Business - Page 2

Clippy makes surprise visit to Howard School

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The students and teachers of Howard School were surprised today by a visit from Clippy, the anthropomorphic paper clip from Microsoft Office software, on its annual Awards Day.

“It looks like you’re graduating from Howard School!” said Clippy, who was floating in mid-air on a sheet of yellow notepad paper. “Would you like help writing a graduation speech?”

“No? You want a sexy hologram to help you instead? I’m no Cortana, that’s for sure!” said Clippy, getting laughs from the audience. “But seriously, Cortana and I are good friends, and she helped me get over my divorce to Siri.”

In Clippy’s speech, he discussed his background, from being a human personal assistant who was killed in an office supply closet in a grisly, freak accident, that magically transferred his soul to a humble paper clip.

“Did you know that I helped Newt Gingrich write his resignation letter in 1998?” said Clippy, who recounted his swift rise to fame after being hired by Microsoft for its Office software. “Just last week, I held some papers together that belong to Cardi B.”

“Not many people know this, but I was the paper clip that MacGyver used to fashion a thermonuclear device out of a toaster oven, an alarm clock and 20 discarded smoke detectors,” said Clippy.

Moxy, EPB to harness fucking as renewable energy source

Moxy Hotel and EPB unveiled today a plan to expand local renewable energy sources by harnessing the power of fucking at Moxy’s Chattanooga location.

“It feels good to be environmentally conscious,” said Ashley Hawkittel, a representative for the partnership. “You know what else feels good? Fucking.”

Hawkittel explained that all furniture, showers, tubs, flooring, walls and ceilings in the hotel have been fitted with state-of-the-art pressure absorbers, that convert the physical movement of fucking into electrical energy.

According to Hawkittel, solo travelers can also be a part of the program by using special “Love Gloves” that harness the power of self-pleasure.

The announcement comes on the heels of Moxy’s commitment to purchase renewable energy credits to cover 12 upcoming events and its partnership with EPB to allow hotel guests to pay a little extra to power their stays using only 100% locally generated solar power.

“Whether it’s a morning quickie or an all-night fuck fest, you can help generate clean energy,” said Hawkittel.

“Or should I say, dirty energy?” said Hawkittel, with a wink.

Coyote Jacks releases new playlist of farm-themed songs after urban music ban

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After a recent announcement from the nightclub Coyote Jacks about renovations and a ban on “all forms of urban music,” which some perceived as being racist, a new playlist was released for the club featuring only farm-themed songs.

“You’d be surprised about the rich assortment of songs out there about growing sorghum,” said Eulas “Critter” Daholler, a representative for Coyote Jacks. “They went over well at the last square dance we had.”

“You know, some people call Coyote Jacks a meat market, but we want to stress that it’s farm-fresh meat,” said Daholler.

“Like a good old-fashioned barn-raising, we want Coyote Jacks to be a center of social activity, and we have a full calendar ahead of husking bees and quilting bees,” said Daholler. “Really, any kind of bee.”

The new farm-themed playlist includes songs such as “Maggie’s Farm” by Bob Dylan, “Farm Song” by Hank Williams Jr., 2Pac’s cover of “Old MacDonald Had a Farm” and “Damn It Feels Good to Be a Farmer” by the Geto Boys.

TVA accidentally releases the Kraken during flood preparations

During preparations for possible historic flooding this week, it was announced that TVA engineers accidentally released the Kraken while emptying out water reservoirs.

Sources say that while TVA was working with the Army Corps of Engineers to prepare for excessive water levels, the Navy, Air Force, Marines, and new Space Force have been additionally called in to deal with the recently released Kraken.

“Things are running rather smoothly as we being emptying the locks in prepOHHH SHHITTTTT”, explained TVA engineer Randy Davis, while being dragged into the depths of Lake Chickamauga by the mythical Kraken.

Guy Fieri purchases Food City, will incorporate into Flavortown

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During the grand opening announcement for the new Fort Oglethorpe Food City, onlookers were shocked when television personality and celebrity chef Guy Fieri appeared announced he has purchased all local Food Citys and will relocate them to Flavortown. 

