Business - Page 14

Little Debbie commemorates 175th anniversary of Cherokee removal with “Trail Mix of Tears”

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Trail Mix of Tears
Trail Mix of Tears

Known as part of the “Trail of Tears,” the forced removal of Cherokee people from the Southeast to the Indian Territory west of the Mississippi River began in May 1838, with this year marking its 175th anniversary.

While this was a regrettable episode in American history which resulted in an estimated 4,000 deaths of Cherokee people, the Collegedale, Tenn.-based McKee Foods Corporation, the parent company of the snack-food brand Little Debbie, is making it a little more delicious with the introduction of a limited-run snack product, “Trail Mix of Tears,” to commemorate the Cherokee removal.

At a press conference yesterday afternoon at Ross’s Landing—one of the notable Trail of Tears departure points bearing the name of Principal Chief John Ross of the Cherokee Nation—McKee Foods spokesperson Abel Hehnley introduced the new product, accompanied by a Little Debbie lookalike, wearing a Native American headdress instead of the straw hat seen in the brand’s logo.

“We must never forget the Trail of Tears, which was undeniably a dark moment in the fabric of our rich history,” said Hehnley, “and what better way to remember than with this scrumptious new snack food.”

“Whether you’re on a nature hike on Lookout Mountain or participating in a thousand-mile death march, Little Debbie’s Trail Mix of Tears will give you a boost of energy with a delectable mixture of fruit, nuts, beef jerky bits, seeds and maple and chocolate candy pieces,” said Hehnley. “We know you’ll love our new spin on pemmican, the Native American food.”

Free samples were handed out at the press conference, with the product’s packaging bearing a likeness of John Ross standing at Ross’s Landing with an outstretched hand, holding chocolate chunks, cashews and banana chips.

The reception of the new snack food was generally positive, with one attendee overheard as saying, “Genocide has never tasted so good!”

Warehouse Row announces addition of Wal-Mart Supercenter.

With hopes to increase traffic and customer base to the upscale shopping mall, Warehouse Row owners announced a deal has been made to bring retail giant Wal-Mart to its famous downtown Chattanooga location.

In recent years, Warehouse Row has suffered a decrease in business and customer visits. Critics attribute this to the lack of variety that the high-class shopping mall has to offer.

“We believe the coming Tupelo Honey Café will bring in an abundance of new customers, but it will not be enough to keep Warehouse Row fully sustainable,” said Warehouse Row spokeswoman Shirley Thompson. “We believe Wal-Mart will largely fill the void that our customer base lacks. No pun intended.”

Construction is planned to begin this August, in which a majority of current Warehouse Row tenants will be ejected to make room for the new Wal-Mart.

“We have planned for the whole building to undergo renovation for the new addition,” said chief project engineer Earl Hoggart. “Walkways will have to be widened and larger parking spaces for accessible vans will be added for our new customers.

warehouse

Other charges to the campus with the planned Wal-Mart include: the Public House Restaurant to be transformed into a Taco Bell/Pizza Hut combination restaurant, the first in this area, all stairwells will be   transformed into escalators, and Southern Burger Co. will begin to offer Big-Macs.

“We’re really excited about the possibilities that will arise from the Wal-Mart addition,” said Warehouse House manager Flora Tucker. “Where else can you purchase a two-hundred dollar pair of Rhinoceros    pants, along with dropping fifteen bucks on some camouflage printed skinny jeans?”

 

 

 

Warehouse Row. Photo courtesy of CB staff. 

Chattanooga brothel was front for hypnosis clinic: “We will not tolerate hypnosis” says Police Chief

A hypnotist (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/6tKy9a)
A hypnotist (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/6tKy9a)
Chattanooga Police cracked down yesterday on a local brothel that was discovered to actually be a front for an illegal hypnosis clinic, as part of a sting operation by the Tennessee Bureau of Investigation working in conjunction with local officers.

