June 2013 - Page 2

Scottie Mayfield now ready for debates, ten months after primary election

Scottie Mayfield
Scottie Mayfield

At a press conference last Friday afternoon, former Mayfield Dairy Farms president Scottie Mayfield announced that he was now ready to participate in debates for the Republican primary election for Tennessee’s 3rd congressional district, despite losing ten months ago to incumbent Rep. Chuck Fleischmann (R-Tenn.)

Unbeknownst to Mayfield, he was defeated along with contender Weston Wamp by Fleischmann, who went on to win the general election last November against Democratic candidate Mary Headrick and Libertarian candidate Matthew Deniston.

Mayfield was widely criticized last year for refusing to participate in any debates with other candidates, leading some to conclude that he was not sufficiently knowledgeable about state and national politics to be a viable candidate.

“I’m ready to debate, so bring it on,” said the bow-tie-wearing Mayfield, while waving his hands toward himself. “Let’s talk about Medicare. Let’s talk about jobs. Let’s talk about the Teapot Dome scandal and the Spanish-American War. I have been studying like a champ, and my tutor said I’ve been making impressive progress.”

The Chattanooga Bystander spoke with Mayfield’s tutor, Faith Behlamy, who said, “None of us could bear to tell the poor old guy that he lost the primary. I didn’t teach him about election cycles and when elections take place yet, and I admit to withholding that info on purpose.”

“Could you blame me?” said Behlamy. “This is the best job I’ve ever had: $50 an hour to review flash cards with him, plus all the ice cream I can eat. I am milking these udders ’til they’re dry. I wish I had the heart to tell Scottie his expiration date has passed.”