Research lab (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source:

Local girlfriends release study linking semen consumption with cancer

Research lab (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source:
Research lab (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source:

The results of a scientific study were released today by a group of local girlfriends, in cooperation with the UT College of Medicine in Chattanooga, linking the consumption of semen with an increased risk of cancer.

The study’s results were published on the same day that a completely different study was published in the medical journal The Lancet, which concluded that the consumption of processed and red meat led to a greater risk of colon cancer.

“The bitter truth may be hard to swallow, but we have found sufficient evidence that semen can be a carcinogen when consumed,” said lead researcher Dr. Sylvie Wellyns. “It’s a sticky situation, to be sure.”

Local boyfriends disputed the outcome of the study, alleging that the research was flawed and that the results were inconclusive.

Wellyns announced that her research team would soon be able to report the results of two other studies which draw connections between contact with semen and skin cancer of the face, and between shaving a woman’s pubic region and hepatitis.

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.

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