Francis Porkloin

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.

Bloomberg announces Monopoly Man as VP running mate

At a rally today at the Bessie Smith Cultural Center in Chattanooga, Democratic billionaire presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg announced that he has selected the Monopoly Man as his running mate.

“This was a tough decision to make,” said Bloomberg, the former mayor of New York City who is the ninth richest person in the U.S.A. “But, he was the most qualified candidate for Vice President I could find, and by ‘most qualified’ I mean ‘most filthy stinking rich.'”

“Every night, he sleeps on a giant mountain of gold coins, and it’s true that he named his oldest daughter ‘Capital Gains,'” said Bloomberg about the Monopoly Man, also known as Rich Uncle Pennybags.

Bloomberg said that the Monopoly Man beat out other worthy Vice Presidential candidates that were under consideration, including Scrooge McDuck, Richie Rich, and a tiny metal top hat.

Monday forecast: sunny 70 degrees, then snow, floods, blood rain, plagues of locusts, frogs, chicken parts

Forecasters are predicting Monday’s weather in Chattanooga to include sunny, 70-degree weather, then a snowstorm, then flash flooding, then a torrent of blood rain, then plagues of locusts, frogs and chicken parts.

“Don’t stow away your galoshes just yet! It’s been a wild week, and it’s just going to get wilder,” said local weather forecaster Pat Valdasto. “Bring your umbrella, because we’re expecting to see locusts and frogs and random chicken parts, just flying around everywhere.”

“I’m just a meteorologist, and there’s no need to panic,” said Valdasto. “But in my expert opinion, I think God or Shiva or Cthulhu is angry with us, and we are all going to die horrible, painful deaths soon.”

Repurposing Hershey’s syrup bottle as water bottle best thing a Republican has done in years

Using a repurposed Hershey’s chocolate syrup bottle as a water bottle by Tennessee State Representative Kent Calfee has been widely recognized as the best thing a Republican has done in years.

“This is a grade A life-hack, my friends,” said local environmentalist Summer Starlight. “We should all be inspired to repurpose things that would otherwise end up in a landfill.”

“Bravo, Mr. Calfee, bravo, you magnificent nature-loving cheapskate,” said Starlight.

Calfee was later seen using an old sock as a reusable coffee filter.

Women’s Rally seeks men to manage next year’s event after low turnout

After the Chattanooga Women’s Rally on Saturday experienced a low turnout of around 80 people, controversially changing its direction from a protest march to a non-activist event including a conservative speaker, organizers announced that it would be seeking men to manage next year’s event.

“Sometimes you just need a big, strong, smart man to open a jar or lift a heavy box or organize a women’s rally,” said rally coordinator Cheryl Harnland. “I get dizzy just thinking about it!”

This year’s controversial Women’s Rally was a spinoff of the International Women’s Marches, which were events protesting President Trump, and in 2017, the Chattanooga Women’s March had around 3,000 participants.

The organizers changed the focus of the event this year to commemorate the centennial of the 19th Amendment, rather than having a protest march, and this change received significant criticism, since it included having state Representative Robin Smith (R-Hixson) speak, whose non-progressive voting record on social issues including LGBT rights, abortion and health care was considered to be anti-feminist.

“We’ll let the boys figure it out for next year’s rally, but one thing we definitely want next time is a big singalong version of ‘Kumbaya’ while everyone holds hands,” said Harnland. “Someone also suggested a wet t-shirt contest, which might be fun.”

Heartwarming: Hwy 27 workers pass down skills to kids, grandkids so they can complete Hwy 27 project

Like a father teaching his son how to shave, construction workers on the delayed Highway 27 project have started teaching their children and grandchildren the skills they will need to complete the project.

Although the work was scheduled to have a January 28, 2020 completion date, that deadline will not be met, and an extension was granted, citing several unforeseen issues such as unusually pleasant weather in December, the release of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare, and Kayne West dropping his surprise album Jesus Is Born on Christmas Day.

“Don’t rightly know when we’ll finish this highway, but by gum, I’m going to teach my boys how to mix a mean batch of concrete, just like my daddy taught me when he began this project,” said construction worker Travis Rillner.

David Blaine to return to Chattanooga to drink glass of unboiled tap water

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After performing last year at Chattanooga’s Tivoli Theatre, street magician and death-defying endurance artist David Blaine said that he would be making a surprise return to Chattanooga this weekend to perform one of the riskiest stunts of his career: to drink an entire glass of tap water that has not been boiled, despite Tennessee American Water’s precautionary “boil water advisory” in effect after a major water main had broken and was repaired.

