Culture - Page 4

EPB eyes possible rate increase to pay for larger Chattanooga Market bags


While gearing up for the 2018 Chattanooga Market, EPB announced it might increase rates to pay for new and improved labeled blue bags that have become a staple of the popular weekend event. Starting this spring, customers of EPB Fiber Optics may see a line item increase of a few cents, but experts agree the cost is worth it for the ability to haul around a more sizable variety of artisanal goods at the Chattanooga Market.

“More EPB bag space equals more locally grown Kale,” explained EPB Chief Bag Executive Cliff Powerman. “We listen to our customers and hear their cries for more channels, more internet speed, and more room to haul around dream catchers or a painted piece of plywood.”

James Franco’s next film about failed Catoosa County Film Festival

After directing and starring in The Disaster Artist, a comedy about Tommy Wiseau’s critically panned 2003 film The Room, James Franco announced that his next project would be about the failed Catoosa County Film Festival.

“If you thought Tommy Wiseau’s The Room was the cinematic equivalent of a war atrocity, then just wait until you see Catoosa County Catastrophe,” said Franco at a press conference. “It’s like the Fyre Festival, but in the South, with wrestlers, sex syrup and horror movie extras instead of musicians.”

The Times Free Press documented the astounding incompetence of the Catoosa County Film Festival, which was relocated from the Catoosa County Colonnade to a barn in Tunnel Hill, Ga. on the day of the festival, December 1.

The film festival experienced numerous financial and logistical problems, and the festival’s Kickstarter campaign, which was created two months before the festival, raised zero dollars out of the $55,000 goal.

Franco said that he would star as Edwin Morgan, the festival’s organizer and an investigator of paranormal activity, and has already begun working with a dialect coach on mimicking Morgan’s Ringgold drawl.

According to witnesses, festival guest Brian Lawler, known as the wrestler Grandmaster Sexay, wanted to be paid and threatened Morgan in the parking lot of a Mexican restaurant while fire dancers were performing, before snatching Morgan’s van keys and driving away.

“This is no mockumentary,” said Franco. “Like The Disaster Artist, this shit really happened.”

Harrison Keely not selected as sexiest male alive once again


In a decision many saw as somewhat heartbreaking, former Chattanooga news personality Harrison Keely once again failed to be named sexiest male alive. 

Formerly the online news producer for the Chattanooga Times Free Press, Keely moved to Las Vegas where he believed chances of becoming the sexiest man alive would be much higher. 

“What you need to know for today is it’s just not fair, but there’s always next calendar year,” explained Keely, while removing his Vegas showgirl attire.

“From all the pictures I’ve seen of him on my phone, I was sure he would take home the grand prize” explained new Times Free Press online personality Lesley Dale. “It was troubling the number of skin moisturizers and stabbed pictures of Blake Shelton I had to throw away from his old desk.”

Toby Keith cancels Riverbend performance to join Church of Urth


Just hours before his performance at the 2017 Riverbend Festival, country music star Toby Keith announced plans to cancel the gig and join the Church of Urth. Sources say the newly formed church has cleared a path for Keith’s tour buses to pull into their some to be evicted home at the Mercy Junction.

Experts believe the Church will take refuge in one of Keith’s many tour buses, where they will continue to post their weird cult-like videos with backing tracks by Toby Keith kicking non-Urth believer ass for America.

“We’ll put a completely asinine mythical belief up your ass, it’s the Urth way,” explained Church of Urth lay leader/country music star Toby Keith.

Riverbend attendees urged to pretend they’re at Bonnaroo, not shower to conserve water


After Tennessee American Water asked customers east of Missionary Ridge to curb water usage, due to major repair work on a broken valve, Riverbend attendees were urged to pretend they’re at Bonnaroo by not showering.

“Some consider Riverbend to be the cheaper, county-fair-style alternative to the more renowned Bonnaroo,” said resident Damon Jesbedder. “But tonight, Riverbend audiences can use their imagination and pretend they’re at Bonnaroo, among thousands of filthy neo-hippies, simply by not washing themselves.”

