Business - Page 3

Soccer fans welcome new homegrown team with open arms!


After the announcement of a new Chattanooga professional Soccer league was coming to the area, hundreds of CFC fans announced their support for the new association with arms wide open. It was reported that not one Chattahooligan or gamegoer has a single issue with the newly announced team.

“I cannot wait to watch the exciting local action that our Chattanooga Pro Soccer team will have to offer while enjoying a refreshing Miller Lite® and sizzling fajitas from a new Chattanooga eatery TGI Fridays®, explained local Soccer fan Steven Russells from Ohio, who has never been to Chattanooga.

“I am so excited for the new team that I have spray painted CPS on my bass drum and tattooed it on BOTH ass cheeks,” explained Chattahooligan Todd Williams.

Every area CEO without a vehicle after employees begin walking to work


After a Chattanooga startup’s CEO gave his car to a new employee who walked 20 miles to his first shift, a multitude of other area business employees took note and began making long commutes to work in hopes to land their boss’ vehicles. The chain of events caused a shortage of CEOs with a motorized form of transportation

“My 23-mile walk from the other side of Lookout Mountain scored me a low mile 2016 Toyota Highlander,” explained area bank teller Mark Smith. “You would think her salary would allow for the seat cooling upgrade.”

“I’m the Marshall, and I’m fresh out of daily commuters here at Marshall Mize Ford,” exclaimed Marshall Mize Ford owner Marshall Mize. Come see the Marshall as I tag along with my other employees and walk to work.”

Golden Corral’s “Pay Your Age” promotion fails to draw crowds


Golden Corral restaurants in the Chattanooga area failed to draw huge crowds today for its one-day-only “Pay Your Age” promotion.

“We really didn’t think this one through,” said restaurant manager Pat Sanesca. “We should’ve known that our core customers are all senior citizens in their 60s, 70s, 80s or older.”

This came on the heels of a similar promotion from Build-A-Bear Workshop, including the location in the Hamilton Place Mall, which allowed customers today only to purchase a stuffed bear for the price of the child’s age, which could be as little as $1 for a one-year-old.

A victim of its own success, the offer eventually prompted Build-A-Bear Workshop locations to shut down lines after overwhelmingly large numbers of people came out to take advantage of the promotion.

“Mr. Leslie Jenkins here is one of our most loyal customers,” said Sanesca, who pointed to a man sitting alone, in front of an empty plate. “Mr. Jenkins was born during a long-ago era when ‘Leslie’ was mostly a name for boys.”

“Hope you enjoyed your supper! That’ll be $85, sir,” said Sanesca.

EPB urges use of paper porn during Internet outage


Power company and Internet provider EPB asked its customers to use paper porn during a temporary Internet outage earlier today.

“For many of you, we know, based on your Internet browsing history, that online porn is a part of your lives, morning, noon and night,” said EPB representative Kris Sobiscan. “But paper pornography has its own charm that can’t be replicated by mere JPG files or online videos.”

“We’ll get through this temporary Internet interruption together, but just have patience,” said Sobiscan. “Squeeze one off using that old Playboy magazine that you stole from your father…the one with Bo Derek on the cover. The one that got you through some dry spells during college. It’s in a box in your attic.”

“Ladies, grab your Hitachi Magic Wand and give a magazine a try,” said Sobiscan. “You’ve watched ‘Magic Mike’ so many times that you know all the lines by heart, so it’s time to give it a rest.”

“Think of analog porn like the comeback of vinyl records and cassettes, over CDs and streaming music,” said Sobiscan. “In a pinch, the swimsuit section of a Lands’ End catalog will do.”

Great Clips plane offering fly-by haircuts at Riverbend


In an effort to streamline air advertising and hairstyling services, Great Clips announced its famous Riverbend banner equipt airplane will now fly low enough to deliver haircuts from its propellors.

The company will offer deals on some of its most popular hairstyles, such as the bowl cut and the “may I speak to a manager” style.

“I was able to enjoy live music and receive a trim to my mullet, all from the comfort of my folding chair” explained Riverbend attendee Randy Panker.

So far there has only been one to two decapitations, but experts believe that is the price you must pay for a Great Clip.

Royal honeymoon mistakenly booked at King’s Lodge


Amid speculation regarding where newlyweds Prince Harry and Meghan Markle would spend their honeymoon, it was revealed that in a colossal error, their matrimonial vacation was booked at King’s Lodge in Chattanooga.

