Culture - Page 3

NOOGAtoday moves to all-emoji format

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The local news website NOOGAtoday, built upon Nooga.com after it had been acquired, announced that it would be moving to an all-emoji format in order to appeal to a hip, modern audience.

“Some readers might have already noticed that we have encouraged our writers to spice up their articles with emojis,” said NOOGAtoday representative Kelly Drenntil. “That’s something that no stuffy, outdated broadsheet paper would ever dream of doing.”

“Then we thought, why stop there?” said Drenntil. “Let’s make a big, bold move with NOOGAtoday.”

“We had some great ideas for being a total media game changer, like boosting our paid advertorial content from 50% of our articles to 100%, or closing each article with an animated GIF of someone dabbing,” said Drenntil. “But in the end, we decided to just do away with words in our articles and only use emojis.”

“They say a picture is worth a thousand words, so an emoji is worth at least that many,” said Drenntil. “Which is good, because we’ve only been cranking out one article a day on average lately.”

Drive-By Truckers to open for Drive-By Truckers tribute band

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The popular, acclaimed Southern-rock band Drive-By Truckers announced that it would be the opening act for The Dirty South: A Tribute to Drive-By Truckers after discovering that both acts are playing tonight in Chattanooga.

“Sometimes an imitation can be as good as or even better than the original. Think about almond milk, or fake boobs,” said local resident Carl Krookstrand. “The Dirty South is kind of like fake boobs squirting almond milk, which is pretty awesome if you ask me.”

“The beauty of tribute bands is that they play what the fans want to hear: the hits,” said local music fan Bethany Luberno. “Many current bands are sick of playing the hits and concentrate on new material, but who wants that? I just want to hear the music that I listened to during my formative years, and nothing else. Innovation is overrated.”

Local venues have made a pact to increase the number of tribute band events so that at least 75% of all shows will be tribute shows.

“We’ve got 10,000 Days: A Tool Tribute, Black Jacket Symphony playing Tom Petty’s ‘Damn the Torpedoes,’ Rain: A Tribute to the Beatles, Nirvanna: A Tribute to Nirvana, and SunSap: A Tribute to Cage the Elephant coming up in town, but it’s not enough,” said local promoter Samuel Pertsky.

“We need local bands to become tribute bands that play the music of other local acts, too,” said Pertsky. “I, myself, would love to hear a Norman Blake tribute act called Norman Fake, or maybe a tribute band called ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Strung Like a Horse!'”

Adding to the surprise announcement, it was just revealed that an additional band would also open for The Dirty South, called “Heathens: A Tribute to The Dirty South: A Tribute to Drive-By Truckers” which plays the music of Drive-By Truckers in the style of the Drive-By Truckers cover band The Dirty South.

Drive-By Truckers (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/fQtPtp)

New Miller Park praised for pavement, lack of shade

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Chattanooga residents raved with delight about the newly redesigned Miller Park, which officially opened today, citing features including its white-brick pavement and lack of shade from the sun.

“There isn’t as much tree coverage as before, but you know what? Screw trees,” said resident Kelly Altmink. “And people who want to sit in the shade on a hot, sunny day like today are just pussies.”

“When I think of the word ‘park’ this is exactly the picture that pops into my mind: a big, flat area of grass surrounded by pavement and a covered stage and some rampy stone thingies,” said Altmink.

“The beauty of the new Miller Park is just exquisite,” said Altmink while slowly nodding his head. “Exquisite.”

Panhandlers eagerly awaiting re-opening of Miller Park

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Members of the local chapter of the panhandling union (Panhandlers Local Union 58008) are eagerly anticipating the grand opening of Miller Park on September 14 after undergoing renovations for the last year.

“It’s been a rough year,” said local panhandler Coots McGooligan. “Most of us had to disperse and hang out in other areas, like the benches at Market and 7th, or across the street from Warehouse Row at 12th and Market.”

“We’re ready to take over Miller Park, to share our vivid stories of misfortune,” said McGooligan. “It’s Miller time!”

Local beard oil supplies dangerously low before Moon River Festival

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Authorities have cautioned the public to remain calm after it was revealed that local reserves of beard oil have become dangerously low, in advance of the Americana/roots music Moon River Festival this weekend in Coolidge Park.

