July 2013 – Chattanooga Bystander

Obama Storms Offices of TFP, Issues Executive Swirly on Social Media Director

Published on July 30, 2013

During his tour of Chattanooga this afternoon, President Obama and his motorcade stopped by the offices of the Times Free Press in response to the recent hate-baiting questions asked on the publication’s Facebook page.

The President, who had been following the posts since last Thursday, considered almost not coming to Chattanooga after seeing terrible comments local citizens made about him.

“He (Obama) busted in and yelled ‘Which one of you fine folks heads the social networking department?'” explained TFP employee Harvey Scarf. “Then some guys in black suits grabbed the person, carried him to the hallway bathroom, and proceeded to shove his head in the toilet while Mr. Obama stepped on the handle to flush.”

“That’s how you administer an executive swirly,” shouted Obama, as he knocked over a printing press and exited the building.

photo by cb staff/Rex Hardass

Obama halts anti-obesity “Let’s Move!” campaign after visit to Bea’s

Published on July 30, 2013

Food/Drink/Obamanooga '13

“Let’s Move!” logo

During a long lunch at the beloved Chattanooga southern home-cooking buffet restaurant Bea’s, President Barack Obama announced that he was going to ask the First Lady Michelle Obama to end her “Let’s Move!” campaign, which she started in 2010 to fight obesity and promote healthy eating.

Bea’s Restaurant on Dodds Avenue, a local favorite since 1950 and dining destination popular with truckers, offers an unusual type of buffet by serving customers family-style at circular tables each with a lazy Susan, onto which the servers continuously place fresh bowls of food for as long as the customers are willing to eat.

“The beauty of this idea,” said Obama with a mouthful of potato salad, “is that when you think you’ve had so much that you can’t even stand up to get more food, the servers just bring the food right to you. You don’t have to move an inch.”

“That’s American ingenuity for you,” said Obama, whose lips were covered with barbeque sauce. “‘More mac and cheese,’ I said!”

Regarding putting an end to the “Let’s Move!” campaign, Obama said, “I just can’t imagine denying a child unlimited amounts of this sweet, sweet peach cobbler.”

“Moving is so overrated,” said Obama, who had become noticeably rotund during the three-hour binge. “Maybe Michelle can just change ‘Let’s Move!’ to ‘Let’s Roll!’ or something.”

Obama visits Normal Park school, lets honor student conduct drone strike

Published on July 30, 2013

Education/Obamanooga '13/Politics

During President Barack Obama’s one-day visit to Chattanooga, he stopped by the Normal Park Museum Magnet School in North Chattanooga to speak with students about maintaining peace in the world, even allowing one honor student to conduct a remote drone strike in Pakistan.

“As the recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize in 2009, I know a thing or two about peace,” said Obama to the auditorium full of elementary and middle school students. “And it is a great paradox of life that you must make war to have peace.”

“Now who in here likes video games?” asked Obama, who was met with an enthusiastic room full of raised hands.

The school principal led the top 7th grade honor student, Toby McBartleby, toward the stage, where multiple video screens and control joysticks were set up, to the sound of cheers and applause from his fellow classmates.

“Now Toby, this is just like playing a game on your Xbox, only this is a real aircraft flying over Pakistan that you’re piloting, thousands of miles away,” explained Obama. “See that speck? Now move the crosshairs over that speck, and then pull the trigger.”

“Got him!” said Obama. “Congratulations, Toby, that was probably a terrorist that you just killed.”

Obama heard the sound of someone clearing his throat and looked behind him, at two Secret Service agents wearing dark suits and sunglasses, who were both shaking their heads from side-to-side.

“I mean, that terrorist you just…tickled,” said Obama. “To death.”

President Obama Stops By Rock City, Calls Bullshit on Seeing Seven States

Published on July 30, 2013

Business/Obamanooga '13

During a stop today at Chattanooga tourism mainstay Rock City, President Obama was overheard commenting about the park’s main attraction of “seeing seven states” as “complete bullshit.”