“If you inhale enough body odor fumes, then George Thorogood starts to look like Bono,” said Jesbedder.

Bessie Smith descendants recall her favorite hipster craft beer bars during Strut


While hundreds crowd Martin Luther King Jr Boulevard for Riverbend’s Bessie Smith Strut, descendants of the late Chattanooga singer reflect of her favorite hipster craft beer spots.

Reporters caught up with Smith’s descendants as they enjoyed the Strut’s fried chicken offerings while surrounded by a group of drunk caucasians.

“When Bessie wasn’t chomping down on a 5 lb turkey leg or a stick of deep-fried butter wrapped in a funnel cake, she was enjoying a refreshing small batch IPA by a local microbrewery,” explained Bessie Smiths great great great nephew, Nessie Smith.

Singing man shocks Riverbend Festival attendees with profanity-ridden performance (NOT REAL)


During his Saturday night performance at the 2017 Riverbend Festival, former Eagles member song singing man sent attendances home shocked and upset with his profanity-laced lyrics. All of this happened just an hour before the 9:30 headliner Ludacris took the stage with his family friendly show.

The night began to take a turn for Riverbend attendees after man’s rendition of Hotel California included the lines “Welcome to the h*llhole that is Hotel California, such a shi**y place, and I will f**k your face.”

The night became even more obscene after manguy brought out former Riverbend performer and now banned Cee Lo Green, who began to vulgarly trash former Eagles members, Don Henley and Glenn Frey, then proceeded to paint the River Gorge Explorer gold.

(edited for cease and desist)

Riverbend headliner Toby Keith investigated for sharing secret guitar riffs with Saudis


Three weeks after country music star and Riverbend headliner Toby Keith performed in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia to an all-male audience, taking place during President Trump’s first overseas trip, it was reported that Keith was being investigated for sharing secret guitar riffs with the Saudi government.

“We need to get to the bottom of this,” said political analyst Abe Tolhirst. “We are talking about some sick riffs, like, some absolutely killer riffage that should only be in American hands.”

“These riffs are military-grade riffs that can make people lose their minds and incessantly hoot and holler and make poor fashion decisions, involving denim abuse and flag motifs,” said Tolhirst.

It is unknown whether or not Keith will use these riffs at his June 16 performance at Riverbend.

Paul Barys spotted in undisclosed bar doing shots in preparation for tonight’s storm


In preparation for the severe storms heading into the area, local weatherman Paul Barys has been spotted downing shots of bourbon and other alcoholic beverages for the long night ahead.

“Let’s forecast this shit, Barys beard style,” exclaimed Meteorologist Paul Barys, while vomiting into a WRCB hat.



Larry Grohn to play Wolverine in next X-Men movie


After actor Hugh Jackman announced his intention last year to step down from portraying the comic-book character Wolverine, Marvel Entertainment announced that it has hired Chattanooga mayoral candidate and District 4 Councilman Larry Grohn to be the new Wolverine.

“I am super pumped to portray this hairy mutant,” said Grohn. “Ever since I heard that Hugh Jackman would be retiring from the role, I’ve been working out four hours a day and drinking protein shakes with the hope of taking his place. I am freakin’ ripped.”

“We couldn’t believe it when we first saw Grohn’s headshot,” said casting director Tracy Ralnaught. “He’s got that perfect, piercing gaze that epitomizes the dark and complicated character of Wolverine. I mean, just check out that widow’s peak! This is one mean mofo.”

The soon-to-be-released film Logan, the third and final Wolverine solo movie and the tenth X-Men movie, marks the 17th year of Jackman playing Wolverine, a mutant with retractable claws made of the fictional metal alloy Adamantium.

It is uncertain how this acting job might affect Grohn’s civic duties, if he were to win the upcoming Chattanooga mayoral election.

Although Grohn accepted this Wolverine role, he turned down the opportunity to portray “Wolverina,” a re-imagined transgender Wolverine in the X-Men reboot slated for 2019 entitled Ex-Men, saying “Gender is not a choice.”

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