July 2013 - Page 2

Chattanooga to world: “You know what? F-ck birds”

Just some goddamn bird (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/8hirVk)
Just some goddamn bird (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/8hirVk)

The collective metropolitan Chattanooga populace articulated its complete disdain for all avian life in a written press release, addressed to the world yesterday.

“You know what? F-ck birds,” began the press release. “You are not welcome here, stinking up the place, crapping all over everything, squawking and strutting around like you own the place. Who crowned you cock of the walk?”

“F-ck urban chickens, f-ck Canadian geese, y’all can go screw yourselves,” continued the press release.

In recent news, the Chattanooga City Council upheld a ban on chickens within city limits, and 100 Canada geese that were removed from Chattanooga State Community College were euthanized by the U.S. Department of Agriculture’s Wildlife Services program.

“The Tennessee Wildlife Resources Agency is seeking public input regarding when the opening day of the upcoming waterfowl hunting season should be,” said the press release. “You know what we told them? Waterfowl hunting should be allowed every goddamn day.”

“Remember when a few months ago, someone shot some bald eagles around here?” said the press release. “Back then, we all thought, ‘Geez, what an asshole.’ Now, we think that sumbitch had the right idea.”

“We are trying to bring the competitive eating Wing Bowl event to town,” said the press release. “We want that famous skinny Japanese competitive eater to come here and unleash a motherf-cking chicken-wing holocaust here in Chattanooga, Tennessee.”

“Two arms good, two wings bad,” concluded the press release.


Tennessee Aquarium Announces Opening of Recycled Seafood Restaurant


In an effort to further advocate Chattanooga’s green movement, Tennessee Aquarium officials announced plans to open a seafood restaurant within the coming months.

After admitting deceased animals were ultimately being tossed into the Tennessee River, Aquarium officials have decided to make use of the dead animals by deep frying and serving them within a 2000 sq. ft. restaurant near the building’s gift shop.

“We know that a majority of visitors have their own favorite animal attraction at the Aquarium,” said Aquarium spokesman Jeffrey Marcus. “We believe the ability to chow down on a past visit’s favorite shark, penguin, and/or stingray in a battered and deep fried state, will be an experience that can’t be passed up.

800px-TennesseeaquariumExperts believe this new form of “green” recycling of food trend will pick up at other popular Chattanooga attractions, such as the Chattanooga Zoo opening a fine dining steak house in the coming months.

“We’re proud to announce that all catches served will be fresh from local sources,” said new head master chef Jerrim Bodling. “Guests can expect tasty local menu items, such as carp from Lake Winnepesaukah and radioactive catfish from our very own river sources.”

Officials hope the idea of a fully recycled menu will entice customers to visit the new seafood restaurant. “We’re going green on the whole shebang,” said Marcus, “right down to the unfiltered infant tainted drinking water sourced from the stream out front.”


Chattanooga Roller Boys struggling to find audience

Men's roller derby (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/csrVrE)
Men’s roller derby (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/csrVrE)

It is undeniable that roller derby has made a huge comeback in recent years, but you wouldn’t know it by attending a local Chattanooga Roller Boys bout.

“We are completely baffled,” said Chattanooga Roller Boys team captain and founder Justin McCloskie, looking at an audience of six people at their game Saturday evening at the VFW on Amnicola Highway. “And this is the largest crowd we’ve had so far.”

McCloskie formed the Chattanooga Roller Boys six months ago after witnessing a match featuring the Chattanooga Roller Girls at the downtown Marriott Convention Center, competing in front of a packed, sold-out audience.

“It blew my mind,” said McCloskie. “It was such an exciting game, and everyone in the audience was totally into it, cheering non-stop. I thought to myself: men’s sports are more popular than women’s sports—just look at professional basketball—so men’s roller derby should be even more popular than women’s roller derby.”

“I was wrong, apparently,” said McCloskie, who also goes by the alias “Terence Trent Derby.”

The Chattanooga Roller Boys currently has a membership of 20 skaters, aged between 18 and 35, who compete in flat-track quad-skate roller derby bouts across Tennessee.

“What are we doing wrong?” asked blocker Regin Plesson, a.k.a. “Reginald Cattermaul,” to The Chattanooga Bystander after the bout. “We’re doing our best to make a dynamic, exhilarating competition. That’s what people want to see, right?”

In addition to participating in bouts, the Chattanooga Roller Boys performs a significant amount of charity work. In particular, the team is focused on raising money to fund testicular cancer research, and the last project involved selling brownish-purple-ribbon car magnets for the “Save the Nutsacks” campaign.

“I don’t know how long we can go on like this without more support,” said jammer Wes Granwood, known by his derby name “Wesley Crush-Him.” “Now I kind of regret getting this lower-back ‘CRB’ tattoo.”

Postponed July 4th fireworks to be combined with detonation of North Shore barge

Fireworks (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/525zPK)
Fireworks (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/525zPK)

Chattanooga residents were sorely disappointed when severe weather caused the annual Coolidge Park fireworks and outdoor concert to be cancelled, but the City of Chattanooga announced yesterday afternoon at a press conference a way to turn that disappointment into triumph, by combining a postponed fireworks display with the detonation of the controversial North Shore barge.

“This is a win-win situation,” said Mayor Berke to a crowd of reporters. “We will be able to celebrate Independence Day the way it was meant to be celebrated, plus, we will absolutely, completely obliterate that unsightly barge that has been an embarrassment to the North Shore.”

“We have the explosives,” said Berke. “A half-ton of dynamite, to be exact.”

