Business - Page 2

Ample supply of local craft beer to replace water

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After a water main break occurred Thursday evening, disrupting water supplies to areas including downtown and North Chattanooga, local breweries came to the rescue by replacing water with delicious craft beer.

“As you know, there have been over 70 new breweries that have opened up in Chattanooga in the last five years,” said local brewer Carter Govlet, the owner of the brewpub Beerly Legal. “We could fill up the Tennessee River with craft beer, if we wanted to.”

Utility workers were able to use existing piping at breweries to pump craft beer into water supply pipes, allowing residents to conduct their normal, daily activities using beer instead of water.

“We even figured out a way to have two different beer varieties flow through the water supply system,” said Kat Pratdon, brewmaster of Pret-a-Porter. “If you turn on your hot water tap, you’ll get a nice, creamy stout, with notes of Kona coffee and chocolate truffles. Turn on your cold water tap, and you’ll get a floral IPA, with sweet citrus tones and a woody, hoppy aroma.”

“Please, go about your daily routines, and enjoy the decadent luxury of completely immersing yourself in a bathtub full of premium beer,” said Ashley Visconte, brewmaster of the brewpub Beer, Uncertainty and Stout.

Four new chicken plants to open downtown to meet chicken sandwich demand

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While rampant speculation remains about whether or not developer John Wise intends to facilitate the move of the Pilgrim’s Pride chicken plant from downtown to property he purchased in Dade County, Georgia, it was announced today that four new chicken plants would open in downtown Chattanooga to meet the high demand for chicken sandwiches.

“People are going batshit crazy over Popeye’s new chicken sandwiches, which became an instant sensation and have quickly sold out,” said Manny Brurchil, a local chicken industry expert. “They’re so popular, people are auctioning them off on eBay, and one Chattanooga man is suing Popeye’s because they ran out before he could get one.”

“We might be heading toward a recession, so business investors are looking at industries that are recession-proof,” said Brurchil. “If people are unemployed, they still want to drink beer, maybe even more than they used to because they’re sad and have spare time.”

“The same goes for fried chicken sandwiches. Sad people don’t reach for healthy salads,” said Brurchil. “Building more chicken processing plants, right in the middle of downtown, is smart money.”

“Lots of people complain about the smell of chicken plants, but it’s not the stench of failure,” said Brurchil. “It’s the stench of success.”

“That, my friends, is the smell of money,” said Brurchil. “And putrid chicken shit.”

BREAKING: City Council rules all businesses must include “nooga” in their name

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After weeks of controversial debates over the new ordinance, members of the Chattanooga City Council unanimously voted to require all area businesses to include the word “nooga” in their name.

Sources say the new ordinance will include a fee that new businesses must pay, which will go towards renewing the license on the Chatype font, including this website.

“My wife and I opened our Northshore store selling everything from codpieces to douches labeled with “nooga” ever since we moved to the fast internet gig city over 10 weeks ago,” explained business owner Darryl Noog. “I think it’s great that small business owners are forced to show their love for the hashtag noogastrong city.”

Mayor Berke apologizes for forgetting to pay the city’s internet bill yesterday

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After tens of people took to social media to voice their complaints of not having internet for two hours for video gaming, Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke stepped up and admitted his mistake of forgetting to pay the city’s internet bill, which was due by 5pm on Jun 25th.

“It must have slipped my mind,” explained Berke, while rushing to a mailbox to drop in the payment slip. “Looks like a good gig for “gig city” would be reminding me to pay our internet bill, lol.”

Clippy makes surprise visit to Howard School

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The students and teachers of Howard School were surprised today by a visit from Clippy, the anthropomorphic paper clip from Microsoft Office software, on its annual Awards Day.

“It looks like you’re graduating from Howard School!” said Clippy, who was floating in mid-air on a sheet of yellow notepad paper. “Would you like help writing a graduation speech?”

“No? You want a sexy hologram to help you instead? I’m no Cortana, that’s for sure!” said Clippy, getting laughs from the audience. “But seriously, Cortana and I are good friends, and she helped me get over my divorce to Siri.”

In Clippy’s speech, he discussed his background, from being a human personal assistant who was killed in an office supply closet in a grisly, freak accident, that magically transferred his soul to a humble paper clip.

“Did you know that I helped Newt Gingrich write his resignation letter in 1998?” said Clippy, who recounted his swift rise to fame after being hired by Microsoft for its Office software. “Just last week, I held some papers together that belong to Cardi B.”