“I believe the great citizens of Chattanooga are being ass fed a shit bag of lies,” said President Obama. “I paid my goddamn quarter and couldn’t see a fucking thing, let alone seven damn states!”

It was reported the President proceeded to shake the swinging bridge while others crossed and laugh at those who failed the fat man squeeze.

“The only thing worse would be to look down upon Chattanooga and view a hunk of shit cars or visit a man made cave with a mediocre waterfall,” said Obama.

Photo courtesy of CB Staff/Harold Hardass

Clerical error blamed for Presidential tour of North Shore barge

Published on July 30, 2013

Business/Obamanooga '13

A disappointed Barack Obama (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/bqBWPu)

The City of Chattanooga has blamed a clerical error for a mix-up regarding President Barack Obama’s visit, which led the Presidential entourage to tour the infamous deteriorating North Shore barge—widely considered to be an eyesore and embarrassment—instead of the flourishing Amazon fulfillment center as expected.

After Obama stepped out of the presidential limousine and onto the creaky, dilapidated barge—which has been moored across from the Tennessee Aquarium and unused since 2009—he said, “Well, this…is…uh…interesting,” while clearly confused.

“This is a symbol of…progress?” said Obama, speaking extemporaneously without a teleprompter. “No wait. This is a monument to Chattanooga’s rich history. No, not that either. What is this, again?”

As Obama spoke, Mayor Andy Berke ran frantically toward the barge, flailing his arms, screaming, “Noooo! Noooo! Look away! Look at our beautiful bridge instead!”

The presidential itinerary was corrected and the entourage was directed toward the Amazon fulfillment center instead of the next destination on the original, erroneous route, Chuck’s Condom Shop on Main Street.

Secret Service Seen Dragging Vice President Joe Biden from Local Gentlemens Club Diamonds and Lace

Published on July 30, 2013

Obamanooga '13

After arriving a day before President Barack Obama in Chattanooga, Vice President Joe Biden was seen entering Chattanooga’s own Diamonds and Lace show bar in a drunken stupor. It was reported that members of Vice President Biden’s secret service team were seen dragging the intoxicated Vice President out of the night club this morning around 2AM, where he proceeded to urinate on Brainerd Road.

“This place is a big fucking deal, along with the breasts”, exclaimed Biden, while vomiting on his shoes.

While there were no formal plans for Biden to attend President Obama’s speech today at the Amazon Fulfillment Center, he was reported to want to see “what this choo choo hoopla shit was all about.”

Foodies rejoice: Artisanal meth comes to Chattanooga

Published on July 23, 2013

Food/Drink

Without a doubt, eating well has become a more prominent cultural pursuit for people of all ages over the last decade, with a rapidly growing movement of so-called “foodies” eager to share new gastronomical discoveries using online social networks and blogs, and Chattanooga has done its best to keep up with more populous urban locales, boasting purveyors of world-class artisanal cheese, bread, chocolate and other foodstuffs.

Hand-crafted libations such as whiskey, beer and wine have also found a home in Chattanooga and surrounding areas, and those willing to skirt the law have enjoyed locally made flavored moonshine and similar spirits.

Now, local foodies have another reason to rejoice with the arrival of artisanal crystal meth, for discriminating connoisseurs of intoxicants who are no longer satisfied with mass-produced Mexican meth or hastily made motel-room or backwoods trailer ice.

The founder of Chattanooga Crank, Kelsey Idovah, explained to The Chattanooga Bystander that meticulous care goes into every step of the cooking process, with exacting standards.

“We use only the finest raw ingredients that are locally sourced, whenever possible,” said Idovah. “Instead of meth cooked in some filthy roach-motel bathtub with loads of impurities, imagine some crystal-clear sparkle that was produced in a Beverly Hills mansion swimming pool.”

While crystal meth may be injected, true connoisseurs choose to smoke or snort their twack, and Chattanooga Crank offers a variety of inventive flavors.

