Old Southside YMCA to become collection of dollar deal stores

After being vacant for almost 40 years, the old Southside YMCA building is set to become a collection of dollar deal stores later this year.

Owners say there will be a monthly membership to access the exclusive clubs. Sources say there will be a $1 initiation fee and $1 monthly dues for personal and $1 for couples.

More on this later.

Women’s Rally seeks men to manage next year’s event after low turnout

After the Chattanooga Women’s Rally on Saturday experienced a low turnout of around 80 people, controversially changing its direction from a protest march to a non-activist event including a conservative speaker, organizers announced that it would be seeking men to manage next year’s event.

“Sometimes you just need a big, strong, smart man to open a jar or lift a heavy box or organize a women’s rally,” said rally coordinator Cheryl Harnland. “I get dizzy just thinking about it!”

This year’s controversial Women’s Rally was a spinoff of the International Women’s Marches, which were events protesting President Trump, and in 2017, the Chattanooga Women’s March had around 3,000 participants.

The organizers changed the focus of the event this year to commemorate the centennial of the 19th Amendment, rather than having a protest march, and this change received significant criticism, since it included having state Representative Robin Smith (R-Hixson) speak, whose non-progressive voting record on social issues including LGBT rights, abortion and health care was considered to be anti-feminist.

“We’ll let the boys figure it out for next year’s rally, but one thing we definitely want next time is a big singalong version of ‘Kumbaya’ while everyone holds hands,” said Harnland. “Someone also suggested a wet t-shirt contest, which might be fun.”

Nikki’s Drive Inn property developer promises to deep-fry new condos

After public outrage of Chattanooga’s beloved comfort food staple Nikki’s Drive Inn announced it was closing its doors to make way for new condominiums, developers announced the new structure would be deep-fried to please the angry public.

Experts are questioning how such a task can be completed, but agree that most area residents do not really give a shit since they were sold at deep-fried.

“I was pretty upset that Nikkis was closing and would have to search elsewhere for a 5000 calorie meal, but then they told me this new tall house cluster was gonna be dipped in hot oil and then I got hungry,” exclaimed North Chattanooga resident Bobby Tubbies.

All TDOT interstate signs showing a penis after sign guy leaves his computer unattended

After an employee of the Tennessee Department of Transportation left his computer unattended to step outside and a vape while devouring a White Claw, commuters were shocked to see every overhead digital sign was now a single sizable penis.

Sources say the culprit might have been a malicious computer hacker looking to disrupt the day to day operations of TDOT and possibly looking to lock down essential systems in seek of a ransom, or it may have just been a coworker.

“We apologize for all holiday season travelers who may have spotted the digital penis during the lengthy time it was erect,” explained TDOT spokesman Charles Marshall. “We have replaced the penis with the initially planned joke about “not seeing you all year.”

Heartwarming: Hwy 27 workers pass down skills to kids, grandkids so they can complete Hwy 27 project

Like a father teaching his son how to shave, construction workers on the delayed Highway 27 project have started teaching their children and grandchildren the skills they will need to complete the project.

Although the work was scheduled to have a January 28, 2020 completion date, that deadline will not be met, and an extension was granted, citing several unforeseen issues such as unusually pleasant weather in December, the release of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare, and Kayne West dropping his surprise album Jesus Is Born on Christmas Day.

“Don’t rightly know when we’ll finish this highway, but by gum, I’m going to teach my boys how to mix a mean batch of concrete, just like my daddy taught me when he began this project,” said construction worker Travis Rillner.

Tennessee American Water manages to drain Tennessee River during IRONMAN

During the swimming portion of the IRONMAN triathlon this morning, Tennessee American Water managed to drain the Tennessee River somehow as participants were reaching mile 1 of the 2.4-mile course. Sources believe the company was able to break yet another water main and miraculously pump river water and all its contaminants into customers homes.

“One minute I was swimming for the gold and the next I was laying on the bottom of the river floor next to a pile of cell phones,” explained IRONMAN participant Ronald Marshall. “Luckily, I was able to retrieve my bike and ride the rest of the way.”

