Friends of the Festival hoping COVID-19 sticks around long enough to blame it on low Riverbend turnout

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After many music festivals around the globe are canceling upcoming events due to the COVID-19 outbreak, a spokeswoman for Friends of the Festival announced they believe the outbreak will probably, or I’m sure most definitely cause a low turnout for this years Riverbend festival.

“Oh man, it’s really too bad that :cough cough: I won’t be able to make it to Riverbend this year :cough cough: really sad, yeah,” explained Riverbend executive director Mickey McCamish festival attendee Charlie Bendsmen. “I know there’s hundreds more that feel the same, probably even tens of thousands, really sad, bummer.”

“We knew that knocking off a few days will bring down the turnout, explained Friends of the Festival spokeswomen Karen Sanders, “I’m pretty sure this Coronavirus or whatever will cause us to limit the festival to probably 1 day, or maybe just 30 minutes.”

Blue Orleans owners say “screw it”, will transform the restaurant into a Cicis

After going thru a massive transformation courtesy of the hit television series “Restaurant: Impossible”, Blue Orleans owners Mike Adams and Cherita Bloodwirth announced plans to abandon the New Orleans style restaurant and open a Cicis instead.

Sources say patrons of the newly made-over restaurant were shocked to hear of the news, but we’re pretty excited because they like cheap pizza.

“We knew that taking down our large diving curtains would open up many possibilities in the future,” explained owner and chef Mike Adams.”Little did we know those possibilities would bring a 40-foot pizza buffet!”

“Now our children will never want to leave because we have pizza, and you know kids love pizza,” explained Bloodwirth.

Police data storage failure results in loss of dashcam footage, funny cat videos

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The Hamilton County Sheriff’s Office experienced “catastrophic data loss” on its 13-year-old data storage servers, resulting in the loss of over a year’s worth of dashboard camera footage for 130 patrol deputies and the department’s massive stash of funny cat videos.

“I can’t believe it,” said the office’s information technology administrator, Ashley Zernot. “Our collection of funny cat videos was legendary, and now they’re all gone.”

“About half of these videos weren’t ever on YouTube or Facebook,” said Zernot. “They were traded on the dark web, which is where you find the absolute funniest, cutest cat videos out there.”

“You’ve got to dig and know the right people to find the good stuff,” said Zernot. “These cats are so cute, they make Keyboard Cat look like a clump of moist hairballs in comparison.”

“We also had this great collection of dashcam bloopers, and that’s lost forever, too,” said Zernot. “My favorite is one where an officer is pulling over this gorgeous lady, and as he bends over to talk through the driver’s window, he accidentally lets rip this thunderous fart.”

“Next time, I guess I’ll backup everything on floppy disks or Jaz drives or something,” said Zernot.

Bloomberg announces Monopoly Man as VP running mate

At a rally today at the Bessie Smith Cultural Center in Chattanooga, Democratic billionaire presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg announced that he has selected the Monopoly Man as his running mate.

“This was a tough decision to make,” said Bloomberg, the former mayor of New York City who is the ninth richest person in the U.S.A. “But, he was the most qualified candidate for Vice President I could find, and by ‘most qualified’ I mean ‘most filthy stinking rich.'”

“Every night, he sleeps on a giant mountain of gold coins, and it’s true that he named his oldest daughter ‘Capital Gains,'” said Bloomberg about the Monopoly Man, also known as Rich Uncle Pennybags.

Bloomberg said that the Monopoly Man beat out other worthy Vice Presidential candidates that were under consideration, including Scrooge McDuck, Richie Rich, and a tiny metal top hat.

Monday forecast: sunny 70 degrees, then snow, floods, blood rain, plagues of locusts, frogs, chicken parts

Forecasters are predicting Monday’s weather in Chattanooga to include sunny, 70-degree weather, then a snowstorm, then flash flooding, then a torrent of blood rain, then plagues of locusts, frogs and chicken parts.

