Francis Porkloin

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.

Heartwarming: Hwy 27 workers pass down skills to kids, grandkids so they can complete Hwy 27 project

Like a father teaching his son how to shave, construction workers on the delayed Highway 27 project have started teaching their children and grandchildren the skills they will need to complete the project.

Although the work was scheduled to have a January 28, 2020 completion date, that deadline will not be met, and an extension was granted, citing several unforeseen issues such as unusually pleasant weather in December, the release of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare, and Kayne West dropping his surprise album Jesus Is Born on Christmas Day.

“Don’t rightly know when we’ll finish this highway, but by gum, I’m going to teach my boys how to mix a mean batch of concrete, just like my daddy taught me when he began this project,” said construction worker Travis Rillner.

David Blaine to return to Chattanooga to drink glass of unboiled tap water

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After performing last year at Chattanooga’s Tivoli Theatre, street magician and death-defying endurance artist David Blaine said that he would be making a surprise return to Chattanooga this weekend to perform one of the riskiest stunts of his career: to drink an entire glass of tap water that has not been boiled, despite Tennessee American Water’s precautionary “boil water advisory” in effect after a major water main had broken and was repaired.

“David is off the chain with this stunt,” said local fan Wendy Tudanna. “This is a guy who shot himself in the mouth on purpose, catching the bullet in a metal cup held between his teeth. He was suspended over the River Thames for 44 days in a Plexiglas case. But I’m genuinely afraid for him with this stunt.”

Residents urged to conserve water except hospitals, bikini car washes

In response to a water outage caused by a 36-inch water main break, Chattanooga residents are urged to conserve water while service is being restored, except for hospitals and bikini car washes.

“Please, let’s all try to be responsible citizens during this challenging time, and only use water for the most important reasons, like when there is an urgent medical need, or if you are running a smokin’ hot bikini car wash,” said local officials.

“Emergency supplies of water are being delivered to local hospitals, for those with medical conditions, and bikini car washes, to ensure that there are enough pails of soapy water to wet down those slippery, magnificent curves on hot, sweaty bods, scrubbing away at dirty cars under the sweltering sun, on these last days of summer, before our youth wastes away and is but a faint memory, like the fading scent of honeysuckle as we danced barefoot in the forest with wildflowers in our hair,” officials said.

Ample supply of local craft beer to replace water

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After a water main break occurred Thursday evening, disrupting water supplies to areas including downtown and North Chattanooga, local breweries came to the rescue by replacing water with delicious craft beer.

“As you know, there have been over 70 new breweries that have opened up in Chattanooga in the last five years,” said local brewer Carter Govlet, the owner of the brewpub Beerly Legal. “We could fill up the Tennessee River with craft beer, if we wanted to.”

Utility workers were able to use existing piping at breweries to pump craft beer into water supply pipes, allowing residents to conduct their normal, daily activities using beer instead of water.

“We even figured out a way to have two different beer varieties flow through the water supply system,” said Kat Pratdon, brewmaster of Pret-a-Porter. “If you turn on your hot water tap, you’ll get a nice, creamy stout, with notes of Kona coffee and chocolate truffles. Turn on your cold water tap, and you’ll get a floral IPA, with sweet citrus tones and a woody, hoppy aroma.”

“Please, go about your daily routines, and enjoy the decadent luxury of completely immersing yourself in a bathtub full of premium beer,” said Ashley Visconte, brewmaster of the brewpub Beer, Uncertainty and Stout.

Four new chicken plants to open downtown to meet chicken sandwich demand

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While rampant speculation remains about whether or not developer John Wise intends to facilitate the move of the Pilgrim’s Pride chicken plant from downtown to property he purchased in Dade County, Georgia, it was announced today that four new chicken plants would open in downtown Chattanooga to meet the high demand for chicken sandwiches.

“People are going batshit crazy over Popeye’s new chicken sandwiches, which became an instant sensation and have quickly sold out,” said Manny Brurchil, a local chicken industry expert. “They’re so popular, people are auctioning them off on eBay, and one Chattanooga man is suing Popeye’s because they ran out before he could get one.”

“We might be heading toward a recession, so business investors are looking at industries that are recession-proof,” said Brurchil. “If people are unemployed, they still want to drink beer, maybe even more than they used to because they’re sad and have spare time.”

“The same goes for fried chicken sandwiches. Sad people don’t reach for healthy salads,” said Brurchil. “Building more chicken processing plants, right in the middle of downtown, is smart money.”

“Lots of people complain about the smell of chicken plants, but it’s not the stench of failure,” said Brurchil. “It’s the stench of success.”

“That, my friends, is the smell of money,” said Brurchil. “And putrid chicken shit.”

All city areas to be renamed after New York City neighborhoods

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An agreement between the city of Chattanooga and local developers was made to gradually rename all parts of Chattanooga after New York City neighborhoods.

“The ‘West Village’ of Chattanooga was our test run, and it has been a resounding success,” said local developer Trudy Bendberry. “When you stroll past the outdoor ‘ARTSY’ word sculpture, you feel like you are transported to the urban bohemia of west Greenwich Village, but without the jazz clubs or bustling art scene or beatnik coffeehouses or really any cultural identity.”