“We will not tolerate hypnosis in this city,” said Chattanooga Police Chief Stanley Molloney at a press conference yesterday afternoon, to a crowd of local residents and reporters.

“Not on my watch,” said Molloney, receiving cheers and applause.

Residents who live near the brothel, called Madame Chlamydia’s Discount House of Pleasure and Snack Bar, expressed shock and amazement that the establishment offered illegal services such as hypnotherapy and acupressure, instead of the expected acts of commercial fornication.

In an early morning raid, officers forced their way into the brothel, discovering dozens of rooms, each of which contained a bald, middle-aged Austrian doctor swinging a brass pocket-watch back and forth like a pendulum over a bleary-eyed client reclining on a chaise longue.

“I swear, I was just about to suck him off,” said one doctor, a runaway from Salzburg, who attempted to obscure his face with his tweed jacket with elbow patches, as he was being led out of the building in handcuffs by policemen.

“For heaven’s sake, my children go to school just one block away from here,” said resident Samantha Alisarin. “And to think, people were being hypnotized in there, and not getting a good old American hand job or something.”

Chattanooga Amazon Fulfillment Center Announces “Come and Get Your Shit” Option

Due to popular public demand, the Chattanooga Amazon Fulfillment center has announced plans for a “come and get your shit” option.

During checkout of an Amazon.com order, a new option to “pick up my shit today” will become available, based on your proximity to the Chattanooga fulfillment center. After payment is finalized, customers must commute to the corner of Volkswagen and Bonny Oaks Drive.  From there, customers are able to retrieve their order from a large Amazon.com labeled container that will house thousands of other customer orders. Amazon Prime members are given the free option to have their order thrown into a separate container that is sheltered from the elements.

Critics pan the plan by saying the steps to retrieve ones order seems like a massive pain in the ass, but praise the idea for creating new jobs in the Chattanooga area, especially after the massive layoffs in other sectors.

“We’re very excited about the possibilities that will come from this new Amazon.com venture in the Chattanooga market,” said Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos. “This will create hundreds of new jobs with the need for new people to haul and throw shit into a large container.”

“This is a great way for Amazon to offset some of the costs we endure from offering free shipping,” said Chattanooga Amazon fulfillment center supervisor Chuck Shills. “After millions of shipping labels are used, that shit adds up!  The need for pricy labels is negated as the customers name is written directly on the cardboard box with a black marker.”

“We believe this is a great option for customers who want the famous fast Amazon.com delivery times,” said Bezos, “but can’t stand to wait for their Mumford and Sons LP or oversized strap-on to arrive.”

AmazonAerial_Tenn

 

Photo courtesy of the Chattanooga Area Chamber of Commerce

Chattanooga Whiskey Makers decide to keep operations in Indiana

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After the historic passing of Bills of 102 and 129 in the Tennessee House and Senate respectively, Chattanooga Whiskey co-founders Joe Ledbetter and Tim Piersent announced they have decided to keep distillery operations in Indiana.

“It’s really due to a variety of reasons” Ledbetter said, “plus, can you imagine the pain in the ass moving a distillery would be?”

The bill passed the Tennessee House and Senate with wide margins, which currently awaits Governor Haslam’s signature.

Distilleries have been illegal in the Chattanooga area due to laws dating back the prohibition era. Many months of debating within Tennessee lawmakers proved to be an emotional rollercoaster for the Whiskey duo. “It was quite the ride! Too bad it really was for nothing,” Piersant laughed.

chattanoogawhiskey

Photo courtesy of Chattanooga Times Free Press

“Ever since we started this Chattanooga thing, we decided to grow out some facial hair,” Ledbetter grumbled, “it is going to feel great to finally be able to rid our faces of this shit.”

With Chattanooga recently overthrowing Austin, TX as the number one hipster city in the states, Ledbetter saw this as a deterrent. “We all know that hipsters tend to gravitate to the High Lifes and the PBRs. Our high quality product just couldn’t compete with the lower price, and lower taste option,” Ledbetter cried.