“Don’t stow away your galoshes just yet! It’s been a wild week, and it’s just going to get wilder,” said local weather forecaster Pat Valdasto. “Bring your umbrella, because we’re expecting to see locusts and frogs and random chicken parts, just flying around everywhere.”

“I’m just a meteorologist, and there’s no need to panic,” said Valdasto. “But in my expert opinion, I think God or Shiva or Cthulhu is angry with us, and we are all going to die horrible, painful deaths soon.”

Repurposing Hershey’s syrup bottle as water bottle best thing a Republican has done in years

Using a repurposed Hershey’s chocolate syrup bottle as a water bottle by Tennessee State Representative Kent Calfee has been widely recognized as the best thing a Republican has done in years.

“This is a grade A life-hack, my friends,” said local environmentalist Summer Starlight. “We should all be inspired to repurpose things that would otherwise end up in a landfill.”

“Bravo, Mr. Calfee, bravo, you magnificent nature-loving cheapskate,” said Starlight.

Calfee was later seen using an old sock as a reusable coffee filter.

Old Southside YMCA to become collection of dollar deal stores

After being vacant for almost 40 years, the old Southside YMCA building is set to become a collection of dollar deal stores later this year.

Owners say there will be a monthly membership to access the exclusive clubs. Sources say there will be a $1 initiation fee and $1 monthly dues for personal and $1 for couples.

More on this later.

Women’s Rally seeks men to manage next year’s event after low turnout

After the Chattanooga Women’s Rally on Saturday experienced a low turnout of around 80 people, controversially changing its direction from a protest march to a non-activist event including a conservative speaker, organizers announced that it would be seeking men to manage next year’s event.

“Sometimes you just need a big, strong, smart man to open a jar or lift a heavy box or organize a women’s rally,” said rally coordinator Cheryl Harnland. “I get dizzy just thinking about it!”

This year’s controversial Women’s Rally was a spinoff of the International Women’s Marches, which were events protesting President Trump, and in 2017, the Chattanooga Women’s March had around 3,000 participants.

The organizers changed the focus of the event this year to commemorate the centennial of the 19th Amendment, rather than having a protest march, and this change received significant criticism, since it included having state Representative Robin Smith (R-Hixson) speak, whose non-progressive voting record on social issues including LGBT rights, abortion and health care was considered to be anti-feminist.

“We’ll let the boys figure it out for next year’s rally, but one thing we definitely want next time is a big singalong version of ‘Kumbaya’ while everyone holds hands,” said Harnland. “Someone also suggested a wet t-shirt contest, which might be fun.”

Nikki’s Drive Inn property developer promises to deep-fry new condos

After public outrage of Chattanooga’s beloved comfort food staple Nikki’s Drive Inn announced it was closing its doors to make way for new condominiums, developers announced the new structure would be deep-fried to please the angry public.

Experts are questioning how such a task can be completed, but agree that most area residents do not really give a shit since they were sold at deep-fried.

“I was pretty upset that Nikkis was closing and would have to search elsewhere for a 5000 calorie meal, but then they told me this new tall house cluster was gonna be dipped in hot oil and then I got hungry,” exclaimed North Chattanooga resident Bobby Tubbies.

All TDOT interstate signs showing a penis after sign guy leaves his computer unattended

After an employee of the Tennessee Department of Transportation left his computer unattended to step outside and a vape while devouring a White Claw, commuters were shocked to see every overhead digital sign was now a single sizable penis.

Sources say the culprit might have been a malicious computer hacker looking to disrupt the day to day operations of TDOT and possibly looking to lock down essential systems in seek of a ransom, or it may have just been a coworker.

“We apologize for all holiday season travelers who may have spotted the digital penis during the lengthy time it was erect,” explained TDOT spokesman Charles Marshall. “We have replaced the penis with the initially planned joke about “not seeing you all year.”