Francis Porkloin

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.

Samuel L. Jackson to star in “Snakes in a Toilet”

After two separate reports of local residents finding snakes in their toilets, former Chattanooga resident Samuel L. Jackson announced that he would star in a new movie entitled “Snakes in a Toilet,” which would be a sequel of the 2006 film “Snakes on a Plane.”

“I have had it with these motherfucking snakes in these motherfucking toilets!” said Jackson at a press conference. “We don’t have a script yet, but these things practically write themselves.”

“We also don’t have a director, or producer or studio yet, and all we know – and when I say ‘we’ I mean ‘I’ – is that there is going to be a motherfucking movie called ‘Snakes in a Toilet,’ based on these motherfucking stories about people finding motherfucking snakes in toilets in motherfucking Chattanooga,” said Jackson.

Festival rules say Riverbend wristbands must be worn until death

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Attendees of the newly revamped 4-day Riverbend Festival, which began today, were shocked to learn that their admission wristbands must be worn until they die.

“I knew that you weren’t allowed to remove your wristband until the end of the festival,” said Riverbend attendee Butch Ausphot, while squinting at the wristband. “But by golly, there it is, right in the fine print: ‘Wristband must be worn until death.'”

“I came to Riverbend to see Weezer tonight, Lionel Richie tomorrow and Keith Urban Friday night, but next week, I’m nude modeling for an art class,” said resident Wendy Flormeyer. “I guess you’ll see this stupid bracelet in everyone’s paintings.”

Upon death, a coroner’s report or death certificate must be presented to a Riverbend official, who will then use a special state-of-the-art tool to remove the wristband, which will administer an electric shock to the wearer if tampered with.

Since the wristbands cannot be removed until death, repeat festival goers that accumulate wristbands over the years will eventually completely cover one or both of their arms.

Knowing this, the wristband graphic designers developed a 15-year plan, so that festival attendees who accumulate wristbands for the next 15 years and line them up in the correct order will end up with a sleeve that bears the likeness of Keith Urban and his wife Nicole Kidman recreating the opening scene of the film Eyes Wide Shut.

“I am really disappointed about this wristband rule,” said attendee Isaac Chris. “They did a bad bad thing.”

Clippy makes surprise visit to Howard School

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The students and teachers of Howard School were surprised today by a visit from Clippy, the anthropomorphic paper clip from Microsoft Office software, on its annual Awards Day.

“It looks like you’re graduating from Howard School!” said Clippy, who was floating in mid-air on a sheet of yellow notepad paper. “Would you like help writing a graduation speech?”

“No? You want a sexy hologram to help you instead? I’m no Cortana, that’s for sure!” said Clippy, getting laughs from the audience. “But seriously, Cortana and I are good friends, and she helped me get over my divorce to Siri.”

In Clippy’s speech, he discussed his background, from being a human personal assistant who was killed in an office supply closet in a grisly, freak accident, that magically transferred his soul to a humble paper clip.

“Did you know that I helped Newt Gingrich write his resignation letter in 1998?” said Clippy, who recounted his swift rise to fame after being hired by Microsoft for its Office software. “Just last week, I held some papers together that belong to Cardi B.”

“Not many people know this, but I was the paper clip that MacGyver used to fashion a thermonuclear device out of a toaster oven, an alarm clock and 20 discarded smoke detectors,” said Clippy.

TDOT safety tips for roadside fighting

Wait, did that asshole in a pickup with truck nuts on I-24 just cut you off? Don’t be a pussy – it’s time to rumble! But even when engaging in bare-knuckle melee by the side of a busy highway, you should heed these safety tips from the Tennessee Department of Transportation:

* Before you pull over, turn on your turn signal, which should work perfectly since it’s never been used before.

* Pick a spot on the shoulder to pull over where there is enough room for your Hummer H2 and your bumblebee-sized penis.

* If it is nighttime, turn on your blinking hazard lights, because it will make the fight look like that awesome action shot in “Kill Bill” where everyone’s in silhouette.

* To be visible to traffic, wear a reflective safety vest or carry a mirrored disco ball with you.

* Do not smash your opponent’s car window with a tomahawk, or else Indiana Jones will suddenly appear and reprimand you, saying that the Native American artifact should belong in a museum.

* If your opponent is Chun-Li, watch out for the Spinning Bird Kick! But then you can viciously taunt her by saying, “I see London, I see France, I see Chun-Li’s underpants.”

* Although it sounds like it would be a great way to intimidate your opponent, it’s generally unsafe to take a bite out of raw roadkill.

Ala. lawmakers declare life begins when stork kisses bee in cabbage patch

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Alabama state legislators passed a controversial bill today declaring that human life begins when a stork kisses a bee in a cabbage patch.

“According to our best male scientists, who have a deep understanding of the human reproductive system, a baby is created when a man and a woman love each other very much, and they hold hands,” said state legislator Bud Holleren. “Watching from Heaven, Jesus sees this and sends a stork down to earth, where it kisses a honeybee in a cabbage patch, and wham, you’ve got yourself a baby – a precious little sugar dumpling.”