“Not many people know this, but I was the paper clip that MacGyver used to fashion a thermonuclear device out of a toaster oven, an alarm clock and 20 discarded smoke detectors,” said Clippy.

Moxy, EPB to harness fucking as renewable energy source

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Moxy Hotel and EPB unveiled today a plan to expand local renewable energy sources by harnessing the power of fucking at Moxy’s Chattanooga location.

“It feels good to be environmentally conscious,” said Ashley Hawkittel, a representative for the partnership. “You know what else feels good? Fucking.”

Hawkittel explained that all furniture, showers, tubs, flooring, walls and ceilings in the hotel have been fitted with state-of-the-art pressure absorbers, that convert the physical movement of fucking into electrical energy.

According to Hawkittel, solo travelers can also be a part of the program by using special “Love Gloves” that harness the power of self-pleasure.

The announcement comes on the heels of Moxy’s commitment to purchase renewable energy credits to cover 12 upcoming events and its partnership with EPB to allow hotel guests to pay a little extra to power their stays using only 100% locally generated solar power.

“Whether it’s a morning quickie or an all-night fuck fest, you can help generate clean energy,” said Hawkittel.

“Or should I say, dirty energy?” said Hawkittel, with a wink.

Coyote Jacks releases new playlist of farm-themed songs after urban music ban

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After a recent announcement from the nightclub Coyote Jacks about renovations and a ban on “all forms of urban music,” which some perceived as being racist, a new playlist was released for the club featuring only farm-themed songs.

“You’d be surprised about the rich assortment of songs out there about growing sorghum,” said Eulas “Critter” Daholler, a representative for Coyote Jacks. “They went over well at the last square dance we had.”

“You know, some people call Coyote Jacks a meat market, but we want to stress that it’s farm-fresh meat,” said Daholler.

“Like a good old-fashioned barn-raising, we want Coyote Jacks to be a center of social activity, and we have a full calendar ahead of husking bees and quilting bees,” said Daholler. “Really, any kind of bee.”

The new farm-themed playlist includes songs such as “Maggie’s Farm” by Bob Dylan, “Farm Song” by Hank Williams Jr., 2Pac’s cover of “Old MacDonald Had a Farm” and “Damn It Feels Good to Be a Farmer” by the Geto Boys.

TVA accidentally releases the Kraken during flood preparations

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During preparations for possible historic flooding this week, it was announced that TVA engineers accidentally released the Kraken while emptying out water reservoirs.

Sources say that while TVA was working with the Army Corps of Engineers to prepare for excessive water levels, the Navy, Air Force, Marines, and new Space Force have been additionally called in to deal with the recently released Kraken.

“Things are running rather smoothly as we being emptying the locks in prepOHHH SHHITTTTT”, explained TVA engineer Randy Davis, while being dragged into the depths of Lake Chickamauga by the mythical Kraken.

Guy Fieri purchases Food City, will incorporate into Flavortown

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During the grand opening announcement for the new Fort Oglethorpe Food City, onlookers were shocked when television personality and celebrity chef Guy Fieri appeared announced he has purchased all local Food Citys and will relocate them to Flavortown. 

“The Rockin’ Chattanooga and beyond Red Food, er Bi-Lo, ah Food Cities are greasin’ their way to Flavortown,” explained Fieri, while downing a plate of cheese fries. “Be sure to stock up on 69 cent donkeysauce and four for twenty noogastrongbows before this Food City gets rockvacuated!”

Chattanooga Moxy to rebrand after learning no one has had sex there

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Just months after opening as the new hip “hook up” hotel in downtown Chattanooga, managers of the Moxy were disappointed to learn that zero acts of sexual intercourse have taken place within its 108 rooms or public restrooms.

Sources say renovations have begun to replace large pictures of millennials drinking and having fun with laughing families eating pancakes and the aquarium.

“The night was going great, and I felt like the mood was getting right for the sexy time, but after ordering a simple cosmopolitan at the bar, waiting 20 minutes to receive it, and the loud crashing sound of some jack-ass playing oversized Janga, the window was closed,” explained one Moxy guest.

“We were so close to, you know, doin’ it, but then my date slid just 6 inches off the bed and gashed their head on the doorknob, so the night ended in the Erlanger intensive care unit,” explained another Moxy patron.

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