Culture - Page 5

Police blame Hamilton Place Mall incident on the shit show that is 2016

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Some 24 hours after fireworks were set off in Hamilton Place Mall that caused a commotion with multiple injuries, Chattanooga police have placed the blame to none other than the year 2016.

“It’s been pretty much a terrible year for humanity, so why not place the blame on 2016,” explained Chattanooga Police spokesmen Duke Shitemen. “I wouldn’t be surprised if some lousy kids dressed in the numbers 2016 were able to pull this off and get away scot-free.”

Sources believe this won’t be the last time 2016 will rear its ugly head.

“We are currently preparing for the strong possibility of 2016 causing the Tennessee River to drain, only to re-appear on Missionary Ridge with St Elmo floating in it,” exclaimed Shitemen.
“After the year we’ve endured, why not?”

TEMA bans Wind and Fire from upcoming Earth, Wind & Fire concert

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The Tennessee Emergency Management Agency (TEMA) announced that it has banned Wind and Fire from the upcoming Earth, Wind & Fire concert scheduled for March 15, 2017 at Chattanooga’s Memorial Auditorium.

“We can’t take any chances,” said TEMA representative Kelly Conpuro. “Wind and fire is a deadly combination, as we have seen with the Gatlinburg wildfires that spread rapidly due to high winds that were up to 87 miles an hour.”

For this concert, Earth, Wind & Fire will be billed as “Earth, Wind & Fire Minus Wind & Fire” to reflect the change.

“This kind of preventative action is not unprecedented,” said Conpuro. “The Tennessee Department of Health banned Blood from concerts by Blood, Sweat and Tears during the ’80s AIDS epidemic.”

Berke wears mesh shirt at Pride Parade to show transparency

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Mayor Andy Berke strutted down Riverside Drive wearing a white mesh shirt at yesterday’s Chattanooga Pride Parade in order to demonstrate a commitment to transparency, after criticism about previously using an encrypted smartphone messaging app to communicate with his staff.

“I’ve got nothing to hide,” said Berke, as he lifted up his mesh shirt to slowly rub baby oil all over his chiseled, hairless chest. “Why would I, when you’ve got these rock-hard, six-pack abs like mine?”

Berke surprised parade watchers with multiple outfit changes during the event, featuring a variety of see-through apparel, including a clear plastic vest with the words “BOY TOY” printed on it.

“I’ll comply with any open records request,” said a shirtless Berke, wearing suspenders and a bow tie.

“I’ll open my records, all right. Wide. Wide open, baby,” said Berke, before tearing his eyeglasses from his face and winking an eye.

Guy who eats 13 Little Debbie snack cakes a day wins IRONMAN

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In a shocking turn of events at this years Chattanooga IRONMAN, participant and 350lb Little Debbie enthusiast Todd Linderman came in first place over all. Linderman’s win puts to rest the irony thought by many of having a fatty junk food maker the sponsor of a world class triathlon.

“He was trailing behind the last athlete by about 3 hours,” said one spectator. “Then someone informed him of unlimited Little Debbies at the finish line and the rest is now history.”

Local elderly woman claims creepy clowns are cause of gas shortages

In a social networking post made by 73 year old Chattanooga native Doris Knight, residents of the area should be on the lookout for persons of interest dressed as clowns who are stealing gas from area gas stations.

The post was made after reports of Doris missing a dose of her medication and mixing local stories together early this afternoon.

“They are coming here, wearing clown masks, and taking all of the gases”, exclaimed Knight. “I can only assume they are filling their clown shoes with gas and luring children into the woods with BI-LO fuel perks.”

Miss Knight went on to claim law enforcement is not doing enough to address the situation because they are wasting our tax dollars by throwing away the Mayor’s meals behind Las Margaritas.  

Chattanooga named “Best Place to start a startup starting business”

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In a recent poll of millennial entrepreneur industry disrupters with super-nice MacBooks, Chattanooga was named one of the top places in the country to start a startup starting company. Chattanooga beat out many other cities throughout the country, where the number of rundown buildings with 20 foot ceilings and exposed brick walls could not be emulated.

“Anyone with the willpower, mindset, and access to millions of dollars can create their own successful startup starting startup,” said local startup owner Gary Vanderchunk.

Companies like hashtagnoogastrongerstatups credit Chattanooga’s super high speed internet and top of the line access to goldfish covered bean bag chairs as reasons the city ranks above the rest.

“With access to the fastest internet in the world, our Tweets and Facebook posts about helping startups get started are published in just seconds,” explained hashtagnoogastrongerstartups CEO Tyler Thadius. “This is how you become a cutting edge startup starting disrupter.”

Tennessee Riverwalk expands to add Southside smells

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In an effort for walkers to experience all the smells that downtown Chattanooga has to offer, a new three-mile section of the Tennessee Riverwalk was opened this past week near the city’s Southside.

The expansion cost about sixteen million dollars, with a majority of the budget providing the Southside with dumpster loads of dirty diapers and blistering heat to the chicken slaughter houses.

“When the smell of sewage and dead fish has got you begging for more, enjoy three more miles of chicken plant and dirty industrial plant smells to quench your appetite,” said Chattanooga Outdoor spokesman Gary Stanford.

High Point Climbing and Fitness announce Trump Tower climbing wall

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After a crazed Donald J Trump supporter scaled Trump Tower in New York using only suction cups, a representative from High Point Climbing facility announced plans to bring the popular attraction to the area.

Experts believe the new attraction will draw many visitors like tower climber Stephen Rogata, especially with the Mellow Mushroom next door.

Plans call for the wall to be constructed by a local developer, who will make High Point will pay for it.

“We plan to market the attraction with a series of bonehead tweets and the promise of being told “you’re fired” when reaching the top”, explained High Point spokesman Climby McClimberson.

Incline Railway hits fifth Pokemon Go player

Just two weeks after the release of the popular cell phone application Pokemon Go, a spokesmen from the Incline Railway says the train smashed into its fifth victim this afternoon. The tragedy comes after numerous reports from around the globe of players being hit in the streets by moving vehicles from being sadly pre-occupied by a smartphone video game.

Sources say all five victims trespassed onto the track, rudely unaware and carefree of friends and family yearning for time spent together to celebrate life and our existence instead of having their head buried in a video game on a cell phone.

“One minute you’re in a trance trying to catch a Pikachu on fenced-off railway, the next you’re somehow hit by a train traveling at 9 miles per hour,” explained Incline spokesmen Jeff Darwin.

City officials are taking measures to keep tragic events like this from happening again. Plans are in the works for splitting city bikes lanes into half Pokemon Go lanes, but they’ll probably be hit anyway as most people still drive there.

WUTC DJ quits using British accent after Brexit

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Disc jockey and voice-over artist Richard Winham, heard on the local radio station WUTC, shocked listeners when he stopped using his distinctively urbane British accent after hearing the results of Brexit referendum, concerning the withdrawal of the United Kingdom from the European Union.

“This news got me shakin’ like a hound dog trying to crap out a peach pit, I tell you whut,” said Winham, with a heavy Southern drawl.

Although the London-born DJ moved to the United States in the early ’70s and has worked for WUTC since 1987, until now he had kept his British accent intact.

“Got an ideal I reckon I might could hunker down in the holler for a spell and hit the shine like Cooter Brown,” said Winham. “Sheeeeeeeit.”

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