“Be warned, we may have to start rationing or placing anti-price-gouging controls on our remaining supplies of beard oil,” said local distributor Sam Lumberplaid, while stroking his beard like it was the flaxen tail of a magnificent steed.

“Believe me, you don’t want to see thousands of Avett Brothers fans with severe cases of beard itch,” said Lumberplaid.

Every area CEO without a vehicle after employees begin walking to work

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After a Chattanooga startup’s CEO gave his car to a new employee who walked 20 miles to his first shift, a multitude of other area business employees took note and began making long commutes to work in hopes to land their boss’ vehicles. The chain of events caused a shortage of CEOs with a motorized form of transportation

“My 23-mile walk from the other side of Lookout Mountain scored me a low mile 2016 Toyota Highlander,” explained area bank teller Mark Smith. “You would think her salary would allow for the seat cooling upgrade.”

“I’m the Marshall, and I’m fresh out of daily commuters here at Marshall Mize Ford,” exclaimed Marshall Mize Ford owner Marshall Mize. Come see the Marshall as I tag along with my other employees and walk to work.”

Rescued Thai soccer team postpones Lost Sea vacation

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After being trapped in a flooded cave for 18 days, the rescued Thai boys’ soccer team announced that they would postpone their planned vacation to the Lost Sea in Sweetwater, Tenn., which is the largest underground lake in the nation.

“We already booked this trip to the Lost Sea months ago, but you know, I think we’re going to hold off on caves and confined water-filled spaces for the time being,” said the soccer team’s coach, who added that they’re also postponing visits to Ruby Falls and the Titanic replica in Pigeon Forge.

EPB urges use of paper porn during Internet outage

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Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/ZtS2J

Power company and Internet provider EPB asked its customers to use paper porn during a temporary Internet outage earlier today.

“For many of you, we know, based on your Internet browsing history, that online porn is a part of your lives, morning, noon and night,” said EPB representative Kris Sobiscan. “But paper pornography has its own charm that can’t be replicated by mere JPG files or online videos.”

“We’ll get through this temporary Internet interruption together, but just have patience,” said Sobiscan. “Squeeze one off using that old Playboy magazine that you stole from your father…the one with Bo Derek on the cover. The one that got you through some dry spells during college. It’s in a box in your attic.”

“Ladies, grab your Hitachi Magic Wand and give a magazine a try,” said Sobiscan. “You’ve watched ‘Magic Mike’ so many times that you know all the lines by heart, so it’s time to give it a rest.”

“Think of analog porn like the comeback of vinyl records and cassettes, over CDs and streaming music,” said Sobiscan. “In a pinch, the swimsuit section of a Lands’ End catalog will do.”

Royal honeymoon mistakenly booked at King’s Lodge

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Amid speculation regarding where newlyweds Prince Harry and Meghan Markle would spend their honeymoon, it was revealed that in a colossal error, their matrimonial vacation was booked at King’s Lodge in Chattanooga.

According to a spokesperson, the hotel was booked after the royal family’s travel agent read a glowing article in the New York Times about Chattanooga and, in haste, selected King’s Lodge based on its regal-sounding name before looking at reviews on the Trip Advisor website, which featured comments such as “Dirty worst hotel ever” and “Crack and roach infested.”

A cursory amount of research would have also revealed that King’s Lodge was turned into an apartment complex last year.

“Cor blimey! I deserve a bollocking over this cock up, which should have been easy peasy lemon squeezy,” said Basil Portendorfer, the royal family’s travel agent, while cleaning his monocle with a handkerchief. “Maybe I should have tried Lamar’s Motel.”

David Blaine to hold breath for 18 minutes inside chicken processing plant

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While in Chattanooga for his June 2 performance at the Tivoli Theatre, street magician and endurance artist David Blaine announced that he would break a world record by holding his breath for 18 minutes while locked inside the downtown chicken processing plant.

Blaine has performed endurance stunts including being encased in a block of ice for over 63 hours, being suspended over the River Thames in a Plexiglas case for 44 days and hanging upside down over Central Park for 60 hours.

“Anyone who has caught a whiff of the intense chicken plant stench on a summer day knows that it can be unbearable, so David Blaine is perhaps facing the riskiest stunt of his entire career,” said Chattanooga resident Randall Menalivis, a longtime fan.

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