Culture - Page 4

Slaughterhouse weddings take barn-wedding trend to next level

Published on
/

Over the last ten years, there’s been a growing trend to hold weddings in barns with rustic, farm-related decor, and now, local trend-setters have taken the idea to the next level by having weddings in slaughterhouses.

“You can’t get more real than this,” said wedding planner Gracie Nimberlaut. “As real as the love that’s formed by the sacred bond of matrimony.”

“People are getting tired of the same old barn wedding, with wooden barrels, Mason jars, bales of hay and vintage vases with wildflowers,” said Nimberlaut, who prefers the word “abattoir,” another term for slaughterhouse. “I guarantee you that nobody will forget an abattoir wedding.”

One advantage of having an abattoir wedding is the freshness of the meat for the wedding meal.

“It is simply not possible to have fresher meat at your wedding than by having an abattoir wedding,” said Nimberlaut. “This is farm-to-table dining, taken to its absolute extreme.”

After the meal, guests are led to the cutting room, which for an abattoir wedding is used to cut the wedding cake, and then guests are ushered to the kill floor, which becomes the dance floor.

“Instead of the traditional throwing of the bouquet, some brides opt for the non-traditional ‘throwing of the offal,’ which has been a big hit,” said Nimberlaut.

It’s a trend that is beginning to catch on locally, and Nimberlaut contends that abattoirs can be elegant, charming and even fun locations for weddings.

“You can’t spell ‘slaughterhouse’ without ‘laughter,'” said Nimberlaut.

Yodeling Kid, Sweet Potato Pie Guy to have sing-off at local Walmart

Published on
/

In what is being billed as “The Battle of the Singing Walmart Viral Video Stars,” the eleven-year-old “Yodeling Kid” Mason Ramsey and the “Patti Pie Guy” James Wright will have a sing-off Wednesday, May 9, at the Gunbarrel Road Walmart.

Ramsey earned quick fame from a viral video of him singing the Hank Williams song “Lovesick Blues,” complete with yodeling, at a Walmart store, and since the video was shot in March, he has performed at the Grand Ole Opry and the Coachella Festival and signed a record deal with Atlantic Records.

Wright became famous overnight for his glowing video review of Patti LaBelle’s Sweet Potato Pies which included him singing parts of various Patti LaBelle songs; the video and its follow-up were responsible for the sale of several million dollars worth of pies, which were only available at Walmart.

“Usually, viral videos that involve Walmart are footage of some kind of child abuse or fashion atrocity,” said organizer Grady Hurbington. “We’re thrilled that these two viral videos show Walmart as being a center of musical and culinary culture.”

According to sources, Ramsey and Wright will sing Hank Williams and Patti LaBelle songs that have been adapted to have Walmart-related lyrics, including “Six More Aisles (to the Checkout),” “(Last Night) I Heard You Crying in Your Sleep (on This Inexpensive Bed Made out of Chinese Particle Board),” “(Ridiculously Giant Jar of) Orange Marmalade,” and “(I’m Going to Eat This Entire $5.99 Rotisserie Chicken) On My Own.”

Hipster lanes to be added to MLK Boulevard

Published on
/

The Chattanooga Department of Transportation announced today that eastbound and westbound hipster lanes would be added to a section of East M.L. King Boulevard as part of its repaving project.

“It’s no secret that hipsters have overrun Chattanooga,” said Kelly Dowdeshell, the Chattanooga Department of Transportation’s administrator. “Adding hipster lanes will only improve the traffic flow on East M.L. King, as hipsters go from one craft beer bar to the next.”

Dowdeshell explained that the enforcement of hipster lanes will be aided by cameras, similar to the way some carpool lanes are monitored to ensure that only high-occupancy vehicles are using them.

“It’s not enough to simply ride a bike in these hipster lanes,” said Dowdeshell. “Your bike must be a fixie, a unicycle or one of those old-timey bikes with the giant front wheel.”

“And if you’re riding an old-timey bike, then you must have either a Grizzly Adams beard or a handlebar mustache, sculpted with artisanal mustache wax,” said Dowdeshell. “Minimum two inches long.”

Hipster lanes are also open to hipsters wearing roller skates – quad skates or rollerblades – or even hipsters who choose to walk, as long as they are power-walking, prancercising or wearing ’80s-style neon leggings or skinny jeans that make their legs resemble engorged sausage casings.

“We can’t reveal our dress-code standards for hipster women, because poseurs will totally steal our latest styles,” said Dowdeshell. “But let me give you a hint: think blue-haired manic pixie dreamgirl or Grimes bangs, and you’ll do fine.”

Chattanooga man starting to believe Chattanooga Chuck full of shit

Published on

After almost a week of 70 degree plus high temperatures, Chattanooga resident Sylvester Kimble announced he is starting to distrust Groundhog Chattanooga Chucks forecasting abilities. The announcement comes just weeks after Chattanooga Chuck saw his shadow and predicted six more weeks of winter.

Experts believe Mr. Kimble may have missed the memo saying that a groundhog cannot accurately predict the weather, especially since Chattanooga Chuck is a groundhog.