“I was filling the bathtub and receiving IRONMAN updates on the radio, and all of a sudden the water became a nasty brown,” explained Chattanooga resident Gary Sanders. “I was even more confused when a dead carp flopped onto my loofa.”

We have reached out to Tennessee American Water for comment, but haven’t heard anything per usual.

David Blaine to return to Chattanooga to drink glass of unboiled tap water

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After performing last year at Chattanooga’s Tivoli Theatre, street magician and death-defying endurance artist David Blaine said that he would be making a surprise return to Chattanooga this weekend to perform one of the riskiest stunts of his career: to drink an entire glass of tap water that has not been boiled, despite Tennessee American Water’s precautionary “boil water advisory” in effect after a major water main had broken and was repaired.

“David is off the chain with this stunt,” said local fan Wendy Tudanna. “This is a guy who shot himself in the mouth on purpose, catching the bullet in a metal cup held between his teeth. He was suspended over the River Thames for 44 days in a Plexiglas case. But I’m genuinely afraid for him with this stunt.”

Residents urged to conserve water except hospitals, bikini car washes

In response to a water outage caused by a 36-inch water main break, Chattanooga residents are urged to conserve water while service is being restored, except for hospitals and bikini car washes.

“Please, let’s all try to be responsible citizens during this challenging time, and only use water for the most important reasons, like when there is an urgent medical need, or if you are running a smokin’ hot bikini car wash,” said local officials.

“Emergency supplies of water are being delivered to local hospitals, for those with medical conditions, and bikini car washes, to ensure that there are enough pails of soapy water to wet down those slippery, magnificent curves on hot, sweaty bods, scrubbing away at dirty cars under the sweltering sun, on these last days of summer, before our youth wastes away and is but a faint memory, like the fading scent of honeysuckle as we danced barefoot in the forest with wildflowers in our hair,” officials said.

Ample supply of local craft beer to replace water

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After a water main break occurred Thursday evening, disrupting water supplies to areas including downtown and North Chattanooga, local breweries came to the rescue by replacing water with delicious craft beer.

“As you know, there have been over 70 new breweries that have opened up in Chattanooga in the last five years,” said local brewer Carter Govlet, the owner of the brewpub Beerly Legal. “We could fill up the Tennessee River with craft beer, if we wanted to.”

Utility workers were able to use existing piping at breweries to pump craft beer into water supply pipes, allowing residents to conduct their normal, daily activities using beer instead of water.

“We even figured out a way to have two different beer varieties flow through the water supply system,” said Kat Pratdon, brewmaster of Pret-a-Porter. “If you turn on your hot water tap, you’ll get a nice, creamy stout, with notes of Kona coffee and chocolate truffles. Turn on your cold water tap, and you’ll get a floral IPA, with sweet citrus tones and a woody, hoppy aroma.”

“Please, go about your daily routines, and enjoy the decadent luxury of completely immersing yourself in a bathtub full of premium beer,” said Ashley Visconte, brewmaster of the brewpub Beer, Uncertainty and Stout.

Four new chicken plants to open downtown to meet chicken sandwich demand

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While rampant speculation remains about whether or not developer John Wise intends to facilitate the move of the Pilgrim’s Pride chicken plant from downtown to property he purchased in Dade County, Georgia, it was announced today that four new chicken plants would open in downtown Chattanooga to meet the high demand for chicken sandwiches.

“People are going batshit crazy over Popeye’s new chicken sandwiches, which became an instant sensation and have quickly sold out,” said Manny Brurchil, a local chicken industry expert. “They’re so popular, people are auctioning them off on eBay, and one Chattanooga man is suing Popeye’s because they ran out before he could get one.”

“We might be heading toward a recession, so business investors are looking at industries that are recession-proof,” said Brurchil. “If people are unemployed, they still want to drink beer, maybe even more than they used to because they’re sad and have spare time.”

“The same goes for fried chicken sandwiches. Sad people don’t reach for healthy salads,” said Brurchil. “Building more chicken processing plants, right in the middle of downtown, is smart money.”

“Lots of people complain about the smell of chicken plants, but it’s not the stench of failure,” said Brurchil. “It’s the stench of success.”

“That, my friends, is the smell of money,” said Brurchil. “And putrid chicken shit.”