“David is off the chain with this stunt,” said local fan Wendy Tudanna. “This is a guy who shot himself in the mouth on purpose, catching the bullet in a metal cup held between his teeth. He was suspended over the River Thames for 44 days in a Plexiglas case. But I’m genuinely afraid for him with this stunt.”

Residents urged to conserve water except hospitals, bikini car washes

In response to a water outage caused by a 36-inch water main break, Chattanooga residents are urged to conserve water while service is being restored, except for hospitals and bikini car washes.

“Please, let’s all try to be responsible citizens during this challenging time, and only use water for the most important reasons, like when there is an urgent medical need, or if you are running a smokin’ hot bikini car wash,” said local officials.

“Emergency supplies of water are being delivered to local hospitals, for those with medical conditions, and bikini car washes, to ensure that there are enough pails of soapy water to wet down those slippery, magnificent curves on hot, sweaty bods, scrubbing away at dirty cars under the sweltering sun, on these last days of summer, before our youth wastes away and is but a faint memory, like the fading scent of honeysuckle as we danced barefoot in the forest with wildflowers in our hair,” officials said.

Ample supply of local craft beer to replace water

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After a water main break occurred Thursday evening, disrupting water supplies to areas including downtown and North Chattanooga, local breweries came to the rescue by replacing water with delicious craft beer.

“As you know, there have been over 70 new breweries that have opened up in Chattanooga in the last five years,” said local brewer Carter Govlet, the owner of the brewpub Beerly Legal. “We could fill up the Tennessee River with craft beer, if we wanted to.”

Utility workers were able to use existing piping at breweries to pump craft beer into water supply pipes, allowing residents to conduct their normal, daily activities using beer instead of water.

“We even figured out a way to have two different beer varieties flow through the water supply system,” said Kat Pratdon, brewmaster of Pret-a-Porter. “If you turn on your hot water tap, you’ll get a nice, creamy stout, with notes of Kona coffee and chocolate truffles. Turn on your cold water tap, and you’ll get a floral IPA, with sweet citrus tones and a woody, hoppy aroma.”

“Please, go about your daily routines, and enjoy the decadent luxury of completely immersing yourself in a bathtub full of premium beer,” said Ashley Visconte, brewmaster of the brewpub Beer, Uncertainty and Stout.

Four new chicken plants to open downtown to meet chicken sandwich demand

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While rampant speculation remains about whether or not developer John Wise intends to facilitate the move of the Pilgrim’s Pride chicken plant from downtown to property he purchased in Dade County, Georgia, it was announced today that four new chicken plants would open in downtown Chattanooga to meet the high demand for chicken sandwiches.

“People are going batshit crazy over Popeye’s new chicken sandwiches, which became an instant sensation and have quickly sold out,” said Manny Brurchil, a local chicken industry expert. “They’re so popular, people are auctioning them off on eBay, and one Chattanooga man is suing Popeye’s because they ran out before he could get one.”

“We might be heading toward a recession, so business investors are looking at industries that are recession-proof,” said Brurchil. “If people are unemployed, they still want to drink beer, maybe even more than they used to because they’re sad and have spare time.”

“The same goes for fried chicken sandwiches. Sad people don’t reach for healthy salads,” said Brurchil. “Building more chicken processing plants, right in the middle of downtown, is smart money.”

“Lots of people complain about the smell of chicken plants, but it’s not the stench of failure,” said Brurchil. “It’s the stench of success.”

“That, my friends, is the smell of money,” said Brurchil. “And putrid chicken shit.”

All city areas to be renamed after New York City neighborhoods

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An agreement between the city of Chattanooga and local developers was made to gradually rename all parts of Chattanooga after New York City neighborhoods.

“The ‘West Village’ of Chattanooga was our test run, and it has been a resounding success,” said local developer Trudy Bendberry. “When you stroll past the outdoor ‘ARTSY’ word sculpture, you feel like you are transported to the urban bohemia of west Greenwich Village, but without the jazz clubs or bustling art scene or beatnik coffeehouses or really any cultural identity.”

It was clarified that any area that already bears the name of a New York City neighborhood, past or present, is exempt from the ordinance, such as the “Five Points” apartment complex on the Northshore.

“We are going to have fun with this,” said Bendberry. “Miller Park will be renamed ‘Central Park,’ the area near Market and Main Street will be ‘Times Square,’ and the Innovation District will be renamed ‘Battery Park,’ because, you know, tech gadgets and smartphones run off batteries.”

“SoHo, the Bowery, Tribeca, Harlem, Chinatown,” said Bendberry. “All just ripe for the pickin’.”