It was clarified that any area that already bears the name of a New York City neighborhood, past or present, is exempt from the ordinance, such as the “Five Points” apartment complex on the Northshore.

“We are going to have fun with this,” said Bendberry. “Miller Park will be renamed ‘Central Park,’ the area near Market and Main Street will be ‘Times Square,’ and the Innovation District will be renamed ‘Battery Park,’ because, you know, tech gadgets and smartphones run off batteries.”

“SoHo, the Bowery, Tribeca, Harlem, Chinatown,” said Bendberry. “All just ripe for the pickin’.”

Samuel L. Jackson to star in “Snakes in a Toilet”

After two separate reports of local residents finding snakes in their toilets, former Chattanooga resident Samuel L. Jackson announced that he would star in a new movie entitled “Snakes in a Toilet,” which would be a sequel of the 2006 film “Snakes on a Plane.”

“I have had it with these motherfucking snakes in these motherfucking toilets!” said Jackson at a press conference. “We don’t have a script yet, but these things practically write themselves.”

“We also don’t have a director, or producer or studio yet, and all we know – and when I say ‘we’ I mean ‘I’ – is that there is going to be a motherfucking movie called ‘Snakes in a Toilet,’ based on these motherfucking stories about people finding motherfucking snakes in toilets in motherfucking Chattanooga,” said Jackson.

Festival rules say Riverbend wristbands must be worn until death

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Attendees of the newly revamped 4-day Riverbend Festival, which began today, were shocked to learn that their admission wristbands must be worn until they die.

“I knew that you weren’t allowed to remove your wristband until the end of the festival,” said Riverbend attendee Butch Ausphot, while squinting at the wristband. “But by golly, there it is, right in the fine print: ‘Wristband must be worn until death.'”

“I came to Riverbend to see Weezer tonight, Lionel Richie tomorrow and Keith Urban Friday night, but next week, I’m nude modeling for an art class,” said resident Wendy Flormeyer. “I guess you’ll see this stupid bracelet in everyone’s paintings.”

Upon death, a coroner’s report or death certificate must be presented to a Riverbend official, who will then use a special state-of-the-art tool to remove the wristband, which will administer an electric shock to the wearer if tampered with.

Since the wristbands cannot be removed until death, repeat festival goers that accumulate wristbands over the years will eventually completely cover one or both of their arms.

Knowing this, the wristband graphic designers developed a 15-year plan, so that festival attendees who accumulate wristbands for the next 15 years and line them up in the correct order will end up with a sleeve that bears the likeness of Keith Urban and his wife Nicole Kidman recreating the opening scene of the film Eyes Wide Shut.

“I am really disappointed about this wristband rule,” said attendee Isaac Chris. “They did a bad bad thing.”

Clippy makes surprise visit to Howard School

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The students and teachers of Howard School were surprised today by a visit from Clippy, the anthropomorphic paper clip from Microsoft Office software, on its annual Awards Day.

“It looks like you’re graduating from Howard School!” said Clippy, who was floating in mid-air on a sheet of yellow notepad paper. “Would you like help writing a graduation speech?”

“No? You want a sexy hologram to help you instead? I’m no Cortana, that’s for sure!” said Clippy, getting laughs from the audience. “But seriously, Cortana and I are good friends, and she helped me get over my divorce to Siri.”

In Clippy’s speech, he discussed his background, from being a human personal assistant who was killed in an office supply closet in a grisly, freak accident, that magically transferred his soul to a humble paper clip.

“Did you know that I helped Newt Gingrich write his resignation letter in 1998?” said Clippy, who recounted his swift rise to fame after being hired by Microsoft for its Office software. “Just last week, I held some papers together that belong to Cardi B.”

“Not many people know this, but I was the paper clip that MacGyver used to fashion a thermonuclear device out of a toaster oven, an alarm clock and 20 discarded smoke detectors,” said Clippy.

TDOT safety tips for roadside fighting

Wait, did that asshole in a pickup with truck nuts on I-24 just cut you off? Don’t be a pussy – it’s time to rumble! But even when engaging in bare-knuckle melee by the side of a busy highway, you should heed these safety tips from the Tennessee Department of Transportation:

* Before you pull over, turn on your turn signal, which should work perfectly since it’s never been used before.

* Pick a spot on the shoulder to pull over where there is enough room for your Hummer H2 and your bumblebee-sized penis.

* If it is nighttime, turn on your blinking hazard lights, because it will make the fight look like that awesome action shot in “Kill Bill” where everyone’s in silhouette.

* To be visible to traffic, wear a reflective safety vest or carry a mirrored disco ball with you.

* Do not smash your opponent’s car window with a tomahawk, or else Indiana Jones will suddenly appear and reprimand you, saying that the Native American artifact should belong in a museum.

* If your opponent is Chun-Li, watch out for the Spinning Bird Kick! But then you can viciously taunt her by saying, “I see London, I see France, I see Chun-Li’s underpants.”

* Although it sounds like it would be a great way to intimidate your opponent, it’s generally unsafe to take a bite out of raw roadkill.