“Human life begins right at that moment, in the cabbage patch,” said Holleren. “Someone told me you can make a baby by carving a hole into a head of cabbage and then sticking your wang-dang-doodle in the hole, but I tried it, and although it was fun, it didn’t work.”

Moxy, EPB to harness fucking as renewable energy source

Moxy Hotel and EPB unveiled today a plan to expand local renewable energy sources by harnessing the power of fucking at Moxy’s Chattanooga location.

“It feels good to be environmentally conscious,” said Ashley Hawkittel, a representative for the partnership. “You know what else feels good? Fucking.”

Hawkittel explained that all furniture, showers, tubs, flooring, walls and ceilings in the hotel have been fitted with state-of-the-art pressure absorbers, that convert the physical movement of fucking into electrical energy.

According to Hawkittel, solo travelers can also be a part of the program by using special “Love Gloves” that harness the power of self-pleasure.

The announcement comes on the heels of Moxy’s commitment to purchase renewable energy credits to cover 12 upcoming events and its partnership with EPB to allow hotel guests to pay a little extra to power their stays using only 100% locally generated solar power.

“Whether it’s a morning quickie or an all-night fuck fest, you can help generate clean energy,” said Hawkittel.

“Or should I say, dirty energy?” said Hawkittel, with a wink.

Demon accidentally summoned at Sculpture Burn

Chattanooga authorities are asking locals to remain calm after it was revealed that last night’s Sculpture Burn at the “Spring into Sculpture” event at Sculpture Fields accidentally summoned a demon.

“We knew there was a possibility of this happening, so that’s why we purchased demon insurance,” said event organizer Morgan Ontenman. “Insurance will pay for a bonded and licensed demon hunter. When dealing with ‘chaotic evil’ demon lords who have over one hundred hit points, it’s best to stick with experienced professionals.”

Residents are urged to call the police if they spot the demon, which looks like a cross between one of those blue humanoids from the film Avatar and fitness instructor Tony Little.

If confronted, make loud noises to scare it away or carry a ‘demon whistle,’ available at most sporting goods stores, which creates a sound that is painful for demons to hear.

Investigators have noted that the burning of the 3-story wooden structure by itself wasn’t enough to summon the demon and that someone could have thrown mandrake or nightshade into the fire while reciting a spell in an arcane language.

“Who knows? Maybe someone was just blasting Mötley Crüe from their car stereo during the Sculpture Burn,” said Ontenman.

Coyote Jacks releases new playlist of farm-themed songs after urban music ban

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After a recent announcement from the nightclub Coyote Jacks about renovations and a ban on “all forms of urban music,” which some perceived as being racist, a new playlist was released for the club featuring only farm-themed songs.

“You’d be surprised about the rich assortment of songs out there about growing sorghum,” said Eulas “Critter” Daholler, a representative for Coyote Jacks. “They went over well at the last square dance we had.”

“You know, some people call Coyote Jacks a meat market, but we want to stress that it’s farm-fresh meat,” said Daholler.

“Like a good old-fashioned barn-raising, we want Coyote Jacks to be a center of social activity, and we have a full calendar ahead of husking bees and quilting bees,” said Daholler. “Really, any kind of bee.”

The new farm-themed playlist includes songs such as “Maggie’s Farm” by Bob Dylan, “Farm Song” by Hank Williams Jr., 2Pac’s cover of “Old MacDonald Had a Farm” and “Damn It Feels Good to Be a Farmer” by the Geto Boys.

School closings blamed on children not vaccinated for cooties

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Hamilton County Schools were closed today due to illness, and an outbreak of cooties was to blame, despite the wide availability of a vaccine.

“It may look like innocent hand-holding, but let me tell you, boys and girls, spreading cooties is no laughing matter,” said school nurse Pat Grundersen. “And if you’re not vaccinated, don’t even think about sharing a milkshake, even while facing each other with two separate straws, like you’re in a dang Norman Rockwell painting.”

Experts point to the anti-vaccination movement and the misconception that vaccines cause autism, which has long been debunked, as the root cause of this local cooties epidemic.

This year, there has been a measles outbreak in Washington state, and according to the CDC, up to 56,000 flu-associated deaths can occur annually in the United States alone.

“You know all those Precious Moments angel figurines? You ever wonder why they’re in heaven?” said Grundersen. “Cooties.”

Police recommend putting nacho cheese in pockets to thwart pickpockets

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After video footage was released of a pickpocket stealing a woman’s phone at a convenience store, Chattanooga Police recommended that people put nacho cheese in their pockets to discourage theft.

“Don’t be a victim, especially to some douchebag thief who dresses like Silent Bob’s friend Jay,” said officer Terry Maptrost. “The best way to thwart would-be pickpockets is to fill your pockets with nacho cheese.”

Maptrost advised that any liquid cheese would do the job and said that using slices of American cheese was not recommended.

“You’ll also want to avoid hard cheeses, like Pecorino, cheddar or Gouda,” said Maptrost. “Ladies, just squirt a few pumps of nacho cheese into your purse, and you’re good to go.”

“Imagine the look on some jerkwad’s face when he withdraws his hand from your pocket, not holding a wallet, but covered with warm, gooey nacho cheese,” said Maptrost. “Busted! This is na-cho lucky day, sucka.”

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