When asked about the 30,000 square-foot building the pair were planning to occupy, Piersant replied, “Fuck it! Let it develop into some more expensive apartments or a Red Lobster.”

Rock City to change slogan to “See Seven Shootings”

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In reaction to the many months of gang-related shootings, and the need for a new tourist attraction, Rock City is changing their slogan to “See Seven Shootings”. “While seeing seven states has been a staple in bringing in customers for many years, we realized we must get with the times,” said Rock City representative, Steven Borash. “Changes will come to the park over the next few months, in which more unfortunate events will more than likely raise interest in the new attraction.”

Renovations to the new attraction include changing the famous seven state markers to different neighborhoods of Chattanooga, including: Highland Park, Orchard Knob, St Elmo, etc. “We plan on charging $1 per session our view-finders, in which some of the proceeds will help fund a possible Rock City Chattanooga Gang Task Force,” said Borash.

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image provided by Rock City

Other changes that will come with the attraction change include:

  • The famous “See Rock City” birdhouses will now include bullet holes.
  • Park hours will now extend till 4AM
  • A “wall tagging” station for the kids
  • Customer choice of Chattanooga gang colored souvenir t-shirt

“All of these changes are needed because with the invention of Google Earth, people don’t really give a shit about seeing seven states from atop of Lookout Mountain,” explained Borash, “we hope this change will keep Rock City fresh and current”.

Local Entrepreneur Rick Davis to open Megachurch

Local Gold and Diamond purchaser, television host, and recent used car entrepreneur Rick Davis is planning to open a megachurch, according to a representative of his. From documents uncovered by Chattanooga Bystander, Davis’ “Davisplex” includes a 4,500-seat sanctuary, 35 classrooms, 20 bathrooms with gold fixtures, and a refinery.  Davis hopes the facilities will surpass the impressiveness of other local megachurchs. “I hope the Davisplex will be seen somewhat like “Abba’s House”, Davis Said, “but with much more gold.”

Back in February, Davis was caught up in a legal battle on accusations of buying stolen jewelry, which Davis believes led him to open up a megachurch. Davis, who has been a lifelong Christian, believes the next step in his faith is to open up the Davisplex.  “After much prayer and meditation” Davis stated, “opening this church is the least I can do for our Lord and my gold sellers. As I am your friend in the jewelry business, I am your friend in the Christian fellowship business.”

davis

photo courtesy of rickdavisgoldanddiamonds.com

While the location has not been released where the Davisplex will be located, Davis representatives have hinted on an abandoned Wal-Mart.  CB investigators have yet to find one.

Davis hopes the Davisplex can be up and running by early 2014, in which time will allow for acquiring ministerial certifications. Davis told us “Sunday morning services will be the best in the business, and just like how we are talking gold, we will be talking-God. “ Davis hopes that future congregation members will realize that “the streets of Heaven are paved with gold, and gold prices are at an all time high.”

 

THIS ARTICLE, ALONG WITH EVERYTHING ELSE ON THIS GODFORSAKEN SITE, IS SATIRE/FICTION AND NOT TRUE. THANKS FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING.

Retro “Megoteca” analog Internet service provider to feature ’90s-style dial-up access

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Analog acoustic coupler modem (Used under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 2.0 Generic license. Source: http://tinyurl.com/cmqhaox)
Analog acoustic coupler modem (Used under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 2.0 Generic license. Source: http://tinyurl.com/cmqhaox)

The music venue Discoteca enjoyed a year-long existence between January 2010 and January 2011, being Chattanooga’s “all analogue bar” which only allowed vinyl records or cassettes to be played and featuring notable indie music acts such as Will Oldham, Lambchop, and Monotonix.

At a press conference yesterday afternoon, the proprietors of Discoteca have unveiled a new business called Megoteca based on a similar concept, allowing customers to access the Internet only by using outdated, slow analog technology, including land-line phones, acoustic-coupler modems, and dial-up phone numbers.