“The Rockin’ Chattanooga and beyond Red Food, er Bi-Lo, ah Food Cities are greasin’ their way to Flavortown,” explained Fieri, while downing a plate of cheese fries. “Be sure to stock up on 69 cent donkeysauce and four for twenty noogastrongbows before this Food City gets rockvacuated!”

Chattanooga Moxy to rebrand after learning no one has had sex there

Just months after opening as the new hip “hook up” hotel in downtown Chattanooga, managers of the Moxy were disappointed to learn that zero acts of sexual intercourse have taken place within its 108 rooms or public restrooms.

Sources say renovations have begun to replace large pictures of millennials drinking and having fun with laughing families eating pancakes and the aquarium.

“The night was going great, and I felt like the mood was getting right for the sexy time, but after ordering a simple cosmopolitan at the bar, waiting 20 minutes to receive it, and the loud crashing sound of some jack-ass playing oversized Janga, the window was closed,” explained one Moxy guest.

“We were so close to, you know, doin’ it, but then my date slid just 6 inches off the bed and gashed their head on the doorknob, so the night ended in the Erlanger intensive care unit,” explained another Moxy patron.

TDOT advising everyone to just stay home during I-75/24 split construction

This week during a press conference discussing the plans of the upcoming I-75 and I-24 split construction, a representative for the Tennessee Department of Transportation announced that motorists should probably just stay home during the project. The construction, which will begin this summer, will bring devastation to the area that residents haven’t seen since the tornados of 2011.

“It would be wise for everyone to just stay at home and wait for the shitstorm to pass,” explained TDOT spokesman Scott Browns. “You could take an alternate route, but that would be like cutting off an arm instead of a leg.”

“I’ve already quit my job and stocked up on ramen and powdered milk in preparation,” explained East Ridge resident Jason Matthews. “I would be sitting in traffic from 8 to 5 anyway, unless I want to do something stupid like wake up at 5am.”

John Wise begins rebuilding all properties after last weeks devastating earthquakes

Just one week after devastating earthquakes rocked the Tennessee Valley area, local developer John Wise announced rebuilding has begun after every one of his buildings was destroyed. Sources say the actual dollar value of buildings destroyed will total into the hundreds and possibly even thousand.

Experts were stunned after literally every other structure in the area was left unharmed after the earthquake took place.

“We will rebuild better and stronger than before, but probably not really,” explained Wise, while standing in front of a pile of dilapidated particleboard.

NOOGAtoday moves to all-emoji format

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The local news website NOOGAtoday, built upon Nooga.com after it had been acquired, announced that it would be moving to an all-emoji format in order to appeal to a hip, modern audience.

“Some readers might have already noticed that we have encouraged our writers to spice up their articles with emojis,” said NOOGAtoday representative Kelly Drenntil. “That’s something that no stuffy, outdated broadsheet paper would ever dream of doing.”

“Then we thought, why stop there?” said Drenntil. “Let’s make a big, bold move with NOOGAtoday.”

“We had some great ideas for being a total media game changer, like boosting our paid advertorial content from 50% of our articles to 100%, or closing each article with an animated GIF of someone dabbing,” said Drenntil. “But in the end, we decided to just do away with words in our articles and only use emojis.”

“They say a picture is worth a thousand words, so an emoji is worth at least that many,” said Drenntil. “Which is good, because we’ve only been cranking out one article a day on average lately.”

Trump to kick off “Shutdown Week” with bankruptcy seminar

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The White House announced that President Trump will kick off “Shutdown Week” with a bankruptcy seminar, as part of his Sunday visit to Chattanooga.

Trump has received criticism for having gone through four bankruptcies involving various hotels, casinos and resorts, and although claimed to be a self-made billionaire, Trump received hundreds of millions of dollars from his father’s real estate empire and engaged in dubious tax schemes and fraud according to the New York Times.

Local shutdown agency and decomposition chamber CO.LON will present the seminar to kick off “Shutdown Week,” which comes one week after the annual “Startup Week” series of events.

“Nobody knows bankruptcies better than me,” said Trump. “On a scale from one to ten, I’m an 11 when it comes to Chapter 11.”