Culture - Page 5

Bessie Smith descendants recall her favorite hipster craft beer bars during Strut

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While hundreds crowd Martin Luther King Jr Boulevard for Riverbend’s Bessie Smith Strut, descendants of the late Chattanooga singer reflect of her favorite hipster craft beer spots.

Reporters caught up with Smith’s descendants as they enjoyed the Strut’s fried chicken offerings while surrounded by a group of drunk caucasians.

“When Bessie wasn’t chomping down on a 5 lb turkey leg or a stick of deep-fried butter wrapped in a funnel cake, she was enjoying a refreshing small batch IPA by a local microbrewery,” explained Bessie Smiths great great great nephew, Nessie Smith.

Singing man shocks Riverbend Festival attendees with profanity-ridden performance (NOT REAL)

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During his Saturday night performance at the 2017 Riverbend Festival, former Eagles member song singing man sent attendances home shocked and upset with his profanity-laced lyrics. All of this happened just an hour before the 9:30 headliner Ludacris took the stage with his family friendly show.

The night began to take a turn for Riverbend attendees after man’s rendition of Hotel California included the lines “Welcome to the h*llhole that is Hotel California, such a shi**y place, and I will f**k your face.”

The night became even more obscene after manguy brought out former Riverbend performer and now banned Cee Lo Green, who began to vulgarly trash former Eagles members, Don Henley and Glenn Frey, then proceeded to paint the River Gorge Explorer gold.

(edited for cease and desist)

Riverbend headliner Toby Keith investigated for sharing secret guitar riffs with Saudis

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Three weeks after country music star and Riverbend headliner Toby Keith performed in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia to an all-male audience, taking place during President Trump’s first overseas trip, it was reported that Keith was being investigated for sharing secret guitar riffs with the Saudi government.

“We need to get to the bottom of this,” said political analyst Abe Tolhirst. “We are talking about some sick riffs, like, some absolutely killer riffage that should only be in American hands.”

“These riffs are military-grade riffs that can make people lose their minds and incessantly hoot and holler and make poor fashion decisions, involving denim abuse and flag motifs,” said Tolhirst.

It is unknown whether or not Keith will use these riffs at his June 16 performance at Riverbend.

Larry Grohn to play Wolverine in next X-Men movie

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After actor Hugh Jackman announced his intention last year to step down from portraying the comic-book character Wolverine, Marvel Entertainment announced that it has hired Chattanooga mayoral candidate and District 4 Councilman Larry Grohn to be the new Wolverine.

“I am super pumped to portray this hairy mutant,” said Grohn. “Ever since I heard that Hugh Jackman would be retiring from the role, I’ve been working out four hours a day and drinking protein shakes with the hope of taking his place. I am freakin’ ripped.”

“We couldn’t believe it when we first saw Grohn’s headshot,” said casting director Tracy Ralnaught. “He’s got that perfect, piercing gaze that epitomizes the dark and complicated character of Wolverine. I mean, just check out that widow’s peak! This is one mean mofo.”

The soon-to-be-released film Logan, the third and final Wolverine solo movie and the tenth X-Men movie, marks the 17th year of Jackman playing Wolverine, a mutant with retractable claws made of the fictional metal alloy Adamantium.

It is uncertain how this acting job might affect Grohn’s civic duties, if he were to win the upcoming Chattanooga mayoral election.

Although Grohn accepted this Wolverine role, he turned down the opportunity to portray “Wolverina,” a re-imagined transgender Wolverine in the X-Men reboot slated for 2019 entitled Ex-Men, saying “Gender is not a choice.”

Police blame Hamilton Place Mall incident on the shit show that is 2016

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Some 24 hours after fireworks were set off in Hamilton Place Mall that caused a commotion with multiple injuries, Chattanooga police have placed the blame to none other than the year 2016.

“It’s been pretty much a terrible year for humanity, so why not place the blame on 2016,” explained Chattanooga Police spokesmen Duke Shitemen. “I wouldn’t be surprised if some lousy kids dressed in the numbers 2016 were able to pull this off and get away scot-free.”

Sources believe this won’t be the last time 2016 will rear its ugly head.

“We are currently preparing for the strong possibility of 2016 causing the Tennessee River to drain, only to re-appear on Missionary Ridge with St Elmo floating in it,” exclaimed Shitemen.
“After the year we’ve endured, why not?”

TEMA bans Wind and Fire from upcoming Earth, Wind & Fire concert

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The Tennessee Emergency Management Agency (TEMA) announced that it has banned Wind and Fire from the upcoming Earth, Wind & Fire concert scheduled for March 15, 2017 at Chattanooga’s Memorial Auditorium.

“We can’t take any chances,” said TEMA representative Kelly Conpuro. “Wind and fire is a deadly combination, as we have seen with the Gatlinburg wildfires that spread rapidly due to high winds that were up to 87 miles an hour.”

For this concert, Earth, Wind & Fire will be billed as “Earth, Wind & Fire Minus Wind & Fire” to reflect the change.

“This kind of preventative action is not unprecedented,” said Conpuro. “The Tennessee Department of Health banned Blood from concerts by Blood, Sweat and Tears during the ’80s AIDS epidemic.”

Berke wears mesh shirt at Pride Parade to show transparency

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Mayor Andy Berke strutted down Riverside Drive wearing a white mesh shirt at yesterday’s Chattanooga Pride Parade in order to demonstrate a commitment to transparency, after criticism about previously using an encrypted smartphone messaging app to communicate with his staff.

“I’ve got nothing to hide,” said Berke, as he lifted up his mesh shirt to slowly rub baby oil all over his chiseled, hairless chest. “Why would I, when you’ve got these rock-hard, six-pack abs like mine?”

Berke surprised parade watchers with multiple outfit changes during the event, featuring a variety of see-through apparel, including a clear plastic vest with the words “BOY TOY” printed on it.

“I’ll comply with any open records request,” said a shirtless Berke, wearing suspenders and a bow tie.

“I’ll open my records, all right. Wide. Wide open, baby,” said Berke, before tearing his eyeglasses from his face and winking an eye.

Guy who eats 13 Little Debbie snack cakes a day wins IRONMAN

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In a shocking turn of events at this years Chattanooga IRONMAN, participant and 350lb Little Debbie enthusiast Todd Linderman came in first place over all. Linderman’s win puts to rest the irony thought by many of having a fatty junk food maker the sponsor of a world class triathlon.

“He was trailing behind the last athlete by about 3 hours,” said one spectator. “Then someone informed him of unlimited Little Debbies at the finish line and the rest is now history.”

Local elderly woman claims creepy clowns are cause of gas shortages

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In a social networking post made by 73 year old Chattanooga native Doris Knight, residents of the area should be on the lookout for persons of interest dressed as clowns who are stealing gas from area gas stations.

The post was made after reports of Doris missing a dose of her medication and mixing local stories together early this afternoon.

“They are coming here, wearing clown masks, and taking all of the gases”, exclaimed Knight. “I can only assume they are filling their clown shoes with gas and luring children into the woods with BI-LO fuel perks.”

Miss Knight went on to claim law enforcement is not doing enough to address the situation because they are wasting our tax dollars by throwing away the Mayor’s meals behind Las Margaritas.  

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