Crime scene (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:

No beheadings in 2014 so far, say Chattanooga Police

Crime scene (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:
Crime scene (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:

The Chattanooga Police department issued its quarterly report yesterday, following a violent week with multiple shootings, which presented statistics that reflected some good news, such as the fact that there have been no reports of beheadings in Chattanooga so far this year.

“We are happy to say that there have been no homicidal decapitations in our fair city in 2014,” said Franklin Volmar, a representative for the Chattanooga Police department.

In August and September, the world was shocked by graphic propaganda videos created by the Middle-Eastern terrorist organization ISIL, also known as ISIS, that showed the beheading of journalists James Foley and Steven Sotloff and the British aid worker David Cawthorne Haines.

On Tuesday, a Long Island professor was beheaded by her mentally troubled son, who left her body and severed head on a neighborhood street, leading some neighbors to believe it was a Halloween prank.

“I’m also proud to say that there has been no genocide in Chattanooga this year,” said Volmar. “We are also maintaining our spotless record of having a 0% rate of regicide, which is the murder of a king or a queen. Also, we are pleased that there have been no homicides in Chattanooga using the method of training an eagle to pick up a tortoise and drop it on the victim.”

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