Co-owner Dewey Blackwell explained, “Listening to your favorite album on vinyl can’t be beat, for all the warmth and richness of that analog format.  Similarly, nothing compares to surfing the Internet the retro, old-school way, using dial-up connections and 300-baud acoustic modems.  Who can forget the thrill of anticipation of slowly loading up in Netscape a grainy .GIF file of Cindy Margolis in a bikini?”

“‘Gig City’ my ass,” continued Blackwell, referring to the nickname bestowed upon Chattanooga due to the one-gigabit-per-second fiber-optic Internet service provided by competitor EPB.   “This is Meg City!  We are talking about some sweet-ass Internet, here.”

Subscribers to Megoteca’s Internet service will receive a starter kit with installation software on a 5.25-inch floppy disk (compatible with Windows 3.1), a free Megoteca email account with a 5 MB storage limit, and a free Geocities web page.

Pat Benatar forms union for Chattanooga Volkswagen auto workers

Pat Benatar and Volkswagen auto workers
Pat Benatar and Volkswagen auto workers

All eyes are on automaker Volkswagen’s Chattanooga plant after the company announced that it is talking with United Auto Workers (UAW) about the idea of a German-style works council, rather than a more traditional American labor union.

Tennessee is one of twenty-four right-to-work states in the U.S.A., and the National Right to Work Legal Defense Foundation has entered the ring, offering free legal advice to Volkswagen workers in case they are pressured to join the UAW.

In the meantime, 80s pop singer Pat Benatar took quick action and brought solidarity to Volkswagen’s auto workers by forming a union here in Chattanooga, which was announced at a press conference earlier today.

“We are strong,” Benatar said at a ceremony in front of Volkswagen’s Chattanooga plant, to a crowd of reporters and Volkswagen employees.

Benatar, a featured act at the 2005 Riverbend Festival, then said, “No one can tell us we’re wrong.”

When asked about wage negotiations and performance-based bonuses, Benatar simply replied, “No promises, no demands.”

Benatar then stepped away from the podium and led the plant’s 3,500 auto workers in a dance, with all shaking their shoulders from side to side vigorously as they walked away.

“Whoa-oo-whoa-oo-whoa-oo-whoa-oo-whoa-oo-whoa-oo-whoa-oo-whoa-oo-waaaaah,” concluded Benatar.

Amazon, Chattanooga State to make city hub of expertise for “Walking Around and Picking Up Stuff”

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Amazon logo
Amazon logo

Following the success of the two Amazon Distribution Centers established in 2011 in Chattanooga and Cleveland, Tenn., which employ over two-thousand workers, Chattanooga State Community College has announced a new two-year degree, developed with the cooperation of Amazon, in order to keep up with the demand for specially skilled employees in the area.

Chattanooga State Provost Dr. Annise J. Zaffre explained at a press conference yesterday afternoon that the two-year degree, Associate of Walking Around and Picking Up Stuff (AWAPUS), features an intense, accelerated curriculum.

The first-year coursework concentrates on the finer points of the core competency of walking around, drawing from both the Stuttgart school of thought on the subject, and the opposing methods outlined by Danish walking expert Morten Sørensen-Rasmussen in his controversial 1980 treatise Kunsten at Gå: Et Skridt Fører til en Anden.

The second-year coursework expands upon the techniques and philosophies explored in the student’s first year, adding the proficiency of picking up stuff with weekly lab sessions, allowing students to practice their picking-up skills in a controlled laboratory environment before attempting them in a real industrial setting.

“Silicon Valley is known for its billion-dollar high-tech businesses. Dalton, Georgia is known for its vast carpeting expertise,” said Zaffre. “We hope, a few years from now, when people think about walking around and picking up stuff, they’ll think of Chattanooga.”

Students interested in registering for the degree program may visit the Chattanooga State campus and pick up a course catalog, featuring a stock photograph of a smiling female wearing business casual attire on its cover.

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