According to a spokesperson, the hotel was booked after the royal family’s travel agent read a glowing article in the New York Times about Chattanooga and, in haste, selected King’s Lodge based on its regal-sounding name before looking at reviews on the Trip Advisor website, which featured comments such as “Dirty worst hotel ever” and “Crack and roach infested.”

A cursory amount of research would have also revealed that King’s Lodge was turned into an apartment complex last year.

“Cor blimey! I deserve a bollocking over this cock up, which should have been easy peasy lemon squeezy,” said Basil Portendorfer, the royal family’s travel agent, while cleaning his monocle with a handkerchief. “Maybe I should have tried Lamar’s Motel.”

Yodeling Kid, Sweet Potato Pie Guy to have sing-off at local Walmart


In what is being billed as “The Battle of the Singing Walmart Viral Video Stars,” the eleven-year-old “Yodeling Kid” Mason Ramsey and the “Patti Pie Guy” James Wright will have a sing-off Wednesday, May 9, at the Gunbarrel Road Walmart.

Ramsey earned quick fame from a viral video of him singing the Hank Williams song “Lovesick Blues,” complete with yodeling, at a Walmart store, and since the video was shot in March, he has performed at the Grand Ole Opry and the Coachella Festival and signed a record deal with Atlantic Records.

Wright became famous overnight for his glowing video review of Patti LaBelle’s Sweet Potato Pies which included him singing parts of various Patti LaBelle songs; the video and its follow-up were responsible for the sale of several million dollars worth of pies, which were only available at Walmart.

“Usually, viral videos that involve Walmart are footage of some kind of child abuse or fashion atrocity,” said organizer Grady Hurbington. “We’re thrilled that these two viral videos show Walmart as being a center of musical and culinary culture.”

According to sources, Ramsey and Wright will sing Hank Williams and Patti LaBelle songs that have been adapted to have Walmart-related lyrics, including “Six More Aisles (to the Checkout),” “(Last Night) I Heard You Crying in Your Sleep (on This Inexpensive Bed Made out of Chinese Particle Board),” “(Ridiculously Giant Jar of) Orange Marmalade,” and “(I’m Going to Eat This Entire $5.99 Rotisserie Chicken) On My Own.”

Developers urge city to address vacation-homeless issue


Local housing developers have urged the city government to address the vacation-homeless issue that has plagued Chattanooga – that is, the issue of homeowners who only have a primary residence and do not own a vacation home.

“Can you believe that the majority of Chattanooga homeowners only have one house and no vacation home?” said local developer Cyril Brimble-Scrivener. “No beach house, summer home on the lake, or even a measly pied-à-terre in Manhattan.”

The issue of vacation-homelessness has come to the forefront of Chattanooga politics in a time when a panhandling ordinance has been proposed and a new council was formed to tackle homelessness.

“It’s the American dream to raise a family in a beautiful house,” said Brimble-Scrivener. “And what’s twice as American as that? Having two beautiful houses.”

“Please, for heaven’s sake, let’s help these poor dirt-eating peasants who only have the one house,” said Brimble-Scrivener.

Uber Eats to deliver Krystal burgers directly to toilet


The food delivery service Uber Eats started operating in Chattanooga today, and customers have the option of ordering Krystal burgers to be delivered directly into a toilet, to save people the time and trouble of actually eating a Krystal and having it swiftly pass through one’s digestive system.

“This new service is all about efficiency,” said Uber driver and Uber Eats delivery person Kris Courtsay. “People are willing to pay me to go to Krystal, buy a dozen Krystal burgers, then just throw them right into a toilet and flush them down.”

“They say you don’t really buy Krystals – you just rent them,” said Courtsay.

Local man spends first Valentine’s Day alone since Puss n Boots demolition


Today is a sad day for local Chattanooga man Alan Randall as he spends his first Valentine’s Day alone since the demolition of the Puss n Boots Adult entertainment club.

Randall, who was a frequent visitor to the Adult club, made a yearly tradition of spending every Valentine’s day with a group of ladies he truly believed he shared a connection.

“I would bring my girls Destiny Summer and Vanity Safire chocolates every Valentines, while still making it rain hundreds of dollars on them,” explained a teary-eyed Randalls. “I feel like true love died with that asbestos-filled cockroach-ridden building.”

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