“Chattanooga Chuck is fake news and full of shit,” explained Kimble. “From now on I’m gonna wear my cut off jeans and only listen to Paul.”

Local man spends first Valentine’s Day alone since Puss n Boots demolition

Published on
/

Today is a sad day for local Chattanooga man Alan Randall as he spends his first Valentine’s Day alone since the demolition of the Puss n Boots Adult entertainment club.

Randall, who was a frequent visitor to the Adult club, made a yearly tradition of spending every Valentine’s day with a group of ladies he truly believed he shared a connection.

“I would bring my girls Destiny Summer and Vanity Safire chocolates every Valentines, while still making it rain hundreds of dollars on them,” explained a teary-eyed Randalls. “I feel like true love died with that asbestos-filled cockroach-ridden building.”

EPB eyes possible rate increase to pay for larger Chattanooga Market bags

Published on
/

While gearing up for the 2018 Chattanooga Market, EPB announced it might increase rates to pay for new and improved labeled blue bags that have become a staple of the popular weekend event. Starting this spring, customers of EPB Fiber Optics may see a line item increase of a few cents, but experts agree the cost is worth it for the ability to haul around a more sizable variety of artisanal goods at the Chattanooga Market.

“More EPB bag space equals more locally grown Kale,” explained EPB Chief Bag Executive Cliff Powerman. “We listen to our customers and hear their cries for more channels, more internet speed, and more room to haul around dream catchers or a painted piece of plywood.”

James Franco’s next film about failed Catoosa County Film Festival

Published on

After directing and starring in The Disaster Artist, a comedy about Tommy Wiseau’s critically panned 2003 film The Room, James Franco announced that his next project would be about the failed Catoosa County Film Festival.

“If you thought Tommy Wiseau’s The Room was the cinematic equivalent of a war atrocity, then just wait until you see Catoosa County Catastrophe,” said Franco at a press conference. “It’s like the Fyre Festival, but in the South, with wrestlers, sex syrup and horror movie extras instead of musicians.”

The Times Free Press documented the astounding incompetence of the Catoosa County Film Festival, which was relocated from the Catoosa County Colonnade to a barn in Tunnel Hill, Ga. on the day of the festival, December 1.

The film festival experienced numerous financial and logistical problems, and the festival’s Kickstarter campaign, which was created two months before the festival, raised zero dollars out of the $55,000 goal.

Franco said that he would star as Edwin Morgan, the festival’s organizer and an investigator of paranormal activity, and has already begun working with a dialect coach on mimicking Morgan’s Ringgold drawl.

According to witnesses, festival guest Brian Lawler, known as the wrestler Grandmaster Sexay, wanted to be paid and threatened Morgan in the parking lot of a Mexican restaurant while fire dancers were performing, before snatching Morgan’s van keys and driving away.

“This is no mockumentary,” said Franco. “Like The Disaster Artist, this shit really happened.”

Harrison Keely not selected as sexiest male alive once again

Published on
/

In a decision many saw as somewhat heartbreaking, former Chattanooga news personality Harrison Keely once again failed to be named sexiest male alive. 

Formerly the online news producer for the Chattanooga Times Free Press, Keely moved to Las Vegas where he believed chances of becoming the sexiest man alive would be much higher. 

“What you need to know for today is it’s just not fair, but there’s always next calendar year,” explained Keely, while removing his Vegas showgirl attire.

“From all the pictures I’ve seen of him on my phone, I was sure he would take home the grand prize” explained new Times Free Press online personality Lesley Dale. “It was troubling the number of skin moisturizers and stabbed pictures of Blake Shelton I had to throw away from his old desk.”

Toby Keith cancels Riverbend performance to join Church of Urth

Published on
/

Just hours before his performance at the 2017 Riverbend Festival, country music star Toby Keith announced plans to cancel the gig and join the Church of Urth. Sources say the newly formed church has cleared a path for Keith’s tour buses to pull into their some to be evicted home at the Mercy Junction.

Experts believe the Church will take refuge in one of Keith’s many tour buses, where they will continue to post their weird cult-like videos with backing tracks by Toby Keith kicking non-Urth believer ass for America.

“We’ll put a completely asinine mythical belief up your ass, it’s the Urth way,” explained Church of Urth lay leader/country music star Toby Keith.

Riverbend attendees urged to pretend they’re at Bonnaroo, not shower to conserve water

Published on
/

After Tennessee American Water asked customers east of Missionary Ridge to curb water usage, due to major repair work on a broken valve, Riverbend attendees were urged to pretend they’re at Bonnaroo by not showering.

“Some consider Riverbend to be the cheaper, county-fair-style alternative to the more renowned Bonnaroo,” said resident Damon Jesbedder. “But tonight, Riverbend audiences can use their imagination and pretend they’re at Bonnaroo, among thousands of filthy neo-hippies, simply by not washing themselves.”

“If you inhale enough body odor fumes, then George Thorogood starts to look like Bono,” said Jesbedder.

1 2 3 4 5 6 … 17