The barge, moored across from the Tennessee Aquarium since 2009, was intended by Chattanooga businessman Allen Casey to be the location of a New Orleans-style steakhouse and bar, and the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers has threatened to revoke Casey’s barge permit unless the barge is cleaned up and brought into compliance.

“Consider it revoked,” said City Manager Kris Viggs about the permit, to wild applause.

“This will be a wonderful, glorious display of colorful fireworks and shock-and-awe destruction,” said Viggs. “It will also be an opportunity to clean house. Anything you don’t want to see—urban chickens, Common Core standards protest signs, satirical news writers—anything that you want to go away, just put it on the barge.”

“Shit will get blowed up,” said Viggs. “I guarantee it.”

The press conference ended with the P.A. system playing a medley of Katy Perry’s “Firework” and Neil Diamond’s “America” while Berke twerked vigorously to the music.

East Ridge to Become First Area City to Mandate Gay Marriage

In response to the city of Collegedale’s announcement to offer benefits for same sex couples two weeks ago, a spokesman from the Chattanooga Suburb of East Ridge Mayor Brent Lamberts’ office has stated plans for the city to mandate gay marriage for those who live within the city limits.

“We believe that allowing gay marriage isn’t enough to show just how progressive the fine city of East Ridge is”, said city spokesman Jeffrey Flacks. “We’re taking it to the next level and passing a mandate that all who shall come to and live in East Ridge, must engage into a hot and steamy homosexual holy union.”

us-tn-eastridgeWith the new mandate comes the reversal of a decision that East Ridge officials made some months ago: the banning of any new extended stays hotels within city limits. Officials also hope the soon-to-be homeless Big Chill Bar and Grill from downtown Chattanooga will find a new place in East Ridge to call home.

“With the large upcoming demands for new saucy homosexual honeymooners to stay, we will need new places to house them,” exclaimed Flacks. “All new extended stay hotels are required to include spaces for full fledged drag queen shows and in room television viewing of the LOGO Channel in High Definition.

“We hope the upcoming law will bring new visitors and residents to scrumptious East Ridge,” said new city tourism and fashion specialist Francis McGinley.” We’ve made plans to include the Indigo Girls and American Idol runner-up Clay Aiken to next years annual J-Fest at Camp Jordan.”

Bike Chattanooga to introduce jetpack rentals in 2014

Jetpack (Used under the GFDL v1.2 license. Source: Fir0002/Flagstaffotos)
Jetpack (Used under the GFDL v1.2 license. Source: Fir0002/Flagstaffotos)

Bike Chattanooga, the group that administers Chattanooga’s bike-sharing program, has received scrutiny lately, with concerns that it will be able to be profitable, after exhausting most of a $2 million federal grant yet only generating a small fraction of that in revenue so far.

At a press conference today, Bike Chattanooga director Taylor Vettellini unveiled a bold, new plan on the cutting edge of technology that seeks to make Bike Chattanooga sustainable by offering next year at its existing 31 bike-rental stations the additional option of renting a jetpack.

“The future is now,” said Vettellini. “Jetpacks have long captured the imagination in science fiction movies, and although it may be hard to believe, this mode of transportation will be available to Chattanoogans within one year.”

“We have the technology,” said Vettellini. “It is mind-boggling what science has brought us today. Google has developed a car that can drive itself, medical researchers are capable of building replacement human tissue from scratch and the smartphone that you are holding in your hand has more computing power than all the computers NASA had in 1969 for its moon landing program.”

“Imagine being at the Chattanooga Market, strapping on a jetpack, and 30 seconds later, being at Coolidge Park on the North Shore,” said Vettellini.

“Our pilot program—pun intended—has so far been a resounding success,” said Vettellini. “We have only had two fatalities so far.”

“This is 100% green technology, using state-of-the-art Lithium Silicon Polymer battery packs,” explained Vettellini. “Propelling a jetpack through the air takes huge amounts of energy, and we considered the situation where a pilot might have exhausted all the battery power in the middle of a flight. So, we have added a hand crank to the jetpack, so the pilot simply needs to vigorously crank away to generate enough electricity to complete the flight.”

Vettellini explained that the jetpacks to be introduced in 2014 are designed for solo pilots, although future models may be available to accommodate children, pets or even tandem flights.

“How romantic would that be? An exhilarating flight under the moonlight on a jetpack built for two,” said Vettellini.

Bike Chattanooga rental station
Bike Chattanooga rental station


Chattanooga Community Kitchen Announces Partnership with Ruth’s Chris Steak House


In a press release by Chattanooga Community Kitchen spokesmen Kenneth Tillman, it was announced that the areas homeless shelter and food kitchen has formed a partnership with the newly opened high class-dining establishment, Ruth’s Chris Steak House.

ruthchrisfoodkitckenPlans for the partnership include a school bus shuttle from the Community Kitchens Downtown location to the front door of the new Hamilton Place area restaurant. Folding tables and chairs will be mixed among the custom high dollar seating and eating arrangements that currently occupy the fine restaurant. Patrons will also be given the opportunity to obtain a free or reduced price stay at the adjacent Embassy Suites hotel.

“We believe this is a great opportunity for our place of fine dining to give back to our new community”, said Chattanooga Ruth’s Chris Steak House General Manager Theodore Mason. “We hope to see no forthcoming issues with the intermingling of our multi-millionaire and business customers with those who normally call a cardboard box home.”

With the announcement comes an array of new menu items for the restaurant, including: Short-Rib chopped steak, found potato, Parmesan government cheese, and Vanilla Wafers.

“This is great news in the journey to bridge the gap between the very needy and very wealthy in our area”, said Chattanooga Mayor Andy Berke. “I hope we see other fine establishments, such as downtowns Porters Steakhouse, to follow suit.”