You picked the wrong person to cluck with,” as the squawks of terrified chickens are heard in the distance.

The man is Webb “The Eggman” Wegman, the latest addition to the Chattanooga Police and the head of the newly formed Chicken Strike Force, created to crack down on the scourge of illegal chickens within Chattanooga city limits.

Wegman’s last beat was “cock-blocking,” as Wegman refers to it, on the mean streets of Chicago, apprehending both cockfighting gambling rings and the growing menace of urban chicken farmers, tied in with the seedy underbelly of Chicago’s organic-egg black market.

After a bust of a massive cockfighting ring which resulted in the tragic death of his wife at the hands of vengeful bookies and a rooster-inflicted eye injury, which made his distinctive sunglasses a medical necessity at all times, Wegman accepted an honorable discharge from the force a year ago, but as the foremost expert on cock-blocking in the nation, the Chattanooga Police Department made him an offer he just couldn’t refuse.

“I guess I’m back for another one of those cock-blocking beats,” says Wegman.

It’s another day with the Chicken Strike Force on the streets of Chattanooga, and something seems to be bothering Wegman, who looks agitated while walking in front of an unassuming East Brainerd house.

Typically, the Chicken Strike Force receives anonymous tips regarding illegal urban chickens, but sometimes, Wegman’s uncanny intuition and heightened senses can sniff out an illicit coop.

“I suspect fowl play,” says Wegman, while directing his piercing stare toward the house. “You’re about to see why they call me ‘The Eggman.'”

Wegman walks to his unmarked squad car and takes out a worn and weathered Louisville Slugger baseball bat, on which the words “OMELET MAKER” are written in block letters.

“You can’t make an omelet without breaking some eggs,” says Wegman.

He unlatches the gate to the backyard of the house and makes a beeline to a small mound in the far corner, covered by a dark green tarp.

A woman wearing a floral-print muumuu emerges from the house and briskly walks behind Wegman, saying, “I don’t have any chickens, if that’s what you’re looking for, officer.”

Wegman grabs the tarp and throws it dramatically, revealing several nests filled with eggs.

“No chickens, you say?” says Wegman. “Well, here’s egg on your face.”

Wegman violently brings his baseball bat down on the eggs, covering both himself and the woman with flying bits of eggshell and yolk as the woman cries out, “No! No!”

“Who are you?” asks the woman, visibly shaken.

“I am the Eggman,” says Wegman, solemnly. “Goo goo ga joob.”

David Blaine to crucify self on The Crossing’s giant cross for next stunt

Published on August 9, 2013

Culture

David Blaine (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/31UWPQ)

At a press conference yesterday afternoon in New York City, magician David Blaine announced that for his next stunt, he would crucify himself on the tallest of the three newly built giant crosses in Chattanooga at The Crossing Church off Interstate 75.

Blaine rose to prominence early in his career as a street magician before performing extreme stunts and tests of endurance, including being frozen in a block of ice for 63 hours, being suspended over the River Thames in a Plexiglas case without food for 44 days and being electrified with one million volts continuously for 72 hours.

“Some people, when they see a magnificent, towering mountain, they say, ‘I want to climb that,'” said Blaine, while “The Final Countdown” by Europe played in the background. “When I heard about these giant crosses being built in Tennessee, I immediately said, ‘I want to crucify myself on that.'”

“For 40 days and 40 nights, you will see me on the tallest of the three crosses, without food or shade from the blistering sun,” said Blaine. “Jesus Christ was only on the cross for less than a day, and I plan on beating his record, many times over.”

GIGTANK 2013: New textile printer turns babies into billboards

Published on August 6, 2013

Business/GIGTANK!

GIGTANK’s “Demo Day” on August 6 brings together in “Gig City” Chattanooga some of America’s brightest, perkiest and most promising entrepreneurs, who will pitch their technologies to a panel of experts. Who will emerge from the GIGTANK victorious and who will get tanked? The Chattanooga Bystander profiles the startups and their ground-breaking, innovative ideas.

“Imagine if you will, a world where low-income families can receive free baby clothing and diapers with no burden whatsoever on taxpayers or even charities,” said Fran Hindelmeyer. “Imagine these clothing designs being transmitted automatically across the Internet and printed at home, for ultimate convenience.”

“The future is here, my friends,” said Hindelmeyer to a roar of applause.

Hindelmeyer described how the new startup BabyBillboard has joined forces with advertising partners for this new textile printing technology, which creates custom-made baby clothing printed with advertising with an all-in-one unit that only requires an Internet connection.

“This is a win-win situation. Struggling, poor families get baby clothes at no cost to them, while corporations get valuable advertising,” said Hindelmeyer. “Who knows where this idea might go. Google is one of the most powerful companies on the planet, and most of its revenue comes from advertising.”

“Everybody loves babies,” said Hindelmeyer. “People can’t take their eyes off them, and people love to take photos of them. That’s what makes them perfect for advertising space.”

“One of our advertising partners is the condom manufacturer Durex,” said Hindelmeyer. “It’s a perfect match. What better advertisement for condoms is there, than a screaming, bratty baby wearing a Durex onesie?”

GIGTANK 2013: “That’s What She Said” app to revolutionize texting

Published on August 6, 2013

Business/GIGTANK!

"That's What She Said" app screenshot — *“That’s What She Said” app screenshot*

GIGTANK’s “Demo Day” on August 6 brings together in “Gig City” Chattanooga some of America’s brightest, perkiest and most promising entrepreneurs, who will pitch their technologies to a panel of experts. Who will emerge from the GIGTANK victorious and who will get tanked? The Chattanooga Bystander profiles the startups and their ground-breaking, innovative ideas.

“It is safe to say that the ‘That’s What She Said’ mobile app will dramatically change the way we communicate,” said TWSS Technologies founder Cynthia Kerautty to the expert panel.

“That’s what she said,” said TWSS Technologies software developer Sylvester Chundler while pointing to Kerautty, eliciting laughter from the entire room.

“Studies have shown that if you reply to any statement with ‘That’s what she said,’ then 29% of the time, it will be funny,” explained Kerautty. “Statistically speaking, those are good odds, which we wanted to exploit with our new app that will surely revolutionize texting.”

“After you install our app, whenever you receive an incoming text message, the app will automatically and indiscriminately reply back with the text ‘That’s what she said,'” said Kerautty. “Sometimes, it won’t make any sense, but when it works, put on your earmuffs because big laughs are coming.”

Regarding the future of the app, Chundler explained that his team of developers has been working diligently on the next version of the app that will respond to incoming text messages with the phrase ‘Don’t go there.'”