Jack Bauer

Jack Bauer to play Revelry Room, eliminate gang violence in 24 hours


At a press conference this afternoon, the City of Chattanooga announced that it had hired agent Jack Bauer for a 24-hour period starting Sunday evening, during which he will perform a set of country music at the Revelry Room and also solve Chattanooga’s gang violence problem by any means necessary.

“Although people want solutions quickly, it takes time and a huge amount of effort to fight a complex issue such as gang violence,” said a representative for the city, Kim Lennox, in the wake of several shootings and homicides in the last two weeks. “Unless, of course, you can get Jack Bauer on the job.”

“With Jack, all you need is a boatload of ammo and twenty-four hours,” said Lennox. “Sure, Jack might get frustrated a few times and shout out ‘Damn it, Chloe!’ and torture a few people in the process, but he always comes through.”

In preparation for Jack Bauer’s arrival, the City of Chattanooga purchased $1 million worth of cameras in order to film Bauer in action, with the footage intended to be broadcast on TV.

“At the Revelry Room, he’ll rock you hard,” said Lennox. “Then, on the streets of Chattanooga, he’ll rock those gang members even harder.”

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.

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