“This one is dense and lithe, with notes of cedar and boysenberry,” said Idovah while stroking his chin, after taking a long hit. “Mmm. I also taste pomegranate, mineral and just a hint of Bartlett pear.”

“I love the floral notes on this one,” said Idovah, after tweaking another variety of Chattanooga Crank. “There’s a balsamic-tinged acidity and accents of dried cherry, with a snappy finish. Magnificent.”

“There’s no need to chase that white dragon down to Atlanta or Nashville,” said Idovah, who was now shaking uncontrollably. “We’ve got top-quality artisanal meth for you, right here in Chattanooga.”

Mayor Berke to Commemorate 100 Days in Office with Feats of Strength

Published on July 22, 2013

Culture/Politics

In celebration of his first 100 days in office, Mayor Berke announced today that he would perform random acts of strength around the city of Chattanooga.

“While the first 100 days of assuming the role of Mayor have been productive and perplexing, I have found a bit of time to hit the gym and really bulk up,” proclaimed Berke, while removing his shirt and tie to expose a muscle shirt with “renew” printed across it.

“Everyday I am faced with many troubling questions surrounding the future of our great city, such as: ‘How does a such a great Mayor have such great abs?’ and ‘Do you even lift?’” said Berke.

Berke proceeded to challenge attendees of the press conference in arm wrestling matches, manhandling and defeating each with great ease.

“Ever since I have taken office some months, 917 chin-ups were conquered by utilizing these bad boys,” said Berke, while proceeding to kiss his left and right biceps.

“In my next 100 days as Mayor, I plan on shifting a great amount of focus on renewing our public transportation system,” said Berke. “What better way to kick this off than for all to witness as I pull this CARTA bus down Market Street using only my ripped, chiseled and muscular bod.”

The Bystander extends TFP’s “The View” boycott: “We will never jack off to Jenny McCarthy again”

Published on July 18, 2013

Health/Op/Ed

Jenny McCarthy (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/dLjXF)

Yesterday, the Chattanooga Times Free Press published an editorial asking readers to boycott the ABC network daytime television talk show The View after it recently announced it was adding co-host Jenny McCarthy—Playboy Playmate, television host and actress. McCarthy has been widely criticized for continuing to spread the myth that vaccinating children can lead to autism, a notion which has absolutely no scientific basis and was started because of a fraudulent 1998 study that used manipulated data by the since-defrocked researcher Andrew Wakefield.

We, the writers of The Chattanooga Bystander, are in complete agreement with the Chattanooga Times Free Press on this matter, and we are even taking the boycott one step further by pledging to never masturbate to any photo, video footage or likeness of Jenny McCarthy again.

Never again will we firmly grasp our junk and vigorously wank rhythmically to McCarthy’s October 1993 Playboy pictorial, with her long-flowing flaxen hair, ample and soft bosom and coy yet mischievous smile.

Never again will we squeeze one off in the office restroom stall during our lunch break while staring at a pic on our iPhone of McCarthy’s infamous Candie’s shoe advertisement, where she’s sitting on a toilet with her panties around her ankles.

No, no, we will never bring ourselves to climax copiously into an old tube sock while looking at the inviting blonde tuft of hair on the mound of Venus belonging to Jenny McCarthy, who has instilled an unmerited fear of vaccines into the minds of parents because of stubborn ignorance, perpetuating a myth that has been called “the most damaging medical hoax of the last 100 years.”

By extension, The Chattanooga Bystander will also refrain from jacking off to pictures of Barbara Walters and all other co-hosts on The View.

BREAKING: Whirlpool Announces It Has Been Successfully Shamed

Published on July 17, 2013

Business

BREAKING: A representative from the Whirlpool Corporation announced this morning that the company has successfully and sufficiently been shamed.

“We will now attempt to awaken the two gentlemen, who have been at our necks for many months, and comply with whatever shaming they have in mind,” exclaimed Whirlpool PR spokesmen Todd Harris.

It is believed that Lupton Company will follow